Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband going through my things when I’m not at home

54 replies

MellowYellow4 · 12/03/2020 12:15

My husband and I have our own bedrooms as we work different shifts and our sleep was getting greatly affected. We both agree that we get the best nights sleep sleeping on our own and this is not an issue. I had my suspicions that he had been going into my room whilst I was out the house and going through my things. So I positioned things in my bedroom (mainly a bunch of paperwork that was not interesting) in a specific way and took pictures for reference. When I came home I noticed that the paperwork had been moved significantly. A couple of days later I said to my husband that I was not accusing him of doing anything, but it was important that he understood it was not acceptable to me for him to ever go in my room and go through any of my things without asking me. He acted shocked and confused and denied doing such things. Sadly he has flat out lied to my face on a few occasions so I wasn’t surprised by his response.

I also have an organiser and I had noted down in there a couple of things which my husband could not have possibly known about. One day recently my husband randomly referenced one of the things I had in my planner. It is impossible that it was a coincidence, and I am confident that if I put some things in place I would easily be able to establish that he goes through my planner regularly.

I find my husband to be a very secretive person, and I wonder if this is him projecting, or if he is just being downright nosey? All I know is that it does not sit well with me that he goes through my things. I am contemplating putting a lock on my door and encouraging him to do the same to his bedroom, although it saddens me that this is what I am having to resort to.

I just wondered how others feel about the situation, as perhaps others wouldn’t mind if their husband did go through their things? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just allow it to continue? Is this an issue?

OP posts:
Hoggleludo · 12/03/2020 15:57

I like the note saying

I know what you're doing sneaky fucker!

See if that brings anything up.

Fannia · 12/03/2020 16:03

Going through your things is sneaky and weird but the solution is not to get a padlock!

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 12/03/2020 16:16

completely agree with post above:
Going through your things is sneaky and weird but the solution is not to get a padlock!

set him up colleen rooney style if you need to, but call him out on it.
it's not healthy to be so sneaky.

tell him if he's worried, he has to discuss it like an adult.

TheTiaraManager · 12/03/2020 16:18

Has there been trust issues in the past?

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 12/03/2020 16:19

type up a letter from your dr's about a pregnancy dating scan, or something similar, and leave it with some other paperwork (where he'd find it reasonably easily)

if he starts behaving differently, or making pointed comments, you've got him

Firelink · 12/03/2020 16:29

Weird relationship.

Dieu · 12/03/2020 16:53

The whole set up sounds nuts to me. Sorry.

virginpinkmartini · 12/03/2020 17:04

Write in your diary 'meeting with Scott Chegg on Thursday, 2.30pm 😜' and then give him some bullshit about going for a walk/drive, and then when he confronts you, take a packet of Scotch eggs out of your handbag and say 'I can't help it. I'm addicted. Nosy fucker'

Lippy1234 · 12/03/2020 17:07

I think I would put post it notes in various places saying I know you’re snooping you nosey fuck.

BigFatLiar · 12/03/2020 17:32

Perhaps he suspects you're cheating.
Going through your partners stuff looking for evidence is pretty standard advice on here.
Why not simply ask him what he's up to.

ML1706 · 12/03/2020 17:44

It all sounds very weird to me, I couldn't care less if my husband went through my things, everything is ours.

mytypeonpaper · 12/03/2020 19:31

Jesus you 2 sound like housemates that hate each other!

PlumsGalore · 12/03/2020 19:38

I agree with the previous posted that said she would leave notes. I would hide posit it notes in my personal belongs saying “nosey bastard” “still spying” “why the fuck dont you trust me” etc. At some point he will either get the message or say something to admit it.

I have nothing to hide so would be happy to leave things around but if DH was actively snooping i would wonder why and also be extremely cross.

willowmelangell · 12/03/2020 19:45

Never mind leaving post it notes, I'd have glitter inside a closed book...

Lippy1234 · 12/03/2020 19:46

Oooh I like it

MulticolourMophead · 13/03/2020 01:27

It all sounds very weird to me, I couldn't care less if my husband went through my things, everything is ours.

I don't think it's the simple fact that the DH is looking at OP's stuff, it's that it's secretive and deliberate. OP wrote:

I have nothing to hide in my documents, planner or anything else. Obviously if he needs anything out of my room going in it is not an issue. It is definitely more as SpongeBobJudgeyPants has said, in that it is being done in a sneaky underhand way and being denied.

OP spoke to him face to face about going through her stuff and he denied it. That's the issue.

Blubelle7 · 13/03/2020 02:14

Separate rooms are fine...going through your things absolutely not. My mum used to rifle through my things and question me about things in my diary or why I felt a certain way or had a certain book (good parenting up to a point but not when one is in uni and comes home for the summer break) and it made me stop writing a diary and confide nothing to her. I hate anyone doing the same to me and doing through my things and looking through my texts-nothing to hide but I dont feel I should explain why I had a bacon sandwich for lunch. I have an ex who would go through my texts then decide he was hurt by whatever he found (all completely innocent) and hold it over my head for months, he is an ex for a reason. Going forward I absolutely do not tolerate any such rubbish as it smacks of control and micro managing which is abusive. Not on.

Blubelle7 · 13/03/2020 02:15

Lol willow....lots and lots of glitter under every page

Honeybee85 · 13/03/2020 02:27

Your marriage sounds very unhealthy. Going trough your stuff is not the real issue, there seems to be a huge lack of trust in each other. I don’t really have advice on the issue other then to seek marriage counseling and give it some thought if you want to spend the rest of your life being married to someone who you cannot trust. I know what I would choose in your position.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/03/2020 02:48

I don't go through DP's stuff/papers. Nor adult DCs. It just wouldn't even occur to me.

Pp's who say OP is wrong - Why are you going through your partner's things, what are you looking for?

I can't imagine being so nosey that I'd wait until family go out and then go and rummage through their things. It's sly and underhand. It's not about keeping secrets - we're open with each other - but if you can't look through stuff when the person's in the house as opposed to behind their back then you know you're wrong. Or you wouldn't do it furtively.

BlackCatSleeping · 13/03/2020 02:50

My Ex used to do stuff like this. I suspected he went through my phone when I took a shower and went through my bag and stuff. It was horrible, even though like you I have nothing to hide. I feel it’s more about control than about being nosey. And yes, in my Ex’s case, it was him who had plenty to hide. I would strongly advise again marrying someone like this.

StoppinBy · 13/03/2020 02:55

Is it possible that in insisting he never look at your stuff he has become suspicious of what you are hiding?

I agree that it is odd in a marriage to have such boundaries as his and her bedrooms and private paperwork with the exception of private work papers or a very personal diary.

Pandamoore · 13/03/2020 03:14

Creepy. Is he controlling or manipulative at all?

The secretive stuff is weird op. I wouldn't be with someone who I felt was keeping things from me, let alone flat out lying.

He's your husband, this isn't some six month relationship that he may have jumped into without sorting out trust issues from a recent ex. You dont marry someone if you still have issues like that. And surely if an ex had cheated he would have mentioned that by now anyway just in passing convo.

Sounds more like projection.
Or worse, control.

BlackCatSleeping · 13/03/2020 03:29

The lying is also a form of manipulation and control.

Mayaaaaa · 13/03/2020 05:09

It's not odd to have personal privacy in a marriage. And tbh it's not even about that

I would show dp my phone. I have know issues if he had a concern. If he went through it, regularly, behind my back and lied about it then I would have a huge problem.

Swipe left for the next trending thread