When does the H leave when having an affair?

[Devoilmum]

Strongly suspect DH is having an affair, no solid proof.
He won’t admit it. Even with evidence, I think he’d deny. I’ve suggested splitting several times over the past few years as we’ve had our struggles- he never wants to, hates that I suggest it.
But why? OW is single, no kids.
What’s he waiting for? Surely the OW must be dreaming and hoping for this, so why doesn’t he take the out?

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule for how any man in particular behaves. I think this is where you have to take matters into your own hands and kick him out?!

I think the question is why don’t you?

Personally l would tell him to go, rather than letting him decide. You don’t seem happy or feel you can trust him

When he gets caught

He wants his cake and eat it. Her lives in the same house as his children, looks like a respectable family man, doesn't have to pay any kind of maintenance or the hassle of splitting assets, has the "fun" of an illicit relationship, doesn't have to commit to other woman who is essentially an unknown in terms of living together.

Sorry to hear, OP.

Just kick him out. You don’t want to be with him anymore so take charge and stop waiting for him to do something.

Can you really 'kick him out.' I presume he owns half the house?

A couple I work with had a very brief affair, two or three weeks, before they each told their partner and made a go of it. They’d both been unhappy in their relationships for a while (I know the woman had as she’d told me several times she wanted to leave her partner etc, not so sure about the man). It was quite odd to see them leave longer relationships for this very new one, they’d hardly even spent any time together. She told me that she knew she’d be happier alone even if the new thing didn’t work. They both then left my work about two years ago, as management didn’t want a couple on the team and she got a job in London, he followed. They’re married now with 1DC.
I don’t know how common that is.

It obvious from the op that you have no influence let alone control over what your husband does or will do.

But you can make your own decisions, ones you don’t need his agreement or compliance for.

If you believe he is unfaithful and a liar, then accept that. You don’t need him to admit it or give permission to have your own belief.

If you want a divorce start proceedings. You can use unreasonable behaviour. He can refute that but he will know your intent. Otherwise you formerly separate and wait the 2 years

As a pp points out, he is entitled to live in his home until the divorce settles ownership or the sale of the property. Your choice here is to endure it, move out ( not recommended but an option), or, to seek an occupation order.

In reality not many couples can run two homes. This is what happens when he moves out. Dealing with the financial consequences of a split cannot be overlooked in the anger of your situation.

OP, he may have no intention of leaving. He may just want to fuck other people and have his home life remain the same. An affair doesn't mean he is planning to leave.

The question really is, what are you planning to do?

Why do you even assume that the OW wants him 'full time', OP?

It's not up to him; this is up to you - if you want to end your marriage then you don't need anybody's permission to do that. The trust is gone.

He wants all his home comforts while still having that extra bit of fun . Most men are lazy and stay at home in those situations if they can.

Some don't. Some woman don't want a man full time. They get all the good bits and none of the dirty knickers and socks.

You'll have to take matters into your own hands I think.

Well I certainly can’t afford to run the home alone and we would also struggle alone. I would never do it, my kids are my world, but I bet she’d run a mile at the thought of an instant family with 3 pre teen plus an assortment of pets! And if she does run a mile, it was all for nothing.

So what do you want OP? If he leaves you you'll be in that situation anyway. It would be far better to take control and make it happen and you would be able to cope like other people.

if she does run a mile, it was all for nothing.

No. he'll have got laid and had all the excitement of the affair. He can then look for another affair partner. Not sure why you're quite so fixed on the notion that he must be looking to leave you.

What do you mean, 'it was all for nothing'? Were you willing to 'give him up' if he would have wanted out? You say that neither of you could afford to go it alone so your options were limited, weren't they? You 'never would' and he won't be faithful to you.

If it were me in this situation, I'd be looking into every possible option to separate because the idea of a husband drifting in and out of our marriage - and showing our children that this is ok - would be something I couldn't stomach.

I think you are misunderstanding why he might be having this affair. More than likely he is enjoying the excitement, sex with someone new, flirting, being a different person. Neither of them probably want to start a new life of dull routine and maintenance sex with kids around half the time.
You could try it yourself - open up the marriage (he won't like it)

He is benefitting from both - that's the short answer.

When I discovered my exH was even making advances towards another woman, I called time on our marriage. There were obviously other issues and it was the final straw, but there usually is if it has got to that point, IMO.

He never would have left: he just wanted to have all the good parts of marriage plus the advantages of leading a single life/a casual relationship. He quickly found his life was a lot worse without me in it than mine was without him.

How will you manage is he decides to leave?

Are you really willing to share your husband with another woman? Do you think he’s sleeping with you both?

People manage when they split all the time OP. However tough things look it’s got to be better than living like this. It’s not a great for your children either.

The question you have to ask yourself is why are you sitting around waiting for him to decide and agonising about his motivations. This doesn’t make sense. Why don’t you have any control over your own life/decisions? You suspect your DH of cheating. The normal reaction surely is to say the marriage is over and file for divorce? Wouldn’t you feel happier doing something about this? At the moment you know he’s mucking around with somebody else. Why are you happy to put up with that? What do you think will happen if you call him on this? He’s cheating! Stand up to him. You absolutely can manage without him. Have you looked into the financial aspect of it all

But why? OW is single, no kids.
What’s he waiting for? Surely the OW must be dreaming and hoping for this, so why doesn’t he take the out?

Sorry OP but it's laughable that some women think like this, that the OW "dreams & hopes for their man" as if that's all they're having the affair for. Some are just in it for the same reason as men are be it excitement/thrill/no strings and they're not all after someone else's husband to move in!

The question is, why don't YOU get out of this relationship? You can't trust him and this is not good for you or your children.

OW probably doesn’t want any ties or doesn’t want the day-to-day reality of being a wife. The arrangement obviously suits her as much as it suits him. They won’t stop until one of them chooses to. You don’t have to stay in the marriage, meanwhile, unless the arrangement suits you too.

Why ould he leave whilst you are happy for him to be there.
I'd just pack his things into a bin bag and chuck them outside, better still dump them on her doorstep, dirty kecks and all.

I think I understand why you're posting the way you are, OP. It would validate your position as wife, which you perceive as superior. The OW can't have that position as it's taken (by you) but it salves your feelings to hold the position that some other woman would like to have.

Posters telling you that the OW probably doesn't want the position, is not want you want to hear as it gives you the realisation of your life with him of all the not-so-nice bits whilst she, without legal right, gets all the good bits.

If you are thinking that way, try not to because it will prolong the hurt. What would give you your self-esteem back would be to bring the relationship onto your terms now - you decide what will happen and then make it happen. He is not the boss of you and he sounds contemptuous. You'd be better off without him and so, in the long run, would your children.

I have very much sympathy for you, it's a sad situation indeed.