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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

morning sex

92 replies

JackieBauer · 10/03/2020 09:59

I've been dating someone for a few months now, we get on really well and sex is great. Thing is he's a morning person and I'm not, a few times he has tried to wake me up early for sex by touching my nipples and a hand between my legs. I love sex but I work night shifts and I have explained that I don't do morning sex. Afternoon, evening, lovely, but respect that I am just not a morning person.
The other morning he tried again, touching my nipples, I gently moved his hand away but he still tried, pushed his hand away again, When we got up later he was grumpy. I went home and texted him later to say again that I'm not a morning person, don't be fiddling about with me when I'm sleeping, It's not on.
His reply was "thing is see, what you've got to understand is i might be groping you when I'm half asleep and I don't know what I'm doing"
I was bloody tamping, told him to take responsibility for his actions, not make stupid excuses, if I punched him in the face would it be ok if I said I was half asleep??? I actually told him I felt violated and was now a bit wary of him.
Can I have some other views on this please, he has since apologised and is very remorseful, promising that it will never happen again. I've been on my own for a while and wondering if I am over reacting.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/03/2020 16:30

My husband isn't perfect but he manages not to sexually assault me. Raise your bar friend

MilleniumHallsWalledGarden · 10/03/2020 16:57

this (to me, very minor, if annoying element).

Wow.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/03/2020 16:57

My husband isn't perfect but he manages not to sexually assault me. Raise your bar friend

absolutely agreed

friendineed · 10/03/2020 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 10/03/2020 17:53

this (to me, very minor, if annoying element).

Yes it's a little bit annoying being sexually assaulted while asleep when you've told someone you don't wish to be touched sexually while asleep.

Saying a polite piss off and shut up to people? You sound lovely.

And you don't have an issue with other people's opinions? You seem really angry and defensive. I hope you're ok.

Maybe have a little calm down and stop telling other adults to piss off, shut up and calling them unkind / unforgiving for not wanting people to touch them sexually when they've told them, in advance, they don't wish to be touched at that time.

Have a lovely day you gem Thanks

Reginabambina · 10/03/2020 17:58

In all fairness I have on multiple occasions woken my husband for sex while still asleep/having just woken from a sex dream not realising it was a dream. He may genuinely not realise what he’s doing.

Qwerty543 · 10/03/2020 17:59

He should only have had to have been told once about this. Anything beyond that has made it sexual assault. I'd bin for this. He won't learn as he didn't bother to before.

MilleniumHallsWalledGarden · 10/03/2020 18:00

You've made it abundantly clear that you do have a problem with others' opinions though, friendineed. All of your posts have been about how unreasonable you find people who think the OP's partner's behaviour is out of order. Hmm

Reginabambina · 10/03/2020 18:01

@NoMoreDickheads anything to substantiate your claims? This is literately the only way I actually like being woken (I like my sleep, pretty much the only thing I like more is sex). Everyone is different.

MauriceandAlec · 10/03/2020 18:02

He may genuinely not realise what he’s doing.

Then why did he tell her it wouldn't happen again? Is he now magically able to control it? Why not the first time it happened was he not mortified and full of suggestions on how to avoid it as he is so unaware of his groping her?

mbosnz · 10/03/2020 18:03

If it happened again, I think I'd sleepily turn over and knee him bloody hard in the 'nads. 'Sorry, half asleep, thought I was being sexually assaulted - oh wait'. . .

restingbitchface30 · 10/03/2020 18:12

Jesus people are really blowing this shit out of proportion! I wish my fella would wake me up this way. But now you’ve told him this isn’t your thing and you don’t like it he should respect that. Don’t get rid right now but if he does it again he isn’t respecting u, then I’d get rid. And it’s not ok to call this man rapey or a rapist at all.

mbosnz · 10/03/2020 18:19

If someone touches someone sexually without their consent (particularly if they have been explicitly told that they do not wish to be touched in this way at this time and don't do it), they are committing sexual assault.

If you wish your fella would wake you up that way, tell him.

This fella has been very clearly told that this person does not wish to be woken this way.

AgeLikeWine · 10/03/2020 18:20

Given that he has apologised and promised it won’t happen again, and assuming there were no other issues and I liked the guy, I would give him another chance, but at the first hint of him overstepping boundaries again, I would dump him on the spot and that would be final.

