Unexpected long term house guests

[UnexpectedHouseGuests]

This may be long and I have tried to anonymise and cut back to the basics, as it would be outing to anyone who knows me. Regular user, name changed to separate from previous posts....

I have a family member, their partner and their baby living with us. It was meant to be for about 8 weeks from just before the baby was born, until the baby was old enough to get a passport, then they were meant to be moving to another country.

For a variety of valid reasons, it ended up that they could not move overseas and have now been with us for nearly 4 months already. They were going to move to a UK rental in the next few weeks. But, with CV, it looks like their income is going to dry up, so they won't be able to afford it, even if they could go and look for a place.

So, they are here long term. I know this is the right thing to do, to give them stability and a roof over their heads etc, but I am struggling mentally. I had prepared myself for 4 months, knowing their projected 8 weeks was probably unrealistic, but an unlimited timeframe, with an increasing financial burden, as their income dries up...

I work full time in a permanently home based role and am not used to having lots of others around. I now have the three of them here all day every day, causing distraction and chaos. They are not tidy or organised people at the best of times, now with a baby they are worse. There is stuff EVERYWHERE. They change nappies on the kitchen table, while complaining about how unhygienic my pets are. Many little things about how they fail to look after my home are beginning to grate, as they become increasingly settled.

I have two school age children who will also be at home from Friday. DH is still having to go to work and will do for the foreseeable future, so I will be working and schooling, like many others.

They are helping with cooking for us all, but have very different tastes to my DC, so every meal has become a battleground.

I just feel emotionally exhausted by the whole thing. I don't know what I want from this thread other than to get it off my chest. And ask if anyone has any tips on how to cope with several more months of this.

Hont1986 it is overseas, within EU, but currently inaccessible. They don't have anywhere in the UK. Where they were living before was not suitable for having a baby, and moving here was meant to be an interim step before moving abroad.

There are no cultural differences, we are all British. DH is just better at handling conflict, having had much training in this area, and being a little further removed from the relationship. We are all of similar age.

Call a house meeting and tell them that the sitaton has changed and these are the new house rules... they can't really complain too much, they are dependent upon you!

I'd have lost my shit with these people and they'd have been out of my house long ago. I hope you one day learn to be more assertive for your kids' sake, too, as they are learning that letting people rip the piss out of you and not putting in boundaries around your property and personal self is okay behaviour.

Don't kid yourself they are helping in any way, they're damaging your property and costing you money. They're cooking for themselves just a bit more to appease you, but they don't give a toss about your kids, just themselves, hence all the bollocks about their 'tastes'.

I've seen this scenario play out over and over again. They won't leave. They'll always have an excuse. Before you know it, there will be a second baby and more excuses. On some level it works for the host, they get off on 'doing the right thing' by allowing the permanent parasites to continue to doss and effectively bully him/her in their own home. It only ends if the host has a spouse who gets so pissed off with it they find a backbone and show the leeches the door or walk out on the host.

And all the 'larger family' who get offended and fall out with the host for not putting up with the bullying wankers dossing, it's funny, they never offer to take on the CFers or provide alternatives. The host is effectively the kicked dog of the family.

They're CFers with no respect for you or your husband. Now your kids will be forced to put up with them, too. That's unfair on them, too.

Are there other family in UK who could take them in, you've done your share and need them to move on.

It is still not your DHs sole responsibility here though to speak to them.

Why are you so unassertive here when it comes to family members who are living with you rent free?. They are really freeloading off you and in turn your own family unit. Are you afraid of them and their reactions to you if you yourself say something?. They have taken you for being a mug here and they also need to take their share of responsibility for this situation arising as well.

So you're the step mum?

Anyway doesn't matter. They sound annoying
Just bloody tell them! no,not on the kitchen table. Put the fan on or you'll be paying for a new wall etc etx
just say it matter of factly, no need for arguments.
And keep tabs of the EU thing so you can book them their flight asap when it opens up!

Yes, set the rules.

They don't get to impose their grown-up tastes on your family. Family meals have to be suited to all members of the family.

They can get benefits, I bet they want to move out

We have an Aga, it is always on keeping the house warm, and no water meter. Lighting really doesn't cause an increase in bills, and our meter readings haven't gone up considering the time of year.

Putting a couple with a young baby out of the house in the middle of a pandemic would be unforgivable. My DC, apart from the mealtime issues, love having them here.

They will not be having any more children. It isn't even an option for them.

I am not the stepmum. There is no other family member to take them in. One has no parents and no siblings, other is NC with parents for very good reasons, but they are very elderly and at risk, even if contact was resumed.

I will absolutely be saying something, but it has been barely 2 hours since I posted, I want to discuss with DH, who won't be back until late. He completely supports that them being here is the right thing. I have had some of his family here for a similar duration in the past.

Gees, for your own mental health and your families, this needs to be addressed! They are getting a free ride at your own expense! Regardless of whether you are comfortable money wise, and the bills haven't gone up 'too much' they should be paying rent!!! Or at the very least, contributing to bills. 2 extra adults will certainly be adding to the bills! My OH would be livid if I was being mentally affected by family staying so long, yet you arent doing anything!

