Issues with SO and sex not the best? Is your SO the best you’ve ever had?

[Poppygirl96]

It’s a long story but basically I’ve been going back and forth with this in my head for such a long time.

My fiancé and I have been together for over two years and have an amazing 3 month old son together. However I have always put off a wedding as I always get scared/anxious when it comes to thinking about us finally getting married.

My fiancé is not the best sex I have ever had. I told him this gently one day as it came up in a conversation we were having about our sex and problems in our relationship. He was hurt but came to terms with it because he loves me.

Sex is very important to me in a relationship so we have been trying to work on it and switch things up (which admittedly we’ve only started now as I hid a lot of my problems with our sex life before and only truly revealed now how I feel as I was scared my fiancé would be too hurt at the time and simply leave and not try and work on things, and I was worried I could be potentially losing a great guy.) And now because of our son and his job it’s not as easy to become really passionate and work on stuff and I am a SAHM.

My most pleasurable sex was with my ex where it was more lustful hot and heavy but he was a horrible narcissistic person who never gave me stability and wouldn’t have worked long term as we had not much in common and we were only together because of the sex.

With my fiancé he is a stable, caring, lovely guy who has a great job and takes care of me and our son and we get on like a house on fire, with so much in common and laugh like there is no tomorrow.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to enjoy sex at the beginning with us (he is a bit smaller than I am
used to and more of a grower than a show-er) but I gave it a chance, and as it was new and lustful I really enjoyed it and so decided to continue the early relationship but then the novelty wore off and it became very routine.

My fiancé is not the most understanding person about certain romantic and emotional things as he grew up in a very strict “get on with life” household and that has moulded his personally as he has grown up. He is always there for me physically and tries to do the best he can for our family financially and is the most loyal and trustworthy person I have ever met.

However, he doesn’t do things for me instinctively/doesn’t know how to be there for me when I need him at times that are more than just money or just being physically around and I have felt alone through certain tough times such as in my career when I was working or my pregnancy as he was always trying to find answers for those issues rather than just being understanding and being there for me emotionally.

Because of this this combined with him not being the best sex of my life it has made me scared to pursue marriage. I didn’t really see a lot of this stuff as we were dating because we had a long distance relationship for a while and then we ended up pregnant shortly after getting engaged.

I don’t want to lose him and the stability and familiar comfort he brings but don’t know what to do.

Having our son distracted me for a while but now he’s a bit older and sleeping better I have had more time to myself and have started to see clearly now. I recently told my fiancé I was unhappy in our relationship because of the sex and emotional disconnection and because I love him I am hoping things will change and he has promised to try. I really don’t want to end things with him and I’m desperate to try and work these things out but worry that they might not. Looking back he has always been like this and I never really realised and now wonder if it’s too late for him to change.

Is sex with your SO the best you’ve ever had and if not is it ok to feel like your settling on certain things because of what else your partner brings to the table? Any advice please?

I can’t believe you actually told him that, poor bloke.

@chatterbugmegastar I didn’t lie for two years, I told him plenty of times what I like during bed and I told him last year we had a big massive discussion and he told me he would make an effort and change but nothing has and I’ve been holding out for what isn’t seeming to ever going to be there

@rvby I didn’t specifically say it in black and white and I was very delicate about how I worded it and I said that there were other things that my partner was better at such as oral and that I just wanted to work on getting this better

@category12 when I met him he was taking care of his health, really fit and healthy and now it’s like he’s taken me for granted. He has gained a lot of weight, stopped eating healthy, stopped making an effort to do the things he did before and doesn’t seem to try and reciprocate when I go down on him or make more of an effort on my side during sex. That along side his emotional issues has meant I’m feeling differently now

@ravenmum I think we both know that it’s highly unlikely we are going to ever get married

I hid a lot of my problems with our sex life before and only truly revealed now how I feel
I’ve only started now telling him what I like so maybe I’ll have to give him more time
This is the part that I think would make him feel as if you were not being honest to him previously.

@JKScot4 I do tend to sabotage relationships if it’s going really well and then I feel somethings off and don’t know how to stop spiralling out of control

Tbh if my partner told me their ex was better in bed I don't think I'd be rushing to do everything they wanted. I don't think I'd be able to move past that and it will kill our sex life.

You describe him in very unromantic ways. Stability and familiarity? He isn't the one for you so do him a massive favour and let him go.

I think we both know that it’s highly unlikely we are going to ever get married
My question about whether he wanted to marry was in response to your OP, in which you said twice that you are scared to marry him, as if that was still a possibility.

I wish he was my partner, I can't be bothered with acrobatic sex either, most men are totally obsessed, it seems unfair you've picked the one that isn't.

You describe him in very unromantic ways. Stability and familiarity? He isn't the one for you so do him a massive favour and let him go.

Its not as simple as that is it, they have a child.

And now he also has a massive complex.

I wonder if you’d like it if he was criticising your appearance 3 mths after giving birth? You are not a nice person.

@NoMoreDickheads there’s absolutely no way he’d go for a penis extender that’s just the absolute worst thing I could suggest he’d be so embarrassed especially after everything we have discussed :(

No, and I don’t care because there are many more important things in a relationship than sex. You sound young, and I don’t mean that in a bad way, but I will never believe that hot sex is more important than a loving, caring, stable partner.

In the truest sense of the word (i.e. this is not intended as an insult), you sound quite immature. Are you very young with very little/no experience of committed relationships? You are talking as though this were a long-established relationship, about how you have "always put off a wedding" and "finally getting married", when actually this is a short relationship and has obviously been something of a whirlwind if you already have a 3 month old child together. I'm wondering if you've only ever experienced relatively short-lived, passionate relationships, and this is your first taste of what a relationship is like once the honeymoon phase is over and real life kicks back in.

