Seeing him in a different light. Should I be worried?

[lefreakcestchique]

Recently my husband had a falling out with my mum. He was in an awful mood for days and kept trying to provoke an argument with me. This culminated in a row when my mum happened to be there. My son (2) was crying because his dad dad changed his routine, then changed it again and my mum stepped in at seeing him and me distressed.

DH accepts he caused, started and escalated the row but says as it happened in our house DM should apologise to him. Hell will freeze over before DM apologises to him even though she accepts she should have held her tongue as the dispute was between me and DH.

Now DH is refusing to pick up or drop off DS with my mum. I don't drive, neither does she. So essentially he is cutting off any respite for me (I also have a 1yr old) and creating a barrier to mine and the kids relationship with my mum.

In thinking about this I've also realised he has ended my friendship with my best friend of 20 years and closed down relationships with 2 other close friends of mine. All of these failings out occurring after he's treated me appallingly and they have told him his behaviour is out of order.

I'm starting to wonder that there is more at play here but I'm struggling to see the wood from the trees. Please help me gain some clarity here.

Please.

Well done for noticing a pattern to his behaviour. When you think back, has this started to occur either just after you were married or fell pregnant? This is a common time for abusers to start showing their true colours, as in their minds you are now trapped.

For what, specifically, has he said your mum should apologise? Daring to question his god-given right to treat you like crap? Criticizing King Shit of Turd Hill?

It seems like he's trying to keep you isolated. It's a pattern of behaviour. Can you speak to your mum about it?

It looks like he is trying to isolate you, have all these fallings out been over or short time period?

Also seems your friends and family are trying to tell you that your husband is awful. You probably need to listen to that.

Perhaps you could reconnect with the friends he’s driven away?

He shouldn't have been treating you appallingly any way. Seems deliberately done in front of others as he knew they'd step in and he'd have a 'legitimate' reason to be angry with them for 'interferring'.

Yes, he's isolating you. Can you learn to drive so you aren't relying on him? What would his response be to you asking that?

This has happened over the past 5.5 years. Mum being the most recent.

I don't see myself as being in an abusive relationship but it can't be coincidental that he has a problem with people that I have a close relationship.

Sorry if it appears I'm dripfeeeding but I wondered if it was relevant... DM has been a functioning alcoholic for many years, longer than I've known him. She has been in recovery and is just about to celebrate her 1st "birthday" she has been making huge changes to her life and cutting out toxic people from her life. Now she is sober she sees things through different eyes and is less likely to let people get away with shitty behaviour that she would have ignored before. It seems bizarre to me that of the arguments DH and DM have had in the past, this time is the time he wants to cut her out.

Is this meaningful?

Now she is sober she sees things through different eyes and is less likely to let people get away with shitty behaviour that she would have ignored before.

You’ve answered your own question. He gets rid of anyone who might challenge his domination over you.

(Well done you your DM though!)

Do you have to apologise to him everytime you argue?

I too was gradually isolated from friends and family. I didn't realise it at the time. Then the behaviour escalated.

PLEASE learn to drive. If you're nervous about driving, learn in an automatic. It's important that you are able to get out and about under your own steam.

If your DH puts up any barriers towards you learning to drive, then you'll know for sure that he's a controller. (He sounds like one anyway.)

Look into the Freedom Programme and see if you recognise any of the behaviours it talks about.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I think its hugely relevant about your mum.

Also DH accepts he caused, started and escalated the row

What is he hoping, that due to the stress of the row he caused, that hopefully she will slink away, hit the bottle and drink herself into a depressed hole, & never contact you again?

Is he rubbing his hands in hope.

Lets hope she stays strong and truly manages her '1st birthday' I really mean that.

Would you consider a future at your mums?

I definitely need to extend my independence. I will be learning to drive soon. He's encouraging of that actually.

I've spent the last 3 years pregnant/breastfeeding and pretty much at home with the kids. I need to claw back some semblance of my own life I think. I've gone from being self sufficient and extremely independent to being fairly codependent.

He's quite selfish by nature and believe me I do pull him up on it. He's never been physically aggressive towards me, ever. He can be emotionally manipulative though and I've definitely stepped into a "fixer/healer" role for him and all his troubles (of which there have been too many to count.

