His Freedom makes Him Happiest

[Spinningwheels]

DH started out as a caring, joyful father. The novelty wore off after our first-born reached around 2yo and DH seemed more bothered about planning his time away- hobby days, stag dos abroad with friends, golfing weekends etc. He also seemed to resent the time he wasn't getting for us as a couple, so we started making more time for us but I didn't want to go abroad without the children which frustrated him.He became disheartened also that we could not afford an abroad holiday as a family, nor did I want to go on one for a while as I found the idea stressful due to DCs additional needs.
We now have 2 DCs and DH is fed up in his job and his miserable mood continues into the weekends. He seems completely knackered and fed up with life.
Recently, we were asked to attend a wedding in Spain and we have been looking at whether we can do this. DH however seems more excited at the prospect of going alone having figured out it would be much more affordable this way. He has also been invited on a 4 day visit to a European country to see a friend from university and again, all of a sudden comes alive at the thought. I don't want to stop him doing anything that makes him happy, but I feel upset and saddened that his focus has moved from his family to his freedom. Also, I obviously need to facilitate this and provide 24/7 childcare plus one DC is at home with me so no break for me. I don't have my parents close-by to help me either.
Having never taken the DCs abroad it seems quite selfish that he's planning 2 abroad trips purely for himself this year having had several alone trips since the DCs were born. I think DC1 will be very upset.
When it comes to trying to work out how to take the DCs along too, he does not join me in figuring out finances and the logistics, but will quickly agree that it probably won't work.
I am starting to consider that DH may just be happier if he left family life entirely and had his freedom back. An unreasonable thought?

Well he’s certainly being very selfish and only thinking of his own needs
Would a chat help?
Does he ever have the DC on his own? Do you ever get a break?

I’d work out what you want and have a chat. If it were me I’d be trying to organise a family holiday somewhere where you can spend some couple time as well to reconnect as a priority. Other trips should take a back seat.

I think you maybe right but he probably realises that he can't afford the freedom he has in his head. The reality of that is what depresses him. " the mass of men leading quite lives of desperation " . It's an old problem . The trick is to come to terms with life and find an inner peace. It's a journey he must take.

Quiet , sorry typo

How old is he OP?

He was 40 last year.
Never heard the saying before, but yes quiet desperation seems accurate.
I keep reasoning with him... look how lucky we are.... our time will come.... we will miss these days.
But he seems to continue taking both myself and the children for granted.

Your dc sound quite young? And as he is 40 surely he has already done plenty of stag do's and trips away before children came along. He sounds very selfish to me , yes travelling with dc isn't as relaxing as going alone but it's still fun and you see things through their eyes. It's very unfair for you to be left with dc 24/7 while he just swans off without a care in the world. Time for a serious discussion with him .

Of course this isn't right. Not only is he is supremely selfish, but he doesnt seem to value or enjoy his children. Can you shed some light on this - what else is going on, apart from job dissatisfaction and wanting to go on expensive getaways with his mates?

My STBXH has a lot of flaws, but he really enjoyed being a father, at least until the children became teens. In the summer he would take them to the park after dinner, weekends were always focused on doing stuff with the children, and our family holidays were the happiest times of our lives.

Did he actually want children? And I do mean CHILDREN, not just a baby...

It honestly sounds like you both need to sit down with a councillor and talk this through. There are so many bits to this. He sounds very self obsessed, what about what YOU want, what about what the KIDS want. All he seems concerned with is what HE wants. Does sound like a bit of a midlife crisis for him. Might help to talk it through with someone to thrash it out.

I know you said you want to facilitate this for him, but you also need to consider yourself in all this. When do you get your time away with friends, when do you get your holidays abroad with your mates. Don't forget to remind him of that. He's also got his family life too. He doesn't get to just 'opt' out if it whilst you're facilitate all of this for him. He needs a bit of a kick up the arse tbh

Politely decline the wedding invite and plan an affordable family holiday. I'm a single mum and can afford a week in a caravan which we love. It's about time together, making memories. You don't have to explain these things to a decent husband

When do you get your time to yourself or visit friends?
He is automatically assuming that although he is a father, he can plan stuff because you will take care of the kids.
I bet child care hasn't even entered his head. Selfish.

I think he is disgruntled with the way we have had children. I think he hoped there would be more money and that I would be in a better position emotionally to do most of the shitwork. As both DCs have additional needs, much of it falls to me and I have found the prospect of taking them abroad very daunting up to now. I have to do most of the planning/packing/organising (whilst DH jumps around like an excitable puppy.) So after a couple of years of nesr breakdowns on my part, I decided where my boundaries lay and made life simpler with less going on. I have accepted that our world is smaller for a few years.
DH has no doubt become resentful and depressed though.
We are way passed talking phase. He knows exactly how I feel. I am at a point where I am saving some sanity by not trying to get him to see my viewpoint.

You need to explain how you feel to DH and plan a trip as a family (doesn’t have to be abroad if money is tight) so you get a break as a family. Maybe you both need a night away from the kids and some time together? Does he use these trips as a break from the kids, but would actually be happy with the odd evening out with you? Communication I think is key here.

I have lost a lot of friends through being sucked into life with 2 DCs with additional needs. I am working on my social circles now everyday to create support for myself. I am also trying to set some finances aside to be able to join a social club for women to make friends.
My life up to now has been the children for 5 years. But it has kept them safe, healthy and happy so I have no regrets. Luckily, Ive been able to continue working in my career part-time too.

