Husband keeps messaging other woman behind my back.

[Maisy2012]

Hi first time posting. So 3 years ago I had a message of a stranger on Facebook telling me my husband was sending her rude pictures of his u no what on snap chat. She sent me all the messages she asked him if he was single and he said he was seeing someone then said I’ll send u another pic later. He confessed to this as I had proof he promised me he would never do it again. Until a year later when I found out he had been messaging another mum from are children’s school. Her husband found the messages and told me in the play ground i still don’t no what was said all I could see is that he said to her was morning sexy. I kicked him out for a few weeks he promised it would never happen again and said he can’t believe he could be so stupid. I forgive him and told him If anything like this happens again then I would never forgive him. Then last year two weeks before Christmas I recieved another message on Facebook of my neighbours boyfriend telling me my husband had been messaging his girl friend since 2018 and that they had done oral together 🤮 he told me they was arranging to get together why I was away. My husband is denying any of this is true saying that her boyfriend is a freak. But I can not believe this is not true as it has happened in the past. He’s not been living with me for 3 months now since I got these messages. It’s so hard as we have been together 10 years married for 5 and have two young children.
We have been to a marriage councillor and he is still saying that it’s not true he confessed to the other two times saying he was stupid and it was just the excitement of it all but he’s never done anything physical with anyone before.
I suppose I am looking for advice Has anyone ever been in this situation and got over it?

Those won't be the only 3 for certain. Run away op. You deserve better than a cheater.

The problem is you cant control his behaviour your never going to trust him so why be with him. He is not going to be faithful to you so why stay with him. You deserve better. He doeent love or respect you. Do you respect your self ?

He wouldn't. It's a load of rubbish. He's cheating on you and it's never going to change.

How can you be happy at all in this relationship?

He thinks so little of you that he’s sexting mothers in the playground of your children’s school! He doesn’t even care if it gets back to you, he’s confident you’ll let him off and he can continue exactly as he pleases.

Honestly OP, don’t waste any more time with this loser. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and cherishes you - or to be alone and happy.

Life has got to be better than settling for a dirty cheater like him. I know it’s hard but put your own happiness above his comfort.

Thank u all it’s so hard I feel like I can’t think about anything else. He’s saying it will never happen again he’s still denying anything has happened except she did send him a rude message but he deleted it but didn’t tell me. I know he’s A liar he has cried begged me to take him back and told me he loves me he just wants us to be back together again but I just don’t trust him he’s said I can look at his phone anytime I want but I just feel like am controlling him.

In my experience if people claim they've just done oral when they have to say something, they've actually gone the whole way.

Either way, you can't trust him OP xxx

Why are you putting effort into this man?

I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ maybe cuz we have been together so long and the kids. R relationship was always good well I thought it was we never really argued we got on well. He said he wasn’t un happy either n he doesn’t no why he’s done it just the excitement of it all.

Are we dating the same man ? This is the way ive been treated and all they do is lie their way out and we love them so we beleive it !! He is a cheat and he will never stop and can bet your life on it if he did all this while living with you , that he is doing it a million more times , I got to point I didn't want mine to go anywhere as was so paranoid but he did it right in front of my face so what is point checking up on him all the time . It will destroy your confidence and make you insane . Stop giving him everything he wants and be on your own you deserve so much more than this pathetic excuse of a man . Xx

You can tell him to come off social media, see marriage counselling- whatever you like, but it won’t change that he hasn’t an ounce of respect for you and would be unfaithful given a chance.

How many times are you going to put up with this?? I can’t believe you still want the scummy bloke! Gross! Nobody deserves such a shit husband.

Either A) get some self respect and leave him or B) get used to and accept the fact he will carry on cheating.

Your choice.

I wouldn't waste my time trying to get evidence and he'd be gone but I understand you want to be sure.

Can you ask the BF to show proof? Ie any messages?

@Maisy2012
I put up with similar crap for 17 years, do not be like me and waste your life away.

The first time I caught my husband and I threatened to leave he threatened to kill himself and that set the tone for our whole marriage.
He started in our first year of marriage.

Time and time again he did it but they get clever, they delete messages etc but then they get lax and forget and you find out again.
My husband promised and promised to stop, he cried and begged but he didnt stop.

After 9 years of marriage and after catching him for the umpteenth time I started making plans to leave 8 years later when our daughter turned 18.

