Silent Treatment + Sulking Partner

[snufflebuns]

Mainly asking for advise on how to deal with sulking partner - as background we don't live together, he works for himself in a fairly stressful job. I will start this by saying I know this is minor in the great scheme of things going on!!!

But there's two instances this week that are poignant and bugging me where I'm questioning where my behaviour has gone so wrong to deserve stints if silent treatment and sulking for hours and hours on end.

The first - Saturday night, we'd had a lovely day out, had some drinks in a nice bar and headed out to a restaurant (faaaairly tipsy!). Nearing the end of the meal cross words were spoken - talking about politics! - and it cumulated in him storming out the restaurant and disappearing into the night. Long story short, I ended up calling him over and over, begging him to come stay at mine. When he eventually answered and turned up I ended up apologising and making it up to him even though we were both in the wrong and it was him who walked out not me...?

The second was yesterday, he'd had a meeting and I rang to ask how it went in the afternoon. I asked if he wanted to swing by mine as the country is v likely to go on lockdown soon. He said no and asked what lockdown meant. Here's where I know it sounds really petty - but he KNOWS what lockdown means, everyone talking about it, he hasn't been living under a rock and I actually explained twice last week in detail what it meant for Italy and Spain ...

Anyway the cumulation of me saying I'm not explaining again what it means has resulted in 24hrs of silence. Texted last night saying are you ready to talk, nope. Texted today and said can we not drag this out. Ignored.

Where am I going wrong? He is adamant that I'm rude and have a 'shitty attitude' but in my mind I'm just a normal person trying the deal with a toddler who sometimes acts like a man...

Any advice on how to avoid this happening in future? Will update on whether he ever replies !!!

God, life is far too short to be dealing with this idiot. Do not message him again!

The best way to deal with this is to bin the sulky bastard and get yourself a better partner.

My advice is use this time wisely and self isolate yourself from this knobhead permanently

Should say - he's got form for both, storming out of restaurants/parties etc and requiring me to repeat things over and over again.

I sound awful but honestly it's actually draining having to remind someone at least twice about everything you've told them !!!!

He is doing it on purpose. It seems highly unlikely that he will ever change. Get rid of him now.

Why oh why oh why are you wasting your life with this insufferable arsehole? Raise the bar.

You don't sound awful, he does. You can't make someone behave like a decent person. Look at how he's got you second-guessing yourself: you feel like you must be the problem here because he can't see it at all!

He's just a dick. And you can't change him. All you can do is decide if you want the headfuck of being in a relationship with a dick. Or if you're ready to leave him and enjoy the peace that comes from not trying to believe black=white etc.

Its your life so its not a minor issue even with what is happening at present.

Its not you, its him. He is a manchild with the shitty attitude and what you are really describing here is abuse. You are with an abusive individual and there is no dealing with the likes of him because he will forever make it all out to be your fault with he being blameless. Thank goodness you and he do not live together; this will make ending this a lot easier.

You need to end the relationship because he is emotionally abusive towards you. The silent treatment is a further example of emotional abuse from him. If you text him again I would text him that this is no longer working for you and so you wish him well for the future.

Do not be sucked in by any promises from him to change because such types do not change. Please also consider reading about and enrolling yourself onto Women's Aid's Freedom Programme. Your boundaries, perhaps already weakened by past poor relationships, are really being further eroded by this individual.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft; this man is in those pages. You may also want to read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

he's got form for both, storming out of restaurants/parties

I’m embarrassed for you
Have you no pride?

Snufflebuns

And consider too what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. What sort of example did your parents show you?. Similar to what you describe now?.

LovingLola - ouch!

Yes I do have pride and I won't pretend I'm all sweetness and light. I've tried to portray the events from a non-biased point of view but I'm sure if he told you what happened it might sound different

Thanks for all the advice. I'm not going to message again (8 ignored messages are enough 🤪)

What I do know is that he goes through these awful phases when he's stressed which he is. But I've tried so hard to be supportive, to be fun and not talk about my problems to create a nice atmosphere when we're together. I get radio silence from him, he doesn't call unless I do, he doesn't text unless I do.

We've actually been together a really long time and this is the one thing that doesn't seem to change. If there's ever a disagreement he just shuts down and shuts me out until I apologise...

Attila -

Thanks for your advice. My parents are much more of a have it out and be done with couple - which is what I am!

