Sick to death of hearing about husbands old flame

[alexasaymyname]

DH and I, married 18 years, 2 kids, stable financially and fairly good standard of living. Both work, me part time.

When we met 20 years ago H had just been dumped by his fiancé, (never discussed reasons, break up etc). He did a good job convincing me he loved me, asked me to marry him on the second date (later admitted it was just a way to start having sex there and then, without a lot of dating). He was a very good boyfriend initially, flowers, cards etc, very loving, but there were a lot of red flags I didn't see. Selfish behaviour, possible chasing other girls, standing me up, 'white' lies etc, but by this time I was in love so did what we all do, and overlooked it. I was only 18 at the time.

This behaviour included visiting his ex fiancé who he'd been with for 2 years. I knew nothing of this until later.

The marriage has been Ok. Stable, but H continued to put job, hobbies, friends over me. I've just made my own friends, loved parenting and loved my job, so Hs lack of caring was less important. We still have sex, talk and do family things, but he isnt the love of my life as I thought and I was never his.

Throughout the marriage he has kept in contact with ex fiancé and I have no doubt would have left me in a second if she had said she'd have him. He's visited her a few times, but only tells me afterwards and not always then, I suspect. She didn't marry, had her own successful business and no kids.

H refers to her as 'my dear friend' and gives me updates on her life (like I give a fuck). I never respond and don't want to know.

H yesterday said 'my DF is getting married at last'. So DF is marrying a millionaire with a villa in Portugal etc etc et fucking cetera.

I blew up and told him about how I'm sick of the sound of her name, he never loved me only her (which is true). And walked off.

Silence from me. I can't bear to be in the room with him. I'm furious and want to say, never mention her again or I'm out the door.

Should I do this, or just continue to suck it up and hear about DF (dear fuckers) wonderful jet set lifestyle?

Sorry for the essay

I'd rub his nose in it.

If he mentions her again, say 'yeah I know, she did so much better for herself once she got rid of you. I'll be able to do that too once I've divorced you'.

Just keep repeating that. And laugh at him everytime you do it before walking away from him.

People like him are pathetic and not worth any sympathy. They are cruel bullies, be a cruel bully back.

I bet she wouldn't, clearly she got lucky getting shot of him.

I agree with pp about ultamatums. It's like telling a dog with rabies to stop biting your foot. It can't help itself. At best, he doesnt have it in him to care about your needs or desires. And at worst, he likes you to feel like he might belittle and disrespect you at any minute so that you remain miserable. Making you miserable makes him happy. He is still a that playground bully.

I would wait until she's married that guy and then I'd dump him.

Don't say anything
Him - I didn't know it bothered you why didn't you say

Do say something
Him - You're mental am I not allowed to have a friend of the opposite sex or be proud of someone I was with before you

You can't win. He's a cunt OP. And like I said in my first post on this thread, I can't bear that he genuinely thinks you'll never leave him. Please prove him wrong!!!

Lots of people have given you fab advice about your husband.

I just wanted to add my experience. I was “stuck” in two useless relationships my whole life. I finally got free a couple of years ago at 33. I had THE BEST time being single. Loads of dating, fun with friends and just a feeling of being free and my happiness not depending on someone else’s mood.

Your kids will be fine downsizing and you working full time. It will be great for them to see someone strive for happiness and independence. They will have picked up that he treats you badly. Show them that’s not ok!!!

Now the cautionary bit of my tale. Yeah had a hysterectomy not along ago and bam!!! My sex drive is zero. I have no interest in men or dating or sex. Those fab years of forming new relationships are gone. I can’t take HRT for a number of reasons so I really miss the person I was before. I am saying this because you may think you have time to wait for the kids to be in uni or settled or whatever but don’t bloody wait!!!! Bite the bullet and live an amazing life now

@AgentJohnson If I gave that ultimatum he knows I would stick to it. A couple of years ago he was staring at a decree nisi. It's a very expensive way to just threaten someone, so he knows I won't be talked around a second time, because all the things he promised, he never kept.

