Feeling sad, probably need to let go

[famousforwrongreason]

I’m with a beautiful guy for a couple of years. The longer we’re together, the more he reveals but at the same time holds back if that makes sense.
Transpired he has lots of close women friendships he hasn’t been 100% about with me, including recent exes.
We don’t live together and don’t spend loads of time together due to other commitments but the time we have together is always awesome.
He is always kind and is clever , popular and funny and successful. We have amazing sex and connections on lots of levels and then he takes me to amazing places. He doesn’t always pay for me, I pay my way so it’s a pretty equal relationship. we both have lots of freedom, he def has more free time due to the age of his kids.
The stuff with me learning about the other women kind of happened organically, It was quite casual when we were first together so I never showed much interest, occasionally he’d drop names and some were exes but I didn’t think he was actively meeting them and in regular contact the longer our relationship went on and he never told me any different. He has close friendships with guys too but they don’t seem as important and meet-ups aren’t as regular.
occasionally he’d let slip a meeting or conversation that had happened with exes / women friends (most of whom he’s slept with) and sometimes left me a bit unclear about their relationships...since we got more serious he promised to be more open, typical backstory is that he was very hurt by some past relationships and people cheating that now he’s very cagey but is learning to open up more.
So he tells me more stuff in the spirit of being open and periodically big stuff slips out which leaves me wondering is he just a liar...
hes previously told me he’d never had same sex experiences or threesomes or anything like that, this then changed later on in conversation to ‘not really...’ and More recently he told me he’d had one gay experience years ago but doesn’t remember much as was very drunk.
Then last week he said he’s had some ‘gay’ experiences with different guys and loved it but is definitely heterosexual. he also said I’m the first person he’s ever told.
Not a problem either , I’ve also had gay experiences and I’m pretty open so I understand that.
Then more recently, when drunk he’s told me during sex that he would actually like to have more gay experiences , I asked him if he’d do it again and he was very affirmative, then quickly adding that he’d only like to do it with me there
And then dressing it up as a swinging kind of experience which I could get with but the more he talks about it the more he focuses on the guy on guy aspect. As well as wanting me to give him some kind of lesbian show and basically have a bit of an orgy.
He’s definitely sexually interested in me and (by his behaviour when out and things he’s said or I’ve observed) he’s clearly very interested in women. Our sex life on the whole is exciting and I definitely turn him on.
Recently I’ve learned of some parties he’s been at that I couldn’t attend where people were very ‘free and easy’ and he assured me he was ‘good’... I have no way of disproving this and tbf I don’t want to go down the route of evidence gathering.
So it all sounds ok re the liberal sex life but but there are other bits which just make me a bit doubtful, like half truths and ‘forgetting’ to tell me about meet ups and parties and getting into situations when out without me where he could have had sex , offers on a plate , but chose to stay faithful and some quite derogatory language about some of the women who are trying it on with him , some etc
I just feel weird. Writing it all down sounds terrible but Obviously I’ve just condensed the bits that make me nervous...there’s other aspects which are great. I’ve read a few posts on here today about lap dancing, topless bars, strip clubs, porn etc and it’s a very mixed response.
I am liberal but see myself as a feminist and also feel I mitt be having the mickey being slightly taken out of me because I’m liberal.
We’ve had umpteen discussions as this stuff really rankles but he always talks a good talk and I end up feeling like a controlling paranoid banshee!
Just sounding off really.

He's a liar who has a crap memory, so he can't remember what he's told you.

He's sleeping with several people and knows you wouldn't like it so is gaslighting you.

He is making you paranoid.

Get rid!

Agree with above, also doling out bits and pieces of information to see how much you are willing to accept.

Thank you @hollowtalk I know I sound ridiculously naive but I would never dream he was sleeping with others! Just putting himself in temptation’s way...
he is adamant because of the multiple cheatings that happened to him that he would never do it to another person. He speaks so eloquently about it and how much hurt it caused him and is always down in other cheaters.
I always see him as just selfish and enjoying his ‘freedom’ now he’s escaped those kind of relationships. Sadly I think I came along when he was just finding his two dicks and how attractive he is after having been put down for years by exes.
I also think he was possibly selfish in those past relationships hence never noticed when cheating was going on right under his nose. He never questions what I do or who I’m with but says he has natural concerns but is able to process it and knows I am not the cheating type.

