Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You've got to be kidding

59 replies

mumsville · 06/09/2007 21:13

Right - posted about a few relationship probs with dh and mil both of whom I find very maniputlative.

Get this. DH announced today that he plans to take ds abroad to see his sick father for 10 days. DS will be about 16 months. I don't think I could cope. I've just returned to work and find it hard enough but to take ds out of the country.

Also fil being ill. In context. fil lives with his girlfriend of mnay years in family house. mil (always the martyr) moved out. Mil very manipuliative. FIL abusive to dh but mil still wants him back. FIL has kidney problem and mil said he's having a biopsy for a liver problem. DH panicking when the bioposy is actually a blood test.

I don't buy this. DH and I don't get on. DS is british dh isn't. MIL very upset as husband has other girlfriend (for last 20 years). SIL is getting a divorce so won't be producing any more grandchildren for a long time if at all. MIL can't travel to uk unaided as she can't even get to her local train station alone let alone the local airport.

Is it normal for a 16 month to travel abroad without mother for 10 days. As dh doesn't earn enough I've got off my fat arse and got a job against my better judgement but I cna't take leave for three months. Why can't he wait for me to go to?

If his dad is that ill, OK for a few days (not happy) but this is a bloody blood test.

I feel this about making mil happy.

What say you?

OP posts:
Budababe · 06/09/2007 21:18

Red flags waving madly at me I am afraid. I wouldn't let him go. 16 months is FAR too young to be away from his Mum.

(And you hear such horror stories of children being taken abroad by a parent and not being brought back)

Original poster
mumsville · 06/09/2007 21:20

bud what's worse

being taken away from mum or the potential for 'stuff'.

I'm thinking about him without mum at 16 months! Even way in other part of UK - would that be normal?

OP posts:
superalienstitch · 06/09/2007 21:21

if he wantst to see his father, let him go. he doesnt need to take the child.

divastrop · 06/09/2007 21:21

don't let him take him.'tis setting the alarm bells ringing for me also.

hertsnessex · 06/09/2007 21:23

dont let your ds go.

Budababe · 06/09/2007 21:23

what do you mean about what's worse - away from mum or "stuff"?

StarryStarryNight · 06/09/2007 21:25

Alarm bells. Put your foot down, dont let him take him. What is a 16 month old to do there? Offer you can all go in 3 months when you can take leave. You dont want to be without your baby, and you wont let your baby be upset by taken away from you.

Original poster
mumsville · 06/09/2007 21:26

Everything is about mil.

Is it acceptable to take a 16 month away from his mum for even maximum 7 days? I'm a new mum but my instinct for my ds is NO. Forget me - he's not even coping with nursery att the moment. I've only just started new job. Miss him terribly - he misses me. I'm only part time. We could got to his southern european country say Friday - see his dad and come back Sunday together.

What's normal and what's not. I'd love to know. What might be horrific to me might be normal for a more seasoned mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsville · 06/09/2007 21:27

How long have your babies been away from you? Mine not for one night and until this week, not even for 3 hours.

OP posts:
superalienstitch · 06/09/2007 21:28

mumsville, even assuming everything is above board, a 16 month old shouldnt be away from hi s mom for ten days unless absolutey vital.
when ds1 was 5.9 years old, dh took him on a holiday for 17 days. ds2 and i didnt go, i was 8 months pregnant ds2 was 17 months old. first stop was going to bethree days with MY sister in pakistan, then twelve days in bangladesh, then a couple of days in dubai. i was in such a state, that i practically barred the front door and wouldnt let hime leave. tears all morning. only the fact the dsister and ds were both soooo excited about the trip made me let them go.
he had a fabulous time. still remembers it. etc. but at 16 months you are well within your rights to say no way buster. he stays put.

Budababe · 06/09/2007 21:30

My DS is 6 and I have done 2 nights away - both seperate occasions and he has recently done 2 sleepovers and I missed him like hell.

I really don't think any child as young as yours needs to be away from his Mum for any length of time unless necessary. And this is not necessary. As you say you could go for a weekend. In fact a few weekends.

HonorMatopoeia · 06/09/2007 21:31

Dh recently took Dd (2.7) away to see his family abroad. I couldn't fly due to pg and bp. She was gone from me for a mere 5 days but I honestly knew in that time what it was to have a broken heart. IMO 16 months is way to young anyway, don't let him go.

Original poster
mumsville · 06/09/2007 21:34

Super

Oh my god you must have been frantic and in a very difficult position.

