DM’s hoarding is affecting our relationship

[starrysimon]

My DM has always had a problem with hoarding but I never realised how bad it was until I became an adult. She always had wardrobes and suitcases full of clothes that no longer fit her or she’d never wear again. She would constantly buy new clothes, toiletries, accessories etc even though she already had an abundance of them all. She would also ground me as a child/teenager for throwing my own things away. She still is overbearing about me tipping things even though I’m in my own home. Her favourite phrase is ‘it’ll come in’. So infuriating

When she moved in with her new partner to a bigger house it just got worse. It’s a new build Terrace with a large garage, built in wardrobes, loft and cupboard storage space. The garage is completely full of her things, as is the loft, built in wardrobe and all other storage space. She even has a large double wardrobe in the room she made DD’s bedroom. Her partner has small set of drawers to store his clothes. The garage is full of DM’s furniture, my furniture that she refused to get rid of, my things from childhood and various bits she kept (stole) from when DD was a baby.

Her personal hoarding doesn’t affect me anymore as I don’t live around it but she’s been annoying me for years stealing my DD’s things when she has had her over at her house. For example, she has somehow managed to gain 70% of my DD’s baby clothes from 0-12 months and has refused to return them until now that I am pregnant again. DD would only stay over once a week maximum so it’s insane how much she managed to squirrel away. This wasn’t a demand of mine, DM wanted DD overnight so I let her as I’m the only child and DD the only grandchild. She still hasn’t actually given the clothes back. She has apparently packed them up ready but I doubt I’ll ever see them. It got so bad that I’d have to send DD in her worst clothes in order not to lose the nice expensive ones.

It’s been happening again recently and is just getting beyond a joke now. I’ve tried asking politely but it doesn’t work. I don’t want to have to get stern with her just to get my DD’s stuff back. As well as clothes, she’s also stolen a lot of DD’s toys and books so that her house looks like a playgroup and mine is practically empty. DD is 4yo so I spend a lot of money on clothes from H&M, Debenhams etc. that don’t look babyish as I think she’s outgrown all the unicorn and kitten garish clothing you get at other places. Plus it’s just how I want to dress her. DM actually physically stole them from my home when I wasn’t paying attention. When confronted her response was ‘well it’s so she’s got something nice to wear at mine’. She also constantly send’s DD home after her few hours there in awfully tatty, secondhand clothes when I sent her in nice new ones. She stole baby bibs and muslins that my DGM bought me and gifted to me at my home. DM sniped the gift bag when I wasn’t paying attention.

She also constantly goes on about and sends me photos of what she’s bought for the new baby but never actually gives it to me. I haven’t asked for any of it and don’t expect it but it’s going to be going to waste as I will not be letting the same happen with DD2. She will not be having contact with her unless I’m present so she cannot steak things. She bought us a new pram system out of the blue which was very thoughtful of her but she’s only given us the carrycot bit and nothing else. She’s keeping the car seat because ‘she will be getting us from the hospital so we don’t need it’. This hasn’t even been agreed. Also keeping the rest as we ‘can’t possibly have the space’. We will probably never see the rest of the system which I’m okay with as we didn’t ask for it and am still grateful that she bought it in the first place.

I think it must be a psychological issue as it’s obviously not right to be stealing from your own child and grandchildren. Admittedly she doesn’t really have much of a life, although it is a nice one full of luxuries she doesn’t have any friends. Spends all her time at work or at home with family. I don’t remember the last time she went out and had some fun for herself.

How do I fix this without having to forcibly remove my things from her home and putting locks on doors/CCTV in my own home? I’d rather it stay amicable and not get out of hand. She definitely needs help but I’m not sure she would accept it. Her partner is being incredibly irresponsible by enabling her also!

Bloody hell, she's hard work.

OP, I’m sorry to say it, but there is no way this can be dealt with 100% amicably.

Instead of going through torturous tiny steps, I would go to her house and demand the items back that you need, and then say you will not be in touch with her until you get a full acknowledgment and apology.

And then your next contact is dependent on being able to have your eye in her at all times so she doesn’t steal anything else.

Tbh if someone wants to hoard, I’m not sure how much I’d want to interfere. It’s their choice. But stealing from you is not something you have to forgive.

Btw is it possible she sold the nice clothes?

She compulsively steals and hoards OP. I can only suggest that you allow her supervised contact only in a place like a park for a few hours, so she can't steal things. Tell her that once you have your daughter's things back, you may consider different plans.

I understand that I may be partly to blame for allowing her to have contact with DD at her house without me present. Even though it was only a few hours a week with the odd overnight stay she has gained a heightened sense of control. I was just trying to make her happy and DD has a good relationship with her but I now realise that I made a huge mistake.

It’s got much worse since another baby is on the way. I expressed my concern that I can’t find any infant milk or nappies so she bought some but not for me, ‘for her house’. I’m due in a few weeks. I won’t be allowing contact without myself present with DD2 so anything she has bought will be wasted and I presume it’s quite a lot. All she has given me for the baby is a tiny, travel size tub of Sudocrem when she’s spent at least £1000 so far. I know full well she’ll have a cot/Moses basket there ready with all the trimmings etc.

I’m not bothered about not recieivimg things she’s bought but it shows that she doesn’t actually care about me. She just derives some sort of pleasure from buying and having all of these things. It’s upset me a lot as she doesn’t even consider how much money I’ve spend on DD over the years and how much money I’ve then had to spend on replacing her things that DM stole. DM is way better off financially than we are.

