His Freedom makes Him Happiest

[Spinningwheels]

DH started out as a caring, joyful father. The novelty wore off after our first-born reached around 2yo and DH seemed more bothered about planning his time away- hobby days, stag dos abroad with friends, golfing weekends etc. He also seemed to resent the time he wasn't getting for us as a couple, so we started making more time for us but I didn't want to go abroad without the children which frustrated him.He became disheartened also that we could not afford an abroad holiday as a family, nor did I want to go on one for a while as I found the idea stressful due to DCs additional needs.
We now have 2 DCs and DH is fed up in his job and his miserable mood continues into the weekends. He seems completely knackered and fed up with life.
Recently, we were asked to attend a wedding in Spain and we have been looking at whether we can do this. DH however seems more excited at the prospect of going alone having figured out it would be much more affordable this way. He has also been invited on a 4 day visit to a European country to see a friend from university and again, all of a sudden comes alive at the thought. I don't want to stop him doing anything that makes him happy, but I feel upset and saddened that his focus has moved from his family to his freedom. Also, I obviously need to facilitate this and provide 24/7 childcare plus one DC is at home with me so no break for me. I don't have my parents close-by to help me either.
Having never taken the DCs abroad it seems quite selfish that he's planning 2 abroad trips purely for himself this year having had several alone trips since the DCs were born. I think DC1 will be very upset.
When it comes to trying to work out how to take the DCs along too, he does not join me in figuring out finances and the logistics, but will quickly agree that it probably won't work.
I am starting to consider that DH may just be happier if he left family life entirely and had his freedom back. An unreasonable thought?

If your child goes without a party because their father didn't arrange it despite promising to, the only person who has failed them is their father.

I was going to post but Dingleberry said it beautifully. In fact the only guys I know who are very family minded have either low expectations, seriously adjusted their expectations in good grace or have plenty of cash to bring the family along for the ride and have multiple trips a year. The worst is those with champagne tastes and beer money wages. In all honesty OP I would have a serious chat and if you feel he is not going to ‘adjust’ I would build yourself up personally with a likelihood you will separate at some point

I don't mean grey rock at all. I mean he obviously doesn't want to put the energy into the relationship so why is the OP wasting her time trying to make him?
She can't make him. You can't make someone.
I mean save your energy for you and what YOU want and that would be you would be far better on your own then getting nowhere with him.
He's selfish.

The title of your thread says it's all.

Are the children’s disabilities life threatening? (I too have disabled children so I’m trying to think about what you could do as apprised to what you think you can do). I think five years with no holidays together is hard for all of you.

No abroad holidays.
Plenty of English holidays. Sometimes 3 per year (we own a caravan).

Why don’t you go abroad?

Does he want to?

My mother calls married men who are always doin their own thing ‘ a single married man’.
It’s very cold for him to be so selfish when you are caring for DCs with additional needs. I would find it hard to have any respect for him.

I grew up with 2 parents who made false promises and couldn't commit to what they had said. It was utterly devastating. I will never allow my children to experience that. Letting him fail on a birthday party for my children would be failing my children as their mother.

And before everyone calls me a martyr.
I will always be a bloody martyr if I have to than disappoint my DC because their Dad is delusional.

But you have no idea if he would have 'failed' because you stepped in and stopped him doing it HIS way which yes, may be very different from your way, but will still be valid. Children do not need a father who is like their mother. They don't need everything to be done only one 'perfect' way.

Would you agree that it is you that has the worry and fear about failing because of your own disturbed childhood, and that it is you that is stopping your DH from engaging with, and parenting his DC because of this?

Your fears are stopping you from being able to function and co-parent with your DH. He is being disengaged from his children, from his role as a parent.

He feels depressed and longs to to try some things like a FAMILY HOLIDAY ABROAD which you say is not possible AT ALL because you found it too stressful. But do you see that your need for it to be done the 'right' way is what made it all so stressful?

Children who never see things going wrong in a safe family environment will grow up anxious and without having learned that they do, after all have the resources to cope with the mistakes and bumpy rides and the less than perfect.

This is why counselling would be so helpful for both of you. You need to talk together with a really good counsellor.

I also think you would benefit enormously from single counselling - you would get such relief if you could let go of some of the massive load you are carrying all the time.

I have been having counselling alone for 2 years. It hasn't been possible to push myself towards a holiday abroad at all up to this point.
Couples counselling only works if both parties want it,so it isn't an option for us.

But two weeks was still enough time for him to organise a party.