You said you wouldnt want to kick them out, BUT, the fact you have put a post on here means you are obviously upset and in need of help. What is THEIR plans? Are they planning on staying indefinitely? Have they even looked into a short term rental? If not, why not- BECAUSE you have made it very convenient and comfortable in YOUR home. Ground rules certainly need to be set. Its YOUR home, and their slobbish behaviour is unacceptable- nappy on the dining table

we are financially comfortable in general, so I don't feel the need to ask for cash off them

I get what you're saying, but would worry about the message it sends if you charge nothing - not to mention the possibility of them getting too comfortable

PPs are definitely right that you need a proper talk, though, and if you're really not going to accept money I'd make clear that a lot of what you expect is in return for that

You can set some ground rules, albeit a bit late in the day. For a start, changing the baby's nappy on the kitchen table is not on. Tell them you need some peace and personal space in order to do your work and to relax. If they moan about pets the answer is easy - they move out. They are guests in your house.

If your home is big enough, you could designate an area for them to sit and be in apart from their bedroom - I do hope that is possible.

Make a point of deciding what you are going to have to eat and say so, only accept their cooking if it is something you like.

You're a good soul to put up with it for so long but having guests long term, when there is no escape from them, is draining.

You are being very naive here OP.

There's a doormat for every pair of feet!

What country is their home in? There are plans for flights to bring home residents of France, for example, in the pipeline.
Are they not itching to get home? I can't think of anything worse than living with other people and relying on them, with a young baby. You all need to look into this asap.

Op you and your dh are very kind . To accommodate a couple and their new baby for four months is an amazing thing to do. And this unforeseen crisis makes things v difficult for everyone.

I think you need to call a family meeting. (Use the excuse of the children being at-home from Monday.) That's your opportunity to tell them that you have already been struggling with the noise, disruption and mess and now fear it will be even worse, unless some fundamentals changes are made. Could you frame it around the whole family having to pull together? That's an opportunity to lay down some rules such as airing ensuite, not changing baby on kitchen table etc, not criticising pets who are part of the family.

It's also an opportunity to open up a conversation about their future plans. Start by saying that this current situation may last well in to the summer and so they need to be thinking about different strategies. Ask them if they have any ideas about what they are going to to do now their situation has changed. Once the travel ban has been lifted, they are going to have to confront their new circumstances head on so it's as well that you don't take that responsibility away from them. Good luck op

OP, are you absolutely certain that they can’t return to their property?
Check the FCO’s travel advice or even call the helpline. There will be exceptions to the 30 day travel ban. That must include people who own properties overseas.

You are doing such a wonderful thing OP, you have been very generous and patient. I would have asked them to leave by now. Just so you know many students have up and left to go home and theres lots of available accommodation.

if I were to move into a family members house and impose on them much longer than my welcome, I would feel dreadful. I would financially contribute what I could, clean the house, keep out their way, and try my best to help them out.

It is very disappointing that your guests don't seem to have clicked on that that is their roll. You have to sit them down and tell them your realistic expectations of them. They owe you a massive favour so you can make your expectations reflect this. If they get offended remind them that you were trying to do them a massive favour to help them out, and its not their fault the CV struck but it is massively effecting your mental health with all this chaos in your home and these new rules will help you. They can help and do their part. I would ask them how they think they can help out more, hopefully they will suggest the following.

Firstly they can entertain your kids and offer free childcare and entertainment. You can set rules around certain rooms so you all get alone time to avoid killing each other. You can set chores for them to do, and of course it is totally unacceptable cleaning their babies nappy on the kitchen table and leaving toys everywhere.

These boundaries will probably make everyone happier. If they're not happy with it then politely show them the door, you have done enough.

Swearing at posters is against Talk Guidelines, OP. It's as complicated as you make it. You admit yourself you need to get your DH to handle it because you can't. So carry on subbing them and letting them freeload off you they will be going nowhere. Just because it's not something you don't want to hear doesn't mean it's neither truthful or constructive. They are having you on and taking the piss because you allow it.

Always amusing how OPs get abusive to people who point out the truth to them but allow people to utterly rip the piss out of them in their own home. Nowt to do with the pandemic, they were supposed to be there 8 weeks and have been there now 4 months, that's before we'd ever heard of coronavirus. They'll always have an excuse. Why wouldn't they? Living rent and bill free, using hte facilities exactly as you please, bitching about it and disrespecting it changing the baby's nappy on the kitchen table and not ventilating the space, they'll ride that train as long as they can.

I'd swear if a perfectly sensible OP of mine got a stream of really unpleasant response like yours, @MauriceandAlec

You know nothing about these people, yet you're sounding off as if they're the worst people in the world. If OP was being a doormat, she wouldn't be posting for help sorting it, for starters. She loves these people. She just needs some advice, not to be pulled apart by you.

Swearing at posters is against Talk Guidelines, sara those are the rules. She's been given advice. They're freeloading and will continue to do so. That's the truth, however you construe it.

I have seen a similar situation to OPs play out and he is still living there rent free all those years later.

OPs kindness at taking them in to start with is being taken advantage of. The original agreement was for them to stay 8 weeks and now they've been there 4 months and counting. Mealtimes are a battleground because of their different tastes.

This could well lead to completely fractured and unrepairable family relationships going forward if this is not sorted out by the OP now; she cannot and actually should not just ask her DH to speak to them because of her discomfort of having to do so.

Love is one thing but respect is quite another. These people seemingly have no respect at all for OP and her hospitality. They have taken her kindness and trampled all over it.