At that point I stopped checking his phone or emails but in 2018 when our daughter was 15 I caught him again and this time I ended the marriage.

We are now divorced and he is really struggling with the fact I left him, he thought I would put up with.
In his words 'it was an ego boost and he would never have left me for any of the women'

Men like him and like your ex never change, they are always looking for that thrill and ego boost.

He does not value you or respect you.
Please respect and value yourself and give up on your marriage.

The only reason he is not admitting the oral sex is because there is no proof, if there was such as messages he would admit it.

@sortingitout thanks for reply yes my husband has also said he’s going to kill himself I cry everyday worrying about being on my own money etc or finding him dead the kids not having a dad. It’s so hard cuz for some stupid reason I love him x

It seems rather a coincidence to me that he has confessed to the incidents for which you have evidence, but is denying the one for which you do not.

Your so ground down by what you think a good relationship is that you even believe it's love? Love, really? It's likely fear and anxiety of being on your own that you truly fear. Don't worry your DC will repeat the cycle and either be serial cheats or get married to one as that is there norm

You must leave this man because he will never change. I had a fwb situation with a married man once. I’m not proud of it but I was in a bad place at the time. He was a father at my children’s school. It lasted 6 months and he even wanted me to go round to his to do it that’s how little he respected his wife. I soon came to my senses then found out he had also been doing it with another parent at the school too. Point being these men are selfish creatures. He will never be faithful. And it’s absolutely nothing to do with you. But he won’t change. U really should leave.

I'm sorry he's putting you through this. Make plans to end this relationship. Ask for support irl. Checking phones means he will just hide it better or get a different phone. There are secret calculator apps you can hide stuff on, you go into the calculator and type in a code and use it to message and hide sex photos. Rather than torturing yourself like this, end it. He's not going to change and will always treat any partner like shit on his shoe. Don't let it be you

Surely you mean your stbexh?

@Maisy2012
Since we split my ex husband has tried to end his life 3 times I think its attention seeking and he has no intention if actually ending his life.

My marriage was full of this kind of emotional abuse and it has been carrying on but after the 2nd suicide attempt I went low contact as he was using me as a crutch too much while also stalking and harassing me.

The 3rd time he attempted it he text me from A & E and I left him to it.
I will no longer be drawn in and have better boundaries now.

If your husband kills himself it will have been his own decision and you must not feel any guilt. Its emotional blackmail to keep you right where he wants you.

As for the money thing, you need to value yourself more.
You are implying that while he brings in money and you have a good life he can do what he likes.

Do you have any particular concerns about money that you could post about and we will try to help?

You might love him right now but is that because he is a good provider and dad and you dont know any different or do you really love him because honestly I'm surprised, he cheated on you 3 times that you know of and in all honestly he would have messaged loads of women.

Do you think you are modelling healthy relationship boundaries to your kids? They will end up thinking this is how relationships work, that it's ok to treat people this way or be treated this way.

"But I love him" is tale as old as time and doesn't mean anything.

I loved my ex. He still hit me. I stayed far too long "because I loved him" and he had stripped me of my confidence.

Eventually I left. So I know it's hard, but I also know that love isn't enough.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you if his excuse for this behaviour is that he liked the excitement. Think about it...

He was excited to do something that would hurt you. He saw how devastated you were.

He was excited to do it again. He saw how devastated you were that time again.

He was excited to do it again. You're devastated again. Do you see a bit of a pattern there?

And do you really think that the two now three but you don't seem able to accept that times he's been caught out are the only times he's done it? It's who he is.

He's so arrogant he thinks he can treat you like shit and you'll stay. Don't you want to prove him wrong?

He’s only threatening to kill him self to guilt you into staying. And what kind of example are you giving your children as to what a relationship is like. Seeing their mum crying everyday and hearing arguments. (and they will be more aware than you think(?

Thing is it really doesn’t matter if he loves you the moon and back, I doubt you feel the same about him as you did , have no reason to trust and that’s enough to end it.

@Honeyroar that’s why he’s not living with me and hasn’t been for the last three months because I don’t want to be arguing infront of the children that’s what I fear the most them over hearing anything. X

He's a faithless prick, and you deserve so much better. He is so inadequate as a man and as a husband- please don't take any more of his lying shit. Have some respect for yourself. Enough now.