Shit first Mother's Day

[Comps83]

Sorry not looking for advice , just want to vent
Had my first baby in January , my mother died unexpectedly a week later
Last night DH got so drunk he fell asleep mid sentence while trying to protest that he wasn't drunk
So DS and I are sat downstairs while DH sleeps off his bastard hangover
Not to mention the obvious other elephant in the room that we're all having to deal with right now

We're more likely to pick alcoholic partners or become alcoholics ourselves when we grow up with alcoholism in the family home.

So it's you in that sense - it's familiar and your boundaries aren't where another person's would be. Most people wouldn't put up with this crap on the regular.

Please don't allow your child to grow up living with an alcoholic. Don't let your son suffer the same fate you did as a child. Don't just think about leaving, do it, and the sooner the better.

If this was a normal 'DH bit thoughtless on your first Mother's Day' post I'd say make a big fuss of Father's Day and he'd learn. Because while youaren't his Mother how else are children going to learn to celebrate it if their parents don't lead by example.

But since he's an alcoholic shit you should LTB as soon as you can to protect your child.

Oh and my 'present's in the bottom of his wardrobe if I want it'
Charming

Who cares. It's one day. Focus on the future. With or without a H that disappoints.

I am 50 in about ten days. I couldn't give a shit about the day itself but what I want is to be alive to enjoy the DECADE.

If you can eventually leave, you should. On Mother’s Day you can then help your little boy choose a card for you and you can make something together. You can also buy yourself a gift. You will not be expecting or hoping for anything and it will be fine.
Onwards and upwards. X

Ask him what he thought would have happened if you hadn’t stopped him and he literally urinated in a baby.

Then I hope you tell him that in no uncertain terms you would have called the police and he would have had a restraining order against him right now.

Tell him you have zero hesitation to throw him under the bus next time - he’s already shown you he doesn’t give a shit about harming his own baby.

You probably have CEN and you're drawn to an alcoholic.

I have been in similar situations. You are primed to CARE excessively for another person, to hold it all together, nobody is caring for you. And that can work before you have a child.

Have you read anything about childhood emotional neglect and the children of alcoholics? Their wounds are very similar.

On a baby. ON.

Shudder. Horrible typo

So he's saying that UNTIL something bad happens, there is nothing to worry about.
That's not really good enough is it?

I know I'm going to have to leave

I think my mood does play into the problems but either way we're not compatible and I should never have let it get this far hoping that things would change

Yes he quite often uses the excuse that he 'doesn't punch me so whats the problem (with him drinking excess of a box of wine)' I mean things have happened , getting brought home sackless by the police and various other stories

I'm really quite angry about the 'threat' of if he seeks counselling I have to prepare for it to get a whole lot worse when he opens Pandora's box

And now I'm stuck in the house with him , he's a teacher so will have to go to work but won't be doing full days

I don't know how you haven't smacked him upside his head with one of his empties! Who's name is on the mortgage or rental contract? So sorry for your loss.

It's joint on the mortgage

What a shit

Me too. DP was working last night. He got a puncture on the way home. So just me and the kids who got uo and just out their breakfast orders in. I just flooded the kitchen floor and the arsehole who lives in the flat up the stairs has his shit music on full so I can't even watch the TV in peace. It's my 30th next week and we can't do anything that we planned. Upside, today is a lovely day, I've washed the couch cushions and put them out to dry and I'm going to walk the dog, and sort some stuff in the garden. I would cope with social distancing much better if it was crappy weather.

@Comps83 I'm sorry if my first post sounded harsh.
I went through what you went through, due to emotional neglect I ended up in a really unbalanced relationship. I guess I had that core belief that nobody could love me for me, only for what I did for them, how I served them, how I facilitated their life. We looked normal on the outside. But the cogs in your brain shift after you have had a baby.

Now is probably not the right time to announce you're leaving. But start privately planning. Start privately thinking.

I'm in my own house with 2 teens and social distancing over the weekend has been fine. Bit scared about going to work tomorrow, a crisis like this makes you reassess.

Be grateful for this. In years to come you'll be glad for the catalyst.

He’s a teacher?

OK reading the updates, it's a bit more serious than a crappy mother's day.

'He's a teacher!' Is the exact thing exclaimed when I had to fill in an accident form when he fell over in a stupor at a friends wedding and I had to spend 6 hours in a&e while he abused hospital staff
My alcoholic mother was a senior nurse . I think some people are able to hide it well and manage to keep their jobs

Yeah I think we're done . Really shit timing but I imagine divorce rates will rocket during this pandemic with ppl cooped up together

I'm so sorry about your Mum 💐 is he likely to claim any of the money from her estate in a divorce? When you've got your head together praps have a phone call with a solicitor to cover yourself? It might help to document the drunk episodes to show he is an unfit father as well. I've just seen your other post - yes, shit timing for couples needing to split. Stay strong 💪 x

He says he won't take any money but that could change . I might have to pretend we're ok for now as I can't see how us being cooped up together on such bad terms is going to work.
He is absolutely point blank refusing to stop drinking and says it's an unreasonable request

OP, I’m so sorry you’ve had a awful Mother’s Day, particularly when you’re dealing with your mum’s death too.

Re his alcoholism, 100% what Atilla and others have already said. Don’t ever doubt yourself, you are not imagining any of this and it is not ok that he behaves this way. Alcoholics are incredibly selfish and his flip-flopping over counselling/not counselling and his fault/your fault are all typical of denial and designed to confuse you. His trying to threaten you over counselling is designed to put you off having the audacity to confront this issue. Well done for doing that and don’t let him manipulate you in that way. You sound like you are already making plans to leave, which is great. Good for you! You can only look after yourself and your baby.

I would absolutely forget about counselling for him (if he gets it for himself, great, bit it’s not your responsibility. If you can afford it, get the counselling for yourself, you deserve it! find someone who has plenty of experience of alcoholism. Also, look into Alanon and Nacoa.

Very best of luck!

I've got my card now
He wrote it out last night when drunk and I honestly can't make out a word it says . He has spelt ds's name completely wrong

Pretending everything is ok for now sounds like the best thing you can do given the circumstances. Try and avoid him as much as possible but stay civil and use this time to get your ducks in a row and plan your escape. Speak to a solicitor and try and ensure he can't get his hands on your Mums estate. It's amazing how much your so called DH changes when divorce papers are served. I'm sorry for the loss of your DM and happy mothers day to you 💐

After a long talk about his drinking and how I think he drinks the most when he’s making tea I’ve just come down to find him apparently drunk again and hiding a wine glass in the plate cupboard