Silent Treatment + Sulking Partner

[snufflebuns]

Mainly asking for advise on how to deal with sulking partner - as background we don't live together, he works for himself in a fairly stressful job. I will start this by saying I know this is minor in the great scheme of things going on!!!

But there's two instances this week that are poignant and bugging me where I'm questioning where my behaviour has gone so wrong to deserve stints if silent treatment and sulking for hours and hours on end.

The first - Saturday night, we'd had a lovely day out, had some drinks in a nice bar and headed out to a restaurant (faaaairly tipsy!). Nearing the end of the meal cross words were spoken - talking about politics! - and it cumulated in him storming out the restaurant and disappearing into the night. Long story short, I ended up calling him over and over, begging him to come stay at mine. When he eventually answered and turned up I ended up apologising and making it up to him even though we were both in the wrong and it was him who walked out not me...?

The second was yesterday, he'd had a meeting and I rang to ask how it went in the afternoon. I asked if he wanted to swing by mine as the country is v likely to go on lockdown soon. He said no and asked what lockdown meant. Here's where I know it sounds really petty - but he KNOWS what lockdown means, everyone talking about it, he hasn't been living under a rock and I actually explained twice last week in detail what it meant for Italy and Spain ...

Anyway the cumulation of me saying I'm not explaining again what it means has resulted in 24hrs of silence. Texted last night saying are you ready to talk, nope. Texted today and said can we not drag this out. Ignored.

Where am I going wrong? He is adamant that I'm rude and have a 'shitty attitude' but in my mind I'm just a normal person trying the deal with a toddler who sometimes acts like a man...

Any advice on how to avoid this happening in future? Will update on whether he ever replies !!!

Thanks - these messages made me cry!!! Potentially emotional die to being stuck indoors!!!!

I'll be honest I caved and rang. He confirmed everything you said, was awful. I'm going to leave it now. I think an enforced break at the very least to clear my head is what I need.

I wouldn't say he's abusive. He does do a lot for me and we have so much fun just he can't seem to realise how detrimental is persistent denial of wrongdoing (ie I am the root cause of his every stress, directly or indirectly) is to someone's mental well-being

User - drained and exhausted are the words I'd use. Physically though, even though it should just be mental...

Personally I would send one more message along the lines of goodbye goodluck never contact me again and block because I feel its shitty to ghost someone although he has technically ghosted you so....block him

We've been together 5+ years, I couldn't just ghost or block..

We've been together 5+ years, I couldn't just ghost or block..

Oh yes, you absolutely can. You're not married, and you don't live together - you clearly don't realise how easy you have it in terms of dumping him. One text and it's done, and you don't owe that abusive twat a single damn thing. It's very sad that you would even consider giving him another moment of your time, frankly.

I'm sorry OP but he sounds like an abusive prick, training you not to disagree with him. You seem lovely and I hope taking some time and space to reflect on his pattern of behaviour will be helpful.

It's infantile, controlling nonsense. Don't tolerate it.

He's training you into how he wants and you to behave. I used to live with a sulker/stonewaller and it's highly unpleasant & confusing.

I very very very much doubt he will change.

Think about what you want from your life and if/how a partner who treats you like this can be a part of that.

Hes a twatt! Dump him and move on

snufflebuns my XH was an Olympic level sulker. His longest sulk lasted for two weeks. Sulking is also called stonewalling and is passive aggression. It's a form of emotional abuse, designed to 'train' you how to behave. It's often a learned behaviour; my XH picked it up from his mother. I would advise you to do some Googling about it.

Note that he is now an XH. Honestly, run. For. The. Hills.

You don't notice his control & power tactics as much YET because you are independent but should you move in together or have a child then the balance of power would shift and his behaviour would ramp up. Perhaps he is fine 80% of the time.

I was you but by 10 years in, house & children his behaviour ramped up so that it was only ok 20% of the time.

What was childhood like? Abusive men look for "victims", those who will tolerate poor behaviour as it shows how much power you will give to him.

This evening he is in control of your emotions by not responding..he is feeling like your puppet master. There really is no way you can fix this. He doesn't want to relinquish control.

