Issues with SO and sex not the best? Is your SO the best you’ve ever had?

[Poppygirl96]

It’s a long story but basically I’ve been going back and forth with this in my head for such a long time.

My fiancé and I have been together for over two years and have an amazing 3 month old son together. However I have always put off a wedding as I always get scared/anxious when it comes to thinking about us finally getting married.

My fiancé is not the best sex I have ever had. I told him this gently one day as it came up in a conversation we were having about our sex and problems in our relationship. He was hurt but came to terms with it because he loves me.

Sex is very important to me in a relationship so we have been trying to work on it and switch things up (which admittedly we’ve only started now as I hid a lot of my problems with our sex life before and only truly revealed now how I feel as I was scared my fiancé would be too hurt at the time and simply leave and not try and work on things, and I was worried I could be potentially losing a great guy.) And now because of our son and his job it’s not as easy to become really passionate and work on stuff and I am a SAHM.

My most pleasurable sex was with my ex where it was more lustful hot and heavy but he was a horrible narcissistic person who never gave me stability and wouldn’t have worked long term as we had not much in common and we were only together because of the sex.

With my fiancé he is a stable, caring, lovely guy who has a great job and takes care of me and our son and we get on like a house on fire, with so much in common and laugh like there is no tomorrow.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to enjoy sex at the beginning with us (he is a bit smaller than I am
used to and more of a grower than a show-er) but I gave it a chance, and as it was new and lustful I really enjoyed it and so decided to continue the early relationship but then the novelty wore off and it became very routine.

My fiancé is not the most understanding person about certain romantic and emotional things as he grew up in a very strict “get on with life” household and that has moulded his personally as he has grown up. He is always there for me physically and tries to do the best he can for our family financially and is the most loyal and trustworthy person I have ever met.

However, he doesn’t do things for me instinctively/doesn’t know how to be there for me when I need him at times that are more than just money or just being physically around and I have felt alone through certain tough times such as in my career when I was working or my pregnancy as he was always trying to find answers for those issues rather than just being understanding and being there for me emotionally.

Because of this this combined with him not being the best sex of my life it has made me scared to pursue marriage. I didn’t really see a lot of this stuff as we were dating because we had a long distance relationship for a while and then we ended up pregnant shortly after getting engaged.

I don’t want to lose him and the stability and familiar comfort he brings but don’t know what to do.

Having our son distracted me for a while but now he’s a bit older and sleeping better I have had more time to myself and have started to see clearly now. I recently told my fiancé I was unhappy in our relationship because of the sex and emotional disconnection and because I love him I am hoping things will change and he has promised to try. I really don’t want to end things with him and I’m desperate to try and work these things out but worry that they might not. Looking back he has always been like this and I never really realised and now wonder if it’s too late for him to change.

Is sex with your SO the best you’ve ever had and if not is it ok to feel like your settling on certain things because of what else your partner brings to the table? Any advice please?

Have you told him and showed him what you like sexually?

It sounds like your issues go beyond sex. As soon as someone uses the words “stable, caring and lovely” to describe their partner (particularly in a short relationship like yours) it sounds doomed, tbh. You might love him for those things but for a relationship to work long term you do have to enjoy the sex and work on that level as well.

When you say he says he’ll try, what does he mean by that? You need to communicate - you should be telling him what you want and he should be asking (and vice versa.) If he isn’t then it sounds like he’s not interested in making things better, and you can’t improve a relationship where one person isn’t bothered.

And yes, sex with current boyfriend is among the best I’ve had (am non-monogamous so also having very good sex elsewhere so slightly different situation) and that’s mostly about us communicating properly, knowing what the other enjoys, and being interested in the other’s pleasure.

Is it actually stuff he can do something about: technique and perhaps working on social skills. Or is it size, chemistry and his personality? 🤔

It's rather unfair to put it on him to change himself radically, if it's the latter.

You sound like hard work. Do him a favour and leave him so he can find someone who appreciates him.

Yeah it's easy for sex to be "great" when you're in a hysterical bonding, unstable etc situation.

Sex is always "good" with men like that because you're never secure with them, always still trying to win them and bind them to you, the opposite of when you're in a good, stsble relationship with someone whose love & commitment you're not insecure about and always trying to secure.

That's an emotional (and pretty dysfunctional) side to sex. Technically surely your DH can learn, the other stuff is dysfunctional and something you need to recognise. The age old dilemma of wanting what you (already) have.

*not always trying to decide

@Musti I have but he just doesn’t get it, it takes him a very long time to really remember what I like during bed and I have to constantly show him, sometimes I wish he would just get it as it last a turn off constantly having to move his hands during sex or tell him what I want during sex and makes me frustrated. I’ve only started now telling him what I like so maybe I’ll have to give him more time.

You have a 3 month old baby.So why didn’t you tackle this before starting a family?

From his POV, he was with a woman who seemed to enjoy sex just fine, then after she had a child with him she told him it was all lies, and now if he wants to stay with the mother of his child he has to follow her instructions and do stuff that does not come naturally to him at all during sex. I imagine this whole situation is a huge turn-off for him, but especially the lies, the pressure and being compared to previous lovers. Poor guy.

