Partner hates mum…and it’s causing a lot of stress

[bonslie]

Hi all, currently 38 weeks today and struggling/need to vent.
My mum and my partner (who I’ll call L) used to get on when we first got together, and I was living with my mum at the time. I’ve always been close to my mum, but there were issues with my mums partner (B), who, to be honest, had been rude and ended up making my partner feel unwelcome and uncomfortable coming to the house. This became a big issue in the end, and I ended up moving out due to my L stopping visiting me there to avoid B. Coincidentally, I moved out when I was a couple of months pregnant.
Since I moved, only one family member (sibling) has been to visit. I have 3. I was messaging my mum daily, calling her, which was good because I needed it. I have become completely isolated in this new town for six and a half months and I never leave, and the only visitors are my partners family or his friends. Due to my pregnancy and struggles I’ve had through it, my partner has become…enraged at the fact that my mum hasn’t been through to support me. I’m supposed to be staying at my mums the last couple of weeks leading up to my due date (meaning right now!). She’s redecorated the house for me coming and has been really excited, but months ago she said that she would make sure her partner B wasn’t there for me staying. L was happy with this, and has completely held her to it. L has high functioning autism, and he can be very literal and take things seriously. If someone gives a time estimate for them doing something, he will hold them to it, and if the person is a minute late or doesn’t do what they promised he becomes really angry.
Every day for the last two/three months, whenever he comes in from work I’m straight away questioned about whether or not I’ve contacted my mum to demand that B is gone from her house for me staying. At first she kept saying it would be sorted, but recently in the last month she has told me that she can’t just get rid of her B, but she would get him to apologise to L for the attitude in the past so there were no issues with me staying. However, L completely despises B, kind of to the point of ridiculous. There’s no way in hell I would say this to him, but it really is over the top sometimes with his hate towards him and refuses to ever see the guy again or have him involved in our child’s life. I’ve tried explaining this to my mum but she wanted to message L and encourage him to accept the apology. I had to advise her not to without letting her know that I would get nothing but shit for it when he came home. I did tell L about the apology, but he laughed it off (angrily) and has made it clear to me every single day that if my mum doesn’t get rid of B out of her life, then she won’t have anything to do with my child. He is also refusing to let me stay at my mums, which is literally a 15 minute drive from the hospital, because B is there. At home, we don’t have a car and to get to the hospital would take 3 separate buses over 3 hours, or a taxi which is rarely available, could cost £70 and might not even take a woman in labour. His parents have said they will be on standby for a call, but this is because he has told them that my family are all absolutely useless and selfish and aren’t willing to do anything for me, and now they are hating my family. If I was at my mums, I would have the comfort of my own mum (who I haven’t seen since November), and I would be right there at the hospital. But no. Because of B being there, L is completely refusing. He comes in expecting me to phone my mum and shout at her down the phone and tell her that if she doesn’t get rid of her partner then she won’t have any involvement in my child’s life, and because of his autism he genuinely expects this and thinks that my mum will say yes. He thinks that if she doesn’t, she’s completely selfish and an idiot. I mentioned to her last night about not going to her house and she was heartbroken and angry. The way she sees it is that MY partner, who shouldn’t have a say in anything of hers, is giving her an ultimatum: end your relationship with B or never see your daughter or grandchild again. Which is essentially what he keeps saying, but I don’t know how serious he is. He gets worked up and angry as soon as he’s in the door about this issue and every night I have to sit and listen to him shout at me for about an hour and a bit, calling my mum all the names under the sun, telling me to phone her right then and there and give her abuse. Sometimes he even types out messages telling her how much he hates her, how selfish she is, how she’ll die having no one but B because everyone hates her because of him. I then have to sit and listen to him get offended about why I’m not extra close to his family - the truth is, the way he talks about my family and especially my mum makes me resent his. He talks about how his mum cares about me more than my own, she’s been more helpful and loving and we should move closer to her as opposed to my family (who would all visit me if I stayed closer to them). Constantly having someone tell you how their parent is better and loves you more than your own and does more for you than your own really does cause this resentment and uneasiness, especially when I still love my mum to pieces and wish I was closer to her. His behaviour is causing me to not want to be close to his mum, but he doesn’t get that. L has become very aggressive about my mum and is very vocal in his dislike. He has said that if I go behind his back to stay at my mums at all with B there, then he will end it with me. I’m constantly told that I clearly don’t care about L in this situation because I haven’t forced my mum to get rid of B.
I really am at my wits end. I’m 21, completely isolated in a town closer to L’s family, haven’t seen any friends or family at my house since I moved 6 1/2 months ago. My partner goes off his head at me daily and berates my family to the point I get so anxious about him coming home because I know it’s going to happen. I understand his urgency and not wanting B to be in the house, I really do. But he genuinely can’t understand the fact that I cannot tell my own mother to end her relationship for me, no matter how bad a relationship it looks to other people, and truly believes that she should be kicking him out right now and having him gone and he won’t let me be in her life if she doesn’t. My mum has been my only parent since I lost my dad as a child and I’ve always been close. I can’t even talk about her anymore, like bringing up something she said or done in the past, without it turning completely negative. I used to stand up for her all the time and now I can’t even open my mouth when my L is slagging her off because I get it much worse. I can’t deal with it anymore. I’m in agony, ready to burst, have had to deal with this stress for months now and it’s just getting worse the closer to the due date I get. My mum is supposed to be in the room as my birthing partner along with L, but he has made it clear to me that he will be treating her like shit in the room and will make the whole experience as difficult as possible for her by making it clear that he hates her. He is not understanding that this is putting a huge strain on me and making me feel so anxious and have so many doubts about the whole thing. How am I supposed to give birth in a room with tension like that when all I ever wanted was my mum and L to just help me through it? I’m so excited for my baby to be here but absolutely dreading the birth like you cannot imagine. Every day for weeks I’ve been praying that she comes early (which is bad, I know) just so I can avoid all of this. But here I am, week 38 and not at my mums. Not allowed to go, and also literally about to post this and then have to phone my mum to tell her that I can’t see her like L has told me to. I hate it all. I know that a lot of this is down to his autism, but I feel so lost and I don’t know how to cope with this anymore.
I have literally no one through here. I want my own mum, and he just gets offended and demands to know why I don’t want his mum. He’s even offended that I want my own in the birthing room, when in reality if she wasn’t going to be there then I wouldn’t have anyone else in, let alone his mum.
I’m sorry for rambling, and it not making sense in a lot of parts. I just needed to get loads of this off my chest, but it’s hurting me too much.

