Shit first Mother's Day

[Comps83]

Sorry not looking for advice , just want to vent
Had my first baby in January , my mother died unexpectedly a week later
Last night DH got so drunk he fell asleep mid sentence while trying to protest that he wasn't drunk
So DS and I are sat downstairs while DH sleeps off his bastard hangover
Not to mention the obvious other elephant in the room that we're all having to deal with right now

I'm on my own this Mother's Day, kids are their dads. No card, small gift or anything because their dads can be arseholes lol. I knew this would happen anyway so I bought myself some chocolates and things for a nice fry up. Happy Mother's Day!

I don't think anyone's having the mother's day of their dreams

Sorry for your loss

Is your dh likely to be sorry or defensive when he wakes up? If the former, get him to make you a roast or whatnot and make it up to you. If the latter, it's probably time to get some hoovering done to loud music.

In the larger scale of things, does he have a drinking problem?

He's already been defensive. When ds stirred I took him straight down stairs and dh followed me wanting to know what was wrong . When I told him I was pissed off because he was so wankered last night he stormed off back to bed
Yes he's always drank too much . I know I shouldn't have married him or had a baby with him . Blatantly I don't like myself enough to think I could do any better

Oh and no card or present yet
Though I already know what I've got , it's alcohol , that he will no doubt drink himself as I've noticed the pink gin i bought myself a few weeks ago has mysteriously been gradually disappearing

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

Would you be willing and able to make plans going forward to leave this man?.

Did you yourself grow up seeing a parent drink all too heavily too?.

At the very least contacting Al-anon will help you in the short term.

Congratulations on your baby OP. Happy mother's day.

I've been awake since 6 am. Fed the animals, done a wash load, done some work. DH and DC all snoring away still and I have to do a skype meeting soon. I know they will crawl out of bed and go, 'Sorry, we meant to make you breakfast.' 18 years and not one breakfast in bed! It doesn't matter, really. What matters is that you have your gorgeous baby and that the two of you are safe and well.

But hide the gin. That's worrying.

Venting is all well and good but the elephant in the room i.e. his alcoholism remains.

You have a choice re this man, your baby does not. You do not have to stay with him nor choose to bring up baby in such an environment.

I feel for you OP. I really understand your hurt and resentment. It's a day where we'd like just a little bit of recognition and appreciation for our role as mums. And when our children are young, it's generally up to their father to sort something out. When they don't, it's like a slap in the face. I don't want to make excuses- but maybe as it's his first Mother's Day as a father, it just didn't occur to him what would be good to do. Has he done anything for his own mother? Very thoughtless... but give him a chance to put it right??? Not to excuse him but to make you feel better and to make sure he understands for the future.

And obviously it's a day when we think about our own mums -- and this is still raw and painful for you.

It's still early. Any chance he could still do something to rectify the situation?

What @Attila said. Your baby shouldn’t be living with an alcoholic because you don’t think you’re worth more. Act for his sake if not your own. And you are worth more. Mother’s Day is unimportant, your safety and happiness are not.

So sorry you lost your Mum, OP, and at such a time.
For me, becoming a Mum created a strong sense of the mother to child succession and I so badly wanted to share my child with my Mum and grandparent. Pass on what I had from my mum to my child.

You are a mother every day, celebrate yourself for that.

If he gives you alcohol to celebrate Mother’s Day I would calmly say ‘thanks, but I don’t see alcohol as being the best way to celebrate parenthood since the effect of parents drinking is so bad on children’s lives, and I am pouring it down the sink because like my pink gin, this will get drunk by you’.

Hide your special gin so he doesn't get anymore & don't tiptoe around. Selfish self-inflicted hangovers deserve no sympathy.

I was going to tell you not.to be so precious based on your thread title, but actually you are in a really horrible situation.

I'm very sorry about your mum and I hope that once we are past this crisis you can get out of your relationship and build a better life for you and your baby.

Well your son is a bit young to be celebrating Mothering Sunday and spoiling you and you are not your husband's mum. I don't see the big deal about the day specifically, though agree you have a shit husband; however he was a shit husband yesterday and no doubt will be tomorrow! There are more important issues than Mother's Day.

I came on here to see I had a personal message from someone. I opened it, no idea of the identity of the poster, never seen her name, the subject was men and her message was, "Hi babe". Very strange. Maybe that's my mother's day message . I wonder if anyone else has had one being as this is 'Mumsnet'.

When Father's Day arrives, you know what to do, NOTHING!

PS: I'm really sorry about your mum, she will be in your thoughts today.

Agree I others. You need to put your son first, he shouldn’t be living with an alcoholic.

Can your H go and stay somewhere else?

OP, seriously think now what you want for the future. Would you say your dh has a drink problem? It just hit home what you said about your gin disappearing.

Yep same here, my kids dad moved in with his girlfriend and her kids last week. He used to always make sure the boys at least had a card for me.
I messaged him not long ago to say 'thanks for helping the boys sort out a card for me, I guess we think differently' differently meaning I'd always make sure they got him a card. He messaged back 'you're welcome' there are loads if things I could reply back to that, but he's not worth it

So he came downstairs

Conversation swung from - he wasn't drunk - to he will get counselling- to he doesn't bloody need counselling, nothing bad happened and I just need to chill out and stop starting arguments - to if he gets counselling i have to be prepared for this to get a hundred times worse - to it's my issue not his

No he didn't send his own mother a card he never does

Yes I grew up with an alcoholic, he thinks I just have 'mummy issues' when it comes to not liking other people getting drunk

Yes I'm thinking of leaving once this crisis is over and my mother's estate is settled and I will have enough for a deposit

Sorry for everyone else having a shit Mother's Day

Comps, I'm glad you are making decisions about your relationship. I wonder how you are going to co-exist if neither of you can go out for the foreseeable, perhaps sleep in separate rooms and limit contact in common areas.

I hope the probate doesn't take too long and you can escape.

Comps

Your H's words are typical of an alcoholic in denial. Denial is also a powerful force.

I am so very sorry that you grew up with an alcoholic parent. Sadly no-one thought it necessary to protect you from that but you can protect your child going forward from suffering similarly. Like Lynda writes I hope also that the probate does not take too long and that you can make your escape.

I would also consider contacting Al-anon as their support could also be invaluable to you at this time. Do not also be afraid to call the police also if you are or feel threatened by him.

He's not violent at all . I'm not scared he'll hurt me or the baby ( although I did have stop him from drunk sleep walking to have wee in the baby's crib a few weeks ago, something else he denies)
In fact he always says 'well nothing bad happened did it?'
Then I start doubting myself as tbf nothing bad did actually happen . He just slurs, falls asleep or talks shit . So maybe it is just my problem?

Sorry my typos are horrendous I don't have my glasses on

He nearly had a drunk wee in your baby's crib??
Read your paragraph back to yourself.
Then ask yourself if it's your problem.