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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband going through my things when I’m not at home

54 replies

MellowYellow4 · 12/03/2020 12:15

My husband and I have our own bedrooms as we work different shifts and our sleep was getting greatly affected. We both agree that we get the best nights sleep sleeping on our own and this is not an issue. I had my suspicions that he had been going into my room whilst I was out the house and going through my things. So I positioned things in my bedroom (mainly a bunch of paperwork that was not interesting) in a specific way and took pictures for reference. When I came home I noticed that the paperwork had been moved significantly. A couple of days later I said to my husband that I was not accusing him of doing anything, but it was important that he understood it was not acceptable to me for him to ever go in my room and go through any of my things without asking me. He acted shocked and confused and denied doing such things. Sadly he has flat out lied to my face on a few occasions so I wasn’t surprised by his response.

I also have an organiser and I had noted down in there a couple of things which my husband could not have possibly known about. One day recently my husband randomly referenced one of the things I had in my planner. It is impossible that it was a coincidence, and I am confident that if I put some things in place I would easily be able to establish that he goes through my planner regularly.

I find my husband to be a very secretive person, and I wonder if this is him projecting, or if he is just being downright nosey? All I know is that it does not sit well with me that he goes through my things. I am contemplating putting a lock on my door and encouraging him to do the same to his bedroom, although it saddens me that this is what I am having to resort to.

I just wondered how others feel about the situation, as perhaps others wouldn’t mind if their husband did go through their things? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just allow it to continue? Is this an issue?

OP posts:
Asbrown21 · 20/07/2023 14:51

I think it is totally ridiculous for someone to go through your things. Marriage is not about "owning" each other. My husband says he "owns" me and everything in this house so he can go through anything at anytime. But don't I dare go through his things. I will get in big trouble. If I find out he is going through my stuff he tells me " he only goes through my stuff, because I go through his". I have never went through his things not once. But he will stand and accuse me to make it right for him. I hate his self righteousness. I do wish I could leave. But no job no money and kids.

perfectcolourfound · 21/07/2023 20:22

I'm surprised so many people think it's absolutely fine that he goes through your stuff when you aren't around.

I'm happily married. Not a single secret from my husband. If he looked through my phone or my papers he wouldn't find any shocks, or anything I'd be embarassed by. And if he needed to go through my papers / my phone for some practical reason, I'd have no problem with that.

But going through our stuff, in secret, and lying about it, is not OK. That means he thinks you're hiding something from him. And whatever it is, rather than ask you, he goes through your stuff when you're out. Then lies when you ask him about it. Not OK.

BackAgainstWall · 21/07/2023 22:53

Snooping is an awful trait.

Left · 22/07/2023 11:16

I wonder if he’s still snooping three years later 🙄

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