How do you ever get over the loss of a friendship?

[Rewy]

It’s been 14 years now and I still dream about my ex friend and cry when I remember her and what I’ve lost. When we lost touch We never argued but we did (I feel ) lose respect for each other . I have reflected on my own behaviour in the decline of the friendship and I can see that I wasn’t a brilliant friend as in the sense that I was battling undiagnosed mental health conditions. And so wrapped up in raising my children that I didn’t allow enough time for the friendship or appreciate her enough. I regret that immensely. I feel that we weren’t honest with each other and in the end just annoyed one another.
I did try and contact her some years ago just to say that I hoped she was doing ok and that I thought about her often. I didn’t really expect a reply and I certainly didn’t receive one.
I just can’t forget about her. I miss her.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe - Yes I have not thought of discussing it at therapy again, I will thanks.

Gutterton - You speak a lot of sense. Thankyou for your support.

Really sorry to read that so many others have experienced this. A pp said that we don't have the language to discuss the break up of friendships and I very much agree with that.

For me it became like a bruise I couldn't stop pressing. My former friend behaved quite cruelly yet all I felt was sadness and loss, not anger. I should have been angry. And the point is I was mourning the loss of my amazing friendship, but the reality is that we never had that friendship. If we had, she wouldn't have acted as she did.

I miss her so much. It has become slightly easier in recent weeks, however.

I ghosted my BFF of 9 years.
Lightbulb moment when I realised she had used me and actually didn't like my dc...
She never tried to get in touch after me just ignoring a few texts...
She asked around why I had fallen out with her but never actually asked me...

For me it became like a bruise I couldn't stop pressing. My former friend behaved quite cruelly yet all I felt was sadness and loss, not anger. I should have been angry. And the point is I was mourning the loss of my amazing friendship, but the reality is that we never had that friendship. If we had, she wouldn't have acted as she did.

That’s a v powerful and touching insight. It’s those v conflicting and opposite emotions that leave you v confused - totally blindsided to question and rev-evaluate your own perception of many years of a relationship. I think it is punishing to believe that it wasn’t real - it was real for you - you enjoyed it. Maybe it was also real for the other person or maybe it wasn’t - we have no way of knowing unless we can recall earlier incidents and red flags that we let pass. If there were none then we can only assume that something in this other persons psyche changed, a switch flipped for them to behave so cruelly. We don’t have to take any personal responsibility for their behaviour and we can still treasure the fun memories of before our friend became a different person.

She asked around why I had fallen out with her but never actually asked me...

This also happened to me. I didn’t ghost - but was always busy and just faded. That was my new boundary - she didn’t like it and has since waged a subtle 3 year campaign against me being manipulative with other friends. But no one takes any notice of her and it has just shown them and me more clearly what she is really like.

@Rewy

I haven't tried to initiate contact because, the last time we spoke, she'd remarried a very controlling man who didn't like her to speak on the phone or email people. I didn't want to make life worse for her by having to explain to him why I kept calling/writing/emailing. I knew that she could contact me, if it was safe for her to do so.

I have a feeling that trying to reinitiate a friendship after a breakdown like this would be like trying to get back with an unfaithful spouse. Things would never be the same again and I'd always worry about the fragility of the friendship.

I did wonder if menopause had made her suffer poor MH, because the accusation without telling me what I'd done, just the 'you know what it was' when I really hadn't a clue was so out of character. But, hey ho.