How can i get some control over my limerance?

[RedIsWhereItsAt]

It's all consuming, taking over my mind and body. I try to keep busy but it sneaks up. It's disturbing me and I feel powerless against it. Can I actually do anything or do I just have to be tolerant and wait?

It’s horrible, I know. You feel like you’re losing your mind.

What got me over mine (after 3 years) was getting a new job, and one I actually loved. I found I wasn’t thinking about him any more because I was too focused on work.

Not suggesting you change careers, but is there anything you could do that might distract you? Maybe a hobby you’ve always wanted to try?

I've got a bad dose of it right now. It's driving me nuts. I'm a logical and rational person but limerence doesn't give a crap about logic and rationality. I've tried everything apart from elastic bands, but that's next.

Without a doubt, if you find a major fault with him, then poof it will disappear in a moment. If you won't see him again, that is tricky.

Another thing is to put all your energy into someone or something else. This has worked for me and has actually been of benefit in another area of my life.

Lastly, wait it out. Unless you've got a really bad case, you'll need just a few months.

I'm at 6 months on Sunday. That's 6 months without an hour's respite from obsessive thoughts. Ideally I would go NC but this person occasionally pops into my life and I'm too worried about upsetting them to stop that. I feel like I'd have to be honest and explain why I could never see them again, and them hating me or thinking I'm weird is too much to bear. I don't follow them on social media, I don't message them, I only ever wait for them to contact me. It's kind of under control apart from my mind swinging back to them all the flipping time. I don't see a way out, actually.

Writing it down, I realise this is ridiculous. I will try and get a grip, somehow .

OP is that because he encouraged you at some point? I think we get trapped because we think they may reciprocate, that's the case with me anyway. Supposed to be easier for me as I've never slept with him, but you may have also been hooled sexually.
My warped thinking is, even though in my case he completely ignores me on SM now I vividly remember how he WAS nice at some point (ages ago!) and I thought, attracted. Why can't it click that it's not the case now and even before it was probably just a bit of an ego boost for him?

GiffGaff was there anything in particular that made you see the light? 20yrs!

*hooked

The cure is distance. Genuine distance- avoid at all costs. Block from everything. But mean it, not blocking so he notices and contacts you. And then time. It’s hard, but it will keep being hard until you completely remove them from your life. Especially don’t look them up on social media etc.

@CatAndHisKit - think it was realisation that it was the situation (time in my life, being young and free of any responsibility, how I felt about myself at the time) rather than him and I was dusaluding that time in my life by thinking it was him that made me feel that way when it wasnt. I was young (17) he had a car and other (what I thought) were great things (possessions) at the time. I have all that now - or could buy it if I didn't have it - I think I just grew up and realised what was important. I'm still FB friends with him but no longer feel the need to constantly check his profile. Hths others in the same position

Also - life is short, why waste it on someone who doesn't give a toss. I had a brief limerance with someone else 3 years ago.. he tossed me aside as soon as like he does with all women. Hes a womaniser and a shit and I'm glad he showed his true colours and made me see the light, its what I needed

@RedIsWhereItsAt...

1. Read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH
2. Counselling
3. Fill your life with activities that give you joy

The above can run concurrently . The elastic band trick is very useful too...

Giffthank you that's understandable, he was the first exciting thing with asllthe exciting objects attached too! You say yo ujust grew up - but it took you 20+ years i.e. at 37? too a while to grow up, you mean!

DoubleYouex I'm at around 4yr mark, but I can't seem to manage to stop the SM checking (as well as seeing him socially when possible - not frequent, and lately no close personal contact at those events), he posts nearly daily though not a big amount, but I just find the stuff he posts interesting most of the time.
I obviously find others on SM interesting too or my friends but he's got an edge somehow. I don't know, it's like he engages MY mind more than others' as I always want to comment. It'd be a LOT easier if it was just a physical/sexual thing, they always pass eventually. We did have that deep eye contact a lot initially so there is a physical element too. So yeah, how the heck can i stop myself - I have no substitute on same level. Even if I manage a bit of break I just feel like I'm curbing my enjoyment, and I go back.

sorry Giff, not sure what happened with all the word collating etc! " took a while" , obviously.

the worst thing is, Double is that I find it upsetting and sad that he initially saw me as someone ecxiting and interesting, it was quite clear, he used to respond, but now ignores and probably sees me as a pathetic crush victim who can't move on or control herself.

