Evaluating long term prospects

[WhyIsIt]

NC for this. Long term poster and lurker on Mumsnet

Last year I met someone after being single a long time. It was better and healthier than my other relationships and moved fast emotionally from both sides. We both have children but we have not moved them fast into our relationship as well by the way. Mine are nearly adults so have met him. I have not been introduced to his which is fine and I have no issue with that decision for now. We live 20 miles apart.

I am a worrier and planner and he is opposite in that he is very laid back. I have not been at all used to having someone in my life for a long long time. Sometimes I get stressed about things although we are good at talking these things through calmly and he eventually will work our what I am trying to say. Usually it is that he doesn’t know what to say or do if I need support and so he will just do nothing at all.

He’s become very comfortable and once he initiated that we are in a relationship (which was so romantic and sweet at the time) we pretty much stopped dating and a lot of the nice cute things he used to express to me like saying I miss you also stopped.

I try very hard not to be unreasonable or demanding but I think the current situation has made I have started to have major concerns about whether I am wasting my time on something that has no future. I don’t want more children and there is no need to rush, equally life is short and why waste it with someone who doesn’t want the same as you? I don’t want to miss someone who never misses me. He would say he did if I asked but I don’t want to have to ask.

We have talked and he says he wants the same as me long term. Something in my gut feels like it doesn’t add up. I have been up front that if I go into a relationship I want it to be a committed one that has a future. I don’t want anything casual and he said he wanted the same.

We were apart before the official lockdown happened and it wasn’t even a discussion as he decided for both of us there was zero option to do it together. Now I feel like he calls me every day out of duty to keep me from complaining not because he really wants to talk to me. He would happily go a day or 2 with just a few odd texts to keep in touch. I wish I could be ok with that too and it makes me feel needy and I don’t like that.

Prior to lockdown he said he was considering me meeting his DC in May but he would have to ask his ex first which is on hold understandably.

When I try to make any plans with him, even an upcoming weekend he says I am pressuring him and over thinking and need to relax. I have explained that just because he doesn’t plan much doesn’t mean other people don’t. It feels like a lot of things are on his terms to fit in with HIS life and I am waiting for him to decide what he wants to do. He does lots of things last minute and I end up feeling disappointed and let down.

I’m more afraid of wasting my time than I am of being alone but I don’t know if I am being demanding and thinking too far ahead?

Anyway, it boils down to the fact he wants to see you less.

I don’t think the two of you have a good rhythm.

You over think, he doesn’t. You like to plan, he doesn’t. You are moving at opposite times.

If you had the same rhythm, you would overthink and plan together.

He’s often in a bad mood. He sleeps a lot. I am the opposite (believe it or not I am usually an optimistic person who doesn’t have mood swings)
He’s just woken up again in what seems like another meh mood and I feel like I take the brunt of it sometimes. He’s snappy and can be rude although will always apologise for it afterwards. He’s always running on about 30%.

Re the planning thing, he does plan. For himself. All of his trips events and hobbies are very well planned out. He just won’t plan things with me very often. He also only ever goes through with his own plans half the time so it isn’t just me.

Right now he’s kind of showing me what I am not missing. Sleeping all the time no motivation, eating absolute crap all day (which apparently was his dream ideal thing to do and he couldn’t wait for lockdown) whereas I am trying to do projects, find things to do and am organised

I’m going on a bit too much sorry. It’s helpful to get it all out. I don’t really miss him like I thought I would either. I miss the him he used to be, or I thought he was

I think you've built him up into a fantasy. You love the idea of him, but the reality of him is very lacking. He just isn't who you want, need or thought he was.

This needs to be ended.

Wanting to see you less? Tell him to GTF. He is detaching so it is easier to finish it eventually, but for now you fulfil his needs. Start to put yourself first. He isn't worthy.

I think I was swept off my feet by a very sweet, lovely affectionate man but I don’t know where he has gone!

