How can i get some control over my limerance?

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It's all consuming, taking over my mind and body. I try to keep busy but it sneaks up. It's disturbing me and I feel powerless against it. Can I actually do anything or do I just have to be tolerant and wait?

You’re very welcome. It’s actually really liberating when you realise that it’s everything to do with you and next to nothing to do with the other person.

Is it helpful to tell the other person or not do you think?

@bangheadhere40 I think it'd depend on the circumstances. I don't think OP answered when I asked her if her 'crush' is in a relationship.

I wouldn't tell the other person! What has it got to do with them? I think I would find it a bit creepy with someone told me that they had obsessive feelings about me.

I think I have this. I can't get a certain man out of my head, it's very debilitating to be honest. I've tried meeting other men, I know this will go no where with him but he's there in my head and I really can't stop it however much I try and focus my attention elsewhere. Even when I've been with other guys he is still there, I can't stop thinking about him. I have never had anything like this feeling, ever!!!

It's so upsetting for me and I just don't know what to do. I've tried NC for 4 weeks, no help, still the same. Now in sporadic contact which is probably worse. I'm really suffering with this as well, it's making me sad, not happy. The thought of NC is worse though.

Non-contact isn’t really enough because it’s more about you than him. You need to stop the thoughts in their tracks as soon as they begin until you’ve rewired those pathways. It will get easier over time.

And it will happen again. And again. And then you’ll begin to be ale to extrapolate which bits you carry over to other people and therefore are all your own doing.

Postspecific helpful, wise posts from you, thanks. I understand and agree that it's mainly to do with the lack/ the need within yoursel - but how do you practically rewire those thoughts. Ane simple examples?

Redirect thought processes.
Imagine yourself actually waving goodbye and the “vision” of them disappearing as a puff of smoke.

If you think of neural connections as paths, it’s always easiest to follow the well-trodden ones. You need to carve out new paths so routine and habitual actions or hobbies in response to those thoughts to re-direct.

It can also work to isolate different aspects of the person and ask them why that appeals and try to trace it back. It sounds cliche but we do often create in other people what we wanted when we were little and never had. Fatherly love is a common one. Limerence for authority figures, for example, is usually the need for a strong, consistent father figure.

It’s a little (not to minimise - I say a little) like multiple personalities. It can be really helpful because what you want in this person (what you may well have fabricated on their behalf) can tell you what you need to work on in yourself. It’s a bit like codependency but mirrored back.

I think it will fade with time OP, or you'll find someone else.

Out of curiosity, do you all think this limerence is mostly a female trait, or do you know of any men who fall for women in this way? Men seem adept at being able to close off from women emotionally... or is it just an act? Do any of you have male friends who have confessed to such thoughts?

I don't think it does fade in time izzy. Imo it is like an addiction and you wouldn't tell an alcoholic that the obsession with booze will fade in time...

Men get it just the same as women. It is hell.

It’s not chronological. It usually has triggers - like a lot of obsessive behaviour. Some people use it as an escape and a defence from reality so it might be really pronounced in times of crisis.

@springydaff @postspecific - sorry, I'm perhaps thinking of it in a different way (didn't mean to offend by saying it would fade). To help me understand, would you say this is different from a crush that is going nowhere, so to speak? E.g. intensely fancying someone you're not likely to end up with?
Also, am I to understand that this may last years? How would this compare to the length of a standard crush?

Thanks for your explanations above. I was just genuinely interested in whether men go through this (purely because, as other threads evidence, men do seem to encourage women to fall for them without meaning to reciprocate it. It seems sad if it's mostly women who feel this way).

I don't see why it wouldn't fade eventually, even OP suggested in the initial post that she just has to wait it out.

It's also fade more quickly if you limit contact as much as possible.

A great scholar / an internet hack (can't remember which) stated that the only cure for unrequited love is to obtain evidence that the love is not reciprocated. I tried this approach. It was painful, but it worked. The most difficult thing was that the other party was not sure and was flattered.

*It'll

The other thing that did help was my therapist bringing me around to realising that I had 'given' him some of the qualities that he had, that they in fact were aspects of me.

It's also good that unrequited love does not stop in a time of contagion.

Yes to 'giving' qualities. I've definitely done this.

I have a very vivid imagination. So much more fun than reality but really it's not real is it?

A very sophisticated imaginary friend is a great description. It really resonates with me - I'm prone to limerence and am semi-dealing with it right now. I say semi because it's nowhere near as intense and intrusive as the previous occasion, but still unpleasant!

What differentiates limerence from an ordinary crush for me is the level of intrusiveness of the thoughts about the person. It doesn't help when you have a very vivid imagination as I do, and I think this is common for people who get limerence. You start projecting all sorts of scenarios in your head and invent qualities in the person they probably don't even have. There is something enjoyable about it, in the same way any escapist fantasy is enjoyable, but it can very quickly become more and more difficult to switch off.

I've found that nothing except time and space from the person helps. If you can be disciplined about your intrusive thoughts and projections that can help too, but I find this very difficult! Good luck and try not to feed it too much.

@TheWindowDonkey same.
Ugh.

Limerence and crush are two entirely different things. A crush is kinda lovely, limerence is obsession the sufferer is completely powerless against. It is hell on earth, like being got by the neck by a demon, agony.

Imo it is an addiction, hence why I suggested SLAA, above. This is precisely the stuff they deal with. (I think maybe we get a distorted view of sex and love addiction - something slebs get who can't/won't keep it in their pants eg. It is so not that. It is intensely painful. Nothing like a crush or, indeed, unrequited love, as painful as the latter can be.)

Yy there's psychology around why we get caught in this particular agonising net - but it takes rather a loooong time to get to the root. If rather go to somewhere like SLAA which sees results fairly quickly while you may or may NOT concurrently go through the psychological archeological dig.

I'm going on, rather, about SLAA. I suppose because I feel there is a generally dismissive view of it.

^^Don't know why the caps NOT there! Didn't type it in caps