Read Patricia Evan's, the Verbally Abusive relationship it will help you.

People often think the word abuse = shouting, violence, etc. Abuse is a strong word and sometimes over used.

However, ask yourself what the mechanics of the situation actually are -
He doesn't like something you said. Maybe its a challenge to his ego or something. Maybe you both say silly things.
He kicks off and sulks. Refuses to accept any fault. Makes it all your fault.

What effect does that have? How do you feel? Do you find yourself at times trying to strategise and control your own behaviour to avoid another incident?

The end result is that he is in control, always. Or else you are made to suffer.

If the word abuse doesn't feel right, never mind. It is not ok. Ask yourself if you could ever knowingly treat another person like that, or watch a loved one be treated that way.

The book Why Does He Do That is available as a free pdf online. Strongly recommend it.

Get rid he’s turning this onto you, thank god you do not live together, move on, he’s like a sulky teenager.

You need to understand that he absolutely knows how his actions make you feel - and he wants you to feel like that, because he doesn't love you, he is a controller who wants someone to control. Would you treat someone you love like he treats you? Follow what that logically means.

Please don't waste any more time on him. The nice stuff he does is not worth this, on and on, for the rest of your life. Other men can have nice times with you, and do nice things for you, but you won't have to pay with your own sanity, well-being and self-respect.

and things like when he says he doesn't understand lockdown when you have talked about it? He's gaslighting you. Another abuse tactic.

He's an abuser. Don't waste your life being abused by him.

Of course you have fun and he's nice, if an abuser was abusive 100% of the time you'd never have stayed with him. It's the cycle of nasty and nice that keeps you in the hook

5 years of this?!?
Is this what you want the rest of your life to be? Dealing with this man child and his tantys.
Please take a break from the relationship and re-evaluate what you want in a life partner. Write as list and compare to this man - he's going to fall well short!
Take up some new hobbies (My hobby I took up in my "crappy relationship rehab" phase was pole fitness), focus on self love and getting yourself in a good place . You deserve better than this overgrown toddler. Don't waste any more of your time. He's clearly got no interest in changing and expects you to be good obedient little groveling girlfriend and fall into line begging forgiveness.

Bin him! Don't keep on grovelling into your thirties!!

Read up On stonewalling.
A lot of the women on this site are older and have had the experience of minimising horrendous behaviour with the hope that it will get better. And these wonderful women know that it never gets better and once you have married and had children the ignoring cock end will have broken you soul.

You have been with this ........ [expletive deleted] for 5 years??? And he has always been liked this?

And now, after all the abuse he dished out before giving you the silent treatment........ you caved in and rang him? WHY???

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Can you not show yourself some respect?

Sorry, I know I sound like a witch, but I get both sad and angry when I witness women who value themselves so little...

You definitely need to read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH, by Robin Norwood. And block him.

I've tried so hard to be supportive, to be fun and not talk about my problems to create a nice atmosphere when we're together. I get radio silence from him, he doesn't call unless I do, he doesn't text unless I do

This kind of thing will be why a pp said you have no pride.

You're so bent on pleasing a man who sounds like a total idiot, that you can't even show the real you.

Sulking, storming out, getting you to repeat yourself etc - I wouldn't even let that sit on my sofa, he'd have to stay the fuck away. I 8

5 years👀

Read the book a pp mentioned and try to establish some boundaries. Somewhere along the line you've been taught to have no standards. It's a shame, when you could be out there doing far better and having a nicer life without having a tedious drama llama around.

He's not abusive? Of course he is, look up what abuse actually is.
We can't all be wrong can we?

You're listening, but you're really not hearing.
Of course it's abuse.
There are hundreds of threads on here about this type of abuse.
You've wasted 5 years of your very young life on this nut-job - you need to wake-up.
Sorry to sound so harsh but you really are very naive.

I’m married to a man like this. It’s ruined my life. Do not be me. Now the silent treatments last for up to a week at a time. It’s soul crushing. I have no self esteem or confidence left. My spirit has gone. Get out. For gods sakes get out now. Do not chase this man. It will ruin your life. Your life is over if you keep going with this guy. You can do better than this. Be brave. End it.