Evaluating long term prospects

[WhyIsIt]

NC for this. Long term poster and lurker on Mumsnet

Last year I met someone after being single a long time. It was better and healthier than my other relationships and moved fast emotionally from both sides. We both have children but we have not moved them fast into our relationship as well by the way. Mine are nearly adults so have met him. I have not been introduced to his which is fine and I have no issue with that decision for now. We live 20 miles apart.

I am a worrier and planner and he is opposite in that he is very laid back. I have not been at all used to having someone in my life for a long long time. Sometimes I get stressed about things although we are good at talking these things through calmly and he eventually will work our what I am trying to say. Usually it is that he doesn’t know what to say or do if I need support and so he will just do nothing at all.

He’s become very comfortable and once he initiated that we are in a relationship (which was so romantic and sweet at the time) we pretty much stopped dating and a lot of the nice cute things he used to express to me like saying I miss you also stopped.

I try very hard not to be unreasonable or demanding but I think the current situation has made I have started to have major concerns about whether I am wasting my time on something that has no future. I don’t want more children and there is no need to rush, equally life is short and why waste it with someone who doesn’t want the same as you? I don’t want to miss someone who never misses me. He would say he did if I asked but I don’t want to have to ask.

We have talked and he says he wants the same as me long term. Something in my gut feels like it doesn’t add up. I have been up front that if I go into a relationship I want it to be a committed one that has a future. I don’t want anything casual and he said he wanted the same.

We were apart before the official lockdown happened and it wasn’t even a discussion as he decided for both of us there was zero option to do it together. Now I feel like he calls me every day out of duty to keep me from complaining not because he really wants to talk to me. He would happily go a day or 2 with just a few odd texts to keep in touch. I wish I could be ok with that too and it makes me feel needy and I don’t like that.

Prior to lockdown he said he was considering me meeting his DC in May but he would have to ask his ex first which is on hold understandably.

When I try to make any plans with him, even an upcoming weekend he says I am pressuring him and over thinking and need to relax. I have explained that just because he doesn’t plan much doesn’t mean other people don’t. It feels like a lot of things are on his terms to fit in with HIS life and I am waiting for him to decide what he wants to do. He does lots of things last minute and I end up feeling disappointed and let down.

I’m more afraid of wasting my time than I am of being alone but I don’t know if I am being demanding and thinking too far ahead?

But - argh - OP - your feelings and your needs are yours, they're' not wrong.

If your relationship doesn't meet your needs, you don't talk yourself out of them or let him talk you out of them, you accept that you're incompatible and let each other go. You don't twist yourself up like a pretzel trying to fit what someone else wants - that's not healthy. And he's certainly not trying to do the same for you or even meet you half way.

You really need to work on your boundaries.

I’m feeling really unhappy today I know I can’t let this drag on much longer. I can’t twist myself in any way - he just doesn’t want me

I’m building up the courage to text but keep chickening out

stop answering the phone for a start.

Seriously, can you envisage how happy you could be without this manipulating tosser in your life?

“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

The quicker you make the break, the sooner you'll start to feel better.

I know my self esteem seems to be on the floor and it’s frustrating to watch someone doing this. Yes if it was a friend I would tell them in a second to just pull the plug. In reality I am still holding out for any hope but I know I am degrading myself in the process. I certainly don’t need this in my life or even want it but I haven’t got to the angry stage I am stuck in sad feeling sorry for myself stage. He hasn’t done anything That Terribly Bad so I am not getting angry, I’m feeling sad. Does this make sense to anyone? I will even degrade myself enough to ask ‘do you miss me?’ because I want to feel better. This is not me and not how I behave in relationships so my usual persona of getting angry and being all ballsy seems to be broken.

Look up narcissism OP. This guy is an emotional abuser

Well, you should be angry, OP. You sound pathetically happy — like a dog an abusive owner has just stopped kicking for some reason — just because this man is talking normally to you, having conveniently forgotten how unpleasant he’s been. Not actually being affectionate or pleasant, just normally communicative.

And the appalling thing is that I feel that if he did actually tell you he’d missed you, you’d happily forget his bad moods, laziness and complete lack of interest in you a lot of the time and be thrilled. Until the next time.

So yes, he has done something That Terribly Bad. He’s got you degrading yourself for the occasional crumb of affection. You’re worth more than that, OP.

Hi lovely. I was similar to you last year obsessed with this guy who love bombed me who actually wasn't particularly great, ordinary looking, ordinary life, pretty crap in bed etc but because he pulled away after love bombing me (which made me uncomfortable to begin with) I wanted more. Now, a year on I think back and can't believe I even gave him a second thought.

End it, block him and move on. You'll be upset for a few months but you'll get over it because what you lived wasn't real. You'll lick your wounds and get out there and if you're anything like me, you'll have set your boundaries a lot tighter and you will take your time getting to know someone properly before opening your heart completely.

I think the dynamics change all the time in relationships especially in the early stages. I’ve not read the whole thread but it sounds like you are coming across very needy and this could be scaring him off. I know it’s difficult but when the balance of power changes like this it can be difficult to get it back. It’s maybe made things worse for you as were in lockdown. If you still want to give it a go I would suggest working on your anxiety and thinking about things you can do without him and stop questioning him. I know it shouldn’t be a game but he needs to feel like he’s lucky to have you and a bit worried in case he loses you. He won’t feel like that if you continue like this.

