When does the H leave when having an affair?

[Devoilmum]

Strongly suspect DH is having an affair, no solid proof.
He won’t admit it. Even with evidence, I think he’d deny. I’ve suggested splitting several times over the past few years as we’ve had our struggles- he never wants to, hates that I suggest it.
But why? OW is single, no kids.
What’s he waiting for? Surely the OW must be dreaming and hoping for this, so why doesn’t he take the out?

If the sex and affection are gone, maybe you would both be happier separating on amicable terms to co-parent.

The talking-about-someone-all-the-time-then-suddenly-stopping turned out to be bang on the money when my husband was having an affair. My heart goes out to you, makes me feel sick to think about it still. Like you, I could see some of the problems in our marriage were down to me, but that didn’t excuse his behaviour. Even if they’re not actually having an affair, a married man shouldn’t be exchanging those kind of texts in secret with another woman. Did you tell him you saw it, and what did he say?

The good catch was hastily written as he was approaching. He has many good attributes and I recognise those. It’s a shame he’s a liar and a cheat.
I’m trying to remember when he got the case for his phone. He has face recognition but would flag when a message came through. Obviously with a case it’s not even visible.
He seems to be stressed. Probably realising that with me working from home, meeting up will be harder for them.

Im confused, how do you know this lady is single if you don't infact know he's cheating?

It’s a work colleague- I’ve met her. He’s talked about her. I’ve sneaked and seen messages between them telling each other they love each other. But he deletes everything once sent/ read. I only saw it because he’d fallen asleep with his phone open.

I personally think deep down you know the answer to your question. He probably wont leave unless he knows you know. How you are holding all this information in and not bursting with anger at him yet is beyond me!

I'd mention it briefly, like a subtle hint and see what he says, be honest, ask him straight up, if he's honest then maybe there is a chance. If he lies then for me it's a big no.

If you cant speak openly and honestly id say you've come to a stand still and you both want separate things.

Well don't do his laundry, don't cook for him and treat him as a room mate?

As others had intimated: Why are you so focused on his motivations, which are pretty simple OP ? and not thinking about what you want to do?

This man does not care about you, not really, he doesn't care how you feel. He is lying to your face and you are wondering why HE doesn't leave?

You ask this question to mumsnet - but what is the answer you secretly want? That he loves you really? Some old fashioned narrative that a man never leaves his 'loved' wife for a mistress?

Love is as love does. I am not overreacting when I say that this is actually emotional abuse in action. There is incredible freedom on the other side of living in this nightmare, if you can gather strength and end this torture.

He's not going to be able to pop out to meet up now is he? So maybe chug along and keep things civil until the lockdown lifts. Develop a 'cough' and take yourself off to the spare room if you feel you need to - but you might find he'll think of that first - so he can chat to his OW on his own . Depending on how you want to play it, if you have a little 'nasty streak', then set up cctv in the room he's in, so you can keep an eye on him as he's 'ill' or keep barging in without knocking. If you are too nice for that just resolve yourself to start making plans for when it's easier to make the split.
Sorry you are going through this. People can be shits can't they . Stay strong l. You will get through this.

You know he’s cheating op. Why do you feel you can’t say anything? Is it financial?

It’s not that I can’t say anything, I want to plan, to know that when the time comes we can move forward from this and I know exactly where I’m going. I’m using this time to repair myself, make myself stronger. With everything that’s going on currently, I need to keep disruption to a minimum for our dcs sake. They’re unsettled enough as it is. There is no reason why we can’t carry on as we are, as we always have. Yes, I’ve discovered that he’s cheating / cheated. Whether it’s actually physical (no definite proof) or just emotional I don’t know. That’s not important anyway. Using this time, playing along, will ultimately put me in a better position when all this comes to a head.

That’s totally up to you op. It’s hard to leave and many people find it harder than others. But don’t pretend you’re staying for the kids - my parents subjected us to years of misery on that basis. If they were honest with themselves tho they would have admitted they stayed because it was easier for them.

I don’t mean to sound harsh- I too have been in your position op. It is hard to leave

Hi OP, don't let anyone say that this is justified/excusable to any extent due to him being 'neglected' or anything. Shit happens and everyone goes through health problems etc- most of their husbands manage not to have affairs.

Have you asked him if he’s any affair? (I don’t think you should by the way). Keep your powder dry until you have proof.

To be honest, I feel calm for the first time in a long time. I feel in control. I feel like I’m gaining strength each day. We’ve been forced together by the corona crisis. I’m working from home, dcs are gone and he is now out of work until this is over. We are actually getting on better than we have in a long time. I don’t even feel angry anymore. Once we are more settled into a routine I may let him know I know. I’m playing it very carefully. He really has no escape but I don’t want to create a difficult atmosphere for us all to be in whilst we are forced to all stay indoors. It’s also a perfect opportunity to review our finances and this will hopefully give me the confidence I need to know that I can move forwards and keep all my children with me.