She keeps most things in the garage and I don’t know where the keys are. I’ve seen them briefly when I was sat in the car as OH was loading in the bits of the new pram she would part with. The garage is mostly piled high with stuff from when DD was a baby, like her steriliser, perfect prep machine, baby bath, feeding pillow etc. Things that she’s been able to squirrel away when she’s had them for contact at her house. She also locks all the rooms in the house which is obviously so I can’t retrieve things but it’s ‘for security’ when I confront her about it. I know things are going to come to ahead when DD2 is born and it’s not going to be very nice!

OP please don’t blame yourself for any of this. The locking things away makes me think even more that’s she’s selling stuff.

I don’t know if it’s better to have this conversation before the baby comes? Or could you send a letter?

Ultimately, the “why” doesn’t matter, the issue is protecting yourself from this toxic behaviour.

You are doing the right thing. You will not control her behaviour on this, so don't try. Look to ways to protect yourself and your family from it.

I'd tell her the "rules", if you can. It will perhaps make her reflect on her behaviour.

• no unsupervised contact with either child
• informal contact only in public spaces like parks or day trips
• if contact at home, be very formal about it. Tell her that a condition of the visit is that you look through her bag before leaving. Be clear she will not be permitted to take anything and be very open and clear that this will be a formal requirement of her visit and not negotiable.

As to what she buys, don't take anything and ignore it all.

Does she do 'normal' things like play with DD, read to her because this sounds such an obsession that everything else is allowed to slide.

I would be a bit worried about letting DD go there.

This sounds tough and l agree it’s a mental health issue. I don’t think it’s stealing in the conventional sense. But l think it’s a tool to justify / explain buying stuff e.g. “the baby needs it”, “lm helping” etc. What does her partner say about all of this?

Personally l turn up in person and demand DD’s stuff that you purchased. Including the stuff you want to pass onto the new baby. That’s very unreasonable of her. But lm guessing her insight is poor and would say you were the bad guy.

She's obviously doing it to control you. Just don't give her the opportunity to take anything else. Is her house safe for a young child? It could be hazardous as how is she able to clean if that place is full of stuff and there may be piles of things that could harm a young child.

I would give up the items as lost and just don't give her another opportunity to take things from you. Like I said, there may be health and safety issues as well. It's not safe.

She sounds like she has serious mh issues tbh.

I doubt there is much you can do other than limit her contact with your dd on her own. Personally I would take a big bin bag, go over to her house and load everything that belonged to me/dd into the bag and ignore her protests. No way would dd be spending time again with her on her own. And frankly, I'd frisk her when she left my house.

Give up on any gifts etc. she has some deep-seated controlissues which make it impossible for her to hand anything over.

The garage is mostly piled high with stuff from when DD was a baby, like her steriliser, perfect prep machine, baby bath, feeding pillow etc.

This is outrageous. Those things cost money. I'd go off my head if I had to buy them again because my mother decided to take them and hoard them.

Could you talk to her partner and ask for access to the garage? Could you create a showdown where you tell her that she hands over YOUR belongings or she doesn't see the new baby at all. Would she respond to you husband better? Does she have a sister or brother she might listen to?

Spends all her time at work or at home with family.

Go when she is at work, using her partner's key, and take back the items that you paid for.

Leave all "gifts". They were never really gifts for you anyway, she bought them for herself. But if you paid for it, fetch it while she's not there. And feel no guilt about it.

I would straight up tell her she won't get any time whatsoever with DD and the new baby, supervised or unsupervised, until she returns the clothing etc she stole from you. It's ridiculous for you to have to buy so much stuff to replenish what she took. Then if you get the items back I think you're very reasonable to ensure she only sees them with you present. What kind of support network do you have other than DM?

This is not your fault, it is a mental health issue. Nothing you can do about it. The only thing to do imo, is to tell her that until she admits to having a problem and access therapy (I think cbt is for hoarding?) she will not be left unsupervised with your dd or at your home at all.

The compulsions she is feeling are strong and won't be mended by a chat. She needs professional help.

Still i feel sorry that you have this problem, best of luck.

Is she going to keep DD, too?
Get her DH on board and take it all back some time when she is out
Or go to police
Or get solicitor's letter
Or small claims court
She's bonkers, and this will not end calmly.

I'd send her a list of the things you need. That you'll be round at xoclock.

If she can't follow through then I'd just not reply.

She is bleeding you dry

Yabu to sit and let her keep your stuff!! Her mh shouldn't affect your bank balance!
Tell her before she sees dd again you need a key and you need your stuff back.
And bloody mean it.

It might nit be mental health, depending on how you define that.

This might be her chosen behaviour, whether as manipulation or weird thrill, who knows.

That’s why I’d avoid trying to fix her and focus on removing yourself from the situation.

In my late father’s last two years, he was not diagnosed, and behaved badly at my place a couple of times. I ordered him out and told him not to return till he could behave.

There’s no other adult I’d tolerate having tantrums in my home, a parent is no different. To this day, I hope his behaviour can be linked to illness...

What has happened in your DM life? This type of behaviour is often related to unresolved loss / grief / trauma.

This might explain it but doesn’t excuse it.

It is a MH issue. And YOU can’t fix it. That is up to her to address. Which she never will if there are no consequences.

You need to give her an instruction, with a deadline AND a consequence. And stick to it.

Would her dp help you get your things back. Stress you don't want anything she'll 'give as a present ' (no chance of that) but you shouldn't have to replace your own stuff.

And I'd be making it extra clear that if anything goes missing from your house you'll be going round to get it as it's theft. And mean it!

By not getting your (stolen) items back, you are enabling

Ask her partner for the keys and go and get the stuff, or he can get it. Your mum is being totally unreasonable and I would have lost it by now, stealing your child’s stuff!! How have you stayed so calm