I feel like I'm being alerted to something but I'm not sure what it is. I feel blind.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I'm sorry. It's like something has woken up in me but I don't know what.

There is a free download (you can google for) of a book called "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I would suggest that you have a look at it and see if it resonates with you at all.

I think that you should leave him until he accepts that he cannot behave like this (if he ever can). At best he is a selfish man who is training you to do his bidding at all times and isolating you from anyone who can help you. Please remember that your children will recreate the patterns in their life they experience with you in their childhood. The situation that you have found yourself in is very unhealthy for all of you.

I think people are telling you what? That you have realised that he has, deliberately or not, isolated you from those people you are closest too, and not coincidentally, those telling you that his treatment of you is not OK.
You are seeing that this is controlling and selfish behaviour. As you have already said, you need urgently to regain independence so that you feel in a strong position to challenge this and deal with the possible consequences, which include splitting.

He's caused this falling out on purpose to breakdown the relationship between you and your mum

He's already broken down the relationship with your best friend

He's slowly removing all of your support structure

He's had you pregnant and tied to the babies and house for over 3 years

He's abusing you op

I'd suggest you take all the important paperwork and the dc and go and stay with your mum

You need to think, did he love bomb you, did he pressure you into living together and getting married too soon, this is what abusers do to get control over you.

Oh god. It's as if the scales are falling from my eyes.

When we met I was long term single mum. Happy at that. Not looking to meet anyone, we met entirely by chance. He was so loving and romantic. I resisted and we lived 60m apart for over a year. He didn't meet my kids for 10m and only then because they asked to (they are older kids) I thought we took it very slowly. I thought I'd done everything right.

He proposed and started planning a wedding soon after (him not me) I thought it was because he'd never married and was excited. I was divorced.

After an incident where he upset me deeply, I ended it and cancelled the wedding. Found out soon after I was pregnant unexpectedly. He begged forgiveness, I was reluctant. Reconciliation towards the end of pregnancy after him seeking help and sticking to it for 6m. Married at 37w in a quick and quiet ceremony.

How bad is this? Is it low level abuse? Is it salvageable?

Staying with my mum is not an option unfortunately. We are safe and house is rented in my sole name after his past stupid behaviour made me want some security if he fucked up again.

I could go it alone. I'm not afraid of it, but is it worth breaking up my family for or is there a future for us?

Its already broken because you're married to an abusive man, you can't fix it just see how much of this you want to tolerate.

There is nothing you can do that will make a manipulative person become non-manipulative. No, I don't believe this is low-level - I believe that it is abuse that will slowly but surely suck the life out of you over time.

Funny that now you can actually depend on your mum, he sudden tries to isolate you from her! Coincidence? Or is he now threaten that she can now be supportive of you. That he fears she can now see how toxic he is?

Perhaps he was happier with your mum as the villain and unable to give you much real support. Now that her eyes are wide open, he needs to get her out of the way.

Obviously at the moment we're in difficult times, but if I were you I would start to make plans to have a life without him.

If he was acknowledging his issues, and trying to rectify them in a balanced way, then I’d consider approaching this hand in hand. However, his behaviour issues have been there from the start. Using a child as a pawn? Unacceptable. Isolating you from your mum, unacceptable. Sulking for days unacceptable. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s not getting better, he’s getting worse.

Why would you want to salvage a relationship with someone who is making your life so much worse?
Get whatever help you need and end it.
Reclaim your friends and your mum.

You're all right. He's always been this way and I've been so invested in helping him, I've lost myself.

It's odd because day today, he's brilliant. Charming and funny, good with the kids, does his share. Then these awful occasional outbursts that undo everything.

He once asked me why I get so upset when (I'm his words "I've only done that twice in 4 years. I used to do that to my ex most weekends. I'm much better with you!"

He genuinely didn't see that doing it at all
Was unacceptable. (Disappearing for a night and showing up at 6/7am out of it) he said that at least he came home in the morning instead of going awol for days at a time!

He's a grade A wanker. Boot his arse out.

On a practical note, have you checked out the entitledto website, the child support calculator page on the government website, have you photographed copies of all important financial documents etc?

And have you considered reading Why Does He Do That which is available as a free PDF online?