Have you asked him if he still wants to get married? What a crap situation for him to be in.

@TheVanguardSix I was afraid, he was my first ever serious relationship and I didn’t know that we weren’t very compatible and I told him a lot of these emotional and sexual issues before in our relationship and he promised he would change but hasn’t. And I thought things would change over time

It was very cruel for you to tell your fiancé he’s not the best sex you’ve had. The poor guy wants to marry you, you have a child together, why would you feel the need to do that?
Do you tend to sabotage your relationships?
Tbh you sound a very self centred person, Im amazed he’s still there.

I think the poor bloke deserves a break. I am sending him all the hugs, he sounds lovely. I hope he meets someone who thinks he is the best at everything.

Yeesh op, you actually told him your ex was better in bed with him???

I am known for my frankness but even I would never say something like that to someone... not least my SO!

If you've only just started telling him what you like in bed, then you cant really fault him, can you? You weren't communicating with him, how was he to know? My dp and I have always had good chemistry, but it still took a good few months of very frank feedback before he had all his techniques down pat in terms of what I prefer... if you want this to work, you need to be patient, loving, open and communicative regarding sex, for a few.months at least, I assume you arent having sex every day since you have a very small baby so I'd imagine it will take a while for him to gain some skill and confidence according to your feedback...

I'm sorry but you come off as quite selfish in a strange way... you got with this guy, he wasn't actually what you wanted, you didnt tell him for ages and ages, he thought everything was fine, turns out actually the whole time he was dating someone who wasn't satisfied with him, AND who wouldn't tell him why or what to do... now you've lost your patience with him for not reading your mind... it's not good op. Grownups shouldn't behave this way.

Communicate with your partner, treat him as a partner not a person who is supposed to please you, give it time, and have enough humility not to be irritated with someone for not being a mind reader tbh.

Yes my current SO is the best. It’s not the most varied (he doesn’t like oral which I love) but yes it’s the best. I’ve dumped guys before for bad/shit sex but way before marriage/kids and def no engagement. I’m not sure why you let this continue. If the sex is bad and you’ve tried to work on it with no improvement then you should have finished the relationship way before this point! It’s not fair on him or you. You aren’t sexually compatible. You needed to date more people.

DH is definitely the best I've ever had, even at the beginning. Sometimes it's really lustful, other times it's giggly, but its always ALWAYS fun! OP if you're not happy with your other half, and it sounds like you're not, don't marry him. You shouldn't ever tie yourself to someone in such a serious way if you are not 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt sure about them.

Your poor SO, OP! Exactly how would you expect him to feel after telling him he’s a crap shag?!

You shouldn't ever tie yourself to someone in such a serious way if
She already has...

Im amazed he’s still there.
Most people start out trying to save it.

I do not know how he puts up with you and I do not expect he will ever measure up. Poor man.

I too feel sorry for him. If my dh told me I wasn’t the best shag he’d had I’d be out the door.

Your ex may have been good in bed but he was a knob, so remember that. Could you possibly have “the ick” with your DP or is it just that he’s not good in bed?

My bf is very good with the foreplay but can't do my favourite position, I have to "make do" with second favourite :)
Exh had never heard of foreplay but was very well built, could do my favourite position and could go on and on like the Duracell bunny.
Exbf was smaller and not very capable at all, but I had the hots for him so it didn't make much difference 😂

Sex is not always the same, both people have to learn how to have the best sex they can together: it will be different every time. Unfortunately OP started out on the wrong foot by not being honest. But now, OP, it sounds as if you are being quite rigid about what your dh is supposed to do? Or have you tried anything different yourself?

IDK why people are having a go at you necessarily OP. Whether you were wrong in how you phrased it to your OH we wouldn't know, but you had to tell him you're unhappy, or the thing is doomed.

I've read in other threads that some women with smaller guys find extenders helpful www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/penis-extenders-enlargers/penis-extensions/?category=penis-sleeves,vibrating-penis-extensions,vibrating-penis-sleeves

The words you use to describe your SO- lovely, stable etc, when used without other more charismatic descriptors, tend to be words women use when they don't find their partner particularly attractive in one way or another.

The lack of emotional support must also be frustrating.

I don't think he's the one for you. xxx

He sounds selfish in bed. It's soul destroying and belittling to constantly be trying to show him what you like and he still isn't doing it or remembering for the next time. The harsh truth is: he isn't bothered about your pleasure. Pleasing another person is supposed to be a turn on. Satisfying sex is where both people mutually make the effort with the other.
I wasted a few years of my life with someone who towards the end was quite open about saying he didn't really enjoy sex, only had it for a quick release and found vaginas 'eww'. Yes, 'eww'. In the years leading up to it, I had tried and tried with him and he just wasn't 'getting it'. Sex felt like a chore with him but the day he admitted I was a glorified wank sock to him (for his quick release) I felt relief in finally ending it.

So - you let him believe sec was fine as you didn't want him to leave you. After your child was a little older and you had more time to think , you decided to tell him he isn't as good in bed as your ex and now you're sick of having to explain to him what you want.

Wow - you're a sweetie aren't you ?

The poor guy is probably terrified and simply can't perform because he's in shock after learning that you lied to him for 2 years