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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP Celebrity Crush

92 replies

Confuzzled123 · 22/03/2020 06:06

Hi,

I wonder if I am overreacting due to general stress at the moment but my DP is really annoying me.

I’m currently going through therapy due to past bullying issues which have left me with low self esteem. My self esteem was also compounded by my DP telling me that I was average looking.

Over the past week he has developed a celebrity crush. It’s ridiculous. He won’t stop going on about how beautiful she is. I asked him not to talk about how beautiful she is but he has just ignored this.

I understand that he will find other women attractive- that’s normal. I just don’t want it shoved down my throat all the time when I’ve asked him not to.

He is watching a tv programme she is in on the Netflix I pay for (we don’t live together). He messaged me last night again to tell me about how good looking she is.

Is this normal behaviour and AIBU to be upset by this?

Thanks for any advice. Smile

Also, I know this is trivia compared to what is happening in the world right now but it’s upsetting me. Apologies if this offends anyone - that’s not my intention.

OP posts:
Confuzzled123 · 22/03/2020 19:02

I’m pretty sure she was at least 20 in the show! At least I hope so! That’s what Wikipedia says. Still young enough to be his daughter but not 13!

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 22/03/2020 19:15

As PP's said, end it as you could easily find a bloke that doesn't call you 'average looking.' Most of us might be fairly average looking, but it's not the sort of thing an OH should say to you,.

I wouldn't mind someone mentioning about once that an actress is attractive, but not all the time, especially if they'd called me 'average looking.'

You have some distance- now keep it that way please.

RandomMess · 22/03/2020 19:18

Kane may have been 20 but the character she played was 15.... honestly it's icky.

Confuzzled123 · 22/03/2020 19:22

@RandomMess - seriously? That puts a whole different light on it. Envy

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/03/2020 19:32

Were his previous crushes all "young"?

I am mid 40s and work in a uni honestly I just look at students and they look like kids, only the local footie team that are late 20/s/30s get a glance as eye candy!

I've spoken to some male peers and they say the same it's like women 30 years younger them aren't even considered "women" more like girls/kids and any passing attraction just doesn't exist!

Confuzzled123 · 22/03/2020 19:37

They are varied ages if I’m honest. However they do tend to be on the younger side.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/03/2020 19:42

Ewwwwwwwweew

BackseatCookers · 22/03/2020 19:51

Seriously OP, what are you doing with his guy?!

You seem to be ignoring the question of why you aren't breaking up with him?

Do you think he is a nice, kind person who seems proud of you and makes you feel good about yourself, confident and valued?

If not then being single is SO much better.

beenwhereyouare · 22/03/2020 20:57

Not that it matters a hill of beans, but according to Wiki, Adelaide Kane is 29 now, which would have made her 22ish when Reign premiered. He's still being terribly unkind and incredibly dismissive of your feelings, but looks like he's not a perv.

I'm sorry that he's treating you this way. What an ass! Flowers

RandomMess · 22/03/2020 21:17

But someone 22 made to look 15...

Still 22 and 50 - sorry I think that is really icky, 28 year age gap when the younger one is still so young!

Ce7913 · 23/03/2020 05:45

Sorry, but this guy is just an abuser of a different stripe to your last abuser.

You are attending therapy to improve your self esteem. He is threatened by this so he's trying to keep you down and in your place lest your therapeutic journey lead you to realise that you deserve better than him or better from him.

It's a dynamic that is as common as dirt.

There is simply no other explanation why a grown man would deliberately and insistently initiate conversation with their partner about how crazy attractive he finds another woman against their partner's repeatedly expressed wishes.

I mean, he's even going out of his way to message you to bring it up when you're not together.

Who does that?! Seriously, why would that even occur to him to think of, much less do?

....The thing is, it is not immediately, always disrespectful to casually mention finding a particular celeb attractive once should the topic somehow come up in conversation.

However, the vast majority of grown men in relationships have the decency, common sense (and survival instinct!) not to repeatedly go on and on waxing rhapsodical about how gorgeous/sexy/attractive another woman is. No-one with any respect or consideration for their partner does this.

...That this guy insists upon doing so despite knowing your wishes, your history, and your current therapeutic goals - that he even feels compelled to message you to initiate conversation about it when you're apart! - tells you that he has an agenda... That he is getting something out of doing so.

To wit: keeping you at a constant low-level hum of anxiety and self doubt and constantly reminding you how much more desirable he finds other women in order to elicit in you a need for his validation and/or tie your sense of self-worth to his approval.

Also a dynamic that is common as dirt. E.g. see 'negging'.

GilbertMarkham · 23/03/2020 12:58

You don't tell someone they're average looking,even if they are. (And taste varies do one person's average is another's "something about them".

You don't tell someone about your celeb crushes. Some long-term couples might rib each other in a good natured, gentle and humorous way about celeb crushes that are obvious ... But that's two way and not the situation here.

So he's got , at best, some mental/social/maturity issue where he doesn't know how to act normally, appropriately. If he's purposefully trying to make you feel inferior/unattractive or something.

Neither are feasible.

Personally from what you've said I don't know if he's trying to intentionally out you down .. he sounds like he's got no filter, whatever's in his head comes out (not dissimilar to mentionitis in real life crushes/affairs), and that makes him like an immature, inappropriate, bad mannered wanker really.

I wonder how he'd like it if his partner told him he was average looking and spent her time repeatedly mentioning/gushing over David Handy/Chris Hemsworth/Aiden Turner/whoever. It's like he hasn't grown up or gotten any normal cop on. He's not the full shilling really.

GilbertMarkham · 23/03/2020 12:59

*Gandy

GilbertMarkham · 23/03/2020 13:00

*....The thing is, it is not immediately, always disrespectful to casually mention finding a particular celeb attractive once should the topic somehow come up in conversation.

However, the vast majority of grown men in relationships have the decency, common sense (and survival instinct!) not to repeatedly go on and on waxing rhapsodical about how gorgeous/sexy/attractive another woman is. No-one with any respect or consideration for their partner does this.*

Exactly.

Or noone well adjusted does this.

daisychain01 · 23/03/2020 13:13

I won’t be seeing him for a while due to social distancing so I hope I can get some strength and self worth back in that time apart

That sounds like you intend to see him after some SD.

Sack him off, he's a shallow idiot who is hellbent on eroding your self worth. You know what they say about comparison being the thief of joy?

Use the SD as a reason for him never to darken your door again. Block him off all devices and accounts, really easy!

daisychain01 · 23/03/2020 13:15

it is not immediately, always disrespectful to casually mention finding a particular celeb attractive

Except this idiot has a hefty dose of mentionitis....

He won’t stop going on about how beautiful she is. I asked him not to talk about how beautiful she is but he has just ignored this

ScreamingLadySutch · 23/03/2020 17:51

Being single is FINE, OP.

It really is.

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