How do you ever get over the loss of a friendship?

[Rewy]

It’s been 14 years now and I still dream about my ex friend and cry when I remember her and what I’ve lost. When we lost touch We never argued but we did (I feel ) lose respect for each other . I have reflected on my own behaviour in the decline of the friendship and I can see that I wasn’t a brilliant friend as in the sense that I was battling undiagnosed mental health conditions. And so wrapped up in raising my children that I didn’t allow enough time for the friendship or appreciate her enough. I regret that immensely. I feel that we weren’t honest with each other and in the end just annoyed one another.
I did try and contact her some years ago just to say that I hoped she was doing ok and that I thought about her often. I didn’t really expect a reply and I certainly didn’t receive one.
I just can’t forget about her. I miss her.

You just have to move on (easier said than done I'm sure). Try and remember the happier times, not the sad ending.

I do understand. A friendship of 55 years (I'm old!) has all but gone for me. We had an upset 2.5 years ago and I thought we'd put it behind us. She said everything was OK now.
Obviously not though. Despite many efforts from me, it is now like a relationship I'd have with an aunt I don't see or get on with. Icily polite from her, no warmth whatsoever. Whereas we always talked on the phone, she only now communicates by whatsapp. Looking back I can see it was going that way, before the upset, so I have had quite a time to come to terms with it.

With your friendship, she knows where you are, and you have to think... if she wanted to be in touch she would. That's what I'm thinking about my friend. She doesn't want it and I have to accept that.

Does your friend know you suffered with undiagnosed MH conditions? If not, could you write a heartfelt email telling her that and say you would love to be in touch, but understand if not?

I do understand though.

Thank you for replying. I’m sorry that you too understand how Painful the loss can be.
No she wasn’t aware that I had an undiagnosed condition .
She was probably struggling herself as she was a new mother.
I just wish that I could go back and be a better friend. Although I’m aware through therapy that I blame myself for everything but I do try and have the pragmatic approach that we we both were not honest with each other and didn’t discuss our feelings or if one of us felt wronged. I am aware that mutually we could be rude and Unthoughtful to one another in various ways.
Im angry with myself that I didn’t fight for her friendship and I allowed it to dissolve.
I often consider writing to her just to let her know how I feel but I’m also wary as I wouldn’t want the inevitable rejection to hinder my mental health.

People are in our life for a reason, a season or a lifetimes. Life changes, people change and friendships fade. I had a great friend who drifted from me (and me her) and although I feel sad about it, I don't really wish for the friendship to resume. You reached out to her, she didn't reciprocate so to be honest I wouldnt try again. Just remember the friendship with a smile, move forward and don't let it stop you forming other lovely friendships.

Yes, I get that. I have an email drafted from nearly 2 years ago to my friend, but I haven't sent it and won't send it. Because I actually think she will be unpleasant about it.

I think (but don't know) that I am further on with this than you perhaps. I am now accepting that there isn't a friendship to speak of and I don't find it upsetting any more. If anything, I am angry that, despite my best efforts, she's letting go a friendship of 55 years. Who has one of those, it's very unusual and we should've been able to move on from this. The 'inciden't was nothing in the context of a friendship of decades.

It does sound like you were perhaps both at fault. Do you think she would think that too? Or would she think it is just you?

I actually think my friend is at fault, with little fault on my side. I imagine she thinks the reverse so to try and clear this up, for me, would be horrendous.

I just wondered if your friend knows there is fault on her side too, that you both contributed to the end of this friendship, whether she might be feeling anyway similar to how you are?

I get the rejection bit though totally. It could be liking going back to square one and trying to heal yourself again

(Oh god, sorry, this isn't about me. It touched a chord, that's all)

It’s not nice and I’m sure most people have been through similar at some point.

What does really stand out to me though I’d the sheer amount of time that had passed. It’s really not healthy to dwell on the past and what could’ve, should’ve been.

Don’t beat yourself up. For a time you were good together and had some happy times but things often change particularly as we get older and other things get in the way but that’s life.

Do you have opportunity to meet other people and make new friends?

Again I understand it’s not a nice experience to lose a friend but equally for you own mental health I would try and draw a line under it. There’s no point in dwelling over something that long ago. It happens to everyone at some point and I put it down to experience.

You’ve obviously tried to get in touch and she’s not acknowledged you. Her loss OP.

Don't think of it as a loss. Think of it as a good relationship you've had that you can now fondly look back upon. Maybe you've grown up and apart, maybe life got in the way and the friendship fizzled out. Despite that, whatever you've learnt from them, whatever good/bad times you've shared still stays with you. Sometimes it's time to let go. Dwelling on what could've been could only taint the memories of what you had.

Was there any particular falling out or just a drifting parting of ways?

Some relationships, even friendships, aren't met to last forever. People change and life goes in different directions.

Instead of seeing it as a loss, see it as a great friendship that had a time limit.

Just to say I know how you feel. I too have a friend who I miss dearly and I know how much it hurts.

It's totally understandable that it hurts, but it also ended for various reasons and sometimes we have to face the reality of that, grieve fully for what we have lost (I know that sounds like a big word to use potentially but I think there is grief when any relationship ends), accept and move on. Could you try writing a letter both to yourself when the relationship ended and also to her (not to send, just for yourself) so you can get a clear picture of what happened and face how painful it is that it's over. Relationships are funny things really, just try and appreciate how great it was and accept that it was time to end. You tried to reconnect and it was rejected so I really think it's time to try and move on and look at your current/future relationships.

