Separated but not divorced is this a good idea

[Motherofmayhem]

So after a hugely abusive and ugly separation from DC’s alcoholic dad,I met someone who has been separated for years but not divorced, he claims he wants a divorce but as I’ve known him for sometime am struggling to believe this is the case.

I’m nervous to proceed any further as I’ve seen time and time again that, this is part of the script. Am I being unfair in assuming the worst, especially when he doesn’t like me having friendships with any of my ex’s as that’s ‘not normal’. I don’t spend time with them, just the occasional hi, how are you, apparently I should have no contact.

Besides the uncertainty about his relationship situation he is a kind, caring man but can be difficult if he thinks I am still communicating with other men. I am not. I cut all contact because it made him uneasy.

What are you doing OP? You know this isn’t right. He’s not going to explain. Come on. To explain would a) mean he has to admit he was wrong b) have self-realisation, self-control and self-analysis skills. If he had those then he wouldn’t be the way he is. The way he is with you is the way he was with his wife and is why he is separated! Come on. Catch up. Why do you think she split with him? You’re taking on this damaged abusive baggage when you’ve got yourself out of a bad situation already. For gods sakes stop plunging yourself into more bad situations! Don’t you want to be happy? Find somebody normal! Find somebody who isn’t weird like this. The way he reacts to you isn’t ok and it isn’t normal. Stop trying to get explanations. Take back control. Say “I’m done” and mean it

Are you sure he is separated not that his wife has moved abroad, back to family whilst he works here.

Techway yes certain he is separated.

He isn’t going to change of course, so I’m not pretending that he will. I just didn’t start out this way and I am upset that things I shared with him are used against me. His declarations of how he would have done anything for me but now, of course now he knows what I’m really like it’s all such a shame. What? I don’t even understand what that means. It’s a scary time and he’s shown absolutely no support for me through all of this. He had a sick family member so is concerned so I am taking that into consideration to some degree.

He means that he thought you were a good girl who woudo do as you were told. So he was happy to make a small effort to try and keep you.

But know he knows that you are not complaint, he feels sad that he’s wasted his time grooming you .

@Motherofmayhem, this may sound harsh, but I really don’t think you’re taking on board anything that has been said to you in this thread. You keep making excuses for him - I’m really not sure what outcome you’re looking for, but I get the distinct impression that it won’t be the one that’s best for you.

I suppose I don’t see him as abusive so it’s hard to digest.
The grooming comment has thrown me a little too if I’m honest.

Have you ever read "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft?

Red flags everwhere here op.

He keeps you unsure of his martial status
He doesn't like you talking to men and tries to restrict who you talk to
He ignores you (stonewalling)

Dump him OP. You're waking into another abusive relationship

Emma, yes I’m ashamed to say someone gave it to me to read in my last relationship. This one is the opposite to my last though and I thought I was being very very careful so I don’t really quite understand what is going on here.

The silent treatment I pathetic yes, but the controlling behaviour is just weird. My past is history and my don’t know why can’t let it go! I don’t understand the grooming thing I don’t think he is intentionally doing that but I clearly am an idiot!

God why do I always end up choosing men who treat me like some subordinate. The more I try and ignore or stand up for myself it the worse it seems to get

Men like that try it out with lots of women. I have certainly met a few. Where you are going wrong is continuing to see them. The rest of us, eye roll, dump unceremoniously, have a laugh with our mates about this wanker who though he could tell me who I could talk to. We don't play games of ignoring, standing up for ourselves, understanding where he's coming from. No. Fuck this. Bye. Gone.

He is aware of the awfulness I was subjected to by my ex and I have told him anecdotal stories about my past which he gets really angry about for some reason. It’s just normal stuff so I don’t know why he is using it against me the way he does.

Why? Because that's how he likes it. He is a controlling abuser. By telling him about your past abuse, you handed him the tools to abuse you in turn.

I am upset that things I shared with him are used against me. His declarations of how he would have done anything for me but now, of course now he knows what I’m really like it’s all such a shame.

And yet you are still looking for explanations... The only explanation is that this is how abusers operate. Whatever it is, it's always your fault, always will be. Blaming you, undermining your confidence, getting you to walk on eggshells and pretzel you yourself to appease him, sending you to the doghouse to await the end of his silent treatment...

God why do I always end up choosing men who treat me like some subordinate.

You've got this the wrong way around. HE chose YOU because he could tell you would make a good victim!

As I said I feel so sad.

Don`t be sad, be angry - angry enough to kick him to the curb. But then you have to start working on yourself. And stay single for at least a year. Why?(a) so that you don't fall for an other abuser. And (b) so you can be happy in your own right, with or without a man in your life.

NB: 3 books for you:
Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
Women Who Love too much by Robin Norwood
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Hi, I am a freedom programme facilitator, and a survivor of over 30 years of abuse.
Learning about the cycle of abuse they follow and tactics they use is life changing.
No one judges you, no one tells you to leave, we support you and know how each and every one of us feels.
Please do contact me, I am always happy to chat and I can tell you about the online free zooms available x