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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I see my brother again?

64 replies

Fullofremorse · 14/03/2020 05:46

I grew up in a deeply dysfunctional family that on the surface seemed to "have it all" but didn't because of my father's alcoholism. We all suffered and he died a long time ago. My brother and I fell out over a financial situation a few years ago and he no longer talks to me. He has also cut our elderly, disabled mother out of his life.

I have got in touch with him urging him not to overthink the situation but simply to meet up with us with absolutely no explanations or recriminations but he doesn't respond. It is as though we are dead to him, should I just give up?

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 14/03/2020 05:57

Do you still think you were in the right about the financial situation you fell out over? If so, I am not sure that meeting up would be wise. He broke off all contact over it so unless there was room for discussion about it or it is possible to agree to disagree, then I don't think you'll get far. I say this as someone who is nc with a sibling. They tried to get in touch with me and I ignored them. I'll never forgive them for how they acted although they think they did nothing wrong.

Original poster

Fullofremorse · 14/03/2020 06:56

Thank you for your response, yes I do but despite that I have grovelled and apologised because I just want to see him again and more importantly for our mother to see him before she dies.

OP posts:

Landlubber2019 · 14/03/2020 07:32

It's hard but you need to accept this and put the disagreement and him behind you.

more importantly for our mother to see him before she dies
After your mother dies, then what? The fact that your mother's relationship with your brother is more important suggests that you want to draw him into a relationship which he clearly doesn't want. You need to leave this alone

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2020 07:46

What the other respondents have written here.

Leave him alone. He has every right not to respond to you.

Sophiesdog2020 · 14/03/2020 07:48

I'll never forgive them for how they acted although they think they did nothing wrong.

I am currently going through this with my only sibling and this is how I feel.

Had bullying etc from them all my life, started to go v LC when our last parent died, then they suffered an enormous tragedy. I supported them at that time, despite how they’d treated me for many years, and in touch afterwards.

Only to find them on MN a while ago, getting support for tragedy (fair enough), denying my kids existence and slagging my husband off (not fair enough). I was stunned they would stoop so low, esp about DH, he is a lovely man and helped so much when our mum was terminally ill, not to mention when she died. (Am not minimising what they said about DC but they are now adults and couldn’t care less what was said).

I have just had, this week, texts asking why I haven’t been in touch, they don’t understand what they done wrong. So I told them. Cue denial, the posts weren’t them “prove it” (there was absolutely no doubt that the posts were them), no apology but lots of stuff about what my family did wrong after tragedy. All about them.....how the tragedy means they have an awful life and can say what they want about us. Other people suffer tragedies without being twats to their closest family!

Final guilt tripping text about it being my decision to stay in touch etc. It makes me sad that they think so little of us, but I know it is them not me, they have always been very selfish and self centred.

I am not saying this is you Op, as you say you have grovelled and apologised, but if your brother doesn’t want contact, just leave it.

Triglesoffy · 14/03/2020 07:56

This sounds so harsh but it is a reality that you have to face. As a dysfunctional family, the divisions were ingrained at an early age. Possibly the financial situation was the last straw and your DB sees the whole picture rather than one single element which you have apologised for, with no success.

Don’t be hard on yourself as this is not your fault.

I say this as someone who is vvv LC with my own family so I can understand your DB’s POV.

If you want to keep in touch then send friendly text messages giving snippets of happy news. Send them without conveying any sense of obligation for your DB to respond.

That’s what I think. I might be wrong. Another poster might have an alternative opinion.

Original poster

Fullofremorse · 14/03/2020 07:56

I don't know if it makes a difference or if it is "dripfeeding" but he made lots of money out of selling me a flat which has caused me a huge amount of anxiety - to the point of making me feel suicidal- as well as costing me thousands of pounds in spurious fees.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fullofremorse · 14/03/2020 08:11

Maybe I should have made it clear I am not the one who lied and cheated and stole from someone I trusted.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fullofremorse · 14/03/2020 08:17

For those of you who couldn't wait to put the boot in, well done! I deliberately didn't post in AIBU so I could avoid the horrible, cruel remarks.

