Issues with SO and sex not the best? Is your SO the best you’ve ever had?

[Poppygirl96]

It’s a long story but basically I’ve been going back and forth with this in my head for such a long time.

My fiancé and I have been together for over two years and have an amazing 3 month old son together. However I have always put off a wedding as I always get scared/anxious when it comes to thinking about us finally getting married.

My fiancé is not the best sex I have ever had. I told him this gently one day as it came up in a conversation we were having about our sex and problems in our relationship. He was hurt but came to terms with it because he loves me.

Sex is very important to me in a relationship so we have been trying to work on it and switch things up (which admittedly we’ve only started now as I hid a lot of my problems with our sex life before and only truly revealed now how I feel as I was scared my fiancé would be too hurt at the time and simply leave and not try and work on things, and I was worried I could be potentially losing a great guy.) And now because of our son and his job it’s not as easy to become really passionate and work on stuff and I am a SAHM.

My most pleasurable sex was with my ex where it was more lustful hot and heavy but he was a horrible narcissistic person who never gave me stability and wouldn’t have worked long term as we had not much in common and we were only together because of the sex.

With my fiancé he is a stable, caring, lovely guy who has a great job and takes care of me and our son and we get on like a house on fire, with so much in common and laugh like there is no tomorrow.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to enjoy sex at the beginning with us (he is a bit smaller than I am
used to and more of a grower than a show-er) but I gave it a chance, and as it was new and lustful I really enjoyed it and so decided to continue the early relationship but then the novelty wore off and it became very routine.

My fiancé is not the most understanding person about certain romantic and emotional things as he grew up in a very strict “get on with life” household and that has moulded his personally as he has grown up. He is always there for me physically and tries to do the best he can for our family financially and is the most loyal and trustworthy person I have ever met.

However, he doesn’t do things for me instinctively/doesn’t know how to be there for me when I need him at times that are more than just money or just being physically around and I have felt alone through certain tough times such as in my career when I was working or my pregnancy as he was always trying to find answers for those issues rather than just being understanding and being there for me emotionally.

Because of this this combined with him not being the best sex of my life it has made me scared to pursue marriage. I didn’t really see a lot of this stuff as we were dating because we had a long distance relationship for a while and then we ended up pregnant shortly after getting engaged.

I don’t want to lose him and the stability and familiar comfort he brings but don’t know what to do.

Having our son distracted me for a while but now he’s a bit older and sleeping better I have had more time to myself and have started to see clearly now. I recently told my fiancé I was unhappy in our relationship because of the sex and emotional disconnection and because I love him I am hoping things will change and he has promised to try. I really don’t want to end things with him and I’m desperate to try and work these things out but worry that they might not. Looking back he has always been like this and I never really realised and now wonder if it’s too late for him to change.

Is sex with your SO the best you’ve ever had and if not is it ok to feel like your settling on certain things because of what else your partner brings to the table? Any advice please?

Yes, sex with my SO is hot, and the best so far. But I would never tell anyone that they were less good in bed than someone else. Your fiance sounds wonderfully supportive of you, and you might have to let go of the hot sex you want and simply accept the luxury you have of being a SAHM. Can't have everything....

I think we both know that it’s highly unlikely we are going to ever get married
I have realised I am not IN love with my fiancé like I should be are you going to tell him this and leave? Or are you going to live a comfortable life not having to work until you've finished using him?

My partner is the best I've had in all aspects including sex otherwise I wouldn't be with him. If he told me I wasn't his best I'd be out the door. Certainly wouldn't shag him again.

Sex with my husband was Mediocre at best but I loved him so much in other ways that I accepted it and was prepared to compromise but I never ever told him that an ex was better. However, it did become and issue in our relations. Unfortunately he was diagnosed with cancer and died so our relationship shifted fundamentally. But I don’t know it would have lasted forever once the children were grown up as much as I loved him in every other way my needs weren’t being met at all and he didn’t want to do anything about it

My current relationship is completely different and we have the most incredible sex I could ever have imagined. It makes me realise that I couldn’t have a relationship without it. I had forgotten what a connection a good physical relationship is. Because we are both widowed and both have kids living with us full time and often can’t have sex or even touch which builds up the tension so much that when we get together all we want to do is be together.

@Bluejuicyapple thank you for not gunning me down and I can relate to your story in many ways even if mine does seem like I come across awful (although There’s more to the story on his side) and know what I have to do.

I think the op is getting too much stick here. I understand completely, I am about 18 years down the line from a similar situation.
I don't want to explain my full story but like the op I guess I wasn't in a great place, confidence wise and then met someone who I really fancied and sex was mediocre.
14+ years later the lack of emotion, feeling like his mother not his partner, lack of communication and intimacy meant we had to separate. We were both deeply unhappy.
Op sounds to be at least trying to avoid being in a similar situation. Her child is young enough to not know any different, so I would give a time of x months and see if things any better and use the time to really consider if her situation was sustainable for a lifetime.