Get out and go to your mum's. He has a problem that means he WILL hurt everyone around him including your baby.

OP, please get out for the sake of your child. Abuse often ramps up after birth of your child. What will you do if your newborn is crying and your partner kicks off? Will you try to placate this man first or take care of your child which might further enrage your parther resulting in him hurting you and/or a child?

Autism is not an excuse to abuse people.

And please don’t put this man’s name on birth certificate.

Please get out. Speak to your relatives, friends, health professionals.

Please get out.

Thank you everyone for the kind messages and the words of warning. I wish I’d gone into more detail in my original post but I know it was just rambling!
I’m feeling a lot of guilt due to the fact I know exactly how L struggles. 99% of the time he has been amazing - he helps out with everything and has been very supportive, excited for our baby and has always been very loving towards me and very protective. He’s great with kids and they all seem to love him, and it warms my heart seeing him with my nieces and nephews.
I keep making excuses for my family not visiting - I now live an hour away (which obviously doesn’t seem like a long way), my mum has a car and she could drive but she hasn’t been through at all since I moved not even once. My sisters both have 3 kids each, one of them only gave birth before Christmas so I couldn’t see her travelling, and the other one doesn’t drive so it would have to be lugging 3 kids (that you also need to pay for!) on 3 separate buses that would take 3 hours of travelling - I don’t see it being accessible for everyone, especially when I live in a small town that stops all public transport after 7pm! My brother also works 6/7 days a week and only gets one Sunday off a fortnight, and he also has his own life with his fiancé and two kids (he at least visited once though!). They all like L and get on with him, and so did my mum for such a long time!
I won’t be making excuses for abuse or abusers - the reason that L hates B so much is for this particular reason. My mum has been in abusive relationship after abusive relationship since I was a young child, and I’ve been exposed to it all - I even went through 3 years of going to court as a young teen to testify against one of her ex partners. She has had a habit of staying with these partners despite dangerous situations it put me in as a child - hence why L freaks out and calls her selfish.
B is a total dick. Since he got together with my mum, he has treated her like a piece of dirt. He would lie about working overtime (even all weekend) when in reality he was seeing his ex, he was visiting this woman daily while DM was struggling. He lived with DM rent free, and she cooked all his meals that he would only end up complaining about which would trigger my mum, who has had an ED since she was 17, and make her not eat properly for weeks at a time. B has seriously impacted her mental health, and has driven her to numerous unhealthy mental spaces that I have had to be the one to draw her back from. He has leeched her of her money, goes through her phone when it’s not with her and deletes messages from friends and family so she doesn’t see, and checks her bank and purse and then interrogates her about her finances - despite her working full time and earning her own money and paying all the bills. Meanwhile, he works 5 days a week with a £12 an hour job and doesn’t contribute, leaving DM to get into serious debt and rent arrears.
Now, L has witnessed all of this. At first, he tried to not have an opinion as I had informed him that it wasn’t his relationship to worry about. Then he began witnessing the way B was with me - a bully. He was constantly making nasty comments about me, the way I looked, he would try and embarrass me when I had people over, and he also made fun of a previous suicide attempt of mine in front of both L and my mum, which was totally out of the blue and uncalled for. My mum laughed (albeit awkwardly) instead of telling him to stop, and L was shocked and angry. There was also an instance where B followed me about the house berating me, and he ended up slapping me in the face. DM hadn’t been in at the time and didn’t witness it, she didn’t entirely believe me when I told her. He has also pushed my mum and grabbed her by the throat once - this was the only time I had witnessed physical violence between them and I never did again but it still stuck.
