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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband going through my things when I’m not at home

54 replies

MellowYellow4 · 12/03/2020 12:15

My husband and I have our own bedrooms as we work different shifts and our sleep was getting greatly affected. We both agree that we get the best nights sleep sleeping on our own and this is not an issue. I had my suspicions that he had been going into my room whilst I was out the house and going through my things. So I positioned things in my bedroom (mainly a bunch of paperwork that was not interesting) in a specific way and took pictures for reference. When I came home I noticed that the paperwork had been moved significantly. A couple of days later I said to my husband that I was not accusing him of doing anything, but it was important that he understood it was not acceptable to me for him to ever go in my room and go through any of my things without asking me. He acted shocked and confused and denied doing such things. Sadly he has flat out lied to my face on a few occasions so I wasn’t surprised by his response.

I also have an organiser and I had noted down in there a couple of things which my husband could not have possibly known about. One day recently my husband randomly referenced one of the things I had in my planner. It is impossible that it was a coincidence, and I am confident that if I put some things in place I would easily be able to establish that he goes through my planner regularly.

I find my husband to be a very secretive person, and I wonder if this is him projecting, or if he is just being downright nosey? All I know is that it does not sit well with me that he goes through my things. I am contemplating putting a lock on my door and encouraging him to do the same to his bedroom, although it saddens me that this is what I am having to resort to.

I just wondered how others feel about the situation, as perhaps others wouldn’t mind if their husband did go through their things? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just allow it to continue? Is this an issue?

OP posts:
Princessfaffalot · 12/03/2020 12:23

I think it depends on the state of your marriage generally. It doesn’t sound like there’s any trust there at all, on either side. That doesn’t sound very hopeful for a healthy or happy marriage. He should absolutely respect your privacy. That said, I wouldn’t have a problem with my dh looking through my things if he needed something urgently and he would always ask anyway. Locks on separate bedroom doors just sounds so sad, that’s no way to live in a marriage.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 12/03/2020 12:26

Im sorry, but your set up sounds completely barmy to me. Separate rooms that the other isn't allowed into!? I get sleeping apart for logistics, we often do that, but we have Our Bedroom and the spare room. Your set up sounds more like roommates to me, and room mates who don't like each other much.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 12/03/2020 12:27

Post it note with “fuck off nosey cunt” on paperwork/planner/drawers?

smiften · 12/03/2020 12:31

What's he looking for?

CorianderLord · 12/03/2020 12:33

It sounds like you're housemates not husband and wife...

Mum4Fergus · 12/03/2020 12:35

Separate bedrooms or not...I wouldn't have an issue with my husband going through my things. Have you other issues at play here?

tarasmalatarocks · 12/03/2020 12:36

Is there any significant back history here, affairs or financial shenanigans on either side??

Nat6999 · 12/03/2020 12:42

Put something that he wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut about in your room, out of sight but not put away. Maybe in your organiser or in a drawer. Then wait.

strawberrylipgloss · 12/03/2020 12:43

I thought this was going to be about your underwear or clothes.

Are your work documents sensitive? Eg medical files?

The separate beds are not weird but not going in each other's room is pretty weird.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2020 12:44

I can’t imagine living like that. Is it what you both really want? There’s no mutual trust. What do you think he’s looking for? Do you have joint finances?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/03/2020 12:46

I suspect it's not so much about going in the room. Wouldn't have a problem with DH getting something he needed, but it sounds like this is being done in a sneaky underhand way, and then is being denied.

MellowYellow4 · 12/03/2020 12:53

I must stress that sleeping separately and having our own rooms is not an issue. It just means for the 8 hours we are asleep we are in different rooms. Outside of that we always spend time together in one of the rooms. I know this setup is not for everyone, but it is what works for us. I guess this scenario could be applied to even if we shared a room. If I had a drawer in our bedroom full of my personal stuff, I would not like if my husband was purposely going through it when I am out of the house.

Our finances are joint, he has no reason not to trust me at all. I sense he has his own trust issues perhaps from prior to me, and also perhaps because he knows that he lies to me sometimes so maybe feels I must be doing the same?

I have nothing to hide in my documents, planner or anything else. Obviously if he needs anything out of my room going in it is not an issue. It is definitely more as SpongeBobJudgeyPants has said, in that it is being done in a sneaky underhand way and being denied.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 12/03/2020 13:00

I have my own bedroom. I also have a lock on my door. No fuckers getting in there and my marriage is fine.

You're entitled to privacy OP and if he is snooping then he will find it hard not to say anything.

Those doorknobs that lock with a key are good.

ScrapThatThen · 12/03/2020 13:04

You have approached it reasonably, he has responded by lying. What is your next move? The lock is not the issue because you don't have anything to hide. But can you be married to someone who receives?

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/03/2020 13:05

If my partner had anything (except confidential work documents or a diary etc etc) that he wouldn’t allow me to see, he wouldn’t be a partner much longer. Your situation sounds bizarre. You live in the same house and are not separated but you want to put a lock on part of the house you share?? Sure, I get wanting some privacy and not liking somebody rifling through your things but why on Earth are you so secretive in the first place that he has to rifle surreptitiously?

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/03/2020 13:06

You say he’s secretive - would you also be fine with him locking his room? Or would you think he had something to hide?

Windyatthebeach · 12/03/2020 13:08

Make some notes about grounds for divorce in the planner...
Or emigrating advice leaflet..
Or lovehoney humongous sex toy price list..

loveyoutothemoon · 12/03/2020 13:14

What wouldn't you want your husband to see considering you're happy together?

Reginabambina · 12/03/2020 13:15

I would be really tempted to start messing with him by leaving really weird stuff lying around.

MellowYellow4 · 12/03/2020 13:19

I see some posts implying it is me who is secretive. I don't understand how so when I leave everything accessible as I have no secrets.

In getting married does that mean that there should be no respect for each others privacy? Surely I am still allowed things of my own. Is this not similar to people snooping through their SO's phone which people highly frown upon?

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 12/03/2020 13:22

Creepy.

KahlanRahl · 12/03/2020 13:25

It's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. He shouldn't be looking for... what exactly? Evidence of something? Or wanting to know what you're up to? And on the other side he also should feel that the whole house and everything in it is accessible to him. We sleep separately due to snoring, but our bedrooms and everything in it are "our" bedrooms and "our" things. That I always sleep in the one bedroom and him in the other doesn't make it mine or his. Same goes for paperwork, he deals with most of it, I don't go and read it but it is accessible to me and would be fine if I wanted to. As it stands, he deals with it and I put it away most times anyway.

You don't sound like a real couple to me. It sounds like both of you have an issue.

Opentooffers · 12/03/2020 13:37

Your relationship is not a healthy one. I suspect there is some further historical info to come out yet as to why you are both behaving this way, it's an odd dynamic.
It would be the beginning of the end for me if I felt invaded and lied to. It doesn't matter why sometimes, just the act is enough on its own and you can waste your life trying to understand a person.

gamerchick · 12/03/2020 14:23

I see some posts implying it is me who is secretive

Yeah, by people who probably snoop themselves Wink

Interestedwoman · 12/03/2020 15:56

I had a boyfriend who went through my emails. There wasn't any reason for him to do it at the time. That her husband is paranoid or whatever isn't a sign the OP is going wrong. He went through her planner- that isn't a shared thing that equally belongs to her husband. It's intrusive, and a sign that he's paranoid/suspicious. Also, that he mentioned stuff that was in the planner which he couldn't have known, means he wants the OP to know she is under surveillance, which of course could inhibit what she does. It's controlling.