Alcohol husband - after detox

[Kindpotato]

Hi ladies, I'm really hoping someone can share their experiences.

I've posted before about wanting to leave my husband as he wouldn't stop drinking and, well, it was just completely awful. I had no money. No way of leaving. And he wouldn't leave either.

Anyway. He did a detox at home, the kids were on school holidays, I was working from home, I had 2 interviews (which I smashed) all whilst trying to care for him.

I got him dressed, changed his sheets, and was his full on carer.

Now after coming off the alcohol he is very depressed.

He doesn't love me. He doesn't love anything. He doesn't feel anything.

He doesn't know what he wants. But he doesn't want to go counselling. So because I've been stuck in limbo I've made the decision for him and said we need a break. He has finally agreed. So that's the plan.

Why do I feel so hurt.

He treated me like absolute crap, got us in debt, pays me nothing and leaves me with all bills, I've pushed away all my friends, I've had to leave my job and find a new one to pay more so I can support my family which is a good thing but it was hard as fuck and I start in 2 weeks with all this shit going on.

Anyway. I'm hurt. Sad. Angry. I have him everything. We got married and after his drinking got so bad he was pshyically addicted.

I'm lost. Alone.

Please someone tell me something good will come from this, because at the moment I feel terrible and heart broken :(

You may think you prioritised your DC, but it’s clear from your posts that this isn’t the case.

You still have the option to put them, and yourself, first. You don’t need a man to put you first, you can do that for yourself.

" It usually goes, kids, rabbits, husband, work, and I don't come into it at all. Maybe I'll meet someone one day who puts me first".

You really do need to put your own self first; it should be you primarily followed just behind by your childrens' and your own wellbeings, your animals and your work. Who taught you to put your own self well down your own list here?. How did you absorb that damaging lesson?.

He is and should be at the very bottom of your priority list here. What do you think his priority list is like; its drink first and foremost to him. His thoughts revolve around alcohol and on where the next drink is going to come from. That is what his primary relationship is still with and alcohol is a cruel mistress. Your kids and you are nowhere on his list of priorities.

It actually goes: your H, your relationship (co dependency) with your H, then DC, work etc.

Otherwise you would already have got out of the relationship.

He did not want the NHSs help either and ultimately the only person who can help your H is his own self. He may well not make the choice even now to do that and that is not your fault nor responsibility. He remains solely responsible for his own choices here. You were and remain in no position to help him either as his wife and besides which he does not want and never wanted your so called help and support. All that did for you personally was to give you a false sense of control.

Really Dozer, that’s enough.

Good luck OP x

Dozer you’re just being nasty now. Everyone can see it. Maybe take a look at what’s wrong with your own life before you kick someone who is down in a situation you know so little about.

@Kindpotato it is really hard because you give everything for him at the expense of yourself and others and he gives nothing back, he just keeps on taking, your money, your energy, your life. It hurts when they love alcohol more than they love you.

You are grieving and if not grieving for the man he has become you grieve for the man he used to be and the life you hoped you could have. That is normal, but coming to terms with the loss is painful.

Hold your resolve you will eventually move on and you and your children will be better for it. Seek all the help that you can, it may be an uphill struggle before you feel like you are living again.

I will bow out. I do have very strong views and feelings about this. I am not seeking to be nasty.

Please don’t presume to know my experience or situation.

Just wanted to add, how hard this must all be for you. By separating, you are freeing yourself to love yourself.

@dozer take care, I hope you have a happy and healthy life. I'm sorry if your experiences have lead you to be this way. And I hope your future is brighter. X

Some of the responses you’ve had have been harsh, but I don’t think you should dismiss them. There are some good learnings for you - even if they make for difficult reading.

There is definitely an unhealthy codependent dynamic in your relationship. There is in every alcoholic/non-alcoholic relationship. You need to be honest with yourself about that.

As you can see from this thread, the subject of an alcoholic parent being enabled by the non-alcoholic parent is a very emotive one. I was a child in this dynamic and I can tell you, it ruins childhoods. You might think the children are protected from it but you’d be foolish to believe they don’t pick up on the atmosphere. Even before I was old enough to understand the details I knew that something was ‘off’. My father was totally and utterly preoccupied and consumed with managing my alcoholic mother. Our whole household and family revolved around my mother’s alcoholism. It dominated everything and created a lot of fear and confusion.

When I read posts like yours, that child in me gets angry all over again. And I can see it’s the same for other posters. Really, the alcoholic is his own problem. Your only focus should be on protecting you and the children from any further emotional damage caused by this disease. “But I looooove him!” is a poor excuse not to.

His agreeing to a divorce is actually a gift of freedom to you. Grab it with both hands and don’t look back.

@RUOKHon thank you and I will do.

He has always drank a few nights a week, and I did too, it's only been the past year he has drank every day after some sad events. And noone gave me the handbook of how to deal with the situation, so it's been a long process but I've got there in the end, as soon as I realised and come to terms with what was actually happening. I literally don't know anyone who has gone through this so I felt like I was on my own.

I've not dismissed any comments and I appreciate them. It's a hard pill to swallow when people assume my life is a wreck, it's not, it's just a bit broken.

New job in 2 weeks, he's out the same time, single working full time mother, I'll do this. We will be okay..... Although the kids are upset they will need a childminder because their daddy won't be picking them up anymore. My eldest said she will feel like she is being kidnapped every day!! :) X

For years, he made it all about him and his needs. You were made responsible for everything, work, food, children, pets, his emotions, his health, the consequences of his feeling unhappy and sorry for himself. Nobody is forced to drink every day because an old dog died - he chose to make it about him and his wish for oblivion.