It wouldn’t be quite the way that you would do it, but he would have had to get moving and probably come up trumps in the end. You might have had slightly random food, decor and a semi-retired clown, but ‘a party’ would have happened and he would have felt more involved.

Whilst I do agree as I said with dingleberrys posts, having read again I suspect the guy is looking for a bit of light fun because he is not getting any as part of the family. I realise your kids have needs but I do see plenty of families out there with children with additional needs having fun. Maybe he associates fun with trips abroad etc, maybe some non abroad cheap fun needs to be built in.

I don't think the previous posts at wilful when the OP is clearly struggling with this.
We don't know all the details but saying plenty of familieswith additional needs are seen out having fun totally dismisses the stress she must be feeling.
It is incredibly extra stressful having child/ren woth additional need a and she is crying out for more hlep/support.
Which shouldn't be a huge ask seeing as they are HIS children too.
He is not a child. He is a grown man who needs to step up.

I agree with that too Aerial, the problem is if he isn’t naturally a guy who can muddle through without what seems to him a ‘bit of fun’ in life then it’s all going to end in tears , so yes I do think he needs to step up a lot but everyone is different and this guy clearly doesn’t sound like he is going to be the 100% ‘all in’ kind of bloke if life becomes all about the kids with no respite , so the OP has to look at the realistic options if she wants still to be with him . I don’t think it’s ok for him to suggest just buggering off with mates every now and then without factoring in the family , that’s why I think options involving the family need to be looked at. If that’s not ever going to happen then I think the OP needs to reconsider the whole relationship

We do have non-abroad fun.
We go to family festivals
2-3 holidays a year
Lots of family days out.

Really baffled as to where people are getting some of these assumptions. Feel like I'm defending myself now, which isn't helpful at all.

I think it’s more I’m trying to work out what it is that’s making dh behave like this.

I have disabled children so I know it adds a whole lot more mental, emotional and physical toil. It sounds like it’s you struggling with holidays and family time though? (This is a question not an attack). Sometimes a holiday abroad isn’t appropriate, but often it’s far more do-able than people think. What is it he’d like to do? What is it you’d like to do?

Do you get the opportunity to go abroad by yourself, without the children to visit friends, do a hobby, go to a wedding ?
Start planning something

Does he treat you like an equal ?

Apologies spinning wheels, if that’s the case he is just a selfish sod. Let him go provided you too can go on a break abroad on your own and he manages the children at home.

If your child goes without a party because their father didn't arrange it despite promising to, the only person who has failed them is their father.

Technically yes

Do you want to have to hold and comfort a 5yo or 8yo who hasn't had a birthday party? That sticks with a kid for .. ever. The OP -has- to step up for her kids here.

Do you want to have to hold and comfort a 5yo or 8yo who hasn't had a birthday party? That sticks with a kid for .. ever. The OP -has- to step up for her kids here.

I find that such a depressing attitude to be honest. That if a father lets his children down, it's their mother's problem to fix. Or she's somehow culpable for not stepping in and preventing it.

(Although in this case the OPs husband had booked a venue, so presumably some form of party would have gone ahead, but he didn't get the chance to finish organising it, so no one knows if they would have been let down or not).

@DingleberryRose I’ve said it a million times, woman would be SO much happier if they stopped having children. Then they could live their best lives too. on the contrary, the best part of my life is my kid (and my husband feels the same). We are both in interesting and high earning professions and have had lots of amazing and adventurous holidays and experiences pre-parenthood but although we’re knackered and sometimes frazzled by our kid, it’s an incomparable form of love, joy and purpose. What you say may be true for some but it’s patronising and condescending to assume that you have happened upon the one size fits all answer for all of womenkind.

I wouldn’t be happier without my children . They’re the best thing ever.

One of the most important lessons I learned in my late twenties/early thirties was that people have different styles.

One person books a birthday party months in advance, gives out nicely written invitations, prepares party-bags a week beforehand and hand-makes a cake.

Another person books a venue, sends out an invitation text a week before, rushes into the supermarket the day before to get party-bag items and pick up a cake.

In both cases a party is the end result. It can be infuriating for people who are thinkers/planners to watch people who fly by the seat of their pants, but does it really matter?

I find that such a depressing attitude to be honest. That if a father lets his children down, it's their mother's problem to fix. Or she's somehow culpable for not stepping in and preventing it.

Technically you're right, but what would you say to that hurt little face? How can you take the pain away, because being let down by your parent on a birthday is absolutely shit. Birthdays are special for them.

Can't do shit about an uninvolved parent, best you can do is bring your children up better.