Sick to death of hearing about husbands old flame

[alexasaymyname]

DH and I, married 18 years, 2 kids, stable financially and fairly good standard of living. Both work, me part time.

When we met 20 years ago H had just been dumped by his fiancé, (never discussed reasons, break up etc). He did a good job convincing me he loved me, asked me to marry him on the second date (later admitted it was just a way to start having sex there and then, without a lot of dating). He was a very good boyfriend initially, flowers, cards etc, very loving, but there were a lot of red flags I didn't see. Selfish behaviour, possible chasing other girls, standing me up, 'white' lies etc, but by this time I was in love so did what we all do, and overlooked it. I was only 18 at the time.

This behaviour included visiting his ex fiancé who he'd been with for 2 years. I knew nothing of this until later.

The marriage has been Ok. Stable, but H continued to put job, hobbies, friends over me. I've just made my own friends, loved parenting and loved my job, so Hs lack of caring was less important. We still have sex, talk and do family things, but he isnt the love of my life as I thought and I was never his.

Throughout the marriage he has kept in contact with ex fiancé and I have no doubt would have left me in a second if she had said she'd have him. He's visited her a few times, but only tells me afterwards and not always then, I suspect. She didn't marry, had her own successful business and no kids.

H refers to her as 'my dear friend' and gives me updates on her life (like I give a fuck). I never respond and don't want to know.

H yesterday said 'my DF is getting married at last'. So DF is marrying a millionaire with a villa in Portugal etc etc et fucking cetera.

I blew up and told him about how I'm sick of the sound of her name, he never loved me only her (which is true). And walked off.

Silence from me. I can't bear to be in the room with him. I'm furious and want to say, never mention her again or I'm out the door.

Should I do this, or just continue to suck it up and hear about DF (dear fuckers) wonderful jet set lifestyle?

Sorry for the essay

Oh,honey what has happened in your history to allow you to accept such poor treatment by that idiot you are married to? What was his response to your outburst?

You are still young. I'd bin him off tbh. You are worth far more. He settled for you.

Why are you still married to him? If my husband talked about another woman like that or went to visit behind my back it would be divorce as quick as a flash. I’d slam that crap down like he’d been hit by a meteorite. You are spending your life with somebody who couldn’t give a crap about you. That’s really really sad! Get out of this sham. Go and date. Find your own hot guy with a villa in Portugal

Only make a threat, any threat, if you are 100% certain you will see it through. Really though this is just the final straw. You need to rebase this relationship if it is to survive. He has to own up to his feelings about DF and about you, and you need to be honest about your feelings for him. I suspect that such a discussion will lead to a parting of the ways as neither of you really feel strongly enough about each other.

Wouldn’t that be a delicious revenge? To release him just as she becomes unavailable. 😄

Not sure why you’re still married to him tbh. I can understand falling for him in the beginning, you were young and naive but to stay and put up with this for almost two decades? I don’t really get it, sorry.

Look up triangulation. It's that.

OP, you have a very nasty man on your hands. Also google 'love bombing'.

He is using her just as much as he has used you. He has used her to keep you in line. To keep you feeling 'less than'. To have you accepting crumbs and trying to prove you are as good as her. That's why he keeps talking about her.

Think about it - most people, even those who do carry a torch for an ex, would never admit that to their partner. They'd keep it under wraps. They'd cut contact out of respect and to save themselves pain.

He hasn't done that. He's flaunted her.

Just like a psychopath.

So, will he now do the discard or the hoover? Please, don't give him the choice. Bin him off and find a healthy bloke.

Wishing you lots of luck.

Get shot of the windbag.

Have you heard of 'narcissistic truangulation'. It includes when that sort constantly bang on about 'the one that got away' or an ex ect in order to make you feel 'not good enough' or like they think you dont measure up (they can also use items and places to make you feel like they'd rather be there than with you ect). Have you considerd that he brings her up deliberately in order to make you feel like that?

Haha chrustmasfluff snap!