I have this. Its hell. Object of mine reeled me in with huge amounts of attention and telling me how amazing I was, that he had never met anyone like me etc. Gradually tailing off and resulting in me chasing too hard esp because I am involved elsewhere. I am trying to stop thinking about it at all. I cant stop thinking about it/him though...and to understand why it changed. It sucks.

Are you continuing to live your life? I mean living as if he wasnt in your head.

Still planning things and holidays and socialising

If you're still living your life I'd say you're ok and it will pass.

If not there is a problem

I have had this before and it has always been a sign of something else lacking in my life. So the solution wasn't to stop thinking about him, it was to start working on fixing whatever was wrong elsewhere in my life. When that was sorted, the limerence disappeared without any special effort from me.

I'm going through this right now - I had a pretty intense yr or so with the object of mine (while being committed long term!) - we work together so it has been very difficult. He met someone a while ago and wanted to continue what we had but I said I need to withdraw. Since then he has been effectively shoving that relationship in my face, which really hasn't been easy to deal with. I get to hear all the details. He is still in touch (non-professionally) now and then and that makes it even harder, just when I think I might be out of it, I get a drunk message and it feels like I've gone back to step one.

All the things people have suggested do help, but I'm still so annoyed at myself for thinking about him/it at all, I have plenty of things going on in my life that should absolutely be my priority, so I hate that this is taking up so much mental and emotional energy.

I deleted and blocked the person on all social media and their number and emails. I deleted all photos / sentimental items that had a connection to them. I stopped listening to songs or basically anything that reminded me of that person.

Then take each day at a time. Every time I started to have a little daydream about them, actively went and did something else that required concentration. Eventually the feeling passes.

@CatAndHisKit

He initially saw me as someone ecxiting and interesting, it was quite clear, he used to respond, but now ignores and probably sees me as a pathetic crush victim who can't move on or control herself.

///\
totally this. The second limerance for me (as mentioned above) did this. He loved the attention I gave him initially then he ignored me thereafter and everytime I drunk messaged him I looked and felt a totally fool when he never replied or worse- he would not read my whatsapp for up to a week sometimes despite being on line loads. I felt so stupid

Anyone hear the line 'I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to meet you'

For some reason that really sticks out for me. Total infatuation.

I try to focus on reality and really see his flaws but it's hard.

I also try and practice CBT. I'm not a mind reader so it's stupid to try and imagine what he's doing/thinking.

I have to see this person sporadically for work project and joint work some stuff and I've really noticed the tone of the messages has shifted. I'm trying not to dwell on it as ultimately I rejected him but it's awful!

What's the difference between limerence and unrequited love/infatuation?

Keeping busy, taking up a new hobby (an exhausting one), reconnecting with friends and family may all help.

Maybe some vigorous exercize and frenzied masturbation (without thinking of them!)

You could also think of the person's faults/stuff you don't particularly like about them, or any drawbacks to the situation. Write down everything you don't like.

If definitely go to SLAA. Dont be put off by the title, they definitely address limerence and, frankly, when you're desperate you'll try anything.

I agree, limerence is hell on earth.

I usually just read posts these days but thought I could help...

I recognise myself as someone prone to limerence because I have a very active imagination and a fixative nature. It helps me to analyse what it is about the object of my affection that I’m fabricating; I tend to fixate in certain people and bend them to archetypal figures that might have been missing in earlier or current life. If I analyse enough, I can usually demystify enough that it takes the shine off. And what I’m left with is a more honest version of whoever it is.

Yes I agree with @Postspecific . I 'fall in love' easily. Itemize their faults and ugly/unpleasant features and actions etc.

For instance when I was 19 I was 'in love' with someone, and looking back his every pore was black from smoking, and he was a bit weird looking. He also talked shit and had an ego on him.

Probably you can find some physical faults or things he's done that are crap, ways in which you aren't compatible etc.

Recently I was really into someone, then the sisters on this forum helped me realize what he was like.

If you describe all the bad stuff he's done here or reasons it could never work, it'll help you as you can refer back to it, and others will add their opinions to confirm your own.

@opticaldelusion is right. It’s debilitating. I struggle with maladaptive daydreaming and it interferes with my real life. I have to work hard not to enter into it at all.

If you’re honest with yourself, you’ve filled in the gaps on this person with your own needs, your own imagined nuances to his behaviour, your favourite lines and generic love story tropes. He’s basically a very sophisticated imaginary friend.

I love the idea of a very sophisticated imaginary friend. This really resonates with me. Thank you