I am starting to consider that DH may just be happier if he left family life entirely and had his freedom back

Oh look, yet another example of a man who thought having kids would be more than it’s cracked up to be.

Men often push for children as they have this glamorised image in their head of how it’s going to be but when reality hits they check out. For the most part they do less childcare, less chores, they don’t make the same sacrifices to their body and careers and it’s easier for them to walk away. They then meet someone new and have ample freedom and excitement while Mum is left exhausted looking after the kids.

I’ve said it a million times, woman would be SO much happier if they stopped having children. Then they could live their best lives too.

Just a different view, but I think both parents do need a break from the kids from time to time, parenting can be grueling. And if you have children with additional needs even more so! But you sound like you don’t need a break? Would he take them if you did?

I have 2 male friends who I have known for decades. They are in the grip of the morose stage of being married with kids. I listen to them (yes sometimes they let me in to their heads)...its as some of the posters have said here. Their image of being a husband and father is not what they are experiencing. On both counts their wives (although this is only their side of the story) has taken on the whole role of mother, housekeeper, and manager of everything leaving them out of the circle of their family. Both have said they feel like guests in their own home and when they try to help they get either belittled or pushed away as the wife says she would rather do it herself. They both complain that their wives, since children have put their kids first too much and have failed to notice them, the husband, the provider and feel they are becoming pushed out and useless. One of the guys I talk to wishes that children never came along as he misses the connection he had with his wife before children. He is now checking out of his marriage and getting excited about going away with buddies and golf weekends. The other one is dangerously close to having an affair (which I am doing everything to stop him). Perhaps OP, find someone to take care of the kids if you can. Concentrate on your primary relationship. Slowly but surely he will become excited to come home to you and the children. Try and then have a reasonable holiday together. Your posts screams of both of you lost in the humdrum of life right now. You need support from a emotionally present man and you man needs to come home to a place he can be excited to be. None of this is easy but its always interesting to hear from the other side. On a foot note, one of the mans wives sent him to see me as we are more like brother and sister than friends as she wanted her husband to talk to someone as he wasn't opening up to her.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is supremely selfish and that along with his miserable mood extending to all of you on the weekend would want him out of your day to day lives (you seem pretty much doing all the mental load by yourself anyway). Having a child with additional needs is extremely hard and full on and he is not at all doing his bit here to support you at all. He does not seemingly value or even enjoy any of you and you do not get any time away for yourself. You likely regard yourself solely as DS1 and DS2's mother.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I doubt very much if he would ever attend any sort of counselling session so I would go on my own.

I also can see two sides to this, two children with additional needs is tough for both parents, lack of money, difficult emotions for both, I can see the need to have something to look forward to, just for yourself. I don’t think it means you want to leave, but having a break is important, having something to look forward to is important.

However it’s also important for you to get a break. To have something to look forward to, and this is something you need to work towards, that opportunity.

A lot of people do concur to the view that you should just head down the mine and not look up for several years, but for me, both parents need to be able to have a break and something to look forward to, the issue is I think you are not in the same mind set.

As both DCs have additional needs, much of it falls to me

WHY ???

Please explain.

WHY does he feel entitled to opt out?

And why do you let him?

I would give him his freedom back. Divorce the fucker and then when the DCs are with him, you get to go on a lovely stress-free holiday too.

I divorced my XH after years of this type of behaviour, he started saying that it "made him angry when he was asked to do something with the family", thinking that this wonderful insight would make me understand why he needed time to himself. It just made me realise we were better off without him.

He now lives - and travels - alone and is bored a lot of the time. I get to enjoy a fantastic holiday with my new DP when the DCs are staying with their dad and I also enjoy spending time together with them too. He's actually a lot better as a part time dad, can muster the energy to enjoy them when he sees them now, so win win really.

It sounds like your relationship is in danger zone Op. the reason why men don’t want to spend time at home is because they are not happy, and they will do everything they can to check out of family life. Very selfish of him to want to put himself before his family but at the same time it sounds like maybe some needs of his aren’t being met, and I’d suggest sitting down for a serious talk to find out what this is so you can all work out a solution together. He needs to pull his act together but at the same time if he’s unhappy something needs to be addressed.

@RUSU92 this is also my thinking. I have pulled so hard against him having his freedom for the last few years whilst he has no regard for mine that I am exhausted and worn down. A big part of me thinks that maybe giving him his freedom might be a relief for us both and in return, I get my freedom when he is with the DCs.

@RUSU92
How do you know he’s bored all the time ?

He may well decide however, not to have much if at all with his children post separation given that he appears not to be all that bothered now. That will be his choice and his loss although he may not see it as such.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Not much if anything from what you have written here.

I agree about finding out what needs aren't being met. I have asked him. He says he's not sure. He isn't very good at reflecting on or understanding his own feelings. He has mentioned lack of money and abroad holidays as a source of some of his frustration but this is it.
I am unable to leave DC2 overnight just yet (reasons I can't get into for outing) but we have tried and I had to come home. Then we can have our couple time again. Childcare is always an issue for getting time together as a couple, hence why DH goes out with friends and relies on me instead. I take myself off on a spa day once every 3 months or so and I go running once a week whilst he has the DCs, I also get my nails done once a month and combine this with a shopping trip for myself. It's not a lot of free time, but it's better than nothing. I just miss time with friends. DH and I go out for a meal together every other month, so although not a lot, we are atleast getting a little time.