There is a way to handle all this stuff nicely and without denting someone’s confidence. It sounds like you have not done this at all - certainly bringing exes into it is unacceptable.

I think people who complain about others in bed are generally the ones who are the problem! Sex is 50/50. What are you doing? Are you inspiring passion? Are you trying to make things sexy? Or are you assuming the responsibility is 100% him as he’s the man?

Also re his penis size - you knew this from the offset. If it’s not good enough for you why bloody have a baby together and stay with him. Stupid.

Yes, DH is the best sex I’ve ever had. Because we love each other and we both make an effort and have passion/silliness/everything. I would be heartbroken if he ever implied I was anything other than the best, or if there were a problem and somehow it was all my fault rather than a joint venture to be worked out.

Don't marry him OP. Do both of you a favor and end it with him. Its probably a bit unrealistic to expect a long-term partner to be the best, but he should be close right? He's not even in the ballpark by the sound of it. Should you marry him, you'll feel trapped and resentful.

@crispysausagerolls I’ve made all the effort and more, I dress sexy, tell him what I want in bed, make an effort to keep the house beautiful and take care of myself and baby but he will come home put on his pyjamas eat dinner give me mediocre selfish sex and then go to sleep snoring/farting (sorry tmi). He doesn’t take care of his health anymore, barely helps with the house and even when I try my hardest to get his attention or get him to make more of an effort with me he doesn’t. It’s like I have to baby him into what I want and he didn’t used to be this bad and promised he would change. He’s taken me for granted and I don’t feel like I can go on like that

@Livandme thank you. There’s a lot more to this story but I’ve been trying. I thought I could stick with average sex because of the fact that he is a stable caring guy but at the end of the day it starts to feel like a live in room mate or I’m his mother. Because we moved in together so quickly I didn’t have time to see him for what he really was and my mother in law and friends told me I was young and indecisive and that because I was immature in dating I shouldn’t leave and should make it work because I don’t know what I want or I was expecting too much and I believe them because I didn’t want to give up on the relationship. I have worded my original post horribly but there’s two sides to every story and I have to tell mine because I’m being flamed here.

I think you should leave, sex is one of the main things of a long term relationship or marriage.

Sounds like he is taking you for granted and because you're a SAHM he expects you to do everything.

It doesn't matter what other people would do, its your decision because it's your life.

Start getting your ducks in a row and make plans to leave.

@SortingItOut it’s not as easy as that as we have a baby together now (which in hindsight I should have really thought harder before I was a bit careless but I wouldn’t change our beautiful son for the world) and I know my fiancé deeply loves me even if he doesn’t show it and I know me ending things will break his heart. Plus we have a house together and we have to wait for the market to pick up so that we can sell and get a good return each on the deposit we put into the house (half and half) so that I can forge a life on my own. So I’m going to have to coparent and live in the same house as him awkwardly trying to raise our baby whilst I work out what to do and being delicate of his feelings.

Just tell him how you feel so he can find someone else. He'll know you're not truly happy and living like that destroys a person.

Some people don't have sexual chemistry but one person can't be bad in bed all by themselves.

I'm actually horrified by how cruel you've been. It will devastate him to be parted from his son, but you should probably release him from the uphill battle of trying to please you. Your instinct to avoid marriage is something to listen to.

I just hope that his confidence isn't permanently crushed.

There’s more to the story on his side

Hi Poppy, do you think you could talk about this a bit further? If you feel able. It might help us see things more clearly. xxx

I can't believe you told him that he isn't the best you've ever had. How horrible. You could have tackled the issues without mentioning that.

You sound like really hard work to be honest, and rather self centered.

I would imagine it’s very hard to have sex with someone or want to if they think you are shit in bed and aren’t attractive to them.

I’d give up and fart and not give a fuck too if my DH intimated this to me.

I'm full of admiration that you can even think of sex with a three month old baby :-)!

It was unkind of you to tell your fiance that he's 'not the best'. I'm sure he tries and you've knocked his confidence.

I know sex is important but it is not the only important thing in a relationship. Having a kind, loving and responsible partner counts for a lot especially as time goes on. Most people have fantasies, keep your fantasies in your head.

Your man was good enough to have a baby with, he's good for a lot more. Sometimes sexual relationships grow with time, I hope that happen for you. I'm presuming you're a grown up woman.

I want to add, sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until it is gone. Be careful.

@Lynda07 but that’s the thing tho I can’t say I have a kinda compassionate partner.
Sex is quite important in a relationship and when one is selfish in bed without even realising (no matter how hard I have tried to gently tell them) it hasn’t changed

@Lynda07 sorry I meant kind* and compassionate. He has shown me that he’s not (even aside from sex).

That puts a different complexion on the matter, Poppy. It can't be fun being with a man who isn't kind.

I'm not going to suggest anything, I presume you've talked about your relationship (apart from sex), and considered couples counselling - which does work sometimes. It can help to have the intervention of a neutral third party.

You have a baby and that is a big consideration, it would be so easy to just up and leave otherwise.

Good luck.