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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

morning sex

92 replies

JackieBauer · 10/03/2020 09:59

I've been dating someone for a few months now, we get on really well and sex is great. Thing is he's a morning person and I'm not, a few times he has tried to wake me up early for sex by touching my nipples and a hand between my legs. I love sex but I work night shifts and I have explained that I don't do morning sex. Afternoon, evening, lovely, but respect that I am just not a morning person.
The other morning he tried again, touching my nipples, I gently moved his hand away but he still tried, pushed his hand away again, When we got up later he was grumpy. I went home and texted him later to say again that I'm not a morning person, don't be fiddling about with me when I'm sleeping, It's not on.
His reply was "thing is see, what you've got to understand is i might be groping you when I'm half asleep and I don't know what I'm doing"
I was bloody tamping, told him to take responsibility for his actions, not make stupid excuses, if I punched him in the face would it be ok if I said I was half asleep??? I actually told him I felt violated and was now a bit wary of him.
Can I have some other views on this please, he has since apologised and is very remorseful, promising that it will never happen again. I've been on my own for a while and wondering if I am over reacting.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 10/03/2020 12:22

He's sexually assaulting you- which is illegal. It's unlikely/impossible that he's 'half asleep' enought to not know what he's doing, and it wouldn't count as a legal defence.

A few people have sexsomnia, but they're not half asleep, they're really under.

I'm not a morning person either.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/03/2020 12:25

"thing is see, what you've got to understand is i might be groping you when I'm half asleep and I don't know what I'm doing"

So he hasn't even said he IS half asleep, he only said he MIGHT be half asleep? That sounds to me like the worst possible kind of excuse! He couldn't even manage a 'sorry'?

Bin him. He thinks his desire for sex trumps your desire for sleep. And yes, he knows exactly what he's doing.

NoMoreDickheads · 10/03/2020 12:26

He tried it 'a few times' and has now got the message.

@friendineed No, he hasn't.

Maybe a former partner was happy for him to initiate sex like this

This is something you have to discuss with each partner to see if they consent. Women enjoying this is actually very rare. Abusers also often claim stuff like that to justify themselves.

Its irritating but not something major, and not something I would throw a relationship away for

Maybe sexual assault isn't something you'd end a relationship over. It is horrible and no-one should put up with it.

It's a short relationship so they are getting to know each other and what they do and don't like

Yes, she's learned he likes groping people without their consent.

friendineed · 10/03/2020 12:48

@NoMoreDickheads

Maybe you should read the OP? She says 'a few times'.... she says she told him in no uncertain terms she was pissed off and reports he is now very remorseful and says he won't do it again. To me that reads he tried it a few times and now realised he was wrong.

Of course if he does try it again, he's out!

How do you know women don't like morning sex? I did before I had children. Much nicer and more relaxed than nights when I was tired. OP works nights, so for her it's the end of a tiring day, not a relaxed experience, so she's quite right to express her views. When I worked nights I didn't want sex, just sleep.

Unfortunately for men they often wake up with an erection, so equating this with sex is a mistake some may make. Some of them just need telling a few times. Although in the MN perfect world you only have to say once... pick up your socks, put down the toilet seat, put your dirty plate in the dishwasher, take your shoes off when you come in the house, do a fair share of housework, give up your hobbies, etc. Unthinkable that they need reminding to act like a responsible adult more than once.

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 10/03/2020 12:49

I'm sorry op but I'd end it. Not because you're not a morning person and he is. But because he has no respect for your boundaries, and when you do call him on it he sulks. He doesn't sound like a very nice person

MashedSpud · 10/03/2020 12:54

They shouldn’t need telling a few times.

Once is enough.

Menora · 10/03/2020 13:05

I am happy to be ‘woken up’ by some amorous cuddling and I said that I was, also he never has a strop and would stop immediately if I said not today thanks

I wouldn’t like any twiddling and if I said no to any morning sex at all and he carried on anyway I might end it

NoMoreDickheads · 10/03/2020 13:12

@friendineed Sex in the morning is one thing. I'm saying most women don't like being interfered with while they're asleep (sexual assault.) Some women like being woken up by being shagged/groped but I imagine that's fairly rare.

Yes he's claimed he's remorseful and it won't happen again- we'll see. OP has already made it clear in previous times that she's not into the sexual assault by moving his hand away etc, and he's done it again.

greyhoundz · 10/03/2020 13:24

So he said he's still half asleep and doesn't know what he's doing which then quickly turned to "it won't happen again" once @JackieBauer pulled him up on it.

What an interesting turn of events - will he now miraculously have control over his sleeping self?

LTB.

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/03/2020 13:26

I am a morning person, my bf is not. He struggles to wake up in the mornings while I am up and at em. I would love morning sex and always have but I respect that he is different to me and me not having sex in the mornings won't kill me. I certainly wouldn't want him to do it if he didn't really feel up to it. That would be the biggest turn off.