I know exactly how you feel, OP. It hurts. It truly hurts. I had a big fallout with my good friend years back, and it affected my whole life so badly. Eventually my lovely DH helped us get together to talk and we worked it out. BUT I remember feeling such desolation.

She has died now, and I miss her every day of life. But I am so grateful I had these extra years with her.

There was no ‘falling out’ we just drifted apart and stopped contacting each other. Perhaps she felt I wasn’t there when she needed me ( she had baby) but I was so wrapped up with my baby and 4 year old and unwell mentally . I didn’t have the capacity to support her even if she had reached out. Maybe she was struggling mentally herself. I don’t know and probably never will. I feel so sad that I will never see her again though. I would like her to know though that she is always in my heart and I will always love her. Is that stupid ?

Crying as I type

No it is not stupid, and yes it is a bereavement.

I am in the early stages of this, and it feels terrible. My friend of 34 years, who has seen me through everything, who understands me better than anyone, has withdrawn from me. I don't understand, and I feel truly bereft. Friends like her are vanishingly rare, so not everyone has had an experience like this. There is no chance that I will find an equally close understanding with a new friend. We have been through so much together.

OP, some people are saying that so much time has passed, and you should look back at it fondly but move on. I think the opposite is also true, that you might be able to make contact after all this time, and start from a different place. If I were you, I might try, but you are right that the possible rejection might be very painful.

Oh I am sorry, Rewy, that you are so upset. Friendships can be as important and close as marriages. Losing them can feel as painful as any other breakup, but we don't have the language to process the dissolution of a friendship.

I really don’t think the breakdown of close friendships is talked about enough. I’ve been through it once with a best friend and it remains one of the hardest things I’ve experienced (and despite things getting very scary and unpleasant to the extent of needing to move house and not share my new address, and despite it being years, I still miss her like I’ve been punched in the stomach sometimes).

No advice, just sending

I still mourn the loss of a friendship that I thought would be lifelong; I have friends I’m just as close with but it’s not the same type of friendship and the shared experiences we had aren’t the same

Ah, I totally understand OP. My own friendship break-up was also 14 years ago. About a year ago we were due to be at a mutual friend's wedding and I put out feelers about meeting first so it wasnt so weird.

We had a drink one evening and a great catch up. Really free and easy, genuine and kind and I thought it was tentatively the start of getting back some of what we'd lost.

Roll on the wedding and she blanked me entirely. I felt like such a pathetic idiot for getting it so wrong. Felt worse than if I'd never reached out and we hadn't had that drink.

Trying to forget and move on is the only way I think. for you

Funnily enough I've had this happen to me too and I understand that feeling of loss, made worse for me by the fact that on both occasions I've been made the bad guy when I truly wasn't.

The first time I was friends with 2 women and our children were all toddlers together. We did everything as a group and supported each other for 3 years. One had an idiot partner who lied and cheated, the other was in a controlling marriage. I was single. I decided after months of soothing that I'd just be honest and tell them both what I thought of their OHs. It obviously didn't go down well and looking back it was quite arrogant of me to think I had the right to basically tell them to put up or shut up. But it was from a place of love and concern for 2 women I adored. They cut ties and have gone on to have a very close relationship and I was made out to be the bitter singleton (was also on the verge of what turned out to be massive breakdown at the time, I didn't know so they couldn't have known). I see one WOMAN, who went on to marry her cheating OH, from time to time and we exchange pleasantries 10 years on. The other has remarried and I've realised that she was actually quite an unpleasant person throughout our friendship, I don't think either of us miss the friendship.

The second is more recent and still hurts. When I look back she's been keeping me at a distance for a few years and I've been the instigator of any contact we've had. At Christmas she sent me a text saying not to bother with presents and if I wanted to meet up after Xmas to let her know. Thing is, our families always had a big Xmas day out and it had been tradition for 5 years or so. So to be dismissed until January in a text took the wind from under me, I actually cried. I miss her sons and husband (I knew her because of being his childhood friend) and at first I thought I missed her but actually I don't. She had no loyalty, chopped and changed friends as she pleased and it was just my turn to be discarded. She is making out its to do with a big family drama and me choosing sides (her inlaws are divorcing after FIL cheated. She is now BFFs with the OW and MIL is heartbroken at her behaviour) but, that aside, she's proved a few times to be an unpleasant person.

I'm so sorry for the essay, seems I needed to get that off my chest!!

I now have no close friends and plan to keep it that way, I can't handle the drama and hurt when things go bad.

I only have one close friend. It's a decades of friendship but because of my 'break-up' with the other long term friend, I treasure this and work hard at making it a good friendship. That sounds pathetic, she does too! We value each other. We are so different but somehow it works OK because we're both piss artists lol

However, the scars run deep with the other friendship... I can't believe that 55 years of being a friend can be thrown away just like that. It's painful but I have come to terms with it now

I had a friend who I lost touch with when I had babies and she became mentally very unwell. I felt terrible for so long about not being there for her. Roll on 27 years and we are back in touch, we’ve both said our versions of what happened and we each forgave our younger selves. We now meet regularly and have lots of fun, though sadly she is more unwell than ever. I suppose I’m saying: never give up, people mature and circumstances change.

I’m grateful to you all for replying and I’m sorry for those who’ve also experienced similar.
It really does feel like a death.
I sometimes think of what I would write and compose a letter in my head but then I just get upset again.
People have always let me down but I feel that I let myself down by inadvertently failing the friendship. I had such a strong bond with her. No one made me laugh like her.

I’m so pleased that you rediscovered your friendship TigerDater