Alcohol husband - after detox

[Kindpotato]

Hi ladies, I'm really hoping someone can share their experiences.

I've posted before about wanting to leave my husband as he wouldn't stop drinking and, well, it was just completely awful. I had no money. No way of leaving. And he wouldn't leave either.

Anyway. He did a detox at home, the kids were on school holidays, I was working from home, I had 2 interviews (which I smashed) all whilst trying to care for him.

I got him dressed, changed his sheets, and was his full on carer.

Now after coming off the alcohol he is very depressed.

He doesn't love me. He doesn't love anything. He doesn't feel anything.

He doesn't know what he wants. But he doesn't want to go counselling. So because I've been stuck in limbo I've made the decision for him and said we need a break. He has finally agreed. So that's the plan.

Why do I feel so hurt.

He treated me like absolute crap, got us in debt, pays me nothing and leaves me with all bills, I've pushed away all my friends, I've had to leave my job and find a new one to pay more so I can support my family which is a good thing but it was hard as fuck and I start in 2 weeks with all this shit going on.

Anyway. I'm hurt. Sad. Angry. I have him everything. We got married and after his drinking got so bad he was pshyically addicted.

I'm lost. Alone.

Please someone tell me something good will come from this, because at the moment I feel terrible and heart broken :(

Poor you. The reality of divorce has hit and you will be grieving, perhaps previously you had some hope and that has now all gone.

How old are your children? Can you access support for yourself and the children as alcoholics are selfish and your needs have been neglected.

There maybe counselling for the children via school.
It will get better, you are doing the right thing, your life will improve but first you need to grieve and heal.

I can’t share any experiences but it sounds like you are doing great. Well done and keep it up

Let the useless fucker go and create a great life with the kids. You are clearly highly competent and he's been nothing but a negative effect.

Have you considered Al-anon? They will give you loads of support and advice and many of them will have been through similar situations. That is probably the best advice I can offer. Most people on MN won't know what they are talking about (some will).

Your husband will be numb at the moment and will probably relapse unless he gets the support he needs too. AA is brilliant - I say this as a 25-year sober alcoholic and AA member.

Separation is probably a good idea at the moment for you and the kids. There may be a possibility of a reunion in future, but that will depend on him. This may give him the kick up the arse he needs to get into recovery properly.

Good luck, and have hope.

Did you do it alone? That wasn’t a sensible decision.

Take responsibility for all the decisions YOU have made. Prioritising the alcoholic.

You have choices. The best one you could make for you and the DC would be to separate from him.

You're grieving for the loss of your relationship. That's normal and healthy.

I second going to Al-Anon - you deserve support from people who have been through what you're going through. It's likely that your husband will relapse, given he is doing nothing to address the underlying causes of his alcoholism. I've been there - I'm a widow now.

Separation is best for you right now. Trust me on this. In a year's time you will be looking back and wondering why you ever let your life be the way it was.

My father was an alcoholic, it was awful, I wish my mother would have left him when we were younger. You sound wonderful, to have found a new job and found the strength to separate from him is amazing- I am in absolute awe. Of course you feel hurt, you gave your all and felt like it wasn’t enough, but it’s not your job to fix him. Al Anon run a family group that helped me, they use the 3 C’s, "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it,". Please find some support in real life to help you see how well you are doing with all this.

Thank you.

I guess I've been waiting so long for him to change, when it got so bad I lost him but had hope that when he finally comes off it I'd get him back... And I haven't :( he's still gone.

I don't think I'm strong enough. I have so much love to give and want to be loved too. I can't see an end to this feeling of loneliness... It's just awful :(

I'm scared to go to Al anon. I don't know why. :(

I have always been honest with the kids, they are 9, 6 and 4. The younger 2 don't understand as much, but they know what's been going on and I've never hidden anything from them. I feel lies would hurt them more.

Theyre very accepting that daddy is going. My eldest asked if I would let him finish decorating her bedroom first haha! At one point she thought she was depressed and, it was partly him. Heart breaking.

Really sorry for your losses

And sorry about your father being an alcoholic.

It's a terrible disease :(

This reply has confused me! But thanks :)

Give your love to your DC. Your ex’s drinking and your choice to stay with them will already have had a big negative impact on them.

You can do better for them. Go to Al Anon. Get some help for the DC if you can afford it.

My dad got sober, the years I wasted wishing he would and thinking I’d get my lovely dad back, he stopped speaking to me altogether a year later when he left my mum. He just blocked all calls from my brother who has tried to take his own life several times since. He broke my heart over and over with his drinking and then he broke it for the last time completely sober. We were raised never feeling good enough for our dad to get sober for and then we still weren’t good enough when he did. You’re saving your kids from a lifetime of upset.
I don’t hold with the alcoholism is a disease theory much either I’m afraid. I think some of us struggle to control our compulsions, and that alcohol is obviously addictive, but they’re not helpless victims, they can all choose to get help however scared they may be.
Please don’t be scared of Al anon, or any other support group or a counsellor if you can afford it. It helps so much to talk.

dozer you really don’t need to keep ramming home that the OP has made a mistake staying with her partner, she has 3 young kids with the man it’s not as simple as you make it sound to leave.

Two posts, anne.

It isn’t simple, but nor was staying, and having DC was and still is the main reason to leave.