12345kbm · 10/03/2020 13:29

Move on OP. He's abusive.

probablysue · 10/03/2020 13:31

You’re not sexually compatible and he’s disrespecting your clearly stated boundaries. It’s a big no. I’d dump for this

StarlightLady · 10/03/2020 13:32

Shared sex is lovely. Coursed sex is not.

I enjoy morning sex a lot. But l have to be awake. Being awake and being woken is quite different.

He must hear and respect you or it’s time to move on.

MauriceandAlec · 10/03/2020 13:32

I would end it immediately. Bullshit he's 'half asleep'. I fucking hate mornings and couldn't be with a morning person at all. He's a total arsehole, too, to wake you at all when you work night shifts. He has no respect for his boundaries and he will never change, no matter what his apologies are. It's just to keep you in his life when you're incompatible. I can't abide gropers, either.

madcatladyforever · 10/03/2020 13:37

It's funny how blokes always say they can't remember doing such and such, take him down the doctors for an alzheimers examination everytime he says he doesn't remember doing something.

friendineed · 10/03/2020 14:05

Unfortunately OP the standard response on the relationship thread is LTB, so you'd just better do that. Absolutely no second chances.

MauriceandAlec · 10/03/2020 14:12

Hmm. She's given him several chances. He has not desisted. Why would you stay with someone who has no respect for your boundaries or your sleep because his dick is more important?

Cherrysherbet · 10/03/2020 14:14

Run a mile.

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 10/03/2020 14:23

@friendineed

I'm not sure why you're vigorously implying that posters are being OTT for suggesting a man is perfectly capable of listening to and understanding the word "no" the first time it's said.

OP clearly explains:

He tried
She said she doesn't want it
He tried 'a few more times'
She said she doesn't want it
He tried again the other morning
She said she doesn't want it
He was grumpy
He didn't take responsibility
She said she doesn't want it
THEN he was remorseful

You said she should give him a second chance. Do you not see the above? He's had his second chance and more.

I love morning sex, probably my favourite time of day to have sex.

Funnily enough though, I don't like someone trying to have sex with me at a time / state of sleep that I've specifically told them I do not want them to.

And I especially wouldn't like them then sulking and being grumpy about that.

Your standards are different to many peoples it seems.

snowdaynoday · 10/03/2020 15:08

He was either half asleep or not!
The fact that he used it as an excuse is pathetic and a turn off.

He didn't listen to your No, or you moving him away. It's just the beginning of the relationship so what will happen down the line.

He has no respect for you.

Plus everyone is sorry when they get caught or are in trouble

BumbleBeee69 · 10/03/2020 15:11

His reply was "thing is see, what you've got to understand is i might be groping you when I'm half asleep and I don't know what I'm doing"

this would have me blocking him permanently 🌺

friendineed · 10/03/2020 15:51

It would be nice if the OP would come back and say what 'she' thinks and whether the other elements of the relationship are worth saving because of this (to me, very minor, if annoying element).

Obviously all men married to the posters here are perfect human beings who are so in tune with their LOs that they wouldn't dream of doing the wrong thing.

I clearly have different standards in that, in a loving, fun new relationship, I'm going to demand impeccable standards and never, ever give anyone a second chance. In my marriage I shall LTB if he doesn't put down the toilet seat, or goes out with friends. It's got to be all about me and my needs and I shall make no attempt at kindness, forgiveness and understanding. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't mind porn either, if it's normal sex, so that also puts me outside the

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/03/2020 16:09

Obviously all men married to the posters here are perfect human beings who are so in tune with their LOs that they wouldn't dream of doing the wrong thing.

I don't know that not being a rapist = perfect but ok...

MauriceandAlec · 10/03/2020 16:19

It's funny how the kindness, forgiveness and understanding is all one-sided Hmm. She has told him several times. He has had several 'chances'. Any normal human being with any sort of fondness, kind feelings and respect for another person probably would not dream of waking up a person who's sleeping and has been on a bloody night shift for sex, or would at least, you know, discuss it first. Because that's what you do when you respect and care for someone. Hmm If your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you they are not a morning person, or a night person, then if you care about them you respect this, talk about it, maybe even decide you are incompatible, but just disregarding this and bamboozle your own way on them? That's arsehole behaviour. Why is that ever acceptable or you're not kind, forgiving, understanding or willing to give bloody chances to someone who's shown you with their behaviour that they don't care, much less merit that?

NoMoreDickheads · 10/03/2020 16:30

to me, very minor, if annoying element

Ohmagerrrd @friendineed I suppose we'll just have to agree to disagree- I find men committing illegal sexual acts on me is a bit of a dealbreaker. I expect perfection in that respect- which is setting a pretty low bar really. In the past I let them get away with stuff that was somewhat rapey, or one time it even took me years to realise the 'sleep sex' etc I was experiencing was rape. Never again.

in a loving, fun new relationship

This isn't a loving or fun relationship and it shouldn't get any older. It's already got old.

I hadn't spotted the night shift bit- that's even worse.