When does the H leave when having an affair?

[Devoilmum]

Strongly suspect DH is having an affair, no solid proof.
He won’t admit it. Even with evidence, I think he’d deny. I’ve suggested splitting several times over the past few years as we’ve had our struggles- he never wants to, hates that I suggest it.
But why? OW is single, no kids.
What’s he waiting for? Surely the OW must be dreaming and hoping for this, so why doesn’t he take the out?

Why would he stop. He doesn’t want to be away from his children, his nice house. He doesn’t want to pack up all his stuff move out into the unknown. Even if he can’t bare being around you, presumably you don’t spend 24 hours together so people think it’s nice to have someone to watch tv with and talk about the kids without it being bitter and angry.
Why on Earth would he give up all of that and with the OW hanging around telling her he loves her and he’s trapped.

These men take both the women for a mug. I mean it just wouldn’t happen in any other circumstance

@Devoilmum you are looking at it in the context of your values.

For him: what's not to like?

The benefits of monogamy (laundry, housekeeping, childcare, administration, habit, no financial consequences)

AND

new exciting ***, the rush of forbidden sex and lots of lovely attention and flattery.

And he is getting all of this through deceiving you. Why change anything?

You're a safety net for him. You're what he knows, and you know him warts and all.
He has routine, even if that can sometimes be boring, it's also essential.

If you let him, this will go on indefinitely

And usually the OW realises it’s all bullshit and gives up. Goes and finds a normal stable relationship to be in. Whilst your left with the consolation prize.

thanks for all the replies.

I know that he won’t leave, I think the dcs keep him here. And of course the fact that life is easy. Of course the sneaking around is exciting, far more exciting than putting the bins out and washing up!

This work from home is going to scupper their little meet ups- I’m usually safely installed in my office but doesn’t look like I will be for much longer. He sees her at work so I suspect the whole of his office know about it. And they won’t be working from home but may get laid off.

I need some time to get myself together and sorted. I need this to have as little effect on the dcs as possible. They’re not aware of anything, there’s no arguing at home.

I need to get some control over my anxiety and get myself into a strong place.

I’m sorry it’s an awful time to be going through something like this.
Many people stay after affairs. But rarely do I think it’s for the right reason in my opinion.

Get yourself a bit of 'excitement!' he'll leave then! But of course she won't want him once he's single....she'll probably go after someone else's husband and he'll be left feeling sorry himself.

Seriously though, get yourself a good solicitor and get whatever you can.

Why would he want to leave?

You're married so he'll lose half his financial assets: half the house, pension etc He'll have to pay for a separate home and pay child maintenance. If he doesn't and gets 50/50, he needs a house big enough to accommodate the children, and he'll have to pull his finger out and actually take care of them.

At the moment he has someone washing his clothes, cooking, keeping the house clean, looking after his children, doing all the admin work and having sex with him. He also has a young (?) woman who is chasing after him and wants to have sex with him. He gets the home comforts and the infatuation of a new lover.

Win win!

That's why he doesn't leave.

There is, of course, a chance that this is all in your head. You mentioned your anxiety and the fact that you have no proof.
Yet you talk of it as if you know for sure.

There are at threads on here by spouses unfairly accused, and how their partners are just convinced they are cheating, and won’t listen to any reason. It leads to destruction of the relationship....

I don’t know you. And you may be right or wrong about it. The fact that you don’t seem to have any doubts in the total absence of evidence is a little odd

OP of course it is going to impact the children. He is fucking over your family. You are going to get yourself together and leave him... or I hope for your sake he moves onto another OW who does give him an ultimatum he takes so you are free of him one day.

@MMmomDD - he’s covering his tracks carefully and I realise it could be in my head but, it’s not. He fell asleep with his phone open and OW had sent messages to say ‘love you too, sleep well’. No thread of messages - all deleted. No other messages or contacts on the app. I was worried and shaking too much, didn’t get a screen shot but I know what I saw. And there’ll be other chances, I’m sure as I need to get myself sorted.

There was talk of a works night out at the weekend, but not been mentioned in a while and the question with no reason, so you’ll probably be working from home Thursday? (his day off - rolling shift pattern)

He has turned to her for affection as I’ve struggled for some time. Menopause in late 30s, redundancy and generally being pretty exhausted.

She’s probably about 5 years younger than him, lives in a shared house. He used to talk about her all the time which aroused my suspicions initially- now he actively avoids mentioning her!

I read my exh's emails. One of the things that he told his OW was that the thing he was most afraid of was "ending up alone" (as if that is something you can control...). In any case I think that was the main issue: he didn't want to leave until he was sure that OW would stay with him; but at the same time, the fact that they were both married and having an affair showed that even if they got together, it might not last. It felt safer with me. And as you say, divorcing is expensive and complicated and horribly dull, unlike an affair.