I have seen a solicitor fairly recently and I know I will be ok financially but my concern is for my kids, especially my son. He has experimented with cannabis and I know he has friends who are into drugs. So far, we can talk to him and pull him back, but children with ADHD are unable to see consequences and he is drawn to the schools 'naughty' children. I'm terrified of not being around as much if I work full time as he needs a lot of supervision. If it wasn't for that I know I would have gone years ago.

The annoying thing is H has been very pleasant and reasonable recently, and I think he actually realises what a shit he's been. He'll never apologise or take responsibility but I don't care as I have no feelings for him anyway and never will.

I've moved into the spare room and haven't spoken to him since, but that's been noticed by my kids so I don't want it to continue. I think I will say very calmly with zero emotion, that hearing 'her' name brings back all the years of lying, going behind my back and either cheating or making every effort to cheat, with her. I am not jealous because I don't care any more, but I will not be humiliated again. If he does mention her again, I'm gone. I'll walk away then, not get into an argument and not discuss it further. I'm tempted to say nothing but if her name comes up again, I will totally lose it, so I want him to know that it is a red line for me.

I'll stay for now for my sons sake, but I am going to leave at some point and if I met a decent man, I would start divorce proceedings immediately.

Thank you for all the advice. It confirms what I've always known deep down that I married the wrong person and have to end this sham at some time.

You can stay in the same spare room saying ‘dad snores’ or ‘i snore and it’s keeping dad awake’. No reason to move back into the master bedroom.

You can get a part time job around school hours, perhaps even in the school. Both your kids will be in class. No reason for you to be sitting at home. Start now for a bit of independence as you can always chuck it in if your dc need you?

You have drug concerns but tbh your son is always going to be around people who experiment with drugs. That’s life. Sadly.
Is it likely he will ever be able to understand consequences? If not then it would appear you will never be able leave your husband as you don’t feel your dc could manage.

I think I will say very calmly with zero emotion, that hearing 'her' name brings back all the years of lying, going behind my back and either cheating or making every effort to cheat, with her.

Why say this, though?

Don't stay because your son needs extra help . You'll be with your husband forever if you think like that.

@Elieza I'm a nurse practitioner so school hours are not possible. DS is gradually getting more emotionally mature, and my hope is that eventually he will manage his life with more responsibility. He's very intelligent, but emotionally age 10/11 ☹️. I'm staying in the spare room for now, and H is a terrible snorer so that's a good enough reason.

@AnuvvaMuvva. I have lots of good friends, enjoy a social life via them and my hobbies, love my job and children and home, so H is actually quite a minor part of my life now. I am generally fairly happy if I take the marriage factor out of my life. Its only that which is such a disappointment, but H has been quite pleasant lately and this 'my dear friend' shit came out of the blue, as he's not mentioned her in months. The reason I want this ultimatum said is it should prevent him talking to me about her. I think he will take this onboard. I've no doubt he will still message her and Facebook her, but I don't care anyway, he always has. I just don't want to hear her name because I feel so disrespected by it.

I know it's a rubbish marriage and I know my bar is set too low, but it's bearable. I don't want to bail out and be in a worse position at this moment in time, but everything is in place to go if he every upsets me like this again.

but everything is in place to go if he every upsets me like this again.

You know it’s a case of when not if and he knows that too.

You want a materially comfortable life at the expense of an emotionally fulfilling one.....admit that openly.
Don't use the children or ADHD as an excuse for choosing materialism over self-respect.

As an adult with ADHD, i can tell you that children with ADHD are capable of seeing the 'consequences' of their behaviour.....they're not stupid.
You just have to spend more time and energy explaining and re-inforcing the message cos they 'forget' a lot more easily....because their minds/thinking process work a lot faster than average.

I think watching an incredibly unhealthy and disrespectful relationship is likely to have a negative effect on your son if he struggles with emotional maturity already.

And you're teaching him about consequences of actions if you leave.

Your husband's behaviour is arrogant, disrespectful and cruel. The consequence for him should be for him to no longer be married to someone who has been thus far loyal and forgiving.