At this point, you have created a family. There will be lots of people who will tell you to chase your own happiness at any cost and leave, but I disagree. Whilst I think it's usually misguided to stay in an abusive or genuinely unhappy relationship for the sake of children, your little boy deserves better than for you to break up his family simply because you're a bit bored. Your boyfriend deserves better than to spend at least half his time without his child because you've decided that despite being a great partner in so many ways, actually he's rubbish in bed and you want to find someone else. The time to throw the relationship away over something like this was BEFORE you made a child together. Sex shouldn't be your priority now.

Sex only becomes an issue if your needs are not met. If you manage to get your needs met by either improving sex with your husband or going into a non-monogamous arrangement then there's no point in losing all the other great aspects of your married life. Ultimately though it's your decision and you have to trust your instincts on this one.

IWantT0BreakFree I disagree. Children's wellbeing is important but parents' happiness and wellbeing is important too. Being bored is a nice problem to have as far as problems go but over many years, if not addressed, it will grow to have a huge negative impact on the relationship, and eventually on the child too.

You told him your ex was better at oral??
The poor guy!
Imagine if that was the other way around.

It sounds like you have worked hard to sabotage this relationship already op.

I feel for him, you've really been quite cruel and it sounds like he was never the right person for you.

You've changed your story a bit now that folk are calling you out. If he really has just been lazy and has been taking you for granted, etc., and you've already had the big discussion, and nothing is improving... ok well then it sounds like you should end it.

I get the sense you are here to get permission for sabotaging the relationship... which is sad, but if you have already decided you don't want the guy, then rip the plaster off and get on with it, I suppose. Nothing anyone say to you here will stop you from doing what you've already decided to do.

Why didn't you just leave before you had yourself a child with the man?????

I thought people had children once they thought : ohhhh yeeehh, this is it, amazing bang-bang times. Also! Stability etc. can be hugely attractive as you lose all inhibitions and, actually, feel safe to just be yourself and let loose. Stability and hot and heavy are not mutually exclusive.

Seems like you took "settling down" in the literal sense i.e. prepare for life to be a snoozefest now because we're "responsible adults". Zzzzzz. Life does NOT need to be that way. You can still be havong the time of your life and be perfectly responsible.

You've already had the baby with him. Instead of feeling frustrated, I think you should turn yourself on in front of him as part of trying to bolster his confidence and show that you think he's really sexy and that you want to get off. People usually want to make a real effort in bed when they feel that the other person thinks they're the sexiest thing ever. You make all the give/take sound like a chore, and then you rap him on his fingers like a school teacher when he doesn't mechanically do x y z to give you an orgasm. When you are really in the throes of horniness,it can be surprising what does give you an orgasm. You have to love and desire your partner for thay though, abd want to go on an adventure together. Sex can be a lot more than just tit for tat.

I totally get why it would take you a while to get round to talking with someone about this. It doesn't mean you were 'lying' in a bad way, you just didn't want to upset him, or even risk the relationship.

Then maybe eventually youfelt you had to say something.

think you should turn yourself on in front of him as part of trying to bolster his confidence and show that you think he's really sexy

@livefornaps She doesn't tho Which is fine, if you don't find someone wildly sexy then you don't find them wildly sexy. Just a shame when they're your OH.

@DesperateElf my opinion is obviously coloured by my own experiences and that of my family. My husband has spent years in counselling and struggling with his mental health as a result of issues that stem from his parents' divorce so I don't subscribe to the idea that divorce doesn't affect kids or that they always get over it easily and get used to their new circumstances. I know that's not what you've said, I'm just explaining why I hold the opinions that I do. I think a touch of boredom and a sense that the grass might be a bit greener is not enough to justify causing potential lifelong trauma to your children. Unfortunately sometimes you have to accept that you have committed to your family and that they deserve your loyalty. I can't see that OP thinking her boyfriend is unexciting in bed (against the backdrop of them having a fun, stable relationship as she has described) is going to adversely affect her child. If the relationship was an unhappy one or there was abuse then yes, absolutely, but she isn't describing an unhappy home. Her only issue is that their sex life is dull.

@Aerial2020 no I told him (my fiancé) was better at oral than previous exes and he was the best I ever had in that aspect

@rvby I am quite young I’ve never been in a proper serious relationship apart from my ex which was years before this one (In between that I’ve only been used to casual sex) so I didn’t know things that I know now. And it sucks because I do genuinely love my fiancé which is why we had a baby and why we progressed so far into our relationship but now after reading all of these responses I have realised I am not IN love with my fiancé like I should be. The things that I possibly saw before in the relationship that weren’t going to work I thought we’re things that could be worked out in a relationship naturally and that they’d take time I didn’t realise that they should be there already. And that’s were h immaturity and naivety came into play. Whenever I felt something was wrong, friends and family would tell me that I am thinking the grass is greener or that I don’t know what I want or that I should force things and make it work so I thought it was all in my head what I was feeling. I needed outside opinions from people who don’t know me to see if I really am going crazy.

@ravenmum yeah he’s always wanted to marry me. I told him that I wanted to be married one day so that’s why he proposed. But I think we got off on the wrong foot, I moved into his house very early on after having a long distance relationship with him and didn’t get a chance to really live alone before deciding what I want out of a relationship. When he proposed I didn’t expect him to do it so quickly but I didn’t mind as I thought naturally this is how things are meant to go. He’s a bit older than me and more mature so I guess I thought the stuff I wasn’t quite happy about was just me being young and indecisive