Towards the end I asked him if he wanted to leave and he said yes. Then a minute later he changed his mind. I was the one who had to tell him to leave - and even then he hung about as long as he could in the house, claiming he couldn't find a nice enough flat. It was only when I read his emails and stopped leaving him to his own devices at home - sat next to him on the settee talking about his affair - that suddenly he found a flat.

Op - what do you want to do?
You said you can’t afford to separate. Or you don’t want to, give them the kids and upheaval.
He is unlikely to leave. An OW who lives in a shared accommodation isn’t really much of a chance at a new life for him anyway.
With that setup - their ‘affair’ maybe more of a fantasy anyway - as unclear where they’d have a chance to actually do anything. Unlikely he is spending money on hotels.

But back to the question - what would you like to happen?

I think it’s mostly based on flirting and exchanging messages with some stolen moments added in when they can. I don’t think it’s often but I suspect it’s been going on for close to a year.
He has looked to her for the intimacy that’s been missing from our relationship but it’s a vicious circle as I don’t trust him. How could I trust him again.

But I need to ply along for now, get my ducks lined up and myself strong. I’m fearful of doing too much now as my dm has terminal cancer and I can’t cope with that and breaking up at the same time. She will be heartbroken for me and I just can’t let her die knowing how badly he’s let us all down. That’s what I fear the most. She has often told me that she can die happy, knowing I’m settled and secure.

I hate to say it. But your mum is only saying that because she thinks you’re settled and secure. If your child was in your situation you would prefer that you could be there a little at least rather than them hold it all in and not tell you.
That’s my opinion anyway.

Obviously that’s depending on how long she has left to live.

She lives in a shared house? He won't leave you voluntarily.

If she gets her own place and you are pissed off with him then he'll be off for an easy life.

Yes, get those ducks in a row, ready to boot him when it suits you best.

You don't need his permission to divorce him

Makes sense.
And it does sound like a vicious circle - living without intimacy isn’t sustainable for anyone. Eventually something happens.
Now this imposed proximity to whoever we live with we are all about to undergo for 3mo+ will be interesting testing times.
Who knows - it may lead to some resolving their issues; and many to accelerating the natural progression to the end

If she lives in a shared house, then he doesn’t have a house to go to. Also, as others have said, she may not want a live-in partner.

Got yourself organised and take control of the situation.

OP considering your issues and he hasn't been having any intimacy, can't you forgive it?

I do think there are grades of this stuff. Is he nice to you in other ways?

I would have forgiven - but the reason for his betrayal (temper tantrum at getting old), the length of the betrayal, the completeness of the betrayal (he was faithful TO HER) and his utter cruelty to me, made it unforgivable.

He was absolutely not deprived in any way, his was a complete ego thing. Your husband has kind of been neglected ...

Divorce doesn't solve a lot, it pushes women into poverty and I wouldn't do it unless absolutely necessary tbh.

@staringatonewall - I know that my dm would prefer me to be honest but she is a shell of what she was and is wracked with anxiety- this would totally destroy her and I can’t do it. We don’t have a timeframe - likely less than a year maybe. She is frail and with all going on in the world I may not see her again as she lives a long way away.

@ScreamingLadySutch - he is lovely in other ways, doesn’t raise his voice, remains kind, pulls his weight around the house. We’ve just lost our way. He doesn’t go out, doesn’t drink, doesn’t gamble. I get that he has needs, I know that I’ve not helped this situation but can we come back from it? I’m not sure. Would I trust that he wouldn’t do it again?

Yes, you can. Especially as it has been going on for such a short time.

Especially as you list his good values.

Especially as you admit your part to play. That is very brave and sensible OP.
Are you under a GP, are you on HRT? Apparently it sends your libido through the roof.

There is this really silly myth about HRT, people suffer unnecessarily (that is a comment from my GP by the way, not sucked out of my thumb). The risks are tiny but have been made out to be greater than the benefits.

Don't rush into divorce. My ex is an absolutely unmitigated prick and I STILL regret getting divorced. Not on romantic grounds, but because he was honourable in some ways and wholly practical legal and $$$ grounds.

@ScreamingLadySutch

I’ve been on hrt for a few years now and it’s had no effect on raising my libido at all. It took about 3 years for them to actually acknowledge that I was peri-menopausal as I was in my late 30s/ early 40s.
I partly put my anxiety down to the hrt as well possibly, although I think some is work related and everything else that’s going on.

I know that he would be a hard act to follow- if only he didn’t cheat. Otherwise, he’s pretty good catch.

I would have thought the point about someone being a good catch is that they love and respect you.
If no one in this relationship could talk honestly and openly about it. Then how’s it going to work out in the future? You just hope it’s ok. And because he’s a “good catch” you should stay