Separated but not divorced is this a good idea

[Motherofmayhem]

So after a hugely abusive and ugly separation from DC’s alcoholic dad,I met someone who has been separated for years but not divorced, he claims he wants a divorce but as I’ve known him for sometime am struggling to believe this is the case.

I’m nervous to proceed any further as I’ve seen time and time again that, this is part of the script. Am I being unfair in assuming the worst, especially when he doesn’t like me having friendships with any of my ex’s as that’s ‘not normal’. I don’t spend time with them, just the occasional hi, how are you, apparently I should have no contact.

Besides the uncertainty about his relationship situation he is a kind, caring man but can be difficult if he thinks I am still communicating with other men. I am not. I cut all contact because it made him uneasy.

It's not pathetic. You just need to step away from him and get support to focus on sorting your head out.

So he is allowed to be married but you cannot occasionally text an ex? Walk away OP.

It doesn't matter one bit what's going on with him. What matters is what's going on with you. You absolutely need time in your own, to work you out. To work out why you go from one abuser to another. To work on why you think that's all you deserve.

Dump the abuser and work on you. Make a pledge not to get into a relationship for the next two years.

You're in an excellent position to end the relationship.
Do it.
Stop contacting him

He will contact you, of course. Just tell him it's over and go no contact whatsoever.

Well I have messaged him to explain my anger and disappointment at his treatment towards me as well as address the double standards. I anticipate no contact from him as this is the usual pattern. He is in a lockdown area in any case as he left to get back to his dc which I understand but it just highlights what a mess I have got myself into.

What do you expect from him? Validation?

Don't try to enter into a dialogue.

I don’t understand? Sorry! I want an explanation as to why he’s been so disrespectful and dismissive of his behaviour. If that’s what you mean as it’s unacceptable.

His explanation doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. Whatever he says has no bearing on your wellbeing. Nothing he says will make any difference to you. Block! Stop getting drawn in.

I am a people pleaser ... I’m inadequate and not capable of looking after myself on a basic level. ... my head is completely upside down as I have no idea what is going on with him and why I am being so subservient yet again. I feel stuck in this pattern.

@Motherofmayhem.... Have you ever looked into codependency? This book by Melody Beattie is a good place to start:

www.goodreads.com/book/show/720298.Codependent_No_More

There are also some podcasts by Ross Rosenberg that you may find useful.

I want an explanation as to why he’s been so disrespectful and dismissive of his behaviour.

Why bother with an explanation? You already know that what he is doing is abusive and cannot be justified, so why would you be interested in some concocted mindfucked explanation that he might come up with?

This relationship is toxic and detrimental to your emotional wellbeing. You would be better off spending some time on your own and work out who you are and what you truly want. Start with the Freedom Programme. Focus on good friendships (not Exes...), self-esteem, personal reflection and activities that give you joy.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? (Mary Oliver)

If you choose to contact him for any reason you are unfortunately giving him an opening to abuse you further which is why no contact is advised. When you block him, most likely his next tactic will be love bombing. This tactic is more abuse. Because when he then has exactly where he wants you he will continue to control and humiliate you with his abuse. You will never get anything from an abuser except abuse. Good luck

How old are your kids? Are they exposed to this toxic situation? You really do not sound ready for a relationship.

He will ignore me for days now.

No children are small have no idea and only met him a few times which was deliberate.

I feel very sad.

People only argue (complain and want explanations) when they're not prepared to walk away.

For your sake, don't seek explanations from him or complain to him. Just walk away.
You know he's wrong and the relationship isn't working. That should be enough.

I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt

Please, don't do that

how to untangle it all

Don't bother, it's not supposed to be so difficult. Do this

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Silent treatment/"ignoring you" is classic emotional abuse.
Misplaced jealousy/possessiveness is used to control and isolate.
Everything being your fault/your past/your issues and never his - more emotional abuse/gaslighting.

You're heading right back into an abusive relationship.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt

Literally never ever give men like this the benefit of the doubt. They never deserve it and they will always throw it in your face. Accept that you hooked a bad one and throw him back. It's 100000x better to be alone than with another abuser.

I want an explanation as to why he’s been so disrespectful and dismissive of his behaviour.

He is a dickhead. That's the explanation. Don't hang out with dickheads.

He will ignore me for days now.
You are so whipped to even know this. A man could give you the sulks once for you to know that's how he rolls and upon next contact you dump him. Maybe maybe if there was some brilliant excuse for his silence you might give him a second chance. Never a third. Block and delete.

It is like you are begging him to abuse you. Block and delete!

He controls who you can see
He sulks when you disagree with him
He ends it if you don’t pick up the phone on time
He calls you a liar and a cheat
He won’t have a rational discussion about issues

But rather than recognising how toxic he is, you want more of a fight and an “ explanation “. When you know fine well that the explanation will be “ you made me do it. If you were more obedient there wouldn’t be a problem “.

There is absolutely no benefit of the doubt to be given here. There’s no confusion. He’s been perfectly clear he’s jealous and trying to control your contact with other men and he’s sulking and ignoring you if he’s not getting his own way. Total abusive, shit behaviour. Block and run. Who cares if he replies- it will only be another accusation of why it’s your fault.. You’d just found your freedom- don’t give it up again.

Where does his wife & children live? Did you meet him through OLD?

Your instincts are screaming at you and you are showing all the signs of being invalidated by this man but you are not listening.

Abuse is not rational. It is about control. He wants to test you to see how compliant you are..Can he tell you what to do, do you listen, do you placate him?? All of these are tests that show him if you will be a good victim. The fact that you shared your previous relationship abuse shows him that your boundaries are soft and you are willing to give men the benefit of the doubt.

What education have you done since your last relationship ended? It has taken me years to realise how I accidentally gave out signals to abusers. Please read about abuse and watch videos as there is lots of information around. "How he gets into your had" is an excellent read.

It firmly puts the blame on abusers but informs women who are generally too tolerant how to avoid being targeted.

If you respond to this man it signals that you are willing to tolerate his behaviour. End it and whilst you will feel sad you are saying yourself and children years of heartache.

Met at work and his family moved abroad when they separated.

I haven’t had any therapy since I separated of that is the question.

He is aware of the awfulness I was subjected to by my ex and I have told him anecdotal stories about my past which he gets really angry about for some reason. It’s just normal stuff so I don’t know why he is using it against me the way he does.

As I said I feel so sad.

It's ok to feel sad. But block him and wallow in feeling sad without contacting him, please. You are not recovered from your previous abusive relationship.

Be sad. Block. Act on sadness by getting therapy and swearing off men for a good few months.

He wants you to feel sad. That's manipulation. If you were single you'd be happy and living life how you want to live it and having fun with your children. He wants you to feel sad so when he decides he will contact you you will be grateful and unwilling to rock the boat again and then you will be walking on eggshells. Try and be happy you have a lovely chance here to end the relationship on your terms. You won't feel sad for very long if you take control and stop allowing him to manipulate you

can be difficult if he thinks I am still communicating with other men
That's probably why he isn't divorcing.....doesn't want 'his' wife/woman as he sees it to be with another man.

It's a control thing. His ex can have partners but NOT another husband.

He's a dickhead - and you're a fool for not seeing it.
He's giving you the silent treatment? Really? Why are tolerating it?
I'd block his number and give him permanent silent treatment!