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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Silent Treatment + Sulking Partner

90 replies

snufflebuns · 19/03/2020 15:21

Mainly asking for advise on how to deal with sulking partner - as background we don't live together, he works for himself in a fairly stressful job. I will start this by saying I know this is minor in the great scheme of things going on!!!

But there's two instances this week that are poignant and bugging me where I'm questioning where my behaviour has gone so wrong to deserve stints if silent treatment and sulking for hours and hours on end.

The first - Saturday night, we'd had a lovely day out, had some drinks in a nice bar and headed out to a restaurant (faaaairly tipsy!). Nearing the end of the meal cross words were spoken - talking about politics! - and it cumulated in him storming out the restaurant and disappearing into the night. Long story short, I ended up calling him over and over, begging him to come stay at mine. When he eventually answered and turned up I ended up apologising and making it up to him even though we were both in the wrong and it was him who walked out not me...?

The second was yesterday, he'd had a meeting and I rang to ask how it went in the afternoon. I asked if he wanted to swing by mine as the country is v likely to go on lockdown soon. He said no and asked what lockdown meant. Here's where I know it sounds really petty - but he KNOWS what lockdown means, everyone talking about it, he hasn't been living under a rock and I actually explained twice last week in detail what it meant for Italy and Spain ...

Anyway the cumulation of me saying I'm not explaining again what it means has resulted in 24hrs of silence. Texted last night saying are you ready to talk, nope. Texted today and said can we not drag this out. Ignored.

Where am I going wrong? He is adamant that I'm rude and have a 'shitty attitude' but in my mind I'm just a normal person trying the deal with a toddler who sometimes acts like a man...

Any advice on how to avoid this happening in future? Will update on whether he ever replies !!!

OP posts:
TheClitterati · 20/03/2020 02:29

OMG you're in your 20's!!!
DUMP & RUN OP!
Don't waste anymore of your life - he really isn't worth it.

BitOfFun · 20/03/2020 03:30

So true, @TheClitterati

snufflebuns · 20/03/2020 06:04

Thanks for all the words of wisdom.

I didn't contact after the call yesterday afternoon. I told him he had gone too far. He messaged in the evening and said did I want to have a 'civil conversation'. I ignored and he tried to call later which I also ignored.

Feeling quite strong this morning. It's nice not to have that niggling worry in the back of my mind...

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 20/03/2020 06:17

God if I’d married the boyfriend I was with for 5 years in my twenties I’d be in a woman’s refuge. As it is thank god I saw the light binned him and met my gorgeous even tempered fun dh. Now I live in a big house with him and our two lovely girls. Do what I did! Run like the fucking wind!

Onthemaintrunkline · 20/03/2020 06:22

At last you are learning, he sounds quite the puppet-master. Great words of advice here for you, I do hope you cease being controlled by him. I don’t even know him but think him an arrogant moody sod......why on earth would you bother with him? Storming out of restaurants because his sensibilities had been twitched! A man would do this to me once and once only.

Catting · 20/03/2020 06:56

Please make this the time you actually dump him. If you go back after a little bit of resistance from you, he will only become more and more controlling.

Isthisit22 · 20/03/2020 07:11

Please stop contacting him and move on with your life.
You have many people here telling you that this is no way to live and that you deserve better, promise they are right Flowers

BitOfFun · 20/03/2020 07:15

Absolutely! I know it's hard to end a relationship that isn't good for you, but you really need to do it just to grow as a person, and to learn that there is so much more out there for you. If you stay with this joysucker, you will miss out on SO MUCH.

You have one life- seize it!

Dery · 20/03/2020 07:23

Please make this the time you actually dump him. If you go back after a little bit of resistance from you, he will only become more and more controlling.

This.

You’re doing really well. You knew deep down his behaviour was bad (that’s why you posted), you’ve taken on board what was said and you’ve acted on it. Get as much RL support as you can. Expect to have wobbles (you’ve been together for 5 years) and work out strategies for staying strong. He may start love-bombing when he realises you’re gone. Resist him. He had 5 years to treat you well but he chose to throw his weight around and bully you when you didn’t do what he wanted. That’s who he is. You deserve (and will have) much better.

FlowerArranger · 20/03/2020 07:25

"You must let go of the idea that “when he changes I’ll be happy.” He may never change. You must stop trying to make him. And you must learn to be happy anyway.”
“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

Weenurse · 20/03/2020 07:34

Stay strong and don’t contact him.💐

ptumbi · 20/03/2020 07:45

'What are you doing wrong?' Why aren't you asking what HE'S doing wrong? (This may take a while Hmm)

Is HE worthy of YOU?

What is HE doing to make it right?

What is HE doing for You?

What is HE doing to make YOU feel better?

How is HE trying to maintain the relationship? Why is it all on you? Why are YOU apologising? NEVER EVER apologise for something you haven't done. NEVER! You are just laying the foundation for abuse - the abuser sees you apologising; gains power. Uses that power to abuse you further - because he knows you will always apologise. You are always on the back foot, and always want to please and appease him. By the end, you CANNOT appease, all you can do is grovel, cling, cry... and they hate and revile you for it.

This is not a good, healthy relationship. It will not end well, however much he might tell you he'll 'change'.

Get rid and STAY RID now.

TheMaddHugger · 20/03/2020 08:04

@snufflebuns.

check your messages. sent a book link - why does he do that.

((((((Hugs)))))))

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/03/2020 08:31

Have a good think about why you have wanted to be in a relationship where you can't be yourself. Where you are not an equal partner.

However, don't beat yourself up about it. We all make mistakes and make foolish decisions. Best to look forward now. When you feel strong enough, one last message saying, "It's over. Please don't contact me again." would draw the line under the relationship. Expect lots of contact at that point, though! It would be best to block him at that point if you're serious that you deserve better (and you should be! Be single for a while, it's great!). And if he did turn up at your door, you don't have to let him in. You can even call the police if you feel uncomfortable. That's worst-case scenario, although it wouldn't surprise me. He's used to bullying you into submission, after all.

It's great that you're seeing the light. There's a brighter future for you. You're already feeling better for not focusing on pleasing him!

FizzAfterSix · 22/03/2020 19:31

How are you doing, OP?
Hoping this advice was helpful in helping you take back control and doing the right thing for yourself.

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