How can I see my brother again?

[Fullofremorse]

I grew up in a deeply dysfunctional family that on the surface seemed to "have it all" but didn't because of my father's alcoholism. We all suffered and he died a long time ago. My brother and I fell out over a financial situation a few years ago and he no longer talks to me. He has also cut our elderly, disabled mother out of his life.

I have got in touch with him urging him not to overthink the situation but simply to meet up with us with absolutely no explanations or recriminations but he doesn't respond. It is as though we are dead to him, should I just give up?

You seem to have very different rules for how you speak to others and for how you expect them to speak to you.

I dont get it.
I trust my brother but i wouldnt buy property from him. Did he ask you to buy it or was it for sale and you thought it was a good idea?

Either way he made his pisitoon clear and you should respect it.
You might benefit from some therapy though sounds like there's a lot of anger and unresolved feelings on your side

You seem to have very different rules for how you speak to others and for how you expect them to speak to you.

Do I?

Honestly Op yes.
You've spoken terribly to some posters.
You seem to try and revert back to playing the victim be easily.
It comes across as quite petulant.

You haven't engaged in any real conversation when people have actually tried to help.

It could be why he doesn't want a relationship.

OPYour situation is horrible and must be causing you a lot of stress and pain, but your Brother is an adult and his relationship with your Mum is not your responsibility, i know your Mum must be desperate to see her son but you cant fix it, concentrate on your relationship with your Mum, Dont ruin the time you have left with her. Look after tourself too

Thank you lowlandLucky for your kind, compassionate words, I have been suffering from anxiety so when I wake up I feel as though I have been kicked in the stomach every day,

I have been suffering from anxiety so when I wake up I feel as though I have been kicked in the stomach every day,

That’s v good insight. Next step is to work v closely on addressing this within yourself and not allowing it to drag, catapult and pull you into emotional situations. You mentioned co-dep earlier up thread. Work on this too. Once you start to focus 100% and fix the emotional damage done by your dreadful upbringing life will become much simpler and joyful.

Honestly Op yes.
You've spoken terribly to some posters.
You seem to try and revert back to playing the victim be easily.
It comes across as quite petulant.

You haven't engaged in any real conversation when people have actually tried to help.

It could be why he doesn't want a relationship.

To the posters

The real reason I want him back is to revisit the past when we loved one another

Seriously?!!! The past has PASSED away and none of us can go back.
We don't live in the past.
We live in the HERE AND NOW....and it's from THIS place that we create the FUTURE.

You want to live in the past - he doesn't.
Just accept that you did love each other in the past - you don't NEED to talk about it/re-create it.
You can still love someone but choose not to have them in your life if you feel they have a negative effect on you.

The time that has passed since then has changed you as people....and like they say "we don't get to choose our family".

If you thought you were old/responsible enough to buy a flat then you should have done it properly with a solicitor...and realised what fees are 'normal' and what is 'spurious'.....were you expecting discounts cos you're 'family'?
He isn't responsible for your mental health,. yet you're blaming your lack of personal responsibility on him.....no wonder he doesn't want to be involved in all this drama.

My own family is toxic and dysfunctional and i walked away years ago.
I choose how much contact i have with them...and i also choose what kind of behaviour/attitude i tolerate from them.
To be honest, there is NOTHING to go back for.....no real happy memories/times to reminisce or bond over, our lifestyles and thinking are just too far apart/different to have anything in common, they still view/treat me disrespectfully and like i am the 'reason' behind their family issues etc

So, like your brother, i choose to be in very minimal to almost no contact with them.
The only ones who have an issue with that are those who want me to take responsibility for their issues......

I have been suffering from anxiety so when I wake up I feel as though I have been kicked in the stomach every day
You need to let it go and move on. I was in a similar situation to you and completely understand, however you can't make someone have a relationship with you not can you make someone like you. It took me a long time to move on but once I did my mental health was much better.

The real reason I want him back is to revisit the past when we loved one another
But the past was full of unpleasant times for you all. You feel he ripped you off in the past, you may find that by establishing the relationship again, people fall back into behaviours, how would you feel for this to occur again.r

Move on....

OP you mention 'us' in your first post. I assume the 'us' is you and your mother.

You grew up in a dysfunctional abusive family, so those dynamics are still at play.

I'm sorry to hear of your codependency, anxiety and suicidal feelings. Those are very hard to deal with. Are you getting any help with your mental health?

From what I understand, your brother doesn't speak to you or your mother. Your mother has asked you to contact him and get him to meet you both in order to talk. Is that right?

OP have you been telling your brother that his behaviour is going to push you to suicide? Are you also sending him messages about your mum being fragile and dying soon? That kind of thing?

It seems as though he's made his position clear and doesn't want to know. The best thing to do here OP, is to focus on yourself. Not your brother, not your mum and not their relationship, but you.

Get yourself some help. Therapy and medication for the anxiety and perhaps support groups for Adult Children. You can contact Nacoa for help and support.

Given that your side of the story is that you (and your mother) are right and he is wrong.

IMO this meeting of "no recriminations" would last all of 5 minutes before he was being slated by both of you.

I suspect that there is a huge back story as to why he is NC with the rest of his family.

You can't go back though OP. As harsh as it sounds, the time when you loved each other is gone and from what you have said it is highly unlikely that it will return.

To the Irish person commenting, I do leave him alone but I am worried that there will be regrets when people die.

You tried to get back in touch and appear to have done your best to reestablish a relationship with him. He doesn't want that, so that is all you can do. Yes their might be sadness that the relationship isn't as you wished it would be, but you have tried your best and that is all you can do.

Fullofremorse Your brother have regrets after your has gone but they wont be your feelings, those will his feelings for him to deal with . You cant protect anyone else but yourself. Have a lovely Sunday woth your Mum