OP posts:

FrippEnos · 14/03/2020 08:20

Whatever happened it is clear that neither of you have put this behind you and forcing a relationship wouldn't benefit either of you.

AJPTaylor · 14/03/2020 08:25

All you can do is contact may be every 3 months or so. Is there anyone else that could facilitate contact between him/your mother?

missyB1 · 14/03/2020 08:25

Tbh he doesn’t sound like a very positive or constructive person to have in your life. And I know you want to do this for your mum but ask yourself if he’s this much hard work then does your mum really need that back in her life?
You should try and find some peace with the fact that it’s his choice to isolate himself from his family- and that it might actually be better for you and your mum.

TorkTorkBam · 14/03/2020 08:30

Your dad was an alcoholic. Your mum was therefore his enabler. You think your brother ripped you off and made you suicidal. Your brother wants nothing to do with you all.

You don't even like him. Why are you trying to drag him back in?

Ever heard the term "flying monkey"? I think you are being one of them.

MollyButton · 14/03/2020 08:37

You sound as if your Mother is using you as a flying monkey to your brother.

Honestly.
Do you want a relationship with him?
Or is it mainly what your mother wants?

If the first then maybe reach out for yourself - but absolutely no strings, and don't pressurise him to see your mother. The most I would do after I'd rebuilt a relationship is to ask him to think about how he'd feel if/when she dies and he hasn't seen her - but if he simply would be happy with that, then accept his decision.
But you have a lot of rebuilding first - if you really want a relationship with him.

whatareyoucooking · 14/03/2020 08:41

OP please re read the responses. None of them are horrible or cruel.
Please reflect about how you react to things. Is it possible you reacted in a similar way to your brother?
Obviously we don't know the ins and outs but it struck me that you responded like that to some very measured advice.

Sushiroller · 14/03/2020 08:42

Why did you buy his flat specifically? Did he ask you to?

Sushiroller · 14/03/2020 08:46

For those of you who couldn't wait to put the boot in, well done!
Who are you refering to?
I cant see any offensive or harsh posts on here?!

category12 · 14/03/2020 08:50

Op, some things are broken and never get fixed.

He may not want contact because he feels guilty about ripping you off, if he did. He may not want contact because he's angry or hurt or an asshole or whatever, but it boils down to him not wanting contact and being prepared to risk never reconciling with either you or your mother.

You need to accept that choice - it's his to make. You've done your best to reach out. Let it be.

Original poster

Fullofremorse · 14/03/2020 08:54

I am aware of the term 'flying monkey' which I assume comes from The Wizard of Oz. I am also aware of the concept and reality of codependency which has affected my entire life.

OP posts:

strawberrylipgloss · 14/03/2020 09:00

You're being used as your mum's flying monkey.

Why would your brother want to meet with both of you? Your mum enabled your dad's alcoholism and you are her flying monkey so he can't have a relationship with you without her knowing everything anyway. The way that your OP is phrased makes it sound like you want your brother to contact you because it will make your mum happy. You know that you're allowed to have a relationship with your brother that's separate to his relationship with his mum right?

Fullofremorse · 14/03/2020 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TorkTorkBam · 14/03/2020 09:32

I think I see why he wants nothing to do with you.

You hate his guts. Why are you contacting him? What do you want out of him?

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 14/03/2020 09:38

Your mum abused him.
He wants a life free of drama and pain. He has that absolute right.

So he sold you a flat. Was it done legally? Did you pay to have a surveyor do a complete survey?

Original poster

Fullofremorse · 14/03/2020 09:47

Your mum abused him.
He wants a life free of drama and pain. He has that absolute right.

So he sold you a flat. Was it done legally? Did you pay to have a surveyor do a complete survey?

How did my mother abuse him?

OP posts:

SunshineDays2019 · 14/03/2020 09:49

OP, you are beginning to sound unkind. Why so rude to strawberrylipgloss?

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