Unexpected long term house guests

[UnexpectedHouseGuests]

This may be long and I have tried to anonymise and cut back to the basics, as it would be outing to anyone who knows me. Regular user, name changed to separate from previous posts....

I have a family member, their partner and their baby living with us. It was meant to be for about 8 weeks from just before the baby was born, until the baby was old enough to get a passport, then they were meant to be moving to another country.

For a variety of valid reasons, it ended up that they could not move overseas and have now been with us for nearly 4 months already. They were going to move to a UK rental in the next few weeks. But, with CV, it looks like their income is going to dry up, so they won't be able to afford it, even if they could go and look for a place.

So, they are here long term. I know this is the right thing to do, to give them stability and a roof over their heads etc, but I am struggling mentally. I had prepared myself for 4 months, knowing their projected 8 weeks was probably unrealistic, but an unlimited timeframe, with an increasing financial burden, as their income dries up...

I work full time in a permanently home based role and am not used to having lots of others around. I now have the three of them here all day every day, causing distraction and chaos. They are not tidy or organised people at the best of times, now with a baby they are worse. There is stuff EVERYWHERE. They change nappies on the kitchen table, while complaining about how unhygienic my pets are. Many little things about how they fail to look after my home are beginning to grate, as they become increasingly settled.

I have two school age children who will also be at home from Friday. DH is still having to go to work and will do for the foreseeable future, so I will be working and schooling, like many others.

They are helping with cooking for us all, but have very different tastes to my DC, so every meal has become a battleground.

I just feel emotionally exhausted by the whole thing. I don't know what I want from this thread other than to get it off my chest. And ask if anyone has any tips on how to cope with several more months of this.

Oh no, you have to get them out! Changing the baby on the kitchen table, ffs! That's outrageous.

You need to sit them down and have an adult conversation about what’s expected of them in order to live with you more long term.

Asking two adults to pick up after themselves is not a huge ask.

Oh that is very unfair of them to be SUCH an imposition as this. They absolutely must leave. Perhaps applying to the council as homeless? Have they contacted shelter? They need to be proactive here and pull their socks up.

I think all the adults need to sit down and discuss the way forward.

Now with impending isolations/possible lockdowns is a brilliant time to have the conversation and set boundaries that you all agree to, without it looking like you are necessarily singling them or having a go.

If they cannot work then helping to look after your children while you home work and put food on the table for the household and keep the roof over their heads feels like a fair trade off to me!

I think some rules would be a good idea. Eg no changing on the kitchen table (yuk), everyone cooks in turn, there’s a rota chores, etc

It sounds very hard, good luck.

Something along the lines of " look, I know you're in a difficult situation, and I wouldn't want to ask you to leave at a time like this....but for everyone's sanity we need to put down some ground rules. This is my place of work as well as my home. For my own sanity I need order, quiet and basic hygiene standards met. So no changing baby on the kitchen tabke( that is so gross btw) and no allowing your mess to spill over to public areas. ( they do have a room?)
Are they your family or DH's? Hopefully he's inside and will back you up in this discussion.
If your dc have work to do at home, they're going to need somewhere to do it as well, difficult with a new baby around. I think you can use it as an opportunity to set up rotas and routines.
It must be very difficult, you are very kind to continue putting them up.

Point out that your home is your place of work. And that you need them to respect that, with regard to quietness and not disturbing you.

Then you need to draw up a rota of household tasks, and basic ground rules. Keep reminding them that this is your home. You have the right to have them respect it. If they take that amiss, then they'll probably make more effort to find something else.

Fuck no. Give them until the end of March to get out, OP. Or move back home.

I feel your pain. My PIL arrived to stay with us last week ( we live overseas). It is now looking like they are going to be stuck here indefinitely. There are no words.....

Could they not find somewhere else? A Premier Inn or similar? I bet you could get a bargain at he moment.

Discuss with DH and decide on firm boundaries and expectations for these guests moving forward, then sit then down and in calm reasonable voice tell them if they intend on staying in house longer this is what you expect. If someone else is generous enough to give you a roof over your head, then a decent person pulls their weight and then some, and wouldn't be making comments about their host's pets that lived in the house before that did. Will be a hard coversation but if they don't like it, they can choose to move out cause you aren't forcing them to stay. Your house, your rules.
I hope they are at least contributing towards bills as well.

Please get these boundaries & expectations in b peace ASAP and stick firm to them, otherwise it will be you, your husband and children's relationships that suffer.

