morning sex

[JackieBauer]

I've been dating someone for a few months now, we get on really well and sex is great. Thing is he's a morning person and I'm not, a few times he has tried to wake me up early for sex by touching my nipples and a hand between my legs. I love sex but I work night shifts and I have explained that I don't do morning sex. Afternoon, evening, lovely, but respect that I am just not a morning person.
The other morning he tried again, touching my nipples, I gently moved his hand away but he still tried, pushed his hand away again, When we got up later he was grumpy. I went home and texted him later to say again that I'm not a morning person, don't be fiddling about with me when I'm sleeping, It's not on.
His reply was "thing is see, what you've got to understand is i might be groping you when I'm half asleep and I don't know what I'm doing"
I was bloody tamping, told him to take responsibility for his actions, not make stupid excuses, if I punched him in the face would it be ok if I said I was half asleep??? I actually told him I felt violated and was now a bit wary of him.
Can I have some other views on this please, he has since apologised and is very remorseful, promising that it will never happen again. I've been on my own for a while and wondering if I am over reacting.

Lighten up? My wife is a paediatric consultant, I want her to get decent sleep. My sexual needs are not a priority in that respect because I love her and want the best for her. Actually, she's the morning person! I'm a real night owl. But you know, being mature adults who respect and love each other, we speak to each other, make our preferences known and I really don't want to share intimacy with her if she's not totally up for it, nor she with me. It has FA to do with 'hang ups' or being repressed, as anyone with a maturity level over the age of 16 can realise.

I wish people would fuck off with the word rapey. It’s such a stupid, childish word for such a serious issue.

Bloody hell this is eye opening. He's sexually assaulting you OP so why would that warrant a second chance, god knows. Telling you why you've 'got to' excuse it and sulking when he doesn't get the sex he already knows you don't want. Very depressing that so many women think this is normal or remotely excusable. He's a misogynist prick OP, shaft him and listen to your own existing gut feelings.

It's not about preferences Tiffany, it's about the bloody law and having some respect for other people. Agreeing to be someones partner isnt bloody pre consent to their body. How unhealthy.

Men are not intellectually unable to get in line, they are just endlessly entitled to behave how they want as this is the way the world works. Doesn't mean you have to accept that or tolerate it or accommodate it. I've managed to go my life not pestering coercing, faulting or assaulting partners who I know aren't in the mood. Wasn't hard.

I think you handled it really well.

He took the piss after the first explanation and you got firm.

I think you got through this time, now he knows you really mean it and you felt violated.

If he ever does it again, punch him in the face half asleep and bin.

Making an assumption my partner does not freely express her desires is a mistake, so no I don't just roll on, we both roll on each other figuratively speaking. The intimacy is not an individual need, it's shared, in sync.
None of this 'I'm not having sex in the morning ever', she doesn't ask my permission to smack my bum in the kitchen or put her hand in my crotch whilst driving. How unnatural to contractualise behaviour between partners in such an arbitrary way. Bit like the concept of the date night, scheduling, jesus how passion and love destroying.

Consent sounds fine, however, the definition and parameters vary from person to person. Good luck with that concept and coming to a consistent agreement with the other party.

thing is see, what you've got to understand

No 'got to' about it.

Tell him it isn't funny.

And he needs to understand that no means no or that's the end of it.

Well @tiffanysetting we also have a general presumption that we don't usually refuse sex if the other wants it and we also grope at any time without asking first but the key here is that if my DW says stop then I stop. I agree that setting arbitrary rules about when to have it, or not, seems rather sad but the OP is perfectly entitled to do that. If it's a deal breaker for her DP then he should break the deal.

Groping has a negative connotation, why use such a pejorative term. It's not about the other wanting sex, it's about both parties being in sync, which involves prioritising, communication and trust. Othering creates a demarcation in the relationship, how about we instead of I.

I agree, the Op can set any arbitrary rules she likes as can anyone, don't be surprised when the other party either doesn't understand or disappears.

@Tiffanysetting you don't seem to understand 'consent'. Consent isn't about 'arbitrary' rule setting for the sake of it.

Consent is the sexual parameters of the relationship that both people involved are happy with. Consent is also a ongoing. For example, your partner may enjoy having their bum slapped as they go past you today but if they ask you not to do it tomorrow, you don't keep doing it. You stop.

Consent comes from mutual respect, understanding and trust.

At the beginning of your relationship, you and your partner will have agreed mutually respectful sexual behaviours. That doesn't mean you talked about it or wrote it down, it will have happened when you first became physical with each other.

For example, you may have pulled your partner's hair during sex and they said, 'Don't do that, it hurts, I don't like it.' You now know that they don't enjoy hair pulling so you don't do it again.

I hope that's clear.

At the beginning of their relationship, the OP told her bf that she doesn't like or enjoy morning sex. After being told that, he tried to become sexual with her in the morning. Can you see how that is breaking a boundary she has set and isn't acceptable?

I know full well that consent or affirmative consent is. Bureaucracy within sexual relationships.
Changing the dynamic from one of spontaneity to one of taker or taken or like in this case abuser and victim.
All acts then become a potential violation of the self imposed boundaries.
Perspective, he tried it on twice in the morning, he was rebuffed. Time to move on.

Who's preferences take precedent
The morning sex person or the one who doesn't want sex in the morning

Faux naïveté is so fucking tiresome.

Like @DingleberryRose I know someone who has actual sexsomnia. It freaks him out so much that he has been having therapy for a year to try and work it out. I think anyone who just shrugs it off is being an arse who won’t take responsibility for their actions.

Also, the fact that he gets in a grump suggests he remembers what happened perfectly well.

I remember my DH telling me about a woman he dated briefly who actually asked for this, she wanted him to wake her up by inserting his penis when she was still asleep . He refused to do it because he rightly felt that it was, in ways, rape.

I think it classes as sexual assault if I’m being honest OP. You’re asleep, you clearly have not consented to him groping you or putting his hand between your legs and you have in fact asked him to stop but he did it again. I doubt he was asleep himself, he used that as a shit excuse to excuse his creepy behaviour.

I don’t think his actions are tantamount to rape tbh but I don’t like his excuse or reaction and I’d lay down the law with him about acceptable behaviour.

Fwiw, I’m not a morning person either OP and sex the moment you open your eyes is not my idea of fun. Give me some time to come round at least! Morning bed coffee helps immensely!

Hi OP. I would show him this thread, as he doesn't seem to 'get it'.
If all is otherwise well in the relationship, I'd give it another chance. But absolutely end it if he violated your boundaries again.

I'm ever so glad my concept of passion and love evolved beyond a horny teenager's . Life is so much more profound because of it.

So many clueless people in this thread.

I suppose their boundaries are their own, but other people are allowed their physical autonomy and to have boundaries and not want their partner to come onto them when they don't want it, or especially when they've told the other person they don't want it. That is not wrong.

I think most people only want sex/to be touched sexually at some times, and not at other times. It's not an unusual expectation to expect a partner to not grope you (it's a descriptive word, and yes touching someone when they don't want it should rightly have negative connotations) when you don't want it.