His Freedom makes Him Happiest

[Spinningwheels]

DH started out as a caring, joyful father. The novelty wore off after our first-born reached around 2yo and DH seemed more bothered about planning his time away- hobby days, stag dos abroad with friends, golfing weekends etc. He also seemed to resent the time he wasn't getting for us as a couple, so we started making more time for us but I didn't want to go abroad without the children which frustrated him.He became disheartened also that we could not afford an abroad holiday as a family, nor did I want to go on one for a while as I found the idea stressful due to DCs additional needs.
We now have 2 DCs and DH is fed up in his job and his miserable mood continues into the weekends. He seems completely knackered and fed up with life.
Recently, we were asked to attend a wedding in Spain and we have been looking at whether we can do this. DH however seems more excited at the prospect of going alone having figured out it would be much more affordable this way. He has also been invited on a 4 day visit to a European country to see a friend from university and again, all of a sudden comes alive at the thought. I don't want to stop him doing anything that makes him happy, but I feel upset and saddened that his focus has moved from his family to his freedom. Also, I obviously need to facilitate this and provide 24/7 childcare plus one DC is at home with me so no break for me. I don't have my parents close-by to help me either.
Having never taken the DCs abroad it seems quite selfish that he's planning 2 abroad trips purely for himself this year having had several alone trips since the DCs were born. I think DC1 will be very upset.
When it comes to trying to work out how to take the DCs along too, he does not join me in figuring out finances and the logistics, but will quickly agree that it probably won't work.
I am starting to consider that DH may just be happier if he left family life entirely and had his freedom back. An unreasonable thought?

Meant to say i just need to get through the next 6 months and then we can have our over-night couple time again.

You can’t change his experience or interpretation of family life though, can you?

Sounds like you’ve tried, and the limitations revealed. The flogging a dead horse is a miserable feeling . I think most of all you need some immediate headspace (a weekend away, spa, whatever). Maybe you can think of a plan then?

Sorry cross posted. Sounds like you are making some progress.

The level of disrespect he is showing you is terrible OP. It does sound as though both of you are bogged down in your daily lives and its easily done.It just happens. It must be very hard when you are dealing with children with additional needs too. I kind of get your husbands mentality not condoning it at all but I can see some of it. My husband and myself became parents quite late (second marriage) we both had grown up 20 something kids when we met and then had a baby together.There is 21 years age difference between my kids and sometimes we see our friends our age jetting off to the sun,weekends away,nights out on the spur of the moment with no dependants and commitments living life to the fullest.and it sometimes makes me jealous.I thought that would be us but its not .plain and simple our lives revolve round a now 8 year old with allthat that brings! But we both knew this and we are on the same page.For a period of time too we were so caught up with life you know the monotony of daily living that we forgot about us.It was a wake up call for both of us.We kind of realised we were not just parents we were people too and it had been so long since we were just us and so long when we laughed together.Our marrige was important to us it still is but now we try to make time for each other,Its fairly easy for us as we have support to do this but we do daft things now just me and him...and it is working better for us.Fish n chips out o the paper sat on a wall in the rain..anything but its just us and it keeps
us connected , Our daughter on asunday goes out with one of her brothers and his partner and its lovely ..we do not spend this time catching up on household chores as we should we go to bed for the afternoon like we used to!! Our plans to be carefree went right out the window with our late arrival and it was a difficult adjustment I wont lie to you but we are both on the same page and it helps.I dont know what to advise but it does sound like your husband is experiencing some of what we did ..the envy and jealousness and frustration at watching carefree friends ..maybe you both need some time together to remember being you as a couple who knows but you cannot do it on your own, If he is unwilling to address these issues I honestly dont know what you can do ...I wish you well and hope you can both find a solution.

It's all very well getting 'the other side' but if op concentrates on her "primary relationship" then what happens to the kids, esp with additional needs. Another view is that by not stepping up, the men you describe have self checked out. The women don't want their help as it causes them more, not less, work and stress.

Op, would he go for a more deliberate 50:50 share of care whilst still married? You would have to deliberately step back and let him do his best, even if it is not good enough. Training for when/if you split up. Maybe a timetable of weekends: him off/you off/family weekend. And one night a week each.

Splitting up might be easier but don't count on him being there for his 50%. He isn't now!

I can see why you are feeling that way. I take it that when he goes off doing his own thing there is no compensation timewise for you, as in he will say 'I want to do xyz but then the following week we will all do blah blah together' ?

I think it's ultimatum time.

He either goes off and finds that grass which he's making everyone's life miserable by insisting is greener, or he stays and GROWS THE FUCK UP.

Growing the fuck up consists of:

1. Counselling, couples, where you talk it all out and he makes a stab at commiting fully to family life on the understanding that it is actually the ONLY way to happiness within the family.
2. No more trips alone. No more jollies at everyone else's expense with him using the lion's share of the meargre amount of spare money to pretend to himself that he's single and young and fun fun fun. That money can be better used if the idea is for this family not to disintegrate - you're holding on by the skin of your teeth trying to scrape together cash to join a group, yet he's seriously expecting to spend £££ on a solo holiday AND travel abroad for a wedding? Fuck that.
3. Full commitment to developing a PROPER relationship with his children. Lots of time alone. Lots of taking on responsibilities and childcare and shitwork. Look, one of the main reasons that he's bored and distanced from his own children and his own family is that HE DOESN'T KNOW THEM. He has nothing really to do with them. They're just ciphers to him, not people. Of course he can't see any value in simply spending time with them. It's like someone who can't play football being taken to games, refusing to learn and join in then sitting there saying 'But this is boring.' He gives it a year where he genuinely tries to engage.
4. Supporting you. Same thing. He commits to listening, hearing you, trying to put himself in your shoes. (3) shoudl help with this, if it actually happens.