@Cantpickausername5 yeah that’s how I’m feeling atm, re the doling out, is it actually testing of boundaries? He’s very very believable and in the cold light of day, once I’ve stopped feeling upset then I can see where he’s coming from .
He’s explanations are always feasible and he always offers me to look at his phone etc but I don’t want to (altho lately I really do want to ! But feel it’s pointless and too late now anyway).
He’s always very loving and attentive when we’re together and in regular contact when we’re not and mostly with his kids so when I think of him cheating it’s hard to imagine unless it just happens when he’s at these events.

Go for an STI screen OP.

Yeah, he sounds like a bit of a wrong un. I’d say that he lies by omission to you often and is doing a bit of amateur negging ‘look how attractive and desired I am, lucky you that I am a good guy - don’t you feel lucky’

I also think he is at least bisexual and hopes to gaslight you into sexual practice you might not be OK with

I’d bin him

@gamerchick yes I’d been thinking sti... we’d both tested clean early days and both sterilised so went bareback then , oh yeah, I forget this gem I found johnnies in his room which he said were old.. I didn’t believe him at first when coupled with the other stuff but eventually did believe him and that I was being a jerk, and around the same time I found some old ones of mine in my room so could give benefit of the doubt... so I never quite know if I’m being ott when I get the heebie jeebies about his omissions and forgetfulness...

Hmmm maybe @QueenofallIsee honestly he never says anything horrible to me at all. So if he is negging I’d say it’s not amateur, he’s always telling me how beautiful and stunning he thinks I am and how much he loves me and respects me etc. He’s never cold or mean and never scared me, always turns up when arranged and honestly wants to see me more than I ever have time for, much more than I want to see him.
I’m often turning him down. Apart from all the anomalies it’s honestly one of the most loving romantic fun and passionate relationships I’ve ever had. Hence why I’ve let this happen I guess. I had wanted more adventurous and exciting sexual experiences so it seemed perfect but then something has just given inside me, one half truth too many I guess and it’s left me questioning everything and doubting my sanity.
He’s very much loved and respected by a lot of people and he’s even friendly with the cheating exes and mother of his kids and the recent exes, I saw it as testament to what a lovely guy he is.

He really doesn’t sound like a nice person.

he is adamant because of the multiple cheatings that happened to him that he would never do it to another person. He speaks so eloquently about it and how much hurt it caused him

Massive 🚩🚩 for being a cheater IME

However if you are happy to be in an open relationship and you are having fun, then it’s up to you. But for goodness sake , start using a barrier method of contraception!

@beansandcoffee , I know, that’s what I mean. If you met him you wouldn’t see any of this. My friends all love him! He’s loving, chivalrous, calm, funny, insightful, apparently very empathetic, loving parent and great social conscience etc, everything is so incongruous with how I’ve portrayed him on here. Possibly a social chameleon but then so am I , we all are to some extent, I guess that’s the only sign of outward incongruity (that I’ve seen) . He’s on paper the kind of guy you could happily attend any event with and he’d fit in. Very respected job and also very‘handy’ at anything he turns his hand to. Amazing cook, solvent, well read...
Very adventurous and up for anything in terms of leisure time, holidays etc so it all just felt so right and easy with him from day one.

@Double3xposure no, he was cheated on multiple times with friends etc and was very badly hurt hence saying he’d never do it to someone, not that he’s done it, ‘another person’ just meant he’d never do it to anyone (he said)

I don’t want an open relationship except in terms of being open honest and transparent.
I’m a definite monogamist which seems to be very quaint these days

Do you know for a fact that he was cheated on, or is this all according to him?

Do you have any actual proof of anything ? Eg his great social conscience - how much time does he spend each week volunteering

You say he’s a loving parent, so I assume he had his kids for 50% of the time after he and his ex wife split up ?

If his kids are adults now, does he care for his GC or spend time helping his kids do DIY / gardening / whatever ? Or is it just that he tells you all the time how much he loves his kids and how much they mean to him

I get that he’s very charming and people love him, including women. And I assume he’s very good in bed.