Then, B dragged L out with him one day to get dinner. While they were out picking it up, B slagged my mum off to L (calling her irritating, an idiot, nippy cunt etc), told him all about how he had previously used his ex girlfriends just for things like a place to stay and a cooked meal at the end of the night, and then proceeded to make lewd comments and gestures about a group of young (probably my age) girls that were walking past. He was licking his lips and talking sexually, which shocked L (as he is not like this in the slightest, especially with his girlfriends mums partner…who is nearing 60), asking what he would do to these girls and then laughing and getting offended when L said that he was already happy in a relationship. L was completely disturbed by this and told me straight away, and I ended up choosing to tell DM a couple of weeks later hoping that it would maybe be enough to help her realise she was worth more. Instead, she brought it up to B and he became completely ignorant with L and made the environment very hostile. When L would stay over, he started being extremely rude and would ignore L straight out, bang about at night (through my wall, only when he knew we were trying to sleep), make comments when he was there and then also a whole load of other things that I asked him to stop but he laughed in my face and refused. He is also a major chain smoker, smokes in the house/blows the smoke right in my face when he would see it bothers me. Even when I last visited, despite being PG, he still continued to smoke with that same enthusiasm.
As expected, L came home and asked about DM. When I told him that she wouldn’t leave him, he was upset again. We argued, and I told him straight about the stress that this was causing me and the baby, and eventually ended up almost leaving. He broke down and apologised - he knows exactly what he does. I don’t like using excuses but I do know that there is extra stress right now (a lot that I haven’t mentioned, to do with him working, studying and his family) and he has been very low recently. These aren’t things that have been continuing throughout the relationship, but obviously it has been worrying me as I am going to have a child with this person. I have encouraged him to seek help, which he has agreed to. He opened up to me a lot about things that were getting to him with the baby and my family - and quite a bit of it I understand. There were times when we supported my mum through what looked like a breakup, but she’s just gotten back together with the guy and ended up not even ending it. I’ve been stuck at home crying for weeks on end alone while his family tried to visit and all I wanted was mine, but they haven’t been through despite knowing that I’ve had a difficult pregnancy and money issues that mean I can’t travel to see them. But then they get offended when I get upset about no one visiting, and say that it works both ways.
I really do feel awful. I know what to look out for and was aware that there were signs of abuse, but I really do love L. He has been my rock and has supported me in so many ways that mean so much to me, the amount of care he has for me in every other sense is astounding. He is extremely attentive and has taken care of me physically, mentally and financially throughout this pregnancy. Takes me to every appointment, leaves work early to comfort me if I was feeling low, sticks up for me in every sense of the word and defends me to anyone that tries to say anything strange. He is on constant call and has been worried about me especially in these last few months as I have been attacked by my neighbours dog twice (another big reason why I haven’t left the house at all), and has become basically my sole carer atm, which must be a lot of stress for someone that is used to being the one supported. He worries about me all day and makes sure I don’t have to lift a finger when he’s back.
It really is just these arguments. Afterwards, once he calms down, he is instantly regretful and ashamed, and he said that he didn’t mean it in the slightest. He knows that he gets himself worked up, and then his mind goes blank. My mum can have all the contact she wants, but he doesn’t want me going there for the safety of myself and the baby around B. He is getting more worked up about it as, with the HFA, he had wanted to have a plan set in place so it was as easy as possible for me to get to hospital and have the support I needed. As it’s gotten closer to the time, the plan has fallen through in so many ways that it’s unnerved him. I’ve had experience with him and plans/timeframes before, so I do know that it can set him off and be a trigger, but then the second he calms down he sees how ridiculous it is. This has just been a huge disappointment with my mum however, which I understand because I’m horribly disappointed too but I can get over things very easily and look past things, whereas L can’t.
Despite all of this, I am hopeful for the future with L and my baby and I am on full alert in case this changes. Although my family haven’t been as supportive as they could’ve been, I know that if there were any issues with L they would help me in a heartbeat. Even his own family would help me!
I hope that this eases anyone’s worries about me and my situation. I promise I am aware of what’s going on, I’m not in denial and I also have the support of a lot of others (midwives, CPN etc) that are aware of the situation and are now hoping to also support L and get him the help that he should’ve been getting too.
Thank you all so much for the messages honestly, please believe me when I say that I’m safe right now and we will be getting the help required to ensure this goes smoothly, both of us together and as a team.