There was always an excuse to make you deal with everything. The bereavement, the bills - he left you on your own - he even convinced you that it's the NHS's fault - when he was the one screwing you over time and time again because his needs were the only thing that mattered to you.

And he doesn't like being sober or expected to be responsible. That's why he is like this now to you.

An alcoholic is intrinsically abusive and gaslighting. He lost his main means of controlling and abusing you when he stopped drinking - and he doesn't like it, which is why he's now being cruel to you. It is another method of trying to retain control.

Of course not having that level of control and abuse in your life leaves a huge gap - he made sure that he was the overwhelmingly dominant force in your life and thoughts.

Assume he will be drinking again soon, probably blaming you for kicking him out and keeping him away from your children as the reason why.

It's not your fault. It's his. And it's sad that he has turned out to be this person, but he is. And you are not him, you are not here to serve his every whim and bursts of self pity and entitlement, and you are not responsible for this shitshow he's put you through.

Soon, you'll notice that you aren't dreading what you'll find when you open your front door. You won't be worrying about whether he's going to let you down again or deliberately fuck up important plans. You'll know what to expect at home and won't be worrying all the time 'is he really ill/tired? Am I misjudging him? Will I have enough money to pay the mortgage?'. The lack of worry and things to deal with will feel strange for a while, but the gaps can be filled with things that are good for you and good for your children.

And that, for all the sadness, is something to look forward to. Where being happy and calm and safe is the normal state of being.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup
What an amazing reply. Thank you so so much. Xxxxxx

I’ve just posted on your other thread but the 3 Cs are crucial in helping you to heal and make sense of your situation. Please do reach out for support. It’s not like you see on TV, support can be forums like this, instant messaging or telephone support. I found the experience of other and their learnings invaluable. The biggest weight off my shoulders was not keeping my ex secrets anymore they weren’t my responsibility x

MoonCup has it. I still remember the sense of lightness I felt when he was gone and I knew I didn't have to worry about what I would find in terms of his mood, how drunk he was... You will cope as a single working mum. Your life will be so much better. Your children will adapt.

I do hope you'll reconsider some Al-Anon type support for yourself. It really helps to be with a group of like minded people so that you can learn in your heart of hearts that it was never you, it was him.

I too married a lovely man who was a great dad. Unfortunately life happened and I ended up with an emotionally abusive alcoholic. 'Shit happens' is a mantra that helps.

And noone gave me the handbook of how to deal with the situation, so it's been a long process but I've got there in the end, as soon as I realised and come to terms with what was actually happening. I literally don't know anyone who has gone through this so I felt like I was on my own

Absolutely. It creeps up so slowly that before you know it, you’re three or four years in and it’s your new normal. It’s very insightful of you to realise this. And you’re also doing the right thing by leaving now that you’ve had the scales fall from your eyes. You’re just going to have to write off the time and effort you’ve invested in him. Much better to do that than try and recoup ‘sunk costs’ by throwing yet more good effort after bad.

In my case things deteriorated gradually over almost 7 years. It took me 3 to realise things were going bad and a further 2 to realise that it probably spelled the end of life as I knew it.

With hindsight I should have twigged 2 years earlier than I did, but hindsight is always 20/20. It's the boiled frog syndrome and you don't realise how warped your 'normal' has become until you're back to 'real' normal. I still remember hearing my DD2 sing in the shower about 10 days after I'd booted my late husband out and almost bursting into tears - she never did that when he was there.

So don't blame yourself. You have the insight now, you have the strength, you are taking action. Just make sure you also take good care of yourself.

He treated me like absolute crap, got us in debt, pays me nothing and leaves me with all bills

I think alot of women are misled by this 'unconditional love' thats touted about their families - and so they put up with this kind of total rubbish. They are treated with complete disrespect, exploitation and even cruelty, but whine endlessly about how they 'lurve' some unpleasant headcase. This OP even carrying out medical care (alcohol detoxing) including cleaning his bed sheets, for which she is totally unqualified. Hopefully, some sanity for her children will be resumed soon.

OP says defensively she's not wrecked actually, just "a bit broken" - yet OP has to dress him, clean the sheets and be a "carer" to your alcoholic husband who treats OP like 'crap', and got OP and family into debt, had to leave her job, then going through an alcoholic detox in front of your kids at home ...

I know it sounds harsh but I think OP's minimising means she's entangled in this much more than she recognises .... I hope she gets herself and her kids out of the web.

Please go to Al Anon. You will be amazed at the help you get there, from people who know what you are going through.

When people come out of their addiction, they go through terrible depression as they face up to how much DAMAGE their addition has done, from family destruction to debt to lost opportunities. How much they have f* up.

It is very painful.

Will going to Al Anon make it real, do you think?

They don't tell you what to do or what not to do. But listening to those stories makes you realise you are not alone. And you learn a lot about practising self care.

It is a huge gift.

I agree with LadySutch. Having to face the damage they have done is an enormous struggle for the addict once they sober up. Unfortunately when they realise the amount of work they have to do in order to deal with the damage they have done, the task seems so vast they just crumble and are at enormous risk of relapse.

But the bottom line is that's for him to deal with, not you. You need to look after you now. Doing that will also mean you will be the best parent you can be for your DCs - because he will not be able to be his best self for them. That's why it's so important for you to get support from a group of people who know what it's like.

One of the things you will learn is how to detach with love. You will also learn the difference between being supportive and being an enabler. You do not have to suddenly do an about-face and be his enemy - you just have to put yourself and your DC first.

@DownOurAlley I am reading these, you don't have to address me in such way as "her"
Thanks for your input.