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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband been to GUM clinic

102 replies

mummy1428 · 11/03/2020 09:50

I was looking for something in my husbands drawers this morning and came across some genital wart treatment that had been prescribed to him from our local GUM clinic. I questioned him about it and he said he didn't tell me he went because he was "too embarrassed". We had genital warts when we first got together about 15 years ago and as far as I know he hasn't had them again since. He is claiming this is a reoccurrence and he has not cheated. I have no idea if I should believe him or not. I haven't ever suspected him of cheating but he does work late a lot so I'm not stupid enough to think it's not possible. Just looking for advice from strangers please... what would you do? We have two kids, age 2 & 4. I would be heartbroken to ruin their family but my gut tells me something isn't right here.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 14/04/2020 12:24

He lied about having a clean bill of health sexually then gave you chlamydia and warts the first time you experienced sex at age 18? What a prize.

Not surprised you wonder where he's been dipping it now.

midnightstar66 · 14/04/2020 12:28

It's most likely a flare up. I don't know how it would even work re catching as they are viral , however he would have shared this with you especially as it's something you went through together previously and could have been either one of you who had a flare. That would cause more suspicion than anything else

midnightstar66 · 14/04/2020 12:29

Also I don't think they freeze them anymore op

mummy1428 · 14/04/2020 12:31

@midnightstar66 yeah I agree that it's more the lying that causes me suspicion rather than the warts themselves. I doubt he would know enough about them to know it's even possible that it was a flare up hence why he lied. Not forgetting that he also said it turned out to just be a spot (but yet they still prescribed him treatment). Again not true. Just so shady

OP posts:
IdleLiz · 14/04/2020 12:40

He has knowingly put you at risk again.

Seriously OP, open your eyes.

mummy1428 · 14/04/2020 12:48

@IdleLiz how can you know it's not just a flare up of the old infection?

OP posts:
Wouldyou66 · 14/04/2020 12:54

how can you know it's not just a flare up of the old infection?
You can’t for sure. But a diagnosis of chlamydia or something else would confirm cheating for sure.

Devlesko · 14/04/2020 12:54

Gosh, he gave you chlamydia and god knows what.
Sounds like he's been spreading his germs from before you met and throughout your relationship.
Sounds like he can't keep it in his pants.
Dirty bastard.

mummy1428 · 14/04/2020 13:00

@Wouldyou66 100%, if there's anything else confirmed I will know for sure.

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mummy1428 · 14/04/2020 13:01

@Devlesko yeah he gave me chlamydia when I was 18 - 15 years ago. I'm not holding that against him but yes if I have it now then clearly he can't keep it in his pants

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SunshineCake · 14/04/2020 13:01

Whether he has cheated or not the really hurtful thing to me is he risked your health and doesn't seem to care.

mummy1428 · 14/04/2020 13:03

@SunshineCake yes can't forget that thank you

OP posts:
izzywizzygood · 14/04/2020 13:05

If someone gave me chlamydia and warts I'd run for the hills, not marry them! Grin Very strange and hurtful that he didn't tell you about the latest round of warts... what's to hide?

mummy1428 · 14/04/2020 13:07

@izzywizzygood he gave two explanations for lying. The first was that he was embarrassed and the second was that he knew I would accuse him of cheating 🤔

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 14/04/2020 13:09

yeah he gave me chlamydia when I was 18 - 15 years ago. I'm not holding that against him

But you said he LIED about being told he was clean, even back then.

mummy1428 · 14/04/2020 13:10

@TwentyViginti yes you're correct. B@stard

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SpillTheTea · 14/04/2020 13:34

Why would he lie about it and risk your health twice? That's horrible and I don't blame you for being suspicious. Yes, it could be another flare up, but the lying makes no sense. He doesn't give a shit does he?

BackseatCookers · 14/04/2020 13:41

Even if it turns out to be true he thought he had warts again, it would be awful he didn't warn you at the time. I'd be rethinking everything because of that alone.

But the fact he has a treatment at home despite claiming to be all clear makes it sound more shady than that.

Poor you, bet you've got that horrible gutpunch feeling in your tummy 😔

Dontletitbeyou · 15/04/2020 08:59

I was 18 and it was my first time having unprotected sex so I knew I was ok. He told me he had been tested at a recent medical and got the all clear which was a lie. Yes I should have known back then he was trouble!

What were you thinking when you married him . ? Fuckin loser , giving you an STI after lying to your face about getting the all clear . That’s your health he has such a casual disregard for .
FUCK THAT for a game of soldiers .Hes a straight up liar. I’d get rid , well I wouldn’t have seen him again once I found out he’d passed that shit on to me anyway .

Dery · 18/04/2020 19:33

This doesn’t help you, OP, but your story has prompted me to re-post the following:

When I was about 18, my father shared with me the following pearl of wisdom: 'Never trust what a man tells you about his sex life'. Not exactly what you want to hear from your dad. But actually every time I have had the opportunity to test that piece of advice directly or on behalf of friends (and there have been dozens of such occasions), that advice has proven to be accurate.

I don't know what impulse causes men to lie about their sex life - I think it may stem from some kind of default assumption that men are 'naughtier' when it comes to sex than women (which is of course not true) and that the woman will be disapproving of and/or jealous about the man's history and will therefore decline to sleep with him. It's probably more relevant in your teens and twenties when people have varying degrees of history. In my and my friends' experience, it's generally been quite innocuous (for example, one boyfriend told me he had only had 1 partner before me when in fact it transpired he'd had 3; i'd had 5 and we were using condoms), so I'm not suggesting that these men have deeply sinister sexual secrets to hide. However, it did mean that I have always insisted on condoms (coming of age in the mid-80s probably also had something to do with that, of course) and would walk away from a sexual encounter rather than compromise on using a condom. My DH was the first man I had condomless sex with - and that was only after we had settled down into our long-term committed relationship.

No doubt there are exceptions to that rule and it becomes less relevant once you hit 30s, 40s and older because people are presumed to have a fair degree of sexual history by then and don’t necessarily discuss it in the same way. But it's proved a useful thing to bear in mind.

As for what’s happening now - I hope you’re able to clear up your discharge etc as soon as possible and be completely comfortable again. However the failure to say anything to you is problematic: for your own health you surely are entitled to know if his genital warts have flared up again. Good luck sorting this out OP.

mummy1428 · 18/04/2020 20:03

@Dery thank you for your comments, I appreciate them.

I have sent away the home test and I am currently awaiting the results. He made a moody comment about us not having sex at the moment last night which made me want to punch him in the face. The sooner I get these results the better!

I have realised that he has no respect for me and only cares about himself and his sexual "needs". I am useful to him - for sex, life admin, childcare, someone to complain about work too. That's where it ends.

OP posts:
mummy1428 · 20/04/2020 17:22

Got my test results back and I'm negative for chlamydia and ghonoreah. Feeling stuck now as I still have no proof. I don't believe he hasn't cheated but I can't break up my family without being certain. Such a shit position to be in

OP posts:
chocolatespiders · 20/04/2020 17:26

Can I ask how you accessed the home test please?

Hope you sort things in a way you feel comfortable.

mummy1428 · 20/04/2020 18:22

@chocolatespiders I ordered it online from Lloyd's pharmacy. It's a swab that you take and send back to them

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Friendsofmine · 20/04/2020 18:27

Just to say that you don't need proof to split your family.

You only need to know you are with a liar who thinks it is OK to avoid embarrassing conversations (at best) even if it risks your health and his feelings are more important to him than the good of the couple.

These are reasons enough to ask for counselling or leave.

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