You and DH need to agree the terms and conditions and then you need to present them to your family.

And they ARE terms and conditions, not negotiations. 'Please change the baby [wherever], not on the kitchen table'; 'You'll need to pick up [x] and clear the [y] after you use them'; ' We've worked out your share of bills and expenses; here they are' etc.

I agree regarding discuss hygiene, expectations, boundaries and finances with your husband, and then present a united front to present all this to these guests.
I don't see how they are going to be able to move or even move into a hotel..in the next few months. Countries like Spain are closing their hotels, probably the UK will follow suit.
You need to be very assertive. Good luck.

Ground rules based on them being lodgers rather than guests, and they need to pay rent. It's the only way you're going to manage this and stay sane. Plus if their income does dry up they'll have little motivation to do anything else as they have a cushty rent-free house for however long they like.

Your house your rules. Tell them what you want to happen.

I agree with pp you need to sit them down and say as this may now be a medium term arrangement you need to look at ground rules. And beforehand write down so you are clear what your minimum is eg all stuff confined to their room/ tidied away by 5 pm , no baby changing except on mat on floor, bathroom rota, noise levels. It sounds harsh but otherwise you will end up killing them

I’d have kicked them out for changing the baby’s nappy on the kitchen table.

Your house, your rules. Changing nappies on the kitchen table is gross. Is there nobody else they can go and stay with? If not, at the very least they need to be looking after your kids so you can work during the day. They need to keep the place clean and be responsible for going out and getting the food shop in. What a shit situation to be in

They're taking the proverbial. If they really can't go, lay the law down, get DH to back you up. Or get him to do it if they are his family. They are Corona Cunty Fuckers.

Thanks all for listening.

They would not be classed as homeless - the place they were meant to be moving to is theirs, but they now cannot get to it (thanks, CV)

They have their own large double bedroom, with en suite. It is daft things that frustrate, like not putting the fan on, so the en suite grows mouldy. We have two living rooms, so we can still have our own space, and I have a home office.

They are helping with grocery shopping, which is really the major additional expense of them being here. I do suspect I am spending more already, and that will only increase if they lose their job through CV. Other bills, we would be paying anyway, and we are financially comfortable in general, so I don't feel the need to ask for cash off them. It is more about the mental impact and learning to live with other people.

I am not going to be asking them to move, especially not to a hotel. The fallout of that would be monumental for the entire wider family, and difficult as this is, I love them dearly and don't want to do that.

DH is out 6.30am-10pm almost every day at the moment, thanks to the CV also. I think you are all right about setting boundaries, and it might be easier if if comes from him, not me. So, I will have to keep taking deep breaths and wait for a moment when he can speak to them about it.

How are you related to them - this will impact on the dynamic. Do they see you as a parent/auntie figure or an equal?

They would not be classed as homeless - the place they were meant to be moving to is theirs, but they now cannot get to it (thanks, CV)

Do you mean the place overseas, or the place in the UK? There are no travel restrictions in the UK, they can get in a car and drive there.

Call a house meeting and work out new house rules.
This is a crisis time and tell them that you all must pull together but as it is your home you will be in charge of making sure the home is run how you want it.
There are many cultures that are matriarchal in the home and you need to take charge like this just for the crisis.
Tell normality will come but until then they have to fit in with how you want your home to be
No more changing nappies on tables and back off about the home pets.

It is not very grateful of them to have given you so much grief already.
Take charge OP and good luck

OP. just noticed you saying the rules will come better form your DH.......this sounds like a different culture
Tell them this is the UK and women are equal

sounds like you are not respected because you are female? that is not ok

You need to talk to them as well because they are your direct relatives here, you cannot leave this just to your DH. They are now really using your kindness against you here and they should have made alternative arrangements after the initial 8 weeks agreed. Mistakes have been made on both sides and if this is at all going to work going forward you are going to have to be far tougher and set firmer, higher and consistently applied boundaries re what is and is not acceptable.

Re your comment:-
"am not going to be asking them to move, especially not to a hotel. The fallout of that would be monumental for the entire wider family, and difficult as this is, I love them dearly and don't want to do that".

The fallout from all of them staying with you particularly now your children will be home more will be far wider reaching.

I sincerely hope you sat down with these two and discussed a leaving date and what was expected of you all before they moved in. There should have been a contract; I guess that never happened.

The extra shopping is not the only expense being incurred here; what about water, heating and lighting costs?.