Separated but not divorced is this a good idea

[Motherofmayhem]

So after a hugely abusive and ugly separation from DC’s alcoholic dad,I met someone who has been separated for years but not divorced, he claims he wants a divorce but as I’ve known him for sometime am struggling to believe this is the case.

I’m nervous to proceed any further as I’ve seen time and time again that, this is part of the script. Am I being unfair in assuming the worst, especially when he doesn’t like me having friendships with any of my ex’s as that’s ‘not normal’. I don’t spend time with them, just the occasional hi, how are you, apparently I should have no contact.

Besides the uncertainty about his relationship situation he is a kind, caring man but can be difficult if he thinks I am still communicating with other men. I am not. I cut all contact because it made him uneasy.

You are walking into another abusive relationship. He can be difficult Nope. Move on. Be single. How long have you been single now?

Leave him. He's abusive.

Cut contact with him instead.

I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt, however the delay in actually divorcing to me is an issue. Under what circumstances would it be so difficult to separate everything, I am trying to understand as we are great together when the ‘baggage / my past’, doesn’t get in the way. His past apparently isn’t the issue. I’m confused and would like to understand from the outside whats happening here! I’m usually pretty switched on when it come to my bullshit radars.

So he’s controlling what you can and cannot do . But you think the main problem is his legal status ?

End the relationship and do the Freedom Programme.

You did well to leave your last relationship but you've walked right into another abusive one.

You must do the freedom programme before dating again.

You're chasing a red herring. The issue is not the divorce.
But listen to your instincts that something is quite wrong. It's mostly his attitude towards you and the control. Those are huge red flags for the future.

Do you know why he separated other than from him?
Have you considered that he may be delaying his divorce because he also wants to control his ex?

Go into self isolation from him.

Definitely sounding like an abusive partner already , remember once your in your trapped and you'll be back where ou started in your previous horrible relationship x work on your own self esteem before being dragged under again and you'd have run a mile before even asking for advice on him , please don't be treated badly again xx

Rubbish. He wants you to cut contact with your ex and he cannot even get divorced. Who has the problem here? It is not you and he is projecting his issues onto you.

I would not go any further with it.

All sounds a bit strange.
There are of course situations when people don’t divorce for a life time - because of assets, children or other external factors. Normally, in those situations I’d expect some sort of logical explanation.
Is he himself in touch with his exW?

As to your side. How does he even know who you are talking to? And how many exes are there anyway - you make it sound like there is a large number and you are in some sort of frequent contact. Which - for your sake I’d say isn’t particularly healthy. But it’s not up to him to police anyway.

What are his issues though? I know I should be asking but I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as I am far from perfect.

Where do I find the Freedom programme as my self esteem was on the floor after the delegation as he was an abusive arsehole right across the board and still is.

I am a people pleaser but usually have the confidence to not let other contrail me but now find myself doubting other areas lioe work etc, like I’m inadequate and not capable of looking after myself on a basic level. This has only crept in recently though.

Shouldn’t be asking rather

Listen to yourself. You are putting this man above you! He’s done a nice test already to see if he can modify your behaviour so that you don’t talk to your ex.

Whereas he isn’t even divorced - maybe for any other number of reasons but he’s already policing your past when his own is unresolved.

What a piece of work - did you tell him your previous relationship was abusive per chance?

Occasionally in touch I think, I don’t ask as it’s not an issue for me. My apprehension is the delay, does he want a fall back and so on, I just don’t know because of the timeframes. Sometimes, if I over think I do wonder if it’s all bullshit and he’s having his cakes and eating it is the expression but that doesn’t seem like him at all.

No, not a huge number but seems to think I’m constantly in communication which I’m not. There was a circle of friends, who have drifted apart for various reasons, work, children and this circle contained a past fwb. I have no contact now but he does t believe me. I understand his nervousness around this but I would never do anything to undermine things and he finds it hard to believe me.

I am far from perfect as I have said but he does seem to think I am doing things I’m not and jumps to unfair conclusions which is exhausting.

How seperated is he? Have they been living separately for a year or more? Seperate finances etc?

This man is bad news. You are nervous and exhausted just dealing with him now. Please get rid of him

yes, separated for years, he rents and she lives in the family home with their kids. Think the finances are separated.

I feel like I am being unfair as I was spending time in a group setting with an ex, whom I’ve known for years and years as we grew up together and he was very uncomfortable but this was in the beginning of when were first started seeing each other. I know at that point he was still spending family occasions with his wife and didn’t disclose to me, am I being stupid or just understanding that things can be complicated. I just don’t know.

Yes he knows very much how abusive the relationship with the DCs dad was / is.

With all due respect it sounds as if your head is all over the place. You need to be single for a bit.

Freedom Programme - ideally you would do a face to face course but there's also an online one.

Consider counselling too.

Well he’s using that - that tells you exactly what he is really like. He sees it as something to use! Bad news

jumps to unfair conclusions which is exhausting.

Is this how you want to spend your life?
I've been there and it doesn't end well.

Do not give an abuser the benefit of the doubt. You will lose years of your life and your self esteem will be in bits. Look at his actions. He is legally married. He is controlling who you can contact. He has double standards. Abusers target abused women. Please separate, if it's meant to be he can contact you when his divorce is finalized

You tell him the truth. He does not believe you. He believes you are the type of person who is a liar and a cheat. Yet still he doesn't dump you. Clearly he is nuts. Get away. Don't keep men who assume you are a lying cheating slag, especially when you are none of those things. Run. Fast. You have found out he has awful traits. Now you run, not now you think oh well but when he's not being mean he's being kind so I should tolerate the mean

I don’t know how to untangle it all. Currently he is ‘ignoring‘ me as we had a disagreement last week and he refused to join me for the weekend in any activity, so decided to sit on his computer working. We were supposed to talk about what happened but I couldn’t get to the phone when he called so he took that and my previous message as me ending the relationship. This is a pattern when we are not physically together. Tried calling him a few times but he didn’t answer and his excuse was he was watching a film and didn’t take his phone with him. That’s of course bollocks, and an excuse I find a little embarrassing.

So Emma yes my head is completely upside down as I have no idea what is going on with him and why I am being so subservient yet again. I feel stuck in this pattern. I also feel completely on my own which is why I am posting. It’s pathetic I know.