@whylslt read the whole thread and couldn’t help but comment . I was in a similar situation about six months ago and we ended with him basically saying he wasn’t in love with me in the same way which really hurt at the time. He was very laidback didn’t plan liked to stay in stay up late sleep all the time, whereas I m like you a planner like to go out . He would be hot and cold one day wanting to see me the next saying oh I don’t miss you it’s only been a few days. I’m now happily single . In the nicest possible way your just not compatible. I would also suggest backing right off and see what happens .
Hope you decide what’s ultimately best for you a RS should enhance you not stress you out good luck

Thanks I think you are right and sorry you had this too
I am ok with the fact he doesn’t feel the same way it’s that when I have tried to break it off on this basis he pulls me back in and it’s like a painful slow death of a relationship so I need to stop looking to him to do the right thing don’t I

This pulling you back in, is him throwing you crumbs to keep you happy until something better comes along because he knows you are not 'the one' for him, but you serve his needs for the short term. You 'will do for now'.

I think you'll feel much better and stronger when you've dumped him. Prepare for him to half heartedly try and win you back.

OP read back through your thread as if it was someone else. You should be able to see what you are giving -v- what you are getting out of this. He doesn't even sound nice sorry. Don't give away your power. Google lovebombing and hoovering. You need to be asking yourself why you'd settle for this. You must set the bar on how you want to be treated. I'd be ending this ASAP if it was me.

I honestly think it's the beginning of a potentially emotionally abusive relationship. It's not normal, you know, to keep trying to break things off and then getting talked back into it.

He plans for himself because he's important and he does know what he wants, but he devalues your time and keeps you guessing, keeps you waiting, keeps you hanging on his say-so. It's a power trip.

@WhyIsIt yes as hard as it is you need to be strong and break away and tell him to leave you alone agree with others that it could be potentially abusive

I will try to keep this update short. I spoke to him today and it is more obvious now he is playing games or testing me. He contacted me on a video call.

Yesterday I changed my social media profile picture from one of us together to the bland one it was before. I admit I felt weird it being there staring at me when I logged in and he doesn’t have me anywhere on his and he changes his all the time. Loads of people change their profile photos all the time and he has loads of friends I don’t post on social media much at all and I didn’t include it in my timeline story. I didn’t do it to get a reaction but I wish I hadn’t done it as now it looks that way. Also last week my phone did an update and none of his texts came through till morning and he got really annoyed as he thought I was ignoring him (I wasn’t) and it caused him to react quite strongly and then he didn’t really believe me when I told him what happened

This is relevant as when I asked him today to clarify what he meant by spending less time together in the future, he laughed and wouldn’t tell me why he was laughing. I eventually got him to tell me and he said he knew that is why I changed it which makes me think he checked it. I didn’t explain myself I just asked again to clarify the first question. He said he meant not spending a whole entire weekend together. Which we have never done and don’t do. And I pointed this out. I then said to him again look no hard feelings if you feel you have rushed into this and want out, it’s ok if your feelings have changed and you want to end it. Maybe that is best. He got annoyed saying no, I don’t feel different that’s not what I meant and I want to be with you what more can I say? I said if it was the other way you would certainly want to question me over the statement and he agreed. He said he had not given it much thought but he said he knew that he was the instigator of how fast it went and not me.

After this he then started being a bit mean, teasing me, telling me I looked miserable (I didn’t), then asking me when I was going to go round and have sex with him. I asked him not to be mean to me and then he said very matter of factly ok I love you miss you and you look beautiful is that enough? Which felt forced.

I came off the call after that because it was pointless trying to talk to him in that mood

I’m glad I did talk to him because now it makes me see things more clearly and now I just need to work out the best way for me to cut things off

He sounds like a twat tbh. You can't change people or make them see sense and you deserve better. If you want to end it it's pretty simple - text him telling him it's over. Good luck OP

But OP, why not end it yourself? It’s not working for you. You keep telling him it’s ok if his feelings have changed and he wants to end things, but it’s as if you want him to be the one who finishes it — in fact you seem to think his feelings are more important than yours. It’s like the weekends when you wait around for him to confirm plans and waste your own time. You’re giving him way too much power. Changing your SM profile picture is just passive-aggressive, actually act. You keep saying ‘I try to end it but he pulls me back in’ — he doesn’t need to give you permission to end it.

