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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumped again Online Dating What's Your Dumped Message been Like?

67 replies

Mermaidwaves · 06/03/2020 18:35

So Ive just been dumped again by my latest online date. This one didnt get to a second date. The first date went well I thought, loads of chemistry, loads in common. But I could sense his interest waning and I've had a message cancelling our next date. Apparently he has a lot on his mind. Each and every man I've met has ended it by saying this. Can't they think of anything more original? Please tell me some of your more original endings to cheer me up a bit?

OP posts:
SophieSong · 06/03/2020 18:43

Never actually got to a date but someone I was chatting with who I thought was lovely ‘discovered’ I eat meet, called me a psychopath meat eater and that I was no good to him since I was “still plugged into the matrix”. Then he blocked me. Grin

SophieSong · 06/03/2020 18:44

I eat meat, obviously.

Mermaidwaves · 06/03/2020 18:47

Brilliant! That's pretty original! Grin

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 06/03/2020 18:48

It’s just how it is. It isn’t you, or him; you’re probably both great people, just not right for each other. What would you prefer you were let down with? “I’ve got a lot in my mind / I don’t think we’re a match / I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship” are all perfectly adequate, polite, kind and possibly true thing to say after one date where one or both of you realises you don’t fancy the other.

It’s disheartening, obviously, but at least you appear to be picking decent men who have the courtesy to let you know rather than just ghost you or string you along.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/03/2020 18:50

Sorry, meant to add - my best one was a man who messaged me after a perfectly ordinary, vanilla date in a nice pub where we hadn’t even touched on sex saying “I’m sorry, but I am a dom looking for a woman to be my full-time collared slave and I didn't get the impression we matched like that.” No, we certainly didn’t.

TigerDater · 06/03/2020 18:50

sophie OMG you may have had the massive misfortune to have been talking to my XH - that’s exactly the sort of utter bollocks he comes out with! Grin

ChangeOfName2020 · 06/03/2020 20:30

It always sucks to be dumped, even earlier on with online dating. And especially if the early date/s you had went well and the future looked promising.

My view though is, after being ghosted a few times that the guys who draw a line under things and let you know it wasn't working are usually the good ones.

Admittedly there are some exceptions to this based on some of the other replies! But a "thanks it was nice meeting you, but no thanks" or whatever way they dress it up is much better than just falling off the face of the earth and never hearing from them again.

Mermaidwaves · 06/03/2020 20:37

You're absolutely right I'm just feeling fed up tonight. How the hell does anyone get a relationship going? I keep trying to stay positive but they always seem to change their mind, I feel destined to be alone forever.

OP posts:
ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 06/03/2020 20:42

I responded to someone who approached me saying that I felt a bit uncomfortable meeting someone I'd already seen naked (interesting photo profile) so he told me I was an uptight bitch and mental etc.

rosabug · 06/03/2020 21:13

Maybe a little perspective. You weren't 'dumped'. There was no relationship there to speak of. "Dumped' is such a dramatic word, don't buy into all that self depreciating pity that this word implies.

You had a date, the guy had second thoughts. You will probably have dates and feel the same.

However! - I really wish guys would learn to communicate in a straight forward manner - for example: "It was great to have met you, but I'm not sure we are a good match - good luck and take care" - bloody easy eh?

For me the bullshit really bugs me. Really bugs me. Get this:

After lots of long texts and a pretty good meeting, a couple more post date chatty texts, I text:

"You have nice eyes"
him: "thank you - so have you. Have to go - meeting a mate"
me: "Is that a brush of!!!?"
him: "no! speak later"

It was a brush off.

I think somewhere along the way men learned, or were taught, not to be honest with women.

Recently I had a long funny online chat back and forth with a guy. He then sent me a message explaining he had had 2 days with someone and they were taking it forward and it had been fun and I was funny, smart etc etc. How refreshing (and rare) to get a really straightforward message like that.

Almost as bad as the excuses and brush offs is the long patronising message after a first date. Explaining how they didn't just want to disappear bla bla bla. Like - "get over yourself mate".

Sigh.

rosabug · 06/03/2020 21:13

2 dates with someone (correction)

Namechangexyz1 · 06/03/2020 21:36

What about the ones who say they really do like but are really struggling at the moment...and you know for a fact they are.

After a few dates

wobblywinelover · 06/03/2020 21:44

A lot of them who say they like you but are struggling, means they have someone else often the ex they haven't properly broken up with on the back burner but they're sussing you out for dates to decide if they like you better @Namechangexyz1 Then when they decide they don't like you they can pull the struggling/mental health/too busy with someone else card

skinnymarshmallow · 06/03/2020 22:12

How can you have been 'dumped' by someone you've had one date with? You need to start treating first dates as quick meet and greets. If he asks you out again, great. If not, you met someone new for an hour. Stop over investing

Namechangexyz1 · 06/03/2020 22:13

What if you know they really are struggling though.

Tinkerbellx · 06/03/2020 22:17

I really don't want to offend but from what you've said ...... what jumps out at me is that what they expect differs from the reality .
So do your photos and bio match the person the expect to meet ?

izzywizzygood · 06/03/2020 22:25

Online dating is just the dregs of society, step away from it. It's the pool of rejects and they're there for a reason. I agree with @rosabug you weren't "dumped" - it was a casual meet up, not someone you were dating. You have to toughen up if you persist with online dating - the rule in the online dating world is: "There is always someone better on the next swipe". That's what you're up against. Think like a man.

springflowers20 · 06/03/2020 22:28

From my own experience:

You might go on lots of dates and finally meet someone you have a spark with. You think yay finally a spark with someone. You seem to get on well with them, have similar interests and feel hopeful you will meet them again. Then you get the text to say that they are not interested however it is explained. Or perhaps they just disappear. You are not overly invested after one date but the rejection can still sting.

readitandwept · 06/03/2020 22:29

@Namechangexyz1

Struggling with what?

Namechangexyz1 · 06/03/2020 22:31

@readitandwept

Job problems which kicked off depression, long term anxiety.

He was upfront about it fairly early on.

Namechangexyz1 · 06/03/2020 22:32

Bad enough to get signed off from work depression.

readitandwept · 06/03/2020 22:40

I'd just leave the ball in their court and see how you feel if they get back in touch. It's probably best for them not to pursue relationships and hopefully he's being genuine about that.

How long are we talking with this depression and the amount of dates you've had though?

Namechangexyz1 · 06/03/2020 22:50

@readitandwept I believe they're genuine.

Having met him I could see the anxiety a mile off. Shaking hands when met, shy to take my hand to hold it. Very awkward person but we got on well

He decided not to meet me for a while as he didn't want to drag me into it and he was badly depressed. It has been on and off for a couple of years. When he felt a bit recovered we met a few times...not had sex but kissed. Now he's had a bit of a relapse and he apologised to me for not treating me very well but he is struggling.

rosabug · 06/03/2020 22:53

Don't do online dating while depressed - don't!

Only do it when you are feeling confident. But as soon as it starts to burn or when you are hoping the 'next one' might heal the pain of the 'last one' - stop!

Namechangexyz1 · 06/03/2020 22:55

@rosabug well yeah that's why he has backed off. He thought he was doing a lot better but had a relapse