If he will commit to a year of that fine. If he won't, then tell him it's over... and he can have that single life he dreams of, where his own kids continue to be simply entities he's never really got to know. He'll regret it of course, when it's too late - so don't let him back.

Why should the OP make all the effort though? Why should she find time for someone to have the kids for their relationship? Where is his effort?
Save your energy for you and I think a life without him dragging you down would be a relief.

Its heart breaking but some people are just like this.

I know someone who is a NRP to their 2 kids and they never ever take them abroad, but they jet off themselves and always book holiday outside of the school holidays.

I personally couldn't live that way, but people obviously have different opinions on the matter. I can understand your DP wanting to do something by himself/as a couple once in a while but not consistently and not in place of enjoying a family holiday.

My DP and I would both like to do the odd day without the kids but this isn't feasible with childcare options for us, and we would never dream of putting that above taking the kids somewhere with is, we would be too sad and would love them to have the opportunity.

They both complain that their wives, since children have put their kids first too much and have failed to notice them, the husband, the provider and feel they are becoming pushed out and useless.

I just read this sentence and thought the men in question sound like selfish spoilt babies.

@RUSU92 How do you know he’s bored all the time ?

Erm... because he tells me! And the DCs.

I mean, he might be over egging it so that we don’t think he has it too easy, but he never seems particularly happy.

@Spinningwheels at the very least, give him a taste of what it’s like to live your own lives by doing what someone suggested upthread and organise time for yourself while he does his share of parenting. It feels hard now, but once you get a taste of living for yourself and handing over the reins, it is liberating. I cried the whole time my DCs stayed with their dad the first time. Now I positively relish a little time off!

If you’ve tried talking to him and he’s not budging, you need to make some physical changes to how things work in your family.

Stop wasting your energy on him.
Put yourself first (and kids) and you will notice a huge difference in your self esteem and what you actually want out of your life.
Stop pandering to him

As others have said. Why don't you save your money and not go to the wedding and have a family holiday abroad. However you need to spell it out to him that HE needs to be doing 50% of the donkey work when arranging this

He will SAY that he will do 50% but he WON'T.
Last year, after I said I wasn't throwing any kids birthday parties, he said he would do it. 2 weeks before, he hadn't arranged anything other than booking the venue and telling DC who was desperate to give out his invitations. I had to arrange entertainment, food, birthday cake etc all within 2 weeks as DH thought he had "plenty of time."
I have learned that it is much more stressful to rely on DH to do his 50% than it is to just say I'm not going... we're not going... we're not doing it or... are staying at home.

And before everyone calls me a martyr.
I will always be a bloody martyr if I have to than disappoint my DC because their Dad is delusional.

It's not being a martyr, it's being a parent.
So do that, concentrate on your kids and you. Leave him to it. Stop trying to fix your relationship where he is not interested in it.
Once you save that energy, things will fall into place for yourself.

I do mean that kindly.
Us mums tend to put ourselves last, we don't always have a choice.
What I mean is why are his holidays and his needs more important that you and yours? He should want to be a team and it is soul destroying begging someone to do that when it should be part of a marriage/parents.
So save your energy on it.

Agree, in theory, Aerial, don’t give your energy to someone who doesn’t want it anyway. But sometimes someone’s attitude and presence is completely draining. Grey rock approach I think usually only works temporarily or in small doses, not living with someone full-time.

I don’t know if that’s the case with OP though.

Why do you keep picking up after him. Let him fail, that's the only way he'll learn. Your dc won't give a shit about food etc at a party. This is why he doesn't do anything, he doesn't have to. He knows you'll pick up after him.

What did he say after you had to take over arranging the party? Or did you just not discuss it

Absolute nonsense Sunshine.

I grew up with 2 parents who made false promises and couldn't commit to what they had said. It was utterly devastating. I will never allow my children to experience that. Letting him fail on a birthday party for my children would be failing my children as their mother.

Really, Sunshine trying to be helpful and makes a fair point eg a 5 year old is not going to notice much as long as something happens, unless you are building it up “venue” etc.

No poster is going to know all the ins and outs of your life, including your past. And some may miss important issues, if your children have extra or special needs. I think it’s just the broad brush strokes. And maybe approaching it differently if you are “stuck” which is what often happens.

Yet you allow your dc to live with a parent who makes false promises.

OP, I'm not having a pop at you, and apologies if it sounds harsh, but if you continue to pander to him he's never going to get any better. You're putting his happiness, thoughts and feelings before yours, allowing him to wallow in his own navel gazing, he'll continue to leave you to do all the parenting and pick up after him when he decides he can't be arsed to parent. Not only that he's now saying he thinks he deserves holidays alone and you to stay at home waiting with the dc for his return. You either need to put your big girl pants on and read him the riot act, outline what he needs to do regardless if he can or can't do or, or tell him to bugger off.

Unless you are happy with the status quo, which I presume you're not otherwise you wouldn't have posted.