That really is quite a drip feed.

Everyone's advice would have been completely different if you had shared basically any of that originally.

I’ve always been close to my mum, but there were issues with my mums partner (B), who, to be honest, had been rude and ended up making my partner feel unwelcome and uncomfortable coming to the house.

This is quite different to now saying he has slapped you and assaulted your mum.

Your partner is totally right to say he won't allow your child to be in that house when an abuser is present. Obviously. I would be angry you were considering it too.

Well that changes things.

Your partner is absolutely right to refuse to allow his child to be in that environment.

You are a mother now. Your job is to protect your child. You can’t take that child into a situation like that.

I grew up in a household with abuse. If skews your sense of reality. You are going to have to fight hard against that mental conditioning. From this moment on, your goal has to be to give your child what you didn’t have.

I've read your latest update and totally agree with @Purpleartichoke.

OP, sit down calmly and think about what's best for your child. Your priority is protecting and caring for them, not what you'd like best, i.e. being with your Mum during the birth and the early days. I know it's hard, but their needs come first now, not yours.

I get it as I moved to a new city when pregnant and I'd lost my Mum a few years earlier. It was hard being a new Mum with little support, but I did invite my MIL over and she helped me alot - so if your DP's Mum is willing to help out, let her! It'll be good for you and the baby.

If your Mum can come and stay with you right after the birth, that would be great too - but don't take your newborn to a house with an abusive partner living there. It's not the right thing to do.

Also, please tell your DP that him shouting at you isn't helping and that you want to discuss things calmly. He must learn to control his temper - I had to do the same - and walk away to cool off if he needs to.

to you both, it's a difficult situation, but please make a fresh start and give your baby the safe and happy life you want them to have.

@bonslie
I realise this is a bad time, seeing that you are about to give birth, but you really need counseling to deal with all the issues from your childhood, address the issues in your current relationship with your partner and sort out in your head what it is you really want. Your posts are so rambling and full of confusion; until you manage to straighten all this in your head, you will continue to be stuck in unhealthy relationships.