Sick to death of hearing about husbands old flame

[alexasaymyname]

DH and I, married 18 years, 2 kids, stable financially and fairly good standard of living. Both work, me part time.

When we met 20 years ago H had just been dumped by his fiancé, (never discussed reasons, break up etc). He did a good job convincing me he loved me, asked me to marry him on the second date (later admitted it was just a way to start having sex there and then, without a lot of dating). He was a very good boyfriend initially, flowers, cards etc, very loving, but there were a lot of red flags I didn't see. Selfish behaviour, possible chasing other girls, standing me up, 'white' lies etc, but by this time I was in love so did what we all do, and overlooked it. I was only 18 at the time.

This behaviour included visiting his ex fiancé who he'd been with for 2 years. I knew nothing of this until later.

The marriage has been Ok. Stable, but H continued to put job, hobbies, friends over me. I've just made my own friends, loved parenting and loved my job, so Hs lack of caring was less important. We still have sex, talk and do family things, but he isnt the love of my life as I thought and I was never his.

Throughout the marriage he has kept in contact with ex fiancé and I have no doubt would have left me in a second if she had said she'd have him. He's visited her a few times, but only tells me afterwards and not always then, I suspect. She didn't marry, had her own successful business and no kids.

H refers to her as 'my dear friend' and gives me updates on her life (like I give a fuck). I never respond and don't want to know.

H yesterday said 'my DF is getting married at last'. So DF is marrying a millionaire with a villa in Portugal etc etc et fucking cetera.

I blew up and told him about how I'm sick of the sound of her name, he never loved me only her (which is true). And walked off.

Silence from me. I can't bear to be in the room with him. I'm furious and want to say, never mention her again or I'm out the door.

Should I do this, or just continue to suck it up and hear about DF (dear fuckers) wonderful jet set lifestyle?

Sorry for the essay

Dump his arse. Also talk about a few of your ex's as well.

He never grew out of the bullying did he 😡

Get out. You aren’t doing your kids any favours by staying. You’re deluding yourself if you think they don’t see what a shit marriage you have. Do you want them to think it’s normal? Leave. Be happy. They’ll be happier too.

I don't have much solid advice to offer as it's all been said already. However will just say this, you seem like a woman who has totally got her shit together. You were horribly manipulated at a very young age and have been treated like shit ever since. A lot of women in your situation would not be capable of viewing the situation as objectively and clearly as you are currently doing. When you finally make your move, I don't doubt you will be happier and lead a fulfilling life. Kudos to you for emerging so strong from circumstances that would crush most people. He had tried to break your spirit, make you doubt your judgement and destroy your self esteem - and he's failed.

Stay strong OP. You got this...

I've spend 11 years tearing my hair out trying to keep DS on the straight and narrow. The drugs issue is a real danger for a young teenager Sorry to say this but you working full time is less likely to make him turn to drugs than being brought up in a shitty relationship. Teens know you're just staying "for them" and then they have to live with that guilt.

Also as an ex addict for me having my mum around me trying to keep me "on the straight and narrow" would have pushed me to try it sooner.

@BatleyTownswomensGuild Thank you. I'll confirm when we met I was hopelessly naive and gullible. I fell into accepting it as normal that my H would spend every weekend on his hobbies, while I sat at home, and that he was more interested in other people than me. I accepted I would take on all childcare and household responsibilities, even when I went back to work. Any attempt to get help from him was met by hostility, so I just became more capable of organising and managing. Arguments would upset me so much emotionally I just avoided at all costs. I know he used this to manipulate me into being what he wanted in a wife. Someone compliant, uncomplaining and a good manager.

Halfway through the marriage a realised that this was emotional abuse and I can now stand up for myself, never back down in an argument, and have taught him to be far more wary of acting so arrogantly. My job has really helped build my self respect and emotional strength, to the point I don't need his approval, friendship or anything else. The result is he actually behaves better most of the time.

I understand his bullying comes from insecurity and his childhood abuse. That doesn't excuse it. Not even 1%.

He behaves better now than he ever did. Helps with the kids more, generous with money, supportive of my job, but emotionally he's not there. Never has been for me. I know this and my love for him died years ago. He is a very complex person. Incredibly nice and thoughtful one day and the next distant, secretive and snappy. What I'm trying to do is live in the 'now' and forget the past, at least until I can leave. Bringing up this ExF drags me back to a period when love was lost for him, and everyone knows how painful that is. I'll never forgive him for taking away the opportunity I had to meet someone who was the love of my life and have a happy marriage. Now I'm not really interested in other men. I have male and female friends, I just don't feel I need another husband. I really do just live for my kids. I adore them, they are wonderful people. I don't believe they are harmed by my marriage. Ok they don't see loving parents, but they also don't see a harassed, working single parent either, or a mother, maybe with an unsuitable new partner. Sadly, I don't believe there is the perfect man out there for everyone.

@WaterOffADucksCrack I'm sorry you've had a bad experience, but it's your experience, not DSs. He has ADHD which makes him vulnerable to experimenting with drugs, and because of the friends he has. Talking to him does help. His social worker talking to him helped when he was younger. Making sure he comes home at a reasonable time and paying attention to who he is meeting with, taking him to GoApe, football, the gym and so on distracts and diverts him. A difficult divorce, house move, financial insecurity won't help him or me or DD.

H and I don't argue in front of the kids. I know this silence isn't helping, but I am calmer now, and will at some point tell H I don't want to hear her name or anything about her life again. No threats, no ultimatums. He knows he has upset me and I hope he takes it on board. If not I'm gone.

@Tealwater WTAF? Are you really saying ADHD is 'just an excuse for naughty children?' You couldn't be more wrong. It's a real condition that impairs people's lives.

My parents brought me up fairly well in some ways I think, so I did better than I otherwise would've done. Although it was hard, I got a good degree, but have never really been able to work. That's not their fault for having bought me up poorly so I was 'naughty.' (!)

ADHD meds are an evidence based treatment that help people with an illness achieve things they otherwise wouldn't achieve, and function better, completely the opposite of recreational drugs (unless they're abused by someone who doesn't have the condition.)

Everything you're saying is completely wrong.

@alexasaymyname Is your son on meds? It's worth a go. If he doesn't get on with one, there are others they can try.

You sound very calm and determined OP.
I wish you the best.
Focus on you and your kids and you can't go wrong for your future. Think what's best for you without considering him. He's had enough of you time and emotion.

@NoMoreDickheads I have personal experience with this (not just at school), so, no, I am not wrong. However that is all I am going to say on the issue.

@TealWater Who said I didn't try to communicate? Who said I didn't insist on counselling? We did those things, and all it clarified is the H simply didn't believe he was the problem, thought hobbies and activities outside his family should naturally take priority. The usefulness was that it showed me he just didn't really care about me and was so selfish he couldn't even see there was a problem. On one session he actually said (when I talked about spending every weekend on his hobbies) 'but it was a once in a lifetime experience'. I replied that a once in a lifetime should have been doing things with his new wife, then got up and left. You can communicate all you like but if the other person isn't listening, there's no point.

As for your views on ADHD I'm saying nothing more than it is beyond ignorant.

@NoMoreDickheads No, we discussed this with him and preferred counselling. He's not on the severe end of the scale, and I made sure the shit wasn't beaten out of him, like H had to suffer at the hands of his parents.

I refuse to hate H because hating is a wasted emotion and hurts me more. Kids and I will be OK. H's happiness is up to him.

Mind blowingly ignorant. It is medically proven that people with ADHD and similar have different brain structures to those who don’t. What you’ve said is disablist and you should be ashamed.

Instead of showing him that you're jealous of his ex, tell him how much you admire her! The girl recognized a loser, had the courage to dump him and DODGED A BULLET, and waited her whole life for someone who really deserved her.

And start planning for your fabulous single life, cause you too deserve better than this.

I really think people who don't know what is like to have teenagers with ADD or ADHD should back off, and stop telling OP what to do. Just ignore them OP, they probably have very limited experience of life but think they know it all. You sound like you understand your own life, and sounds like you are trying to make the best decision in a difficult situation. Unfortunately, on MN, as well as all the interesting and intelligent responses, you have to deal with the immature idiots who treat it like "LTB" sport. Ignore them, don't waste your energy. Heal your life yourself. I'm sure you'll find a way.

You are unhappy

The only person stopping you from starting a new life is yourself
There will never be "a good time to divorce", there will always be some excuse

Happiness and freedom are priceless

You are unhappy

No I'm not unhappy. I have lovely friends and family, beautiful children, a nice comfortable home. I enjoy my job and my hobbies.

I just do these things without a loving husband with me. Not having this is obviously sad, but it doesn't overwhelm me or play a big part in my life. I won't let it. He chose his path and I've now made mine.

What I am is furious that he still tries to get a reaction from me. I'm not jealous, just annoyed he thinks I will be. I'm getting over this now and can't even be bothered to bring up the subject. It does bring up memories of his deceptions, but I just don't care anymore.

Leaving him won't guarantee a wonderful man waiting for me. Won't guarantee I never have to deal with him because of the kids. Won't guarantee I can keep my son safe or my daughter in her current school.

Magic wand? Yes, I would make him disappear and employ a councillor to help my son, and win the lottery so that I don't have money worries. A new man would come bottom of the list 😀

OP stop justifying yourself to posters that believe they KNOW your feelings or know what your dc need, you don't need to.
I get where you are coming from in that you really want to tell your dickhead dh to stfu about his ex and why you don't want it to come across as jealousy but that is what he will twist it into.
If you really need to, which is your choice (I'd probably want to myself)
then I'd be tempted to throw in as a previous poster said - about her not wanting him, he wasn't good enough for her to marry etc... after the way he has treated you and behaved throughout your marriage I'd sincerely want to verbally kick him in the balls.
Good luck

This is crushing your self-esteem OP. You need to dump him

But you don't have a nice comfortable home if he's in it?
Focus and plan a future with you and the kids. One small step at a time.
You can predict how it would be post separation and post divorce with co parenting with your ex & your sons needs but you don't know for sure how the future will be. There are a lot of what ifs.
If you start small and make small changes, it will change for the better.
You don't need to justify yourself to MN. You came on here for support and most people agree with you that you will be better off without him.

@NoMoreDickheads I'm so glad you came through everything and have a good life. I think high intelligence seems to go with ADHD and I do think DS uses this to step back from the brink. He said he would never touch hard drugs because he's seen a friend in a bad way because of it and another one die, so maybe on this he doesn't need to learn the hard way.

I have all my plans in place for a life free of H. Don't worry about that. I just need to walk the tightrope a bit longer, but if he says her bloody name again I will tip on the side of divorce.