All these things going around in your head about this relationship , are making it all sound like a complicated affair, and not the best love story ever. Your man seems like a player. and living in his own world mainly.

@Double3xposure no, of course I don’t know for sure re the affairs, this was before we were together, his friends and family have kind of corroborated if it’s come up.
his kids aren’t adults just older and more independent than mine and all live with him as the resident parent although stay at their mum’s it’s sporadic as she’s quite hands off but has her own issues. I have met her a few times and we get on fine, but she is not always kind to the kids which I have witnessed first hand. She strikes me as damaged and vulnerable...
without completely outing anybody, He does a lot to champion various causes and yes he is absolutely mind blowing in bed but I like to think that’s a two way street and also about chemistry ? Maybe I’m kidding myself. He is also physically ‘very gifted’.

@1forAll74 I kinda wish I’d shared here earlier. I’ve been questioning a lot and talking to different friends but obviously some of the sexual stuff is hard to share irl. My friends are all of different opinions re sex, very diverse tastes some wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this stuff and some would be horrified so I only tell the more ‘mainstream’ details.
I have a friend who’s partner had been cheating on her with a guy and it wrecked her self esteem and sense of femininity and I think it has really resonated with me on top of everything else

You don't live with him I hope, do you?

@famousforwrongreason my ex used to passionately hate cheating because his dad did it to his mum and ruined the family... after having his baby, I found out he had been cheating on me at the start of the relationship aaaaand he also started an emotional affair with his female friend within weeks of our baby being born, all of which was in front of me, in our family home. So alas my daughter is now never going to experience a real family life. So much for hating cheating!

Oh @rleom I’m really sorry to hear that. It’s often the way that kids follow suit. My ‘partner’s parents also cheated which I only just found out this week, had not given it any significance but maybe it’s had an impact. I’m sorry you had those shitty experiences. Do you think you’ll date again or has it damaged you irreparably now?

My ExH was very moralistic. He cheated on me, hopefully only with the OW, but now 10 years later I look back and think of a few occasions where in hindsight he could have been cheating.

Wow @Lynda07 no way! I don’t anticipate living with anyone while my kids are young , and maybe never. Especially where there are trust issues!
We both have our own places, he actually has several properties here and abroad so I would never need to share any of my assets with him and never be vulnerable to him in that way. I’m very independent financially and it’s highly important to me.
Just need to work on my emotional/ sexual independence. I’ve met nothing but sleazes and cheats since my marriage ended, I’m obviously a magnet for them. I honestly thought he was different and that it is me and my experience that was making me question and mistrust him.
Both my parents are also philanderers as well as very abusive and neglectful of me.
I thought I’d dealt with all this in therapy but clearly I’m still repeating patterns.
These guys come in many many different guises, he’s been harder to spot than usual for me!

Don't be so hard on yourself. He sounds like a charmer.

Ah thanks @sunflowernet I do feel a bit of a dick when I see it all written down but tbf it’s happened over a couple of years with some spectacular moments in between as well as normal daily life and other distractions, it’s not like he threw a load of red flags at me on the first date. Plus for the first few months and prior to meeting I was very much in the market for something very casual and lighthearted so I wasn’t even looking for flags, just fun dates and hot sex which he gave me in bucketloads.
Even thinking about sex with him gives me the horn, even now, hence , I think why we / I have worked through the issues with him so seemingly easily because of the huge physical connection which feels emotional at the time as well as the massive endorphin rushes from our sex life !

@Sunflowernet maybe he is a charmer, I honestly never saw any of those signs, he wasn’t ott charming, he showed exasperation in the normal places and never pretended to always agree with me politically or However so was not obviously mirroring me, we had lots of debates which I found very stimulating on top of all the other stuff. Honestly apart from all my gripes here I had no gripes, I think that’s maybe why I let this stuff slide so much. He’s physically absolutely my type, and intellectually, and seemingly emotionally, in terms of status etc we were pretty well matched. He earned more money than me but had I not been a single mum and not had his family support we’d be equally matched in terms of assets etc.