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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can i get some control over my limerance?

101 replies

RedIsWhereItsAt · 12/03/2020 03:47

It's all consuming, taking over my mind and body. I try to keep busy but it sneaks up. It's disturbing me and I feel powerless against it. Can I actually do anything or do I just have to be tolerant and wait?

OP posts:
izzywizzygood · 14/03/2020 19:31

Thanks everyone for the explanations. I am starting to understand, but it's a bit hard (for me) to pull one apart from the other. Crushes can kind of be all consuming too? I suppose with an intense crush you may be able to be immersed in it but also know it's not going to develop into a relationship (if the other party has a girl/boyfriend for example)? I suppose that's unpleasant too. I totally understand any form of unreciprocated crush or limerence is totally painful. Flowers

springydaff · 14/03/2020 19:57

There's something yummy about a crush, even though it can be painful. It's sort of daydreamy and yum, even life - affirming?

Limerence is a dementor. Its vicious. Or it has that quality. Maybe crush and limerence overlap sometimes. I don't want either if I'm honest. Not worth the agony.

RegDet · 14/03/2020 22:56

Might help to know that narcissists and socipaths are known for being incredibly charismatic but they are very abusive people underneath. The highs they can create are incredible and very addictive and I'm certain this contributes to limerence in some cases. The highs are intense but the withdrawal is awful.

They are very good analysing your emotional needs and mirroring back to you what you want to see, in order to hook you in, which matches with what people are saying about there being something missing in your own life when you fall for someone and get this feeling. They are unconsciously skilled at identifying people who have an unmet emtional need and will be vulnerable to their charm and love bombing.

I would like to hear from anyone who ever had limerence and ended up in a happy ever after relationship with the person. I'm guessing it's not often. I think the intensity of the limerence state is a red flag.

springydaff · 14/03/2020 23:01

Very good point, Reg. I know what it is to be cooked by a narcissist..

However, I can do limerence completely on my own, from afar Confused

Postspecific · 14/03/2020 23:04

Exactly @RegDet - my husband is nothing like my limerent profiles and I think that’s why we’ve been married so long! I no longer feel guilty for limerence because to know it completely is to know that it’s not about romantic love or lust or any of that stuff - it merely hijacks those impulses because they’re the most powerful - I know all my archetypes inside-out now and I think I know their origins too.

BananaBang · 14/03/2020 23:10

Remember - there's a fine line between morning around like a daffy teenager over some married bloke who's not interested in you and stalking him. And a lot of people like to romanticise their stalking.

Entire threads have been deleted on here as all the 'limerence' sufferers discussed in detail all the hideous stalking they did of their victims.

Focus on getting help as opposed to finding ways to stalk people

BananaBang · 14/03/2020 23:14

*mooning around

ghostmous3 · 15/03/2020 16:02

It does work out sometimes. It did for me.
I had limerance for someone I worked with, saw him every day as we worked closely together. Really really fell for him, to the point I was walking the dog at the same time he finished work (he finished later than I did and lives by me) just so I could see him drive past in his way home and we did spend time doing a hobby too outside of work but with others
I made up stories in my head about him, thought about him constantly. It was awful.
He was single although had little something going on with a mutual friend and i was in an awful abusive relationship.

Looking back there was something definitely missing from my life and u thought this man filled the gap but it was pure fantasy..or so I thought.

I finished with my bf and thought well if I cant have my limerance crush then I would rather be single.

3 months later he asked me and out and weve been together 2 years

Hes brilliant and I'm glad it worked out. But god I felt so crap going through it

Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 15/03/2020 22:53

I had actually stopped reading this thread as I was worried I was 'feeding' my limerence but I still am overwhelmed. So I'll have a read of it and engage more, see if that helps.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 16/03/2020 09:58

@bangheadhere40

Did you see him as in a romantic sense? or just someone you know?

Sorry, I think I misunderstood your question. He was just someone I knew briefly through work, but in my mind I am wanting a relationship.

I'm at work but will try to answer and explain as I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 16/03/2020 10:00

Imagine him doing a shit.

Nope, not put me off!

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 16/03/2020 12:53

Nope, not put me off!

@RedIsWhereItsAt Kinky Grin

Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 16/03/2020 14:39

@merryhouse

Work outexactlywhat attracted you to him

Dark hair, swarthy, beautiful voice, and very kind, all qualities I thought my ex had. He was only missing the kind bit, which is the most important!

OP posts:
Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 16/03/2020 14:43

@Interestedwoman

Is he/she in a relationship?

No. I would not go near any married man, ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 16/03/2020 14:52

@CatAndHisKit

OP is that because he encouraged you at some point?

No, not at all. If he had I could at least understand it. I saw him quickly look away from me literally once, he never spoke out of turn or did anything to encourage me.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 16/03/2020 21:01

@Postspecific

If you’re honest with yourself, you’ve filled in the gaps on this person with your own needs, your own imagined nuances to his behaviour, your favourite lines and generic love story tropes. He’s basically a very sophisticated imaginary friend.

Oh.My.God. Yes, this is how it is. I don't know him at all, we did not interact anywhere near enough to get to that level. And then he was gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 16/03/2020 21:04

@NoMoreDickheads.

No, we are both single.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 16/03/2020 21:16

@Postspecific

It can also work to isolate different aspects of the person and ask them why that appeals and try to trace it back. It sounds cliche but we do often create in other people what we wanted when we were little and never had. Fatherly love is a common one. Limerence for authority figures, for example, is usually the need for a strong, consistent father figure.

Ok this is very interesting. He is a very 'strong' person, you could imagine him being in a position of authority, definitely. My father did a runner when I was born and although I never missed him, or a father figure, I think about him a lot and wonder why he did it.

Another thing, I saw a photo of my father once and he was blonde. I may fancy a blonde actor or whatever but actual real men I meet who I could theoretically get together with are always, always dark haired.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 16/03/2020 21:35

Another thing I have realised is that if there is a shutdown of everything in the UK, my life will carry on as before, my workplace will still open as usual, and I will go to work, buy food and......thats all I do really. I'm desperately lonely and he is my fantasy friend and my fantasy lover.

OP posts:
BillyN0Mates · 17/03/2020 08:06

Sorry if I've missed this but op if you're both single, is there no chance of a relationship?

Original poster
RedIsWhereItsAt · 17/03/2020 10:22

@BillyN0Mates

He was sent away for a work thing, I'll probably not see him again despite the fact he is taking up a massive space in my mind. Unless I bump into him in the street, but that's not likely.

OP posts:
BillyN0Mates · 17/03/2020 12:18

Ah sorry.

It is exhausting isn't it? Like a Drug!

CatAndHisKit · 18/03/2020 01:18

OP, but as there seem to be no obstacles, why wouldn't you consider asking him out? I'm sure you can get his contact details or contact on social media? Especially as you won't work together anymore, doesn't seem like there is a reason not to try...
I know you say he didn't ncourage you really but nor did you get the rong vibes, maybe he did look at you more than once, you wouldn't know.

CatAndHisKit · 18/03/2020 01:19

*wrong vibes

Lynda07 · 18/03/2020 01:57

I don't know if hearing my experience will help because we different people but it did happen to me, twice. There was no question or even a possibility of a relationship with either, it was all in my head and neither ever knew.

One I didn't see for a while and when I eventually did, the feeling just disappeared. The other one was and is a lovely man and I eventually got my feelings in proportion.

No harm was done.

A fantasy can be a lovely thing in its own right as long as it doesn't stop you living your life and you don't try and put it into practice.

It wouldn't be wrong to put it into practice if both single of course.