What an utter arsehole. Well done on the ultimatum. Stick to it and let's hope he does mention her again. I don't know how you've managed for so long.

How old are your DC?

Divorce him, he is using you as a back up plan over fear of being alone. Imagine if you kept talking about another bloke to him.

Why the fuck are you still with this man?

God I can feel his cockiness from here and it's giving me the rage, and I'm a total stranger.

In his mind, he is laughing at you. He is thinking "she knows she isn't my first choice but she's never going to leave me."

Prove. Him. Wrong.

He has behaved so cruelly by behaving this way and reinforcing over and over again that you're a back up. Don't be his back up any more, be your OWN priority.

How can you even look at him?

He is skin crawlingly, breathtakingly arrogant.

@EKGEMS I have always had pretty low self esteem, but have got so much more confident over the years. I think this is why I've just kept quiet about it, as well as trying to be grown up, and believe it was just a friendship based on a mutual experience (uni), and also I didn't want to appear petty and jealous.

I'm still married to him because we have 2 kids. Ds has ADHD and needs 2 parents to keep him from going totally off the rails and ending up god knows where. If I was a single parent DD would lose her comfortable home and friends as I could only rent somewhere cheap, plus a mum who has to work full time to keep solvent. I really am staying for the sake of the kids. My dream is for them to go to uni and just leave my husband. I would rather be in my own than in a marriage with no love or meaning,

Now though I am not prepared to hear any more about her. It won't change his feelings I know but at least my nose isn't rubbed in it. What's angered me so much is his total blindness to now hearing her name is so offensive to me. As if I am so unimportant I don't deserve the common curtesy having my feelings considered ☹️

Basically you're all saying what I know, but leaving isn't an easy option. I don't want him to think I am jealous of her, that ships sailed, but I think I will tell him if he ever disrespects me again by speaking her name, I will leave and stick to the threat. I don't love him any more because that feeling has been starved to death.

If I met someone who really cared for me, I wouldn't hesitate to go

I'd be like 'did she? Did she reeeeeeally? Well lucky her! And to think...I married you' xD

He wants you to feel jealous/hurt. It feeds his ego. He will keep trying until you snap (well I guess you have now tbf) so that he can make you out to be the one with the issues. You arent.

What about your care for you? Why does there need to be someone else. Dont you deserve to live a quiet life? Dont your kids deserve a happy mother? And a great role model to show them that women dont tolerate abuse. Which btw, it is. Emotional abuse.

I know leaving would be tough, and a big upheaval for your child with adhd. But they will adjust and so would you. Good things dont always come easy. That doesnt mean they arent worth fighting for.

You know I have an acquaintance in the situation of your DH. Her fiancé jilted her before she met her now DH and she literally mentions him to people she has just met. “X is my DH but I was engaged and jilted before” type thing. It’s mind boggling, disrespectful and has always really pissed me off on her behalf.

It’s totally out of line. If he can’t see why it’s not acceptable and stop fucking doing it I don’t see why you should bother with him in the least.

OP. You do know you can be single. And fabulous.

I get you'll have changes to your lifestyle, but I'd rather than than be disrespected every damn minute of my life.

I was single for 2 years at the age of 35 before I met DH. I had a blast, and was ready as well as incredibly picky by the time we met. It serves me well, he is an awesome DH and I'm so glad I took the time to myself to wait until one worth keeping arrived.

He did a good job convincing me he loved me, asked me to marry him on the second date (later admitted it was just a way to start having sex there and then, without a lot of dating).

Cad.

I'd never heard of narcissistic triangulation, but yes its exactly what he's doing, making me feel jealous and inadequate. DF has great qualifications (same as mine) owns her own business, sold business for millions, lives in fabulous house, and on and on. I'm no longer jealous because i don't want him any more and I don't want to think I'm jealous if i tell him once and for all, I don't want to hear her name again.

Definitely lovebombed initially. When I threatened divorce years ago he said he had only got to turn on the charm and I'd come running back (he was right) and he talked me out of taking the divorce nisi to final 5 years ago with a bunch of empty promises. I am pretty pathetic I know.