Just to clarify, this has really put me off posting again. And this is the reason I don't talk to people about it, so thanks for confirming. I hope you're never in my situation. :(

Thanks to all the helpful replies, I really appreciate it.

Posting on an open forum is always a shot in the dark, you never know what response you might get from people who have never been in you position, all the more reason to seek out people who understand what you are going through in real life. Even if you don’t post again I wish you all the luck in the world, good luck with the new job and building your new life you brave lady!

Of course she loves her husband and helped him recover. I’m so sorry Kindpotato. I hope things get better and you all can be a family again soon.

@Kindpotato I think you've had a lot of support in the other thread at least, and rightly so.

Al-anon should be helpful if and when you feel upto it, as you'd meet a lot of other people in the same position.

Either way, please stay seprated from him.

Best wishes xxxxx

What you've done is really unhealthy OP. Have you had any treatment for your co dependence?

There's an organisation called CoDA that you might find helpful. There's also a book called Co dependence No More by Melody Beattie you might find helpful. I think there's also info on Youtube as well.

You obviously had little experience of dependency before sidelining everything in your life, including your and your children's well being, in order to dedicate it to your husband.

Alcoholism is often a symptom, not a cause, and alcoholics tend to get very depressed for several reasons. One is lack of vitamins, including Vitamin B which is depleted through alcoholism. Another reason is that giving up alcohol suddenly sends the brain's pleasure receptors into shock and alcohol is a known depressant. Finally, you have on your hands a 'dry drunk'. A dry drunk is an alcoholic who hasn't done any of the work involved in recovery.

He's going to fall off the wagon pretty soon OP because he obviously doesn't want to stop. If he wanted to stop, he would be getting appropriate treatment and taking responsibility for his addiction. He's also going to fall off the wagon because he's got an enabler (that's you) who is literally wiping his arse for him. It means that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his behaviour.

As the Americans say, 'It's time to take out the trash' OP. It's time to dump his sorry arse and let him wallow in self pity - don't worry, he'll love it.

You need to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and start rebuilding. Your foundations are shaky or you wouldn't have put up with it for so long. Your children will also be suffering because their needs aren't being met while everything revolves around their father's addiction and needs.

I'm sorry you feel lost and alone OP. There's another organisation called Al Anon you may also find helpful and your children could perhaps do with support from Nacoa which is for the children of alcoholics. I suggest you read up on how it affects them for life OP, before you take him back again.

Bloody ell.

Just to clarify, my life isn't shattered.

These things creep up on you. I didn't marry an alcoholic, I married a nice kind man who I had 3 children with.

The NHS failed him and I stepped in when their help was utter bollox. We eventually found a doctor who has really helped him, and now he's on the long road of recovery.

Also, he wasn't an all day drinker. He went to work and drank at night, particularly after the death of our 5 year old niece and then our 15 year old dog when it went to every day.

He's still my friend. And I'd never just leave someone in need. But I also was very self aware of my enabling, and also struggling with my own issues after our family passing away and other things going on in my life.

Now is the right time for him go though, but it hurts like shit. It's a loney, it's not nice when someone tells you they don't love you, but they can't help it. They just want to get better. He's currently training for the 10k run now, so he has something to focus on.

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate everything. Even the negative ones.

I have woke up feeling strong. And knowing I have helped him as much as I can now. He needs to do the rest.

I just want to love and be loved. That's my struggle. 💗

Oh and my kids needs are being met. Don't worry. They came before him. Hence this whole thing happening. It just didn't happen over night.

Well done for making the decision, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be. What stands out for me is that it's been all about him. His drinking, his debt, you helping him, you caring for him. This is probably the first time you've done anything for you. It feels alien and somehow wrong. But it's not op. If you can't face AA, can you see if you can get some counciling on your own. It might help?

@copycopypaste you're so right. It usually goes, kids, rabbits, husband, work, and I don't come into it at all. Maybe I'll meet someone one day who puts me first.

God I love those rabbits. Hahah :)

@kindpotato it’s a revelation when you do meet someone who puts you first. I always settled for 80/20 in their favour, if not less than that. My now dh is the other way and actually gets annoyed when I don’t put myself first. You will get there, and there are good people out there.

You need to do what’s best for you and your dc now. You’ve taken the hardest step, now it’s time for the hard slog to the light at the end of the tunnel, but you, the dc and the rabbits will get there

What the other respondents have written with regards to attending Al-anon meetings. You will meet other ordinary people like you there, your situation and your own part in his alcoholism are not at all unusual.

I sincerely hope that you finally get off the merry go around that is alcoholism because you, and in turn your kids, have been on this up till now. Its not also called "the family disease" for nothing either. You have played the usual roles associated with such spouses (those of enabler, codependent partner and provoker because you never forget) to your overall detriment. You may also be wrong in your belief he wants to get better; he wants you around to prop him and his drinking up. When he fails he can blame you and does blame you. You have been the ideal foil for him. He may well go onto lose absolutely everything and everyone around him and still choose even then to drink afterwards. You are not responsible for him and never have been though your codependent nature tells you otherwise. Love is sadly not enough here, you cannot simply love someone like your H better.

Let him go and make this separation now a permanent one. Infact he has done you a huge service by stating that he is in agreement with separating. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are apart.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up too?. Did you see similar at home between your mum and dad?.

Hard as it is to read I would also urge you to read this article:-
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html