I think this has more to do with supporting mil with the fact that her estranged husband might be ill and that fact that mil is struggling with sil's seperation. But don't you see a pattern here.

We went there at Christmas as his dad was meant to be ill.

This is all about making his mum happy. If fil tests results come back showing bad I can go inhe first instance for a long weekend and then again at Christmas. But what's all this 10 days to see his dad? Is his dad ill for 10 days. He often tells me that MIl cries as fil is ill, mill cries as sil is getting divorce and mil cries as she misses my ds.

What do I say? I'm tempted to phone dh's uncle who is far more neutral - he'll tell me the score with fil and what we need to do.

I couldn't imagine letting ds out of my sight for the next three years to be honest. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Hurlyburly · 06/09/2007 21:34

Oh please don't let him go. I have read your earlier threads but didn't post as had nothing constructive to say. Please don't let your DS out of your sight though.

I think someone posted a link to a site about parental abduction. Unless I am confusing the threads, you were worried about this before, no? If that is even a glimmer of a possibility, please don't let your DS go.

Budababe · 06/09/2007 21:37

Why don't you suggest you all go for a long weekend and then MIL can come back with you for a few days (not pleasant maybe but at least you are showing willing!) to cheer her up and give her a change of scenery. Then maybe your DH could fly back with her if she is not up to travelling alone.

divastrop · 06/09/2007 21:39

i found it hard being away from dd2 even when i was in hospital having dd3(dd2 was 15months then),and she was quite unsettled without me even though she's a daddy's girl.

its different with older children,who understand where they are going and why,but not a baby

francagoestohollywood · 06/09/2007 21:39

I'm more "seasned" as you put it Mumsville, as I have left dc with my parents for a few days quite a few times, but there is no way I'd let a dh I don't get onm with take a 16 mo baby abroad for ten days. Alarm bells here as well (has your mil seen her grandson already? can't you go with baby for a long weekend and then fly back to the uk?)

BandofMothers · 06/09/2007 21:41

If he was dying maybe, but not for a blood test, imo.

Also he can't take him if you say no. Tell him to wait. The reason you are not comfortable with it should be enough. If he complains then he is not thinking of you at all.

snowbirdonice · 06/09/2007 21:45

Agree with all the others, don't let him go, he's far too young to be away from you for more than a few hours. Further, don't worry about what anyone says is 'normal', you're his Mum, you know what's best for him

Freckle · 06/09/2007 21:53

I presume that your ds has his own passport, so make sure you put it somewhere secure. I certainly wouldn't let my child go abroad if I had any doubts at all.

I really don't see why your dh can't go by himself.

Original poster
mumsville · 06/09/2007 22:05

It's not so much about abduction it's just that he's soooooooooooooo little and he's just started two days at nursery and he's struggling and also fil having a liver biopsy turns out, at this stage to be a blood test. I think lots of exaggeration and that mil is expecting a visit.

Yes mil stayed with me 3 weeks when ds was 4 weeks old and caused alot of trouble. We went there when he was 8 months old and also one year old. i think we visit quite alot actually in relation to them living overseas.

I just can't see what father would think it normal to think it ok to take child away (given that he's such a mummmy's boy).

I'm half tempted to phone mil to see what she's playing at. She's behind this as fil doesn't talk to dh - so dh has never heard from his dad how ill he is or isn't, just through his mum, and fil doesn't talk to mil.....

What would be an emergency? If he was bad I'd go with them.

OP posts:
madamez · 06/09/2007 22:08

DOn't let him go. Fullstop. The thing with manipulative people is they can try to manipulate by bleating and crying and pestering, but they tend not to do much else. Your MIL can just put up with the fact that you are not going to do what she wants: it won't kill her. Your DS is too young to be away from you for that long.

BandofMothers · 06/09/2007 22:10

I'm a little confused.
So DH doesn't talk to his dad so has no interest in going cos his dad is ill except to be with his mum, who isn't even with his dad any more anyway???

I think you visit enough, tho I can see she may just miss him, and her son. I think he is being unreasonable and that it would probably upset your ds without good reason. I don't think her wanting him to bring him out is good reason.

BandofMothers · 06/09/2007 22:12

btw I would think twice about letting DD1 go for that long if DH and I didn't get along and there were "issues" in play too, and she is 3.10yo. Dd2 is 13 mths and no way would I let her go.

BandofMothers · 06/09/2007 22:13

Can I just also ask why you are still with your DH if you don't get along, and obviously don't trust him??

You don't have to answer that of course, it is very nosy of me

Swipe left for the next trending thread