Kids are 13 and 15.

Ive yet to give my ultimatum about hearing her bloody name again. I'm practising a speech which emphasises I'm not jealous, but just furious at the total disregard of my feelings and at how empty the marriage is, then just walk away and not get into a row, because he's very clever at turning it into my fault.

I absolutely hate him at times like this, but recently he's been pretty nice to me, unexpected presents, invitations out with his friends (I've refused because there has been too much emotional abuse over the years to want anything but be away from him) and for the first time he offered to carry a heavy shopping bag!

I've got money hidden away, the house has loads of equity, I have a well paid job and plenty of friends and hobbies of my own, so the time is getting nearer and I think he knows it, hence the 'nice' behaviour. Equally I could have a nice life here, but this has brought home to me how abusive he really is.

FWIW. I'm not interested in meeting another man. Marriage has been one long disaster. Men just seem to be users and I think I would be happier on my own anyway. Nice to be as selfish as you like rather than accommodating someone else's needs.

You say cad I say cunt..

Hugs.
Look after yourself. I don't even know you and want to give you hug as the sadness in your writing is coming out.
You are worth more than this. You will move on from him. When you leave him is up to you but already you are seeing it, which is a start.
What a total dick to treat the mother of his children this way.
You time will come. It will. Hang on.

@Aerial2020 That's a lovely thing to say. I am sad I know. I've wasted 20 years waiting for the man I loved to love me, but slowly realising he didn't, and never had. I've got 2 lovely kids though, and know the day will come when he can't get inside me head any more, because I'll be gone. Funnily enough I know that's when he will genuinely appreciate me. He's someone who only values what he's got when he loses it. Just like losing the ex fiancé. The one who got a nice diamond ring she kept, while i got nothing. ......(must let go of the bitterness Alexa)!

I totally agree with any name people wish to call him. He deserves them all!

I wouldn't say he values what he's got when he loses it...I'd say he only wants something when he doesnt have it. All his kind are the same.

My ex would bang on and on about america and wanting to live there one day. I never said how sad it made me feel that it felt like he was saying he would drop me in an instant to move there. I didnt realise he WANTED it to make me to feel that way. He was also prone to slagging off his ex one minute, yet comparing me somewhat unfavorably to her the next.

Guess what? Years later he married an american lass and move there. And within a year of that he messaged me out of the blue one day, to tell me how boring america was and how he wanted to move home. And it finally clicked that he hadnt just been young and immatur back in the day... That he was a cold hearted fucker. And right at that moment, was probably telling his wife what a cow I was...and yet, that she could learn a few things from my fashion sense.

They are never happy. And they never want you to be either.

@Pandamoore I think H is also unhappy and never has been happy. He had a terrible childhood and grew into the school bully (that doesn't excuse it but it explains it better). He's always looking to buy new things, start new hobbies, make new friends, and then loses interest or feels let down. Nothing ever makes him happy. I know he feels disappointed in our marriage and thinks if he hadn't been dumped by this ex fiancé, his life would have been wonderful. I know with certainty, if he had got what he thinks he wanted, he wouldn't want it any more. This ex would not have put up with this shit for 5 minutes.

If you mention the DF and get emotional in any way, I think you'll look jealous. There's literally no way you could express discontent about her without looking emotionally invested. Whatever you say, he will simply hear, "I feel insecure."

Men like him don't listen to words; they look at our feet. Unless we're walking out of the door, they assume they can carry on as they are. So don't talk about it again; you haven't left, so you'll look weaker if you complain than if you don't.

(I understand why you haven't left, btw.)

She's getting married. To someone SO MUCH BETTER than him. Seriously, it's the best punishment/revenge that could have happened.

I'd stay silent with him. But I'd talk to a solicitor who could tell me what I'd be entitled to if I dumped my DH.

but I think I will tell him if he ever disrespects me again by speaking her name, I will leave and stick to the threat.

But that’s not true and he knows it. Don’t issue ultimatums you aren’t prepared to follow through on.