@monkeymonkey2010 I don't want a materially comfortable life at the expense of a satisfying emotional one. Financially I would be fine once a divorce is settled although I would have to rent and struggle a bit initially with the kids being uprooted, which I'd prefer not to happen. H won't leave I know. I have friends and a social life that gives me emotional support. H isn't a monster, he simply doesn't love me or particularly like family life. It's his loss, and I have accepted it to the point I don't care. It's this ex fiancé shite which I've reached intolerance point with, that's upset me so much. I don't love him anymore, but he has good points and recently has been much nicer....until this 'dear friend' statement, which has opened some serious old wounds.

I don't need H, his money, or financial security, I can manage that in my own, it would just be hard at first.

Your experience of ADHD is your experience of ADHD. I've spend 11 years tearing my hair out trying to keep DS on the straight and narrow. The drugs issue is a real danger for a young teenager and if he ever tried hard drugs he would be hooked for life. H has ADD and an addictive personality and DS is like him in this respect. Keeping Ds away from these kids is a real challenge. He would be lost if he ever tried heroin. We live in a lovely area. DD is doing well and all the things I could ever hope for in a child, so DSs issues are nothing to do with his home life, he seeks out elements in society who push the boundaries. He needs stability and I can't give this if I'm working full time and not there as often. Do you think I haven't spent years explaining and reinforcing acceptable behaviour? DS only learns the hard way. This is what is true if him.

I do understand I am saying to H 'one last chance' and that is pathetic, but I do mean it. I just hope he understands I mean it. I think I'll remind him of the time he opened the decree nisi just in case he thinks there never will be consequences,

You don’t have to justify yourself OP. Life isn’t always B&W, and having children with ADHD or ADD can v much complicate things. Just wishing you well and hope you can create as fulfilling life as you can, whatever your future decisions.

@PassDo Thank you, lovely thing to say

Sorry OP but that made me laugh, if he doesn't think I'm serious I'll remind him of the time I started divorce proceedings but didn't go through with it, that'll show him that I mean it!

But in all seriousness it would drive me mad, especially since its been so long since they broke up! Hopefully you manage to leave him soon as he doesn't deserve you after the way he's been treating you.

I'll stay for now for my sons sake, but I am going to leave at some point and if I met a decent man, I would start divorce proceedings immediately

Please don't think meeting a new man would solve your issues. You will need time to heal, learn about abuse and settle your children. Your son would cope very badly with a new man if he struggles now.

It is common to think new relationship is the fix but it really will add to your troubles.

And if you get a "dear friend" of your own, will he walk and expedite your longer-term plan ... If he doesn't (does he need to know) why not?

She's a fantasy btw. If they both wanted to fe together, really wanted it .. they would've been a hundred times over by now. He's a fool.

I'd advocate new man on the Qt.

Or leave and new man but no family introductions, kept separate for a good long time.

H won't leave I know.

Couldn't you get him out of you're the main, resident parent to under eighteens and you go through legal means. Could you afford to pay mortgage with salary, Cm etc or is it a no go?

@GilbertMarkham I'm sure he would go for joint custody and fight me for the house. Easiest way would be to sell and both buy a smaller property. I'd need to work full time to pay the mortgage. I couldn't afford to buy him out. I did all the sums last time I started divorce proceedings. He said then his 'dear friend' would loan him the money to buy me out. Then she apparently backed out. (I'm sure there was more going on with them)Selling the house would be better, so I think he'd go for this. It depends on how he reacts to my ultimatum. I still can't bring myself to talk to him.

I don't think you should have to justify yourself on here alexa IMO you sound very strong, independent and focused. You will take action when the time is right for you and the DC.

God don't give him the drama. Next time he mentions her just say ' Well sadly you obviously weren't good enough for her. She obviously knew something I didnt'

Then walk off. Don't engage any further and work on getting your divorce sorted

You don't need a new man. You need to be on your own for a bit to heal from many long years of this cock dragging you down.