Yea, he sounds like a right head-fuck.

And you sound lovely. You deserve so much more.

You are giving him all the power in your relationship. All the decisions lie with him does he want to break up, does he want to meet up, will you go on holiday, will he contact you, does he want to see you less.

You keep asking, do you make him happy. You should be asking, does he make you happy? And not the thought of how things could be, but right now. How he treats you now, how he talks to you now, how does it make you feel? Because you don't sound happy. And if he doesn't make you happy, why are you tieing yourself in knots trying to second guess and please him?

The more you post the more if an arsehole he sounds. Take back control, stop asking him all the time what he wants and how he feels and start responding according to how you feel.

And hopefully realise what a waste of space he is and bin him off.

The best way to cut things off is to message him:

"Dear x, the relationship isn't working for me and so I have decided to end it here. This isn't up for discussion, so I will be blocking you. All the best for the future, whyisit."

If you have things of his, box them up and post them or drop them off on his doorstep and run at some point. I'd write off anything you have at his. Any contact would reopen things and risk you getting sucked back in.

It's really not as complicated as you think.

You are giving him all the power in your relationship. All the decisions lie with him does he want to break up, does he want to meet up, will you go on holiday, will he contact you, does he want to see you less.

You keep asking, do you make him happy. You should be asking, does he make you happy? And not the thought of how things could be, but right now. How he treats you now, how he talks to you now, how does it make you feel? Because you don't sound happy. And if he doesn't make you happy, why are you tieing yourself in knots trying to second guess and please him?

This, every word.

I think you were love bombed which is why you are trying to get "back" to how it was. All of this aggro for a short'ish relationship.

This is the real him..and he doesn't seem very nice. Why are you giving him more headspace?

He love bombed you and then withdrew. He didnt take things slowly which you would have been happy with. I had a brief relationship with someone like that last year and it really messed with my head. Now I'm not going to do anything that doesn't feel right.

I think if you pull away he will chase you and then when you get more comfortable he will pull back. Is that what you want?

I'm sorry this has happened. He sounds like an immature idiot.
The best way to cut things off? Just send him an email or a message. Make the break, get it done and concentrate on you and getting over it.

It’s like you’re waiting him for him to end it when you can do that yourself.

He can only play games with you if you choose to join in, call time and move on,

How long have you been with this guy?

We have been together 9 months.

I don’t know why I am allowing this to go on like I am. Well I do, it’s because he makes me feel like I am unreasonable and over sensitive and I doubt myself too much.

He’s been super great the last couple of days now. No affection towards me he hasn’t said I love you, I miss you or anything nice like that but very communicative and in a good mood with himself and even asking me for advice. It’s like everything else has been forgotten about and he’s moved on now so it’s business as usual. Except without any affection so I kind of feel like I am just a friend to pass the boredom with. Probably because I answer the phone every time hoping this is the time he is affectionate and kind to me. I am a complete wet blanket

You changed your profile picture - he noticed it as a move away from him.

You called and asked him to explain the "seeing less of each other" thing - at this point he relaxed. Ah, she's not going anywhere after all! In fact, if I'm a bit mean to her, or just obviously say what she wants to hear without meaning it... She takes it!

You've shown you're not going anywhere - that's why he's in a good mood now. It's like: he was mean, you accepted it, so you've passed the test and your reward is to see "nice him" for a bit.

That's really how it reads. He's feeling pretty sure you're going nowhere at the moment. So he's fine to throw you some crumbs while he keeps on prioritising himself.

That's not what you want for your future, though, is it OP?