Hi all, currently 38 weeks today and struggling/need to vent.
My mum and my partner (who I’ll call L) used to get on when we first got together, and I was living with my mum at the time. I’ve always been close to my mum, but there were issues with my mums partner (B), who, to be honest, had been rude and ended up making my partner feel unwelcome and uncomfortable coming to the house. This became a big issue in the end, and I ended up moving out due to my L stopping visiting me there to avoid B. Coincidentally, I moved out when I was a couple of months pregnant.
Since I moved, only one family member (sibling) has been to visit. I have 3. I was messaging my mum daily, calling her, which was good because I needed it. I have become completely isolated in this new town for six and a half months and I never leave, and the only visitors are my partners family or his friends. Due to my pregnancy and struggles I’ve had through it, my partner has become…enraged at the fact that my mum hasn’t been through to support me. I’m supposed to be staying at my mums the last couple of weeks leading up to my due date (meaning right now!). She’s redecorated the house for me coming and has been really excited, but months ago she said that she would make sure her partner B wasn’t there for me staying. L was happy with this, and has completely held her to it. L has high functioning autism, and he can be very literal and take things seriously. If someone gives a time estimate for them doing something, he will hold them to it, and if the person is a minute late or doesn’t do what they promised he becomes really angry.
Every day for the last two/three months, whenever he comes in from work I’m straight away questioned about whether or not I’ve contacted my mum to demand that B is gone from her house for me staying. At first she kept saying it would be sorted, but recently in the last month she has told me that she can’t just get rid of her B, but she would get him to apologise to L for the attitude in the past so there were no issues with me staying. However, L completely despises B, kind of to the point of ridiculous. There’s no way in hell I would say this to him, but it really is over the top sometimes with his hate towards him and refuses to ever see the guy again or have him involved in our child’s life. I’ve tried explaining this to my mum but she wanted to message L and encourage him to accept the apology. I had to advise her not to without letting her know that I would get nothing but shit for it when he came home. I did tell L about the apology, but he laughed it off (angrily) and has made it clear to me every single day that if my mum doesn’t get rid of B out of her life, then she won’t have anything to do with my child. He is also refusing to let me stay at my mums, which is literally a 15 minute drive from the hospital, because B is there. At home, we don’t have a car and to get to the hospital would take 3 separate buses over 3 hours, or a taxi which is rarely available, could cost £70 and might not even take a woman in labour. His parents have said they will be on standby for a call, but this is because he has told them that my family are all absolutely useless and selfish and aren’t willing to do anything for me, and now they are hating my family. If I was at my mums, I would have the comfort of my own mum (who I haven’t seen since November), and I would be right there at the hospital. But no. Because of B being there, L is completely refusing. He comes in expecting me to phone my mum and shout at her down the phone and tell her that if she doesn’t get rid of her partner then she won’t have any involvement in my child’s life, and because of his autism he genuinely expects this and thinks that my mum will say yes. He thinks that if she doesn’t, she’s completely selfish and an idiot. I mentioned to her last night about not going to her house and she was heartbroken and angry. The way she sees it is that MY partner, who shouldn’t have a say in anything of hers, is giving her an ultimatum: end your relationship with B or never see your daughter or grandchild again. Which is essentially what he keeps saying, but I don’t know how serious he is. He gets worked up and angry as soon as he’s in the door about this issue and every night I have to sit and listen to him shout at me for about an hour and a bit, calling my mum all the names under the sun, telling me to phone her right then and there and give her abuse. Sometimes he even types out messages telling her how much he hates her, how selfish she is, how she’ll die having no one but B because everyone hates her because of him. I then have to sit and listen to him get offended about why I’m not extra close to his family - the truth is, the way he talks about my family and especially my mum makes me resent his. He talks about how his mum cares about me more than my own, she’s been more helpful and loving and we should move closer to her as opposed to my family (who would all visit me if I stayed closer to them). Constantly having someone tell you how their parent is better and loves you more than your own and does more for you than your own really does cause this resentment and uneasiness, especially when I still love my mum to pieces and wish I was closer to her. His behaviour is causing me to not want to be close to his mum, but he doesn’t get that. L has become very aggressive about my mum and is very vocal in his dislike. He has said that if I go behind his back to stay at my mums at all with B there, then he will end it with me. I’m constantly told that I clearly don’t care about L in this situation because I haven’t forced my mum to get rid of B.
I really am at my wits end. I’m 21, completely isolated in a town closer to L’s family, haven’t seen any friends or family at my house since I moved 6 1/2 months ago. My partner goes off his head at me daily and berates my family to the point I get so anxious about him coming home because I know it’s going to happen. I understand his urgency and not wanting B to be in the house, I really do. But he genuinely can’t understand the fact that I cannot tell my own mother to end her relationship for me, no matter how bad a relationship it looks to other people, and truly believes that she should be kicking him out right now and having him gone and he won’t let me be in her life if she doesn’t. My mum has been my only parent since I lost my dad as a child and I’ve always been close. I can’t even talk about her anymore, like bringing up something she said or done in the past, without it turning completely negative. I used to stand up for her all the time and now I can’t even open my mouth when my L is slagging her off because I get it much worse. I can’t deal with it anymore. I’m in agony, ready to burst, have had to deal with this stress for months now and it’s just getting worse the closer to the due date I get. My mum is supposed to be in the room as my birthing partner along with L, but he has made it clear to me that he will be treating her like shit in the room and will make the whole experience as difficult as possible for her by making it clear that he hates her. He is not understanding that this is putting a huge strain on me and making me feel so anxious and have so many doubts about the whole thing. How am I supposed to give birth in a room with tension like that when all I ever wanted was my mum and L to just help me through it? I’m so excited for my baby to be here but absolutely dreading the birth like you cannot imagine. Every day for weeks I’ve been praying that she comes early (which is bad, I know) just so I can avoid all of this. But here I am, week 38 and not at my mums. Not allowed to go, and also literally about to post this and then have to phone my mum to tell her that I can’t see her like L has told me to. I hate it all. I know that a lot of this is down to his autism, but I feel so lost and I don’t know how to cope with this anymore.
I have literally no one through here. I want my own mum, and he just gets offended and demands to know why I don’t want his mum. He’s even offended that I want my own in the birthing room, when in reality if she wasn’t going to be there then I wouldn’t have anyone else in, let alone his mum.
I’m sorry for rambling, and it not making sense in a lot of parts. I just needed to get loads of this off my chest, but it’s hurting me too much.