I'd much rather have a quick few cross words now, quick apology and be done with. That's the way I roll even now if I know I'm in the wrong.

I suppose this is sort of my fault because I could end this by apologising and it would be over but it's so demeaning to always have to say sorry and grovel for something I haven't done...?? If that makes sense

Its not your fault other than you should have dumped him a long long time ago

Run. Very fast.
There is another thread on here called something like "divorcing sulking H". The poor OP on there has been through hell.
Don't waste any more time with this man.

What happens when it wasn't your fault and you don't apologise? Or have you never stood your ground?

Have a look at the threads by jamaisjedors.

"it's so demeaning to always have to say sorry and grovel for something I haven't done...?? If that makes sense"

• which is why you must say goodbye and be single.

You haven't quite faced up to how abusive, misogynistic and controlling this is, but hopefully you will start to.

THIS needs to be taught to ALL preteens:

snufflebuns

May I ask how old you are now roughly?.

Thankfully you are not going to message him again.

You may well have been together a long time but you could well be getting stuck here on the sunken costs fallacy. This whole thing is a sunk cost that cannot be recouped. He won't change and this is who he really is. He is abusive towards you; sulking is indeed an example of emotional abuse. And do not blame this on he being stressed; plenty of people are stressed and do not act out like he does. Abusive men act precisely though like he does. He has got you well trained to apologise for his bad behaviours as well like you have done wrong here!. That has likely sneaked up on you over time as well till its now almost second nature. Abuse is like you describe; it is indeed insidious in its onset.

Have you never heard of the "nice/nasty" cycle of abuse?. It does not seem so. He keeps on showing you this and such men really do not change.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?. Your kindness and good nature is being used against you here by this man to get his claws into and otherwise destroy you from the inside out. He knows all too well sadly that you are a complete doormat for he to mistreat. I would also think he does not treat others like this; its only for you that such is directed.

Just to clarify OP, the abuse is how he turns it around and makes his bad mood/rage at being contradicted/shown up for not paying attention YOUR fault.

This is called DARVO and you need to take the signals he is giving (he doesn't like women/thinks they rank beneath him/should give him undivided attention/cannot be bothered to listen to you/does not respect/appreciate you) and take them seriously.

The fact that he works so hard, you rarely see eachother and you have to beg him to come round - is another big signal about his attachment style - you at arms length not really bonded with.

Pay attention, OP. This is not a recipe for happiness, and there are so many nicer, more authentic, more affectionate men out there.

'When someone tells you who they are, pay attention: the first time" - Maya Angelou

I have stood my ground - and it lasts days and days and days and days. Literally days on end. I half feel like seeing how long this one will go on if I don't back down as an experiment!

My last message to him just said to hit me up when he's ready to talk..

The worst part is, as soon as he is, I forgive and forget in a second. And if it were the situation reversed I would have sooo much making up to do!!

To whoever asked - I'm mid-20s but he's a bit older than me.

Attila - YES!! I always say to him treat me like you would a colleague or your friend!!!

He says I would treat them the same as you (obviously wouldn't!!!)

ScreamingLady

The fact that he works so hard, you rarely see eachother and you have to beg him to come round - is another big signal about his attachment style - you at arms length not really bonded with.

He is very 'treat them mean, keep them keen'. But we do joke about it and he says I'm needy. (Which perhaps I was a year or so ago but I'm sooo much more indépendant now)

And DON'T try to engage him on this, or try to change him (you are on a control struggle hiding to nothing).

The only question any person should ask is this: "Is this acceptable to me?"

Yes, or no. He actually has every right to be who he needs to be and be on whatever journey he needs to be on.
But does it fulfil you needs? Are you pretzeling yourself or making yourself smallerin order to accommodate him?
And is that acceptable.

How I wish that what I have worked out now, was taught me at a younger age! I chose a life a great unhappiness because I 'thought' I could love a difficult man better.

Instead, he shredded my soul, and hugely hurt our children. Don't waste your time, OP

I have to agree with @LovingLola have some pride! Stop begging him, next time he storms off let him stay gone. When he’s ignoring you, don’t text or call, ignore him back. He’s playing you for a fool and you’re totally dancing to his tune.
Honestly I couldn’t be bothered with that much drama from a shitty relationship.

"he says I'm needy. "

Maybe someone else can step in and explain this.

I have said too much anyway.

Why are you even bothering to talk to him again? Do you honestly not think you deserve better than him?