@WhyIsIt.... Please read this book. I think it will help you find the determination to do what you need to do.

Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

I know I sound needy it’s not helping! I am being needy. I wasn’t being needy. I had a great guy who treated me lovely and was kind and sweet. Really thoughtful and considerate and i was honestly so so happy that I had met someone like that. All my friends and family were happy for me and everything was so good.

Now I am completely miserable and sad all the time.

If nothing else I look better than ever I have lost a stone in weight!

Tonight I have been leaning on friends a little as making future plans with them is making me feel really positive. I got a message tonight I had been so wanting from him all along but this is just too little too late. I know I am going to do this I just need to get angry and find that anger. This is like the stages of grief or anger and I need to get out of the stuck sad stage. I’m gonna get that book

I was in a relationship with a narcissist, similar to yours, for 12 years. I found I couldn't feel anything really, certainly not anger, till weeks after I left. And then it came in waves of rage, so unfamiliar. It sounds like you might be in a similar situation: one effect of the relationship is that your emotions have been numbed.

Op are you dating my ex? (North East).

Seriously though, you're being emotionally abused. He's priming you for months/years of misery. Do NOT introduce him to your children. Please don't.

Thank you for the advice I have had so far. It does help to talk to people about this.

Today I have arranged a counselling session over the phone for next week. I had a voicemail from my counsellor and I am now worrying I might not like her. Another thing to worry about!

I’m not waiting for the counsellor to help me dump this guy but I do need to find my self confidence to be able to do this without just keep falling back in because I think that is what will happen otherwise. So I am still engaging with him but it’s falling off and I am no longer bothering fighting to keep it going.

As for him we have spoken a couple of times nothing is worse but nothing is better. Yesterday he got annoyed with something I said to him and kind of shouted at me a bit because he says I ask him too many questions. I am just trying to make a conversation otherwise it is dead and then he just wants to get off the phone. He said I was asking needy insecure questions. He then FaceTimed me later but was staring at a PC screen the whole time. He is boring he has nothing to say to me most of the time.

He has been spending time with and talking to his ex nearly every single day during lockdown so perhaps he wants to go back to her but I don’t think she wants him. I admit this is something that is on my mind but it is irritating because do I care?

Today he phoned me I don’t know why and then I told him during the conversation that I was going for counselling because I think I needed to become a stronger person and get my self confidence back and he said yes I do, because I am too insecure and it is annoying. Then I haven’t heard from him again. Perhaps the looming threat of counselling will be enough to get rid of him anyway.

I did try to engage him previously in doing fun things like online games and apps but he is playing games with all his other friends and not me. Unfortunately life is a bit boring right now which is frustrating me as I don’t want to be so boring. He’s always calling me boring

He is treating you terribly. Take back the power, dump and block xx

He's awful. He's playing with your feelings, calling you boring, acting like a twat, dissing you.
It gets to the point where they have a way of making you feel so bad, that you're pathetically grateful for a few 'kind' crumbs they throw your way. Been there.
The focus becomes on making them happy, rather than the (glaringly obvious to any observers) fact that they are a boring, not nice twat, who you wouldn't have wanted in the first place, if the hadn't fucking love-bombed and future-faked you for a few weeks right at the beginning.
Really, you don't need this man in your life. Talk to us on here! We're nice

It gets to the point where they have a way of making you feel so bad, that you're pathetically grateful for a few 'kind' crumbs they throw your way

THIS ^^..... But this is no way to live!

I do need to find my self confidence to be able to do this without just keep falling back in because I think that is what will happen otherwise

@WhyIsIt.... please read that book by Robin Norwood. There is a reason why, after more than 30 years, it is still read by millions of women, many of whom have found it enlightening or even life-changing.

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden is also very good.

Bottom line: your life will be so much happier and serene without this manipulating narc.

You don’t sound ready for a relationship. You might be doing yourself and him a favour by calling it a day.

There is a difference between thoughts that occur and thoughts that are relevant. And thinking something doesn’t make it objectively true.

There are problems in what you describe but they mostly seem like your own to solve.

Do you really want to spend your life with someone who is irritated by you and thinks your annoying?

OP I was with you up to the point where you said that you've been together 9 months!! Christ just bin him! He's making you so unhappy!

He's trying to create a triangle where you feel threatened by his ex, and vice versa. It's a classic headfuck move. (If you Google triangulation and relationships, one of the first results is narcissistic triangulation). It's a Thing.

It all came to a head today finally and a lot got said. I feel better for saying it all. He tried to gaslight me and I said fuck no. No no no. You don’t get to do this and make things up in your own mind like I am crazy. I’m not crazy or unstable

He regrets all the rash promises he made me at the start and no longer knows what he wants at all really. He doesn’t want to break up but can’t promise any future with me or anyone else. I get on his nerves but he does love me and doesn’t want to stop our relationship entirely but will if I can’t do it anymore. Which I can’t. I am nearly broken by this

I told him he absolutely controlled our entire relationship at every element down to if he is even in the mood to speak to me, he’s rude and unfair to me. I am hanging on to his coattails waiting to see where he goes and it’s very painful and horrible for me. And he just sees this as me being insecure and clingy. I said I was always happy to wait for him to be ready to move on if there was any future in this but it’s cruel to give me this hope that is fake.

I did hear a lot of remorse and apologies but I didn’t feel he was fighting for me and why would he. He wouldn’t make any decisions and kept just going quiet. He had me exactly where he wanted me all along.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will heal in time