12345kbm · 10/03/2020 18:31

I have explained that I don't do morning sex.

The first time he did it, she explained that she doesn't do morning sex.

He then did it again, and, instead of taking responsibility for his behaviour, said that he was half asleep and not in control.

The first time, fair enough, he wasn't to know, the second time is abusive.

The OP says she feels 'violated' because her boundaries were not respected. It's time to cut and run.

SillySpaniel · 10/03/2020 18:38

This is not ok! Sleazy prick! My ex was like this but would try fiddling with me at 2/3am while I was fast asleep. I would tell him to leave me alone and turn over but he never listened and it would happen again.

Notcoolmum · 10/03/2020 18:46

My ex did this. And I used to wake up to him having sex with me. I cried and told him how much I hated it. He carried on. I used to be scared to go to sleep in my own bed. I didn't realise it was rape because he was my husband and we were in bed together and that sort of thing didn't happen to people like me and other excuses. But it was rape. You have told him more than once it's not acceptable for you and he carried on. This means he puts his own sexual gratification above his respect for you as a person.

mbosnz · 10/03/2020 18:50

@Notcoolmum

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I really am.

I used to work on a telephone crisis line, and I had a very elderly lady cry down the line at me, as I told her what she had always known - that her husband had raped her. Marital rape, even when it was 'legal' was still what it really was - rape.

Notcoolmum · 10/03/2020 22:17

Thank you @mbosnz there was a whole heap of abuse I didn't recognise. He would pretend he was asleep and not aware of what he was doing just like the OP's bloke. Of course it was BS. He used the fact he wanted sex as a weapon against me and as proof of his love. The whole situation was vile. I'd not give up my bed, my safe space, lightly again.

NoMoreDickheads · 11/03/2020 15:31

@NoMoreDickheads anything to substantiate your claims? This is literately the only way I actually like being woken (I like my sleep, pretty much the only thing I like more is sex). Everyone is different.

Yes, that's the point. You do you. But I think it's a pretty safe bet that a fair few/most women don't like it, in fact we know it for a fact based on all the women who post about their husbands assaulting or raping them in this way.

When most people are asleep, they tend to want to be asleep.

And it’s not ok to call this man rapey or a rapist at all

@restingbitchface30 He is though mate, he's doing sexual stuff to the OP without her consent. That's sexual assault and illegal. We mightn't even know the half of it.

@Notcoolmum Sad Sad Sad Glad you're free. xxxxx

MarieQueenofScots · 11/03/2020 15:36

I'm going to demand impeccable standards and never, ever give anyone a second chance

Fuck me is expecting not to be sexually assaulted “impeccable standards”.

FWIW I do like being woken like this. My FWB asks each and every night we’re together whether it’s ok or I’m not up for it, because it’s very easy not to be a rapey bastard.

Whether I like it (or indeed you do) is irrelevant to the OP who doesn’t, has asked her partner not to on several occasions and he still carries on.

It amazes me how some women tie themselves in knots to defend men whatever the fuck they do.

MauriceandAlec · 11/03/2020 15:42

Exactly, Mary! Why would you not ask what your OH's preferences are and then respect them? There's being playful but if they say, 'I'm not a morning person' then, you don't wake them after they're asleep after a night shift. My wife is a consultant doctor, if she's been up late and I've got advanced warning I'll do something like make her favourite muffins, set up the teasmade and leave a note that it's all ready and see her later because, well, I love her. I don't want to do stuff to her that she doesn't like because I love her.

Tiffanysetting · 13/03/2020 11:14

Who's preferences take precedent.
The morning sex person or the one who doesn't want sex in the morning.

Personally me and my girlfriend have no restrictions on sex frequency, only that's it's monogamous. sex releases bonding chemicals that keep couples together.
Far too many people have hang ups surrounding intimacy and sex. Lighten up.

12345kbm · 13/03/2020 11:21

@Tiffanysetting That's interesting. No restrictions on sex frequency so you just mount your girlfriend whenever it takes your fancy and pump away do you? She doesn't need to give consent?

Notcoolmum · 13/03/2020 12:13

@Tiffanysetting that can't be a real question? Whose preferences take priority?! Every sexual act should be done with full consent.