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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband keeps messaging other woman behind my back.

67 replies

Maisy2012 · 13/03/2020 13:19

Hi first time posting. So 3 years ago I had a message of a stranger on Facebook telling me my husband was sending her rude pictures of his u no what on snap chat. She sent me all the messages she asked him if he was single and he said he was seeing someone then said I’ll send u another pic later. He confessed to this as I had proof he promised me he would never do it again. Until a year later when I found out he had been messaging another mum from are children’s school. Her husband found the messages and told me in the play ground i still don’t no what was said all I could see is that he said to her was morning sexy. I kicked him out for a few weeks he promised it would never happen again and said he can’t believe he could be so stupid. I forgive him and told him If anything like this happens again then I would never forgive him. Then last year two weeks before Christmas I recieved another message on Facebook of my neighbours boyfriend telling me my husband had been messaging his girl friend since 2018 and that they had done oral together 🤮 he told me they was arranging to get together why I was away. My husband is denying any of this is true saying that her boyfriend is a freak. But I can not believe this is not true as it has happened in the past. He’s not been living with me for 3 months now since I got these messages. It’s so hard as we have been together 10 years married for 5 and have two young children.
We have been to a marriage councillor and he is still saying that it’s not true he confessed to the other two times saying he was stupid and it was just the excitement of it all but he’s never done anything physical with anyone before.
I suppose I am looking for advice Has anyone ever been in this situation and got over it?

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 13/03/2020 13:26

OP he has form for this so why wouldn't it be true? He cannot be trusted. Time and time again you've warned him and then taken him back. He doesn't see any consequences to his actions. He will be assuming you'll take him back again this time too. Sorry but I wouldn't care if it was true or not, get rid of him for good. He is a total sleaze.

12345kbm · 13/03/2020 13:39

OP you're in an open relationship. As long as you are with this man, you'll be in an open relationship as he's been cheating on you, probably since you've been with him.

He isn't worrying about the relationship ending because if he did, he wouldn't risk the relationship by cheating. He doesn't care about you OP.

If you want to remain in an open relationship, then I suggest you use condoms and get checked for STDs because if he's been sleeping around he may have infected you with someone. You can get STDs from oral as well. Get checked on a regular basis as he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

In the meantime, perhaps look at doing some therapy in order to work out why your bar for a relationship and self esteem is so low.

Tl;dr - he's a cheat, he's not going to change. Accept that or move on.

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 13/03/2020 14:00

How could your neighbour's boyfriend know to make up a lie so similar to your DH's past cheating? That's what makes me think it's TRUE. He could have lied about anything, but he said your DH had been messaging his GF which your DH has previous form for. All it takes is for one of those women to accept his creepy offers and it looks like one did. Based on that I think its true Flowers

Original poster
Maisy2012 · 13/03/2020 14:09

My husband knows this man from years ago when he was at school 15 years ago he said they have never got on. I just don’t understand why 15 years later this man would want to do this. X

OP posts:
caffeinefix · 13/03/2020 14:12

Could you ever trust him again?

Original poster
Maisy2012 · 13/03/2020 14:18

That’s the thing I don’t no I’ve asked him to come off social media which he has and he lets me see his phone when I ask x

OP posts:
Isitsixoclockalready · 13/03/2020 14:20

This bloke sounds mega untrustworthy. If that was my wife - not that I'd put myself in that position - I'd have been out of the door on the first occasion.

Isitsixoclockalready · 13/03/2020 14:21

I should say, if I'd done that to my wife, I'd have been kicked out on the first occasion.

caffeinefix · 13/03/2020 14:21

It sounds very hard but he has past form for it. A leopard never changes its spots. Thanks

Lippy1234 · 13/03/2020 14:24

Three different people have contacted you and told you your H is messaging other women. I bet he’s messaged lots of other women too.

EKGEMS · 13/03/2020 14:39

He might have another phone he's sending the messages on to who knows how many women?

champagneandfromage50 · 13/03/2020 14:42

who cares whether the last incident is true or not...he has shown you who he is. The reason for his denial this time is because you have no proof. Why dont you make a choice whether your happy to be with a man who behaves like this and is untrustworthy. Its a horrible way to live

madcatladyforever · 13/03/2020 14:46

He sent dick pics to someone.....yuck. He sounds like the worst kind of man.

DPotter · 13/03/2020 14:51

Given how wary people are of telling a spouse their other half is cheating, I think there's a high chance your husband has been trying his luck with many women other than the 3 you know about.
Ditch him otherwise he'l just keeping chasing other women as he'll know you're a soft touch and don't follow through on your ultimatums.

Sorry - this is really awful for you

Claire926 · 13/03/2020 14:58

Time for a divorce, he is disrespectful to you and your children. He is also risking your health by doing oral with others. When someone is given another chance they know that what they have done has been accepted. I doubt all of these people contacting you on social media are lying, why would they want the drama.

LemonBreeland · 13/03/2020 15:16

I agree with everyone else. This man is NEVER going to be faithful to you. It's up to you whether you want to set such a low bar for your marriage that you accept that and continue.

And as others have said, fi you've been informed three times, you have to wonder how many times he has done it.

dottiedodah · 13/03/2020 15:16

I think he sounds guilty Im afraid ! Why would everyone make things up like this ? He is not wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with you .You deserve more than being a fall back! See a divorce Solicitor and get your ducks in a row .

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/03/2020 15:18

He's a serial cheat and an accomplished liar....run for the hills op.

Ten years don't really mean anything when there's only one of your participating in the marriage.

Unfortunately he's another one of those individuals with a validation void and a the attention span of a goldfish. These types selfishly sign up to a monogomy they know they will never honour.

Forget another 10 years of this shite, there are plenty of people who have the capacity to keep their bits to themselves.

ChristmasFluff · 13/03/2020 17:21

You know of 2 times it definitely happened, a 3rd it happened but he's denying it - but he's a liar, and as you say, why would this man do this?

And these times you know of will be the tip of the iceberg. What about all the women who didn't contact you?

He's so sleazy. Surely 10 years with a sleaze is enough?

Pandamoore · 13/03/2020 17:33

Boke.

OP he sounds like a pervert. As well as a cheat and a liar.

It isn't up to you to 'get over it'. Why would you even consider that at this point.

He's a disgusting man and the further you can get from him, the better.

Don't think of it as years wasted. At least you have two lovely kids out of it. But dont waste your life with the creep by staying a second longer.

He will never respect you. No amount of therapy can get someone without respect to suddenly develop it. Its innate. Or in his case, it isn't. Teach your children to value self respect. Wall away. Hell, run. No more chances.

Walnutwhipster · 13/03/2020 17:37

If you've been told three times there's probably thirty poor women this letch has pestered. He's vile.

lmcneil003 · 13/03/2020 18:13

What a dirty perv.
Either accept it or walk away. The second will be easier...

33goingon64 · 13/03/2020 18:15

Thought it said "massaged" in the title. Sorry, not helpful, but that might have been worse...

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/03/2020 18:18

He's confessed to the other two because they're 'only' messages. He knows that cheating physically crosses a different boundary. You can't believe a word he says.

Taetoes · 13/03/2020 18:26

He will never change, no matter what promises he makes to you. People like him are on the constant look out for boosts to their fragile little ego. Your self esteem and confidence will continue to be eaten away the longer you stay